27.1.02 [Inese to Dzidra] In the meantime, after a relatively mild January, on Friday real winter hit. Temperatures went down to the -20s and we had snow Friday, Saturday and last night. Last night it was -33 and today at noon it was -29. So, we did not go for hamburgers. However, it was sunny and very beautiful, with everything still a pristine white. Mum can’t see that, but we did sit in the sun for a while in front of M. There was no wind and it was quite warm and nice.
21.2.02 [Inese to Dzidra]
Mum is ok for the moment. We are singing and learning the Latvian folk songs and that seems to be good. There is a theory out there that music keeps your mind going. It may be true. Last Monday, mum was all happy that she had listened to some gals play the piano. She said she could really hear them and liked it. I called Joani to tell her how great that was, and she said that they had been doing that for a while. So, for whatever reason, music or hearing, mum registered it that day with pleasure. Mum has said for a while that she does not have any pain (I keep asking her). However, for a while too, the Canesten cream had appeared on her chest of drawers. Then, today, L. called me. They have booked her in to see a gynaecologist on March 13, because there is a part of her bum (perineum) that is not healing and they are now wondering if they are giving her the right treatment.
12.3.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Tomorrow, I go with mum to a gynaecologist, chosen and booked by M. They are worried that her bum has not healed. They want to know if their treatment is ok or not. I am happy that they are consulting some outside expert. Mum has not complained at all about any soreness, and I do ask her regularly. They have had a notice on our board to say that, when she is in bed, they should put a pad under her, but leave her exposed to the air. There are also notices not to use the cleaning cream and to use cloth diapers – though that one has now changed. However, L. called me recently to say that she again has a urinary tract infection (and I assume, they are again giving her anti-biotics). So, I look forward to some insights from the experts.
18.3.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Anyway, mum’s doctor’s appointment went well. They took her there in a handy bus and I met her in the lobby to take her up to the doc. The guy was an Indian (or Pakistani, I have no way to know which), and he told me that he thought it was very good that I was looking after mum (he knows she is in a nursing home). Anyway, he was great. He took one look and showed me the raw part (and, to get to it, he had to clean away incontinent piss and shit, the latter probably expelled because of all the heaving I had to do, with somewhat ineffectual help from his “nurse”, to get mum up on the examining table… The usual). I had told him that I thought that mum had had antibiotics about 6 times in the last year and a bit. He agreed that that was not good. We were through quite quickly and I phoned the M. to find out when the handy bus would come to take her back. Not for another hour and a half. So, I said to cancel it, I would take her back myself.
Anyway, the doc got on the phone right away to L. (the nurse at M.) and said that the rawness was a result of incontinence. But, more importantly, he said no more antibiotics, to use lots of zinc cream instead, and, presumably from a question from her, no more Canesten cream either. Wow. Then, he said that she should see a urologist. There was one down the hall and we should make an appointment. His nurse and I went down there (with mum) to try to make an appointment, hoping for perhaps immediate attention, as the doc had suggested. The earliest the urologist could see her would be September. The nurse asked if there was any way it could be earlier, or if they had a waiting list for cancellations. No. I said she may not live that long. No effect. I asked if there was someone else mum could see in town. No. I said that surely this was not the only urologist in town. (In fact, they are apparently as rare as hen’s teeth – a great career for someone looking for a niche.) No effect. So, back we went to the doc’s office. He got mad and stomped off down the hall to try for himself. No luck. We were going to leave, in fact were out the door, then, he said, wait a bit. We waited. There seemed to be another urologist further down the hall. The doc made about four sorties down the hall to try to make an appointment for us. First the receptionist was not there, then the urologist’s nurse was the only one who could schedule times and she had gone to the hospital but would be back soon, etc. etc. In the meantime, the doc sat us down inside his area (not in the waiting room, where this whole thing was becoming spectacle. I think we were in and out of there about three times, with people opening the door for us each time) and eventually the urologist nurse came by, the appointment was made for the 26th of March and we were suitably grateful. The doc called L. again, to tell her of the appointment and to say that mum should have a catheter till then, to give her perineum a chance to heal a bit. (Later, when I brought mum back and talked to L., I told her that the doc had been wonderful, and she said that she was amazed that he had phoned her – twice!) Anyway, by the time we were through, it was about the same time as the cancelled handy bus would have come by. Still, I was hugely grateful to the doc for his efforts and thanked him and shook his hand and all that. He had really understood and taken us under his wing. His main reason for trying to get an appointment immediately was because he said that, since she was 95 etc. it would be so much easier to do it right away than to have to drag her out a second time. Wow.
So, now mum is on a catheter and it seems to be ok. I must say that my initial reaction was one of a bit of dread, since the last time they put her on a catheter, they first did not succeed and injured her, and she got infected. I know it is sometimes difficult. So, yesterday, I was not sure if we would be able to go for lunch or not. When I arrived, mum was still in bed. I hung around till a nurse/aide showed up. It was Liz, the one I had a screaming match with way back, the one who looks sort of sour all the time. I asked if someone was going to get mum up. She said they were all at lunch. I pulled a face (I could not help myself!) And she paid attention (I can’t remember exactly what she said). I said that I usually take mum for lunch on Sunday, and that, because she was on a catheter I did not know if that was possible, and if not, I could just visit with her and that would be ok. Well, she said: “Oh yes, I had forgotten about that.” I asked her whether she thought I should take mum out, she thought about it for a minute and she said: “I think it should be ok. I don’t see why not,” and went into action. There was a question about what to do with the catheter bag. I suggested that a few days ago mum had had one strapped to her leg and that that might work well. She agreed. Then, the search for a leg bag. It seems they are kept in some store room, no one had the key, there was some master key that they tried… Liz came back with two of the bags and insisted that I take one and keep it with me (presumably for the next time), saying: “Yes, you should take this. You know, we had to pick the lock to get in there…” And she went to a lot of trouble to get mum up and sorted out. So, all’s well that ends well. I am quite relieved. She will probably never smile at me (or maybe anyone else), but I feel that we are over the “problem” and I will not have to take it personally if she marches by scowling. And such are our little traumas, except, in mum’s case, the “little” traumas are not so little, since there is not much else.
4.4.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Mum and the catheter. She only had it in for about a week. Then, on March 26 I took her to her appointment with the urologist at the Rockyview. The test is called a cystoscopy and although they smear on some local anaesthetic, it is still uncomfortable, especially if you have raw bits, I guess. Anyway, they said I could stay with her, and I held her shoulders and tried to be reassuring as the doctor examined her urinary tract and bladder via a small scope. She was sore for part of the day afterwards, but when I went to see her in the evening, she was ok. I guess they look for infections or cysts (I assume from the name). He said that her bladder was inflamed (but not infected). He could tell that she had had a catheter (though that was almost a week before). He said he would test her urine for any sign of kidney problems. Other than that, he was prescribing a hormone cream that would help her resist infections. I told him that I fed her yoghurt every day and he said that was good. I hope it makes it all easier. The doctor was very good.
4.4.02 [Inese to Dzidra] All is well enough with mum. She has no complaints about any pains. I have not recently checked her bum. However, they lost her hearing aid last week. No sign of it yet. There are endless variations of frustration, I guess.
28.4.02 [Inese to Dzidra] It has just occurred to me that you may have valuable input to the annual review at Mayfair. Sorry about the short notice. I was not smart enough to think of it earlier. The review takes place on May 1, at 9 am. If you think of anything let me know. It is a meeting with all the areas of care (not with the actual care giving Filipinas) but with their bosses: Food services, Physio, Nursing, Doctors (no docs present, as I remember, nurses pass info along) any sort of Recreation, etc. Anyway, if you think of anything we should request, let me know.
28.4.02 [Dzidra to Inese] Just got your email about the Mayfair meeting — if I think of anything will let you know. Meanwhile — what the hell will they do if they can’t find the hearing aid???? Surely they can’t just leave mum without any??? jesus. And at $1,000 per ear or so, I imagine they will not jump at correcting their mistake…
30.4.02 [Dzidra to Inese] Still can’t think of anything for the Mayfair, except things like they shouldn’t let people fall and break their hips, they shouldn’t leave oldies in draughty corridors, they shouldn’t have staff steal zinc cream, they should give us helpers for doing their jobs (feeding our rels) for them, they shouldn’t lose hearing aids, they should exercise residents more, they should cure old age… O, a million things that youth and good health would fix… I’m sure I’ll be able to wrap my brain around such a question better at the end of this coming visit… see you soon.
2.5.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Music great, but hearing a problem.
16.5.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Mum’s hearing aid saga continues. I have talked to Calgary Hearing Aid to tell then I want to replace it. It will cost $1050 and Aids to Daily Living will pay $756. I have talked to and sent a letter outlining all the details to Y. at the M. (she is the Director of Nursing). She is pure PR and defending the owner’s position. I already decided that when I talked to her after mum’s broken hip. So, I suspect I will get nowhere. However, I will still try. In the meantime, the person from Calgary Hearing Aid who does the testing has to phone me for an appointment. Last week mum was in bed for three days with a fever from urinary tract infection again, while they struggled to get a catheter urine sample to decide what drug to use. However, she says that she has no pain in her bum. That is a relief. On Sunday we went for our usual burger outing, with the addition of a couple of slices of gourmet Kahlua/coffee cheese cake for Mother’s Day. I decided not to buy a whole cake, and even then, she is still eating bits of the two slices three days later. But it is nice.
17.05.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Here is a copy of the letter I gave Y. re mum’s hearing aid. She has indicated that she does not think that the owners will agree to any responsibility for “private articles”. L. had said that I should go and talk to Robin, because she said “we lost it”. But I did not want to say that to Robin at the time. Maybe in round two.
May 9, 2002 Mayfair Care Centre Re: Erna Dzelme’s hearing aid disappearance Erna’s hearing aid has now been missing for almost a month. We presume it is lost. I was advised that I should see you about a replacement. The following is an outline of events: About mid-April, I checked her hearing aid and found that it was not working. I put a new battery in it a few days before. I took it to the front desk and told L. that I would take it to Calgary Hearing Aid for repair. She said that she too had recently put in a new battery, so it must be some other problem. Next day, I went to where there used to be an office for CHA in the Heritage Centre. It was no longer there. I called L. to see if she had an address for them. She only had the phone number of another hearing aid company. I looked up the CHA in the phone book and went to their Forest Lawn office. The man there tested the hearing aid and cleaned out the wax. He said that the wax was the problem. He told me to tell M. staff that mum’s ears needed to be flushed out, and that that was something they could do.
That evening, I put the hearing aid back in mum’s ear and told front desk that the hearing aid was back and working, but that her ears needed cleaning. The nurse said that they would have to OK it with her doctor and that they would then put in some mineral oil, etc. The next couple of days mum did not have the hearing aid. I assumed that was because of the mineral oil treatment and did not go looking for it. Then, on about the third day, I did check for it in her box on the cart. It was not there. I asked about it at the front desk. They said that L. must know and that they would ask her. Next day, the same thing – L. has probably put it somewhere and they would let her know. Third day, same story. Then, I was gone for a seminar for 3 days and did not visit.
On Monday, I called L. from work. She was not there. Called again Tuesday. No-one had told her that the hearing aid was missing. She thought I still had it off for repairs. I searched mum’s room, clothes, the cupboards and assumed that the staff were also searching. I was due for the annual review meeting on Wednesday, May 1 and assumed that L. would be there with some info about it by now. I put a notice on the board in mum’s room and searched the room again. L. said they had looked everywhere as well with no success. Yes, I am upset about it. Especially as on at least three occasions in the past year she has had someone else’s hearing aid in her ear. I think that is appalling. Once, her hearing aid had ended up in another resident’s ear who had been taken to hospital for a few days. Another time, I found the hearing aid she had been wearing in her bed. The nurse said that mum keeps taking it out. I looked at the hearing aid. It was not hers and did not fit into her ear.
After the last switch a few months ago, I put her name (ERNA) in fine permanent marker on the inside surface of the hearing aid. I had tried writing on the outer edge once before, but it rubbed off. This time it worked and stayed on – though, in the end, to no avail. Her own aid fits very snugly. L. agreed with me that she was not capable of removing it herself. I think it is time to replace the lost hearing aid and would appreciate your approval for that as soon as possible.
10.5.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Following our telephone conversation yesterday, I have been given a quote by Calgary Hearing Aid for a replacement. They say it will cost $1050 (ballpark). I have also checked with Aids to Daily Living and they will cover to a maximum of $756. That leaves a difference of just under $300.
You said that you would check with the owners of M. about covering the cost. You also mentioned that, generally, M. is not responsible for personal items. Specifically for that reason (not because she owns none), Erna has no jewellery, watches or other items of value with her. However, a hearing aid is not the same as a ring. The latter is an optional adornment. A hearing aid is medical equipment, necessary to her well-being and functioning, including communication with the staff. The staff is responsible for putting it in and taking it out and storing it in between. It is not something that the family can do for the resident. I feel quite strongly that M. should pay the balance. If I had borrowed a piece of equipment from M. and had lost it, I assume that I would be asked to replace it, and rightly so. I look forward to your help in getting this matter settled as quickly and fairly as possible. Yours sincerely, (IB + phone numbers at work and at home)
[Result: they did not pay. They offered to “lend” me the money, with a schedule of monthly repayments. I had to accept, as there was no alternative suggestion.]
17.8.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Then, the response at Mayfair from the administrator, the one I think is all about PR. However, the cloth diapers have suddenly appeared, so that is good:
Hello Inese, Please be aware that your mother’s plan of care includes the following: 1. Cloth incontinent supplies with cloth insert. 2. Peri care with clear water only followed by critic aide barrier cream (of note a swab was collected and a phone call to the doctor to rule out a fungal rash). 3. Perineal are to be exposed to the air when in bed to promote healing. 4. Yogurt or fruit dessert only has been ordered through the kitchen. 5. Assistance with water glass at mealtime and offering her water with a straw throughout the day has been reinforced with staff and appears on her care plan. Please let me know if there are any further concerns. Thank you. Robin Harmon DOC
27.8.02 [Inese to Dzidra] [Inese had been away for a course for 4 days – Nelson took over daily visits to Erna] Mum is fine. She volunteered that she had really liked having Nelson around, that he had been really nice to her, had driven her around [in wheelchair] the yard and sometimes sat and breathed the fresh air. And right now she knows that Nelson was away giving a lecture and she asks about how that went, etc.
28.8.02 [Dzidra to Inese] How did you survive the workshop? How did the Nelson/Mum visits go? Did she know who he was etc etc?
14.9.02 [Inese to Dzidra] As for mum, she is basically ok. However, she had a chest infection & cough (something going around, apparently) and is on antibiotics. I went in to talk to L. about mum’s bum. Told her about the Penaten cream alternative. She said that the doctor had just put mum on a vaginal cream (she has a urinary tract infection once more) that is new. L. said that she knew that antibiotics killed all the other protective vaginal stuff. I told her that I was feeding mum some yoghourt and some acidophilus capsules. She said “Do it”. Today, she told me that mum’s bum was finally getting a bit better. I guess we will see.
14.10.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Sorry to hear about Freijs [he died suddenly]. That must have been a shock to Ruta. How is she doing? I have not told mum. Did not think there was any point – either she won’t remember who he was, or she will be upset if she does. Mum is doing OK, though her bum is not. I talked to L. about the Penaten cream. She thought at that time that the other cream that they were using was working. And for a while it was. Now, she said she would talk to the doctor again. And, now, I will have to talk to her again. Maybe she is ready to give the cream a shot.
I have decided to divide mum’s vitamins between two days, half each day. She has been struggling to swallow the all. So, taking half as many at a time is easier. For her birthday, I bought a couple of slices of nice cake that she then had for the next few days. Your emails, including the one for her birthday were handed to me on Saturday by the guy in physio to read to her. So, I guess they had not been read in the past week.
Oh, yes. Mum says to apologize to you for her being out of it when you phoned. She said that at first she did not even figure out that it was the phone, and did not understand that it was you, etc., etc. I know that you understand anyway. She has also said in the last two days that I must tell you that you should buy yourself some fruit and candy “uz svētkiem”. I don’t know if she means Thanksgiving now (I doubt it) or for Xmas “soon” – probably the latter, since now that it is getting cold and there is even snow, she must be thinking about Xmas.
I phoned about her hearing aid on Oct 7. And, or course, it had “just come in” (from wherever they send it for repairs). I went and picked it up and the guy said that it had had a fair bit of moisture in it, and to tell them at the nursing home to take it out when they give her a bath… No mention of cost! I was relieved. I think it must still have been considered under warranty, since it was only a few months before that she got it. Whew! I told L. about the moisture and that that meant that it had probably gone through a wash as I had suspected. She made the right clucking noises and I told her to put up whatever signs, warnings, instructions she thought necessary.
I also got a call from the guy who made her dentures. He had the payment of the refund. Made an appointment to see him, then he cancelled, then made a new one. Eventually, I did go to see him. [He had moved to a different office and was surprised that I had found him.] He paid out $460 IN CASH. I looked at him in surprise and asked him why in cash? He said that he had received a payment of some four different claims together in one cheque. I had to accept that. However, I thought he was making it up. So, I decided to check with the Seniors Benefits people, saying I wanted to check if I had been paid the right amount on the claim. Well, they looked and found a claim for the lining of her teeth that had been rejected, because it was too soon… (He had said that the first claim had been rejected because it was too soon…) And there was no further claim! So, I don’t know what that means, but there is not much else I can do. Maybe he paid me to get rid of me, though that seems unlikely! Anyway, case closed, I guess.
24.10.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Mum is OK. The doc has seen her, and looks like there is more Canesten cream on her dresser. So, I’ll talk to L. again, though I suspect I will have to wait for the cream to be used up, before they might consider trying the Penaten. So it goes.
20.11.02 [Inese to Dzidra] You have some ladies who are your fans at Mayfair — Cathy, of course, and others, like Julie (I think — one of the daughters of the Japanese lady — {Ma Po}?) who say to say “hello” to you and, some of whom, miss you. As for mum’s bum — there has been a prescription by the dermatologist. It seems to be helping for the moment. She is easier for now. I asked her today (Wednesday) how her bum was, since you asked in your email, and she said that it was ok now. I only hope that it might last.
9.12.02 [Inese to Dzidra] As for mum she had a bug last week. L. called me on Monday, which I am grateful for. There has been a bug going around – it has closed down some cruise ships (Disney) and has closed the geriatric wards at the Rockyview Hospital, as well as creating problems at some nursing homes. Well, after all that, it was probably the bug that mum got. She had thrown up three times on Monday night, had fever. I came and went. On Tuesday, she was fine. On Wednesday, she was freezing (the gals had put a blanket over her shoulders a bit before I came). On Thursday, she was in bed (after lunch) and sort of out of it. On Friday, she was ok. On Saturday and Sunday (our McDonald’s outing today) were all fine. As far as I can tell at the moment, her bum stuff has been solved by the dermatologist’s prescriptions. However, I do not expect that that will be a lasting result. So, more battles to come.
She has had a flu shot. I also had one this year for the first time. I asked for the shot this year. However, you can’t have one for free unless you are older or have another compelling reason. The doc, a new person, said she thought that we should all have the shot. We had to find a “reason”. So, the fact that mum was 96 and that I visited her in a nursing home (with all the other frail inhabitants at risk) was enough. I got my shot.
12.12.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Mum is not in great shape. The bug she had keeps recurring. She was sick again on Monday (had thrown up quite a bit – and yet, on Saturday and Sunday she was really fine). Then, still not well on Tuesday. On Wednesday, I went to see her at noon. She was bent over, drooping in the wheelchair in her room, bleating weakly. I asked her what was wrong and she said “water, water”. I gave her some, she said “more”. She drank 3 (!) glasses. I don’t think she has ever drunk three glasses in her life. I told the nurses, but who knows how much of any of it registers. In the evening, she was in bed and I did not bother her. Today, I called L., who said that she was still weak, tired and that her colour was not good. Tonight, she was still droopy, but no fever and we did manage vitamins, yoghurt, going outside, your last two letters and one song.
13.12.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Mum is a whole lot better tonight. Though she was better last weekend, too, and then got sick again. Tomorrow I’ll see her at noon, and it is supposed to be relatively warm, so we will be able to spend more time outside.
21.12.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Just a note to tell you that mum is a lot better, last night and today. She is still weak, but nothing like before. So, maybe these are some sorts of attacks that come and go. We’ll see.
23.12.02 [Inese to Dzidra] She has been in bed for basically two days. Today, she had had a bath and L. had asked that she soak a bit because her bum and backside were affected by lying in bed (bed sores stuff). Yesterday evening and today at lunch and evening, she did not want to get up. Today, she said “later” and I told them to try again in about 10 minutes. When I got there, she was asleep, snoring. I woke her up to ask about supper, etc. She said NO. She did say that she was comfortable and that she did not want that to be destroyed. This evening, she was really comfortable. They have put a soft quilt under her (because of the bum sores) and I think that mum is somehow really enjoying that.
However, it may be an “endgame” that we are in. And it may also be a “false alarm”. I have no idea. I will keep showing up several times a day, and I will let you know how it goes.
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1.1.03 [Inese to Dzidra] [I visited her at lunchtime – got the kitchen to give me just a plain piece of bread and butter (her favourites) instead of the regular lunch, but she did not really eat anything. Tried to tell her that it was “ok to go” – but could not manage to say it – told her instead that “everything was ok and that she did not have to worry about anything…” I think she understood. About half an hour after I left to got home, around 2 p.m. she had died. L. called me to tell me.]
7.1.03 [Dzidra to Inese] I’m back. How is everything?
7.1.03 [Inese to Dzidra]
Mum is “home” now. I brought the container of remains home yesterday and put it on the piano. And I slept slightly better last night, though still not well. But there is the sense that it is over now.
Last Wednesday, Nelson and I went to M. and took all her stuff home in the afternoon. And we were glad that we had done it immediately. It would have been a lot harder the next day. Thursday, we went to the funeral home. The guy who was the director was very helpful and did not try to “sell” us anything.
We told them we wanted to take pictures to send overseas. They agreed to dress her in the clothes I gave them (her favourite green dress) and bring her back from the morgue and put her on a table with white covers, etc. It cost an extra $150, but that seems cheap for the effort involved. Nelson bought some roses to include and we took the photos. It was a bit hard because the table is rather high (I think he called it a “dressing” table, and I assume it is waist high to make it easier for them to work.) They had left us on our own in the room and Nelson took a small coffee table to stand on. We were a bit nervous that they might come back and not like us clambering over their furniture. Anyway, we managed as best we could.
I also went to see Joani and talked to her a bit. She said she had emailed you. On Sunday, I spent most of the day washing mum’s clothes. I also packaged up all the leftover diaper pads, soaker sheets, denture cleaners and denture fixatives, spare hearing aid batteries, etc. I was a little worried that they would not be allowed to accept them for some sort of hygienic reasons, but the gal I spoke to was happy to have then. So, I was relieved – in our usual fashion, it seemed too much of a waste to just throw them out, and trying to find someone else to give them to would have been a pain.
So, there it is. Today, my main task is to contact pension and other agencies, both here and in Australia, to let them know. Then, there are still letters to write to Latvia, both to the relatives and friends, but also to the municipal folk (they sent a Xmas card to mum), and everyone else in other places. That will take a while. I will send you some photos as soon as I can manage.
8.1.03 [Letter from Inese to Dzidra] Dear Dzid, Here are two originals & a few copies of the Statement of Death — Don’t give the originals away, unless you have to. I have 3 more here, if you need them — and I think I could ask for more. You will no doubt need at least one for Latvia. The actual time of death was 14.02 as recorded on the Mayfair charts. The certificate signed by the doctor has gone to Statistics Canada and no-one else has a copy. If needed, I assume I could apply for a copy. I have one original of the Cremation Certificate — am sending you a couple of copies.
Also two copies of her will. Addresses in it are out of date, including the lawyers’. I don’t know where they are now (years ago they were no longer in Clearbrook). I assume there is some sort of record somewhere that one can consult to find them, if we ever needed an original.
I have also put in all the photos I have — (I still have a few slides in my camera — for later.) The first few were during the 10 days or so at Xmas, after she had the liver attack. They are dark on one side because I keep covering the flash on my small camera with my finger, without realizing it — Nelson pointed it out, later, in the funeral home. Both he & I took pictures on Jan 1 afternoon in the “quiet room” where she had spent the last couple of days. I pulled back the covers in that one shot. In the funeral home we also both took pictures — so you have somewhat different colour readings.
On the Statement of Death, her “usual residence” had to be the address of the Mayfair.
The photos look a bit awful — However, she was not suffering, other than to fight off people trying to feed her and talk to her and “poke at her”. On one of the last days in her room, the aides were busy changing her in bed when I opened the door — she actually had a smile on her face — I was relieved. In the “quiet room” her face is caved in because she has no teeth — about 1 1/2 hours or less before, I had put her teeth in because she wanted some bread and sipped some milk.
I think I told you, but anyway — when I asked Linda how she had “known” — she said she had felt she should check (by looking in) and had seen her give a big sigh & then, checking her vital signs, noted them gradually, peacefully subside. I think Linda’s shift finished at 2 — So it was 5 minutes later. She called me immediately — I contacted you — I was there by about 2.30.
Mum was still warm, though hands & jaw were starting to get cold. So, there it is. In the funeral home, I touched her & she was very cold — and a bit clammy — that, no doubt, because her temperature was lower than that of the room & so there was condensation.
For me, it was important to do that. When our grandmother died, she was in an open coffin & friends & family filed past, some of them reaching out to touch her. I reached out too, but alarmed adults cried: “Don’t do that” before I could touch her. I asked mum later why they had done that (I was quite startled and hurt) and she said that it was because grandmother was now cold and they thought that that would frighten me. So, now, a circle of some sort has been closed.
Love to you and I’m glad your time away was positive for you. Your telling me that helped me. I have not yet started to tackle the letters — the list is a bit daunting. But, I suppose that one by one it will get done. Inese
19.1.03 [Inese to Janis] Thank you for your condolences. I am ok with it all, at least on the mum-dying-rite-of-passage bit. Xmas was a blur for me. She had an attack of liver failure just before Xmas. I went several times a day to help her eat and make sure she got enough water — she was asking for it constantly, for the first time in her life. By Saturday 28th, she was ok and I thought she might be fine on Sunday. On Sunday, she was cross, refused to eat, and just wanted to be left in peace. I guess she had made up her mind. The next few days were up and down, but mainly “leave me alone”. In my efforts to sustain her, it did not occur to me to say that it was OK, until January 1, at lunch. You know intellectually that that is what you should do, but my focus was on keeping her going, despite the fact that on some level, I knew she had to quit, and I was quite alarmed at the thought that her not eating could go on for quite a long time yet. So, I finally managed to say that she should not worry about anything, not think about anything and that everything was going to be ok. An hour and a half later, the nurse phoned to say that mum had taken a big sigh and that her vital signs had gradually subsided.
So, that is the news. I am basically ok with it and am hugely grateful that it did not drag on longer. However, I am irrationally impatient with all kinds of small idiocies. Have no tolerance at all. Nelson has been great in his support through all the inevitable bureaucratic bits. His mum said “stick with Inese”, and he has. Now, he is the brunt of my impatience. I have told him that I know it is a reaction to mum’s death and has not a lot to do with him, and that I am not sure where and how it fits, but that I can’t control it for the moment.
Then this weekend, it finally dawned on me. About a week ago, my sister had just come back from a retreat (self actualizing, goal setting etc.) that was good for her, had made peace with mum’s passing and declared that “now I can really live my life the way I want to”. […] So, that and some half-asleep thinking, pinpointed my anger. I have been feeling that I have to redefine myself, now that a large part of me is no longer “the one that looks after mum”. I also seem to have a well of resentment (to no-one in particular) that I have largely given myself over to caring for mum (no-one forced me, I took it on myself) to the gradual dwindling of my own “art” stuff. You know: “…the best years of my life…” syndrome. Work and mum and some reading and bed. There was not enough energy for much more. So, I have to learn to deal with the anger and to find a way to establish my own equilibrium again. It is late, but maybe not too late. I cannot imaging that I will live as long as mum did (she was 96), since my lifestyle (and the world around me) is not at all as untainted as hers was. I am happy that I did manage to publish her stuff, which made a huge difference. Now, I have to hurry up and switch gears ad get on with it myself. Wish me luck.
It is clear that I have to sort myself out, for myself, with no crutches or excuses, be they family, work or friends. And I better hurry up.
Well, Jani, there is my rant. I assume you will take it for what it is, and I am glad that I imagine that I can tell it to you. I know that you have gone through a similar version of life. It is, after all, a regular rite of passage. I am really OK and I wish the same and more for you.
23.1.03 [Janis to Inese] I read your account of the last days with your mum and can understand the difficulty in coping with the situation — I remember the conflict within when deciding that continuous encouragement to eat was not what my mum wanted and that her body seems to regulate and say no need for food now. You are brought up to believe that it is essential to eat to survive and therefore one of the essential components of properly caring for someone you love is to make sure that they have food — and if you cannot provide that — and in my case especially when looking after Coralie, you feel a failure.
I can also understand that it would have been difficult with your mum being in a nursing home and you having to work and it being winter etc. But I am glad to hear that you are now thinking of yourself and I hope that you are able to believe the things that will make your life much more enjoyable — deservedly so!!! I have not met many people who are as thoughtful as you — even simple things like the message you sent me for Jani — that I did not answer.
30.1.03 [Inese to Dzidra] I am now wavering about a Calgary burial for mum. I am not tied to that at all, other than that there should be somewhere that she is commemorated. Presumably, I could sell the cemetery plot without too much difficulty… Maybe it would be easier to consider Latvia as a more appropriate place, since there is pretty well no-one here who knows her. I had assumed, one way or another, that whatever version of burial there might be would have to wait for another visit from you, whenever. Or, if it is to be elsewhere, then from us both. Think about it. Austra (she called) had asked if we were planning a service in Australia, and said she would make sure she would be there. Currently, mum rests on the piano! Think about it and let me know. There is no hurry, and right now, I don’t have money to travel to anywhere.
1.9.03 [Dzidra to Inese] I wrote to Dace, mentioned your dreams, asked about the burial… I checked my emails and on 8 August I already wrote to her saying that Calmane had said all is complete and satisfactory, and mentioning to her that I’d asked Janis Birnitis to deal only with Calmane but that he must have seen someone else who gave him back all the documents which he brought to her… but that Calmane had said that all was OK.
She seems to have ignored that and gone ahead and translated everything, and then sent Janis off to get them certified…!!!! which will cost… What can one say! […] I even sent her a copy of Calmane’s email that also showed that the only thing they still needed was the pilnvara… and that I was getting that done here… Anyway…
2.9.03 [Inese to Dzidra}] As for Dace, well, carry on as best you can. Sometime soon, I will have to write to her. I have not written to her or anyone else for months and months. In terms of going there to bury mum, I can’t see that happening before next spring or summer. Right now, I don’t have the money and I’m not ready to give mum’s papers away just yet.
You ask about dreams. Right now I don’t have them. As I said, maybe just saying that I did was enough. In any case, the last one I had was not the me-saving-her kind. In it she was young and very beautiful and had makeup on and mascara and was being very seductive in an off-the-shoulder black dress, smiling and making eyes in a very lively manner. I do not remember who was around. I did not seem to be threatened, though maybe slightly envious.
What is interesting about that is that I had not gotten back to her papers for months. This past weekend was a long one and I got back to reading bits. They are full of real or imagined connections with guys and all that stuff. It is quite amazing. […]
At some point, she does comment with some lucidity that all her emotional upheaval is that of a young girl, the stuff she missed out on at the beginning of her life and never made up for later. There was also a sentence that I thought said that she had ever had “fulfilment”, not even “that first summer of her marriage” — I don’t know if she means physical or emotional or both. She seems to have sought the “emotional” (as a kind of closeness, tenderness, caring, maybe sharing) all along, and, as far as I know, never managed any sort of real connection with any of the people she fantasizes about. […] Did you ever talk to her about all that?
From what I read, and what I know about her attachment to the doc in Montreal, I suddenly thought that doctors need danger pay — because of lonely or frustrated middle-aged women to whose well-being they show some attention and care!
27.9.03 [Inese to Dzidra] I got an almost formal letter from Calmane saying that there would be no problem about burial in the cemetery. She even sent 3 very dark photos of the gravesite, saying that it was quite large enough for an additional burial. She offers to help in any way needed. So, all that seems ok. But again, I can’t see getting over there till at least next year.
What do you know about mum’s breakdown in (or after) Summer Hill, after she left the belt factory and went to work in Mascot (I don’t know at what)? I remember her being odd for a while (before I got married), but I did not really spend time with it to find out all about it. It was all that stuff about secret agents and being tested and watched and mentally tortured and all the stuff about colours of cars, about numbers, about everything being a sign or omen, etc., etc., about not being able to sleep if there was a reflected light on the wall, afraid of it, about things being ominous and evil and alive around her, about nightmares, lights, voices, etc. She does not write much about it, but there is one set of pages when she first went to stay with you in Newcastle, just after it all. She is still in total fear and panic and afraid that she will collapse completely. Then, there is a reference to it and a sort of recurrence in Wollongong, after her fantasy (she calls most of these infatuations fantasies and illusions, but usually later) about the bus driver fell apart (what happened) — she says she talked to you about it, then regrets doing that. Do you remember anything? The original breakdown seems to have been really severe. And she spends much of later time trying to be strong enough not to give in to it again. I will type up the section from Newcastle for you, but not yet for a while.
27.9.03 [Dzidra to Inese] Of mum — I remember her saying something about the people at the belt factory — and even at Readers Digest I think — being like big brothers watching everyone… and I remember feeling impatient with her, and not believing her, and so she didn’t say much more — guess she could see she didn’t have a sympathetic ear… remember almost feeling that in her mind I would be added to the “plot against her”… that I was in on it somehow… and she/I didn’t really want to go down that path… though I did sometimes wonder whether she thought I had been gotten to… I was afraid of being thus alienated from her… But in general I tried to ignore it.
I remember in Newcastle, in the flat we rented where she came to live too, there was an enormous ugly red vinyl armchair… really fat padded thing. She used to cover it with a blanket… she said the colour was somehow bad… but more than just bad taste. It was evil. However, she did deal with it by covering it with a blanket. I wasn’t aware of the lights thing.
I think it was in Wollongong she did say something about her interest in a bus driver… but I really didn’t think much more about it. An infatuation, I supposed… and we all had them. I really don’t recall being told anything in detail — or incidents or anything. Just that there was a bus driver she was interested in… and I usually took it that he would be just being friendly and maybe a bit flirty, and that she would make it mean more than it did… Don’t remember anything about nightmares — but I think I did experience her groaning rather awfully in her sleep at times…
I think my general attitude was a sort of fear about indulging all that kind of thing — fear of her submitting to it… and so I didn’t give her much sympathy… and indicated that it was just her imagination etc… that none of it was real. A carry on regardless sort of way of dealing with it… Certainly wasn’t much support to whatever she was going through… and didn’t explore it with her. Was not game to give it fuel…
Knew nothing about colours of cars, or number. Poor thing! Remember at some time thinking — that you getting to marriage stage made her somehow — maybe feel that her time now was… “over” in a way… that she had had her chances… now you were taking the centre stage, as it were… and that she was having a hard time dealing with no longer being the main one… as it were.
These were the thoughts that I had way back then — when we all thought that anyone a few years older than ourselves was over the hill… somehow though, in there, was a consciousness that Mum’s life on the farm and with Dad was so consumed in all that domestic stuff… and that she hated it etc etc… and that she’d sort of missed out on what she might have been… and her kids growing up and marrying somehow underlined the… wasted chances. Anyway… those were the days when movies used to END with the couple at last getting to the altar!
But I never seriously talked to her about any of it. Much later I think it did come up, and she did acknowledge it as something in her mind… and I just was quietly relieved that she didn’t still think that there had been real plots and threats in those factories… but I wasn’t sure enough that if I pressed the point about the Readers’ Digest/belt factory… whether she would still think that there had been something going on there that was a bit sinister…
And I always wished she would share herself more with me!!! No wonder she didn’t!!! I was not differentiated enough to be able to hear her truths without sort of panicking myself… and discounting her…
2.11.03 [Inese to Dzidra] I suppose in some ways I am luckier than you in having been with mum all this time. I do not have a lot of unsolved personal issues, or, at least, I think I can manage to lay them to rest and feel that I did what I could and we lived as best we could. In other ways, our distance has given you more freedom, but maybe more worry. I do not think you should worry a lot. Mum was ecstatic to have your visits.
The stuff I worry about is the stuff to do with her writing — it is her as an artist/writer. I know that if I do not do anything with what might still be worth considering, no-one else will. I wonder if there is still an audience for her work at all, or whether it was all the folks of her generation who are fast fading, etc. I do not have the time and money to do what might be necessary right now, though I could start slowly. It is an enormous job. There is stuff in her diaries that could be of interest, maybe. There is very little in there about you or me. I’ll copy out the family history bits. The rest has almost nothing. It is all about her career and infatuations and loneliness. Frustrations about no money, going or not to the Latvians, sometimes based on not having anything to wear (and not wanting to wear what had been worn before — in that her vein, I remember her commenting that I should not be wearing the same dress again to a Latvian do, which I used to do all the time). As I mentioned, endless notes of letter sent, mostly to keep politics alive, though some for friendship and common literary concerns and feedback. The Skrastins thing, where she sent off her manuscript of stories and poems and money for a book to be published (he was in the States) was a horrendous episode. I remember, in Mission, Gordon phoned and wrote threatening legalistic letters to him (so it was in about 1975, I know her diaries mention the actual date) all to no avail. Later, she mentions trying to persuade others in the States to try to visit/convince Skrastins to at least give back her manuscript (she had sent it from Australia — before easy/cheap photocopying was available) to no avail. And, eventually Skrastins died. She never got over all that and I am not surprised.
You commented on her ability to talk to Dana about world affairs. Some specific bits about Czechoslovakia may have come from our trips there and comments about — in ’68, before and after the revolutions. We were all devastated by the invasion and in love with the Czechs before and after that. However, she also read Vaclav Havel’s books that I have — at least two of them acquired in 1990 and 1991, so before her visit to you, though I don’t know when she read them. However, she has always had a surprising interest in politics. In her diaries, she mentions the Kennedy/Nixon election (and I vaguely remember dad reading about it in the papers), she talks of reading the papers in her diaries, and certainly had opinions on elections in Australia and Canada when we lived on Vancouver Island. In Montreal, she followed the news on TV and in the paper (complaining in the latter of the long wordy introductions) and was aware of and had opinions about politicians, from the city mayor to the provincial reps to the national leaders. The same has been true here.
As far as her career is concerned, as I have said, she paid close attention to keeping her contacts and supporters alive. There were several times (including the Skrastins fiasco) where her books were not published (the few that were officially published) in time or in time for major events, and she was bitter about that.
The most touching thing altogether is her belief that she could make money with her work. That is, obviously, what it should have been in “normal” circumstances. In the emigre version of life, and hers sometimes worse than others, (and all kinds of reasons for that, including the fact that when she published “Musu kaimins” most of the Latvian ladies found it very risque and said that she was very “daring” in publishing it and generally began to avoid her as some sort of threat to their lives). Anyway, apart from that, she rails against the fact that she is given 800 “author copies” which she cannot get rid of, or is not paid by bookstores, or a prize given has no money attached to help the author survive, etc. etc. I know that even here, where I had no notion that any of the books published would actually make any money (let alone cover the costs of production), she kept accounts of it all and it never amounted to anything. I always thought of it as the same idea as the knitting machine that was bought in Berkeley Vale to make us money. However, her indignation that, despite the praise and prizes, she had not enough money to even buy a ticket to the events is very real.
She also kept practising her piano playing and noting her progress, sometimes with some crazy hope that she could perform somewhere somehow, often with the despairing notion of “why? what for?” And in the end, it was all about how she should have been able to make a living with those talents and that training and skill. And none of that could happen, for assorted reasons.
In the other sphere, in the housekeeper world, she earned so little that she could not get her hair done or her teeth looked after. And there was also a resentment that she was a “servant”. Something that comes out of her diaries, is her listing of recipes and comments on how they worked. They are super sophisticated recipes, something I think we never knew about her, or never granted her. There was always some assumption at home that she could not cook, well, these accounts tell otherwise. Yes, she got her recipes from all kinds of others, but she did and she refined them eternally and they were not all traditional “Latvian” fare — a lot of it was real Aussie stuff — stuff I would not know where to begin with.
What other stuff of mum’s papers/books/letters do you have? Does Ruta Freys want to donate any of mum’s letters to the museum collection (she would be duly acknowledged).
5.11.03 [Dzidra to Inese] I don’t have any of mum’s stuff anymore other than her letters to me. She asked me one year during those early visits to bring over whatever she had left behind, and I did.
And yes, Ruta wants to give me those letters from Mum — I just wanted her to read them to me as a quick way of getting through them, rather than my trying to decipher Mum’s writing/Latvian. Last time I saw Ruta about a month ago at Strathfield I said I’d go up to Newcastle sometime probably in November after my show is out of the way. Should I ask her about letters that she sent to Mum — or is that really no longer her say as it were… do you have those? I’m sure she won’t mind — but rather would be flattered.
Of mum and politics — the only memories I have of her interest in Politics was in the personalities and attractiveness of the various leaders… — and their wives… I myself back then didn’t have interest in their politics, and thus did not pay any attention to how interested she was in their actual politics…!
And yet when I think about it, while she did assess the attractiveness of the Kennedys or Trudeaus or whatever, she was looking at leaders… it wasn’t as though she just looked at movie stars… though we all had our favourites there as well.. She liked the weedier ones — the Fred Astaires and Frank Sinatras, and told me of that — was it her Grandmother?? who had had a blonder, attractive first husband, but the second was a weedier small, black haired, maybe even lame fellow, whom the grandmother ended up loving even more, with a passion, than the physically grander one… and it seemed to have made an impact on mum in her assessment of men… I think she thought of Dad as one of those more self-centred grander (?!) types and thought she should have got — one of those other types!!!
Sat. 1.4.00 [Postcard from Dzidra to Erna from Borroloola, Northern Territory, Australia, with cartoon crocodiles.] We’re here — at Burraloola that is — due to meet the island man Gunārs Bekers in 2 days time. Only arrived 1/2 hour ago — rainclouds all around. Humidity 150%!! Like hot soup. And having been properly scared by a “local” (490 Ks away last night) about mozzies — I’ve 2 pairs of socks on & all… They probably only come out at dusk — carrying Ross River Fever & encephalitis… Drive here was good — I shared the driving — was good to drive again after so long. We can’t find the guy we’re supposed to stay with here in town, but he’s around. Wish us well for the rest of it all. Beautiful scenery on the way. [Dz]
[Dzidra and Imants visiting his Latvian friend, Gunārs Bekers, in the Northern Territories]
THE FINAL SAGA
22.4.00 [Inese to friend, Janis Grauds, from Australia who visited for 3 weeks and took Erna out in the wheelchair, which made her feel good and helped really accept the wheelchair.] Happy Easter! We’re just home from our Saturday shopping and hamburgering (happily, with the wheelchair — thanks to you for that!) […] and then I have to boil and paint Easter eggs! Every year I say I won’t get into all that, and every year I buy some more and different paints to experiment with — and mum can’t even see them anymore… Oh well, maybe I’ll quit next year.
23.4.00 [Inese to Janis] I already told you that mum is happy with the wheelchair idea, and I am totally ecstatic about that. It makes my life a lot simpler. And shopping faster and easier, though I still have to figure out the best sorts of shopping bags to hang off the back of the chair. The other news in that department is that mum is listening to music with earphones! Nelson went out and got some easy to use, lightweight ones and I still have all the old records of the piano music by Chopin, Beethoven, Mozart, etc. She always hated the recorded sound, but somehow the earphones make it OK. She can’t manage anything with an orchestral accompaniment (too much other sound), but pure piano works. And a couple of years ago I actually bought a RECORD player (I have most of it on tape, but it appears that the tapes have given out, stretched and gone funny — so, in the best of all worlds, the record player is worth its weight in gold!) So, thank you again for talking to her about the possibility of listening to stuff via earphones. That and the wheelchair are both big pluses in my life.
End April, 2000 [Inese to Janis] Mum is happy as a clam, listening to music via the earphones. She is a revived person to some degree, and I am very happy about that. Still, I am also wilting in the process. This is a tough game.
15.5.00 [Inese to Janis]
Mother’s Day: Gave mum a thorough shower-wash (the gals are all too tentative about “scrubbing” her), then, after breakfast, cut her fingernails, hair, toenails, trimmed her eyebrows and other errant outgrowths. It was all a bit like a beauty salon session, with footbath before the toenail trimming, etc. Apart from the romance of it all, there is no way to cut toenails without soaking! Anyway, the sum total was a certain amount of attention and pleasure.
27.6.00 [Inese to Janis] I am sorry to hear about your mum’s hospitalization. That is never fun, though they usually do manage the right “cure”, if not “care”, for which they usually don’t have time. I hope it all has gone well and she is back home. Last time mum ended up in hospital for about 5 days, I used to go in at all mealtimes to help her with the food, since most of it comes in all sorts of little plastic containers etc. with covers that are as hard to remove as those served on airplanes. Last week when I was visiting my friend Patricia in hospital, she spoke of a roommate who was very old and feeble and could not manage any of that. The food was left for her, but she could not get at it, not even to lift the lid off the main course plate. And Patricia was immobile at the time and could not help either. It is all a little devastating. You speak of 4 hours to get to see a doctor in emergency admitting. Yes, that is probably close to average! The only time it was better, was when I took mum in with a split head, after her fall, at about 3.30 am. I think it was only about 1 1/2 hours or so to doctor’s attention, and only because it was a “quiet” night. And we have spent 8 hours solid of waiting for X-rays and such before getting a bed etc. And no food or drink the whole time, because you are still in the transit/examining stage! And none of that even touches on how they are supposed to get to the toilet, etc., etc. Anyway, I hope your mum is doing well and is comfortable at home. All the rest is very hard to think about.
29.6.00 [Inese to Janis] Am glad to hear that your mum is doing better. You say you should figure out what would make life easier for all. So you have, and I assume you must, some sort of home care assistance, as we do here? Before we needed the Dales etc. coming to help, there was all sorts of safety equipment installed, from bath grips to toilet supports etc. A lot of the railings in my house I installed myself, but all sorts of other bits are supplied, at partial cost. And that goes for everything from walkers to canes to wheelchair and commodes and support poles near the bed and pads and diapers and more. There are stores here, and must be there (and soon will be more, as baby-boomers age — that is encouraging for us all!), that supply all kinds of stuff for the disabled and the aged. From clothing to dishes and utensils with bigger grips for easier handling, etc. etc. Perhaps you already know about them. Here, they are very expensive (unless the item is subsidized via some home care or doctor’s recommendation). However, you get a good idea from those places what is available, and even what is needed. And I have found that it is very useful to get a doctor’s recommendation. e.g. Getting a disabled tag so that I can use the disabled parking when going shopping or to the doctor or wherever with mum has been a blessing. And most of the other services are also based on doctor recommendations. Last time mum landed in hospital, there was a really nice doctor, as well as great nursed who were supposed to assess your at-home needs. The hard part is trying to figure out what to ask for and what would make your life easier, when you are used to just coping. It is very hard, at first to have assorted people coming in to help. Hard to get it right for you and for the patient (mum), and a major shift altogether. Now, I could not cope without them. It takes time (really frantic time, when you don’t know what is happening) for the system to settle out — i.e. to find someone to come at a particular time every day, and not have one person come at 8 and the next at 9 and the next at 10 etc.
In the meantime, your mum is probably still a lot more mobile, as you said. Nevertheless, from what I know of it, that can change (and it inevitably will). I aimed at mum’s independence, for as long as we could. and she had it well. That includes ways of getting around, being able to read clocks (big numbers of digits), answering the phone (an amplifier plugged in to the system), signalling systems to let you know she needs help) for a long time, she used a bicycle tooter, the kind that has a bulb that you squeeze, to call me. She now does not have the strength to squeeze, but has a stick to bash the wall frame instead). Non-slip mats and place mats, grab-bars to stand up and sit down, etc.
28.7.00 [Inese to Janis] Dzid arrived July 1st. Then there was Stampede and umpteen free pancake breakfasts to go to (including mum, in her wheelchair). More on all that later, and I also have some photos of how all that happens.
Then Austra and Ian arrived and I have gone into “super-guide” mode once again, and we talk a lot and cook a lot and at a lot and drink a lot…
12.8.00 [Inese to Janis] Well, Austra and Ian have left and are having a wonderful time already in Paris. However, our life has just got more difficult, because mum has landed in hospital.
Austra and Ian’s visit was wonderful. Ian likes to cook and does it well. So, we had lots of feasts, mostly with an Eastern flair
On the day that Austra and Ian were leaving (Monday 7th), mum was not feeling well, she complained of a pain in her stomach and was totally “out of it”. I had already been up to attend to her about 6 times during the night. The day before, she was fine and came with us (in her wheelchair) to a picnic on the island near the Zoo.
Anyway, I took the Harts to the airport at 4 p.m. and dropped them there and went back home to try to figure out how mum was. Dzid and I had supper and changed our minds 10 times about what to do about mum. Then, around 7.30 I finally decided that we had better do something, as she was never ill like that and out of it for so long. So, I called the ambulance. It arrived immediately and we were at the hospital by 8 p.m. Various tests later, she was diagnosed as probably having a gall stone blockage with infection, making her very sick. More tests to be done in the morning. We left after midnight, leaving mum behind.
Next day, after a brief visit, I left Dzid at the hospital to stay with mum the whole day. I visited at lunch and picked Dzid up at supper. And that has been the pattern since then. Dzid reads all day and talks to nurses and doctors to glean what information she can, tries to help and reassure mum, etc.
On Wednesday, they did a local anaesthetic operation to put a tube into mum’s gall bladder and attached a bag to drain it. They have decided not to try to operate to remove the stone and the bladder because they feel that it would be too risky, considering her age and heart condition. The option now is for mum to keep the draining system. Apparently it can stay in place for up to two years before it needs to be changed, if there are no other complications.
In the meantime, mum is still very weak and sometimes out of it, though the latter is now due mostly to medication, I think. She is to stay in hospital for up to a week yet. Then, home, and presumably will sleep on the main floor, where Dzid slept in the “library”, though I don’t yet know what the possibilities are for getting her bathed in that case. Or, maybe we will have to haul her upstairs and have her stay there. That would mean no walks outside. That seems the more restrictive of the two. So, all that has yet to be figured out.
So, all in all, we are into “the next phase” and it is not much fun for anyone. I am very glad that Dzid is here to spend time with mum in hospital, and to help us all and to be part of it, even if it is not fun. So, that is my update for the moment. Not as cheery as I would have liked.
17.8.00 [Inese to Janis] First, yes, mum is still in hospital. With physio and such they are trying to get her strong enough so that one person can get her up and about, with the help of a walker and wheelchair. The home care people do not send two people to handle anyone, so it has to be managed by one person. It is going incredibly slowly. When I visit her, I take her outside in the wheelchair and I usually try to get her up and taking a few steps with me. Today, it went O.K. for a bit, but then her left leg gave way and she was collapsing onto the lawn, with me trying to hold her up and get her back to her wheelchair. A gentleman riding by on the bicycle path along the Glenmore reservoir/lake, that the hospital overlooks, saw our predicament and dashed over to help. Very nice of him, but it all is not very encouraging If she does not get strong enough in the next week or two, I think they expect her to go to a nursing home. All I know about them is that they pretty well all have long waiting lists and can take months from the time that you apply. And some are good and others are awful… And I guess the only way to find out is to go and visit them… etc. etc. She is supposed to come home for an overnight visit on the 25th, with social workers in tow to check out the house to see if any more equipment or installations are needed. The question of upstairs or downstairs, how to bathe etc still remains. And so it goes.
26.8.00 [Inese to Janis] At our end, mum is still in hospital. Dzid spends all day every day there. She leaves for Sydney on Wednesday.
Mum’s initial operation for draining the gallbladder went well and mum was recovering really well. Then, on the 13th (it has always been a lucky number for mum, though not this time), the day after I wrote to you, three nursed were getting her up out of bed (there are not usually that many around, and that may have contributed to the problem) and in dragging her off did not notice that her draining bag was attached to the bed. The result was that the surgically inserted tube was wrenched out and ended up in a bloody mess on the floor. I think Dzid about died when she saw that. That was in the evening. Frantic calls to the doctor at home to inform her. She was not helpful. So, we were in a panic. Next morning, I guess she had had second thoughts and had checked and decided that the situation was drastic. Problem was that there was a chance that they would not be able to reinsert the tubes, etc., etc. In the meantime, bile is draining into wherever… Somehow, they managed to reinsert the tube, we have to believe correctly. Still, it was a huge setback, with more infection, weakness, drugs and just plain time to recover. An extra two weeks of lying on her back, too weak to do anything at all. Bed sores, raw bits on her body, disorientation, deterioration of all functions. On Friday 25th, she finally went into another section of the hospital where they try to rehabilitate the person with physiotherapy and such. It is now the weekend and, of course, there is no treatment available till Monday. And so it goes. Dzid has got her doing some strengthening exercises, so maybe it will all work out. She wants to come home, but until she is strong enough for one person to be able to handle her, she will have to stay there. And there is much more to tell, all about the general lack of attention (and I don’t mean that the daughters are complaining that the mother does not get enough care). The surgical ward doctors were ready to send her home. The geriatric care people took one look and said “Are they crazy? There is no way this person can go home!” etc.etc. I was relieved. They promised to get her to the stage where one person could handle her, since that is what we need when the Home Care ladies come to do their bit.
The geriatric care people talk well and have all the right intentions, but they also do not have much staff and their capabilities are severely limited. Dzid watched today at lunch (she is really not supposed to be there, but by pleading Australian-type long distances, some translation — people who have no other than their own language never think that their vocabulary might not be understood, e.g.. “stool”! What an unlikely word! Or “I will give you a poke now”, where “poke” is supposed to mean a “needle”, and so on and so forth, I could make an endless list. Anyway, back to Dzid at lunch, where she was helping mum to eat, she watched as another patient who had a disabled hand was given a half banana, sliced in half but not peeled. He tried with his one good hand to peel the banana without success. He tossed it and it ended up on the floor, where it still was when Dzid showed me where the communal dining room was today (in preparation for her leaving soon). So, things are progressing slowly, but painfully.
5.9.00 [Inese to Dzidra] It was a long weekend, with Monday a holiday. So, of course, there was no physio for mum for three days. However, I fed her vitamins and took her outside in the wheelchair. We are now doing that every day and she likes it. I think the doctor cut back on the pills as we had discussed, and I think that that has helped. Mum does not complain of the cold and cramps the way she did before. They say that a typical stay in that unit is 4 weeks. So, I guess there is time for her to get stronger, and I’m sure she will.
4.10.00 [Inese’s diary] I took cake with candle to mum’s lunch table (she there sitting next to John Snow) — was told that could not have candle in hospital because of smoke emissions, had to remove it.c
10.10.00 [Inese’s diary] John Snow has been discharged & taken to [a Seniors’] Lodge — he didn’t or didn’t get a chance to say goodbye — I think Mum is hurt: “Viss tiek atņemts — tas jau man ir daudz mācīts…” Then re her friendship: “Ka kaut kas tāds man vēl var notikt, manos gados, tas jau neticams… ” & she mentioned that they held hands & patted each other… Why is all this so hard!
10.10.00 [Inese to Janis] Not much new to tell. Mum is still in hospital and they now think she should go into a nursing home. She, of course, does not want to go. I am not sure, but think that maybe she would be better cared for there, physically at least, than here. The stairs here are a problem. She came home for an overnight stay on September 25, and it wasn’t easy, even though I did not try to take her upstairs. All this is so bloody hard on both of us. And I don’t really know what to do. And it is hard for me around the house here. Everything about the place is geared toward helping her. And now it can’t help her. It tears me apart.
Mum turned 94 last Wednesday and I brought in a cake for her table to share. That was OK. But today, I learned that her table companion, who had become a really close buddy for her in hospital, has been discharged and taken to a seniors’ home. He was someone I had met some years ago when I ran the gallery. We gave him a retrospective show. He is a well-known painter and thought that he and mum were “one of a kind”. It is too bad. She will miss him terribly. And, as is always the case when there is too much to cope with, it is crazy time at work as well. […] Sorry about all the doom and gloom. But that’s how it is. I have to struggle quite hard not to get done in by it all. Since I can’t think of anything cheery, I’ll quit.
24.10.00 [Inese to Dzidra] Just found your e-mail. Don’t have much time to write. So, you are the owner of an iMac. I am green with envy. Last week I visited 11 nursing homes. Some are more lavish than others. They are mostly very similar to the set-up at the hospital. Similar rooms, beds, dining area, physio/exercise areas, tub rooms, etc. Some more private belongings in the rooms. And more social activities and outings, as well as visitors at any time, including for meals, etc. I have come up with a priority list. I now have to discuss it with the placement person at the hospital. I will try to set a meeting with her to have a better chance at getting more complete information than over the phone. It has all been quite hard.
Mum is doing fine. She is comfortable, is more or less her old self. Gets frustrated at getting into a mess at food time. That should hopefully improve at the nursing home, since they do generally have provisions for people to attend to those who need help with eating (a lot are in much worse shape than mum, including every version of dementia, though those are usually, though not always, segregated from the rest).
Some aide called Lorenzo has been taking mum for a walk up and down the corridors most weekdays. I have not met him, but mum has latched on to him and he tells her that she is improving, etc. The other day, mum said that John Snow had slipped out of her mind of “important” people and had been replaced by Lorenzo, because he helps her. So, I guess that is survival mode in action.
Today, she had an ultrasound. I went to ask what that was about. Apparently the doctor wanted to check whether all was well with her draining apparatus, as the bile fluids had decreased somewhat. According to the book of notes the nurse checked, all was fine. And mum certainly does not have any pain or other discomfort.
We had not spoken of the nursing home move since the day it was explained to her. I had not had the courage to bring up the subject. Then, today, she asked how long it would go on “this way” (i.e. current situation). I gulped and said that until she was taken to the nursing home, and she added “when there is space available”, and I sighed with relief, because I was afraid that she had forgotten and I would have to go through it all again. I assured her that there she would have people who would not be changing all the time, who would know what she needed and that she would have more help with things like eating, etc. She was cheerful enough and I was weak with relief.
At home, I am eating my way through all the accumulated food in the house: The stuff in the freezer, most of it for mum’s lunches and to give variety to her meals, from chicken to sausages, to pork and minced meat, corn, cheeses and strawberries, buns and bread. The canned goods, including lots of fish (I have not yet tackled those). And the Asian stuff, much of it too strange or too hot for mum. I have not got very far with this project, but I have bought very little in the way of groceries in the last few weeks. Somewhere in the back of my head, in an almost unconscious place, is the notion that a lot of all that was accumulated in an effort to sustain, to keep life going, to ward off the end. Now, there is an element in the depleting of the stock of “you can’t keep it going for ever, things do end, there is no fortification mighty enough”.
5.11.00 [Inese to Dzidra] Calm after the storm. I’ve just come back from visiting mum this morning. We had a snow storm last night. Not that much snow, but lots of wind and cold. This morning it is still cold, but the sun came out and we managed some time outside — a walk along the paths, with me hanging on to one arm and her using the cane in the other. It is how Lorenzo has been walking her and she is doing quite well. We also sat in the sun for a bit (mum bundled in blankets, etc.) It was quite lovely. All this week I have been bringing her bits of a rye bread that I baked (part of my campaign to use up all the stored stuff). She, of course loves the bread. Also some pear slices to keep the system moving!
For about 10 days now her draining system has not been draining anything. They gave her a very thorough ultrasound, but could not tell enough from that as to what exactly is happening. They think that the stone may have shifted and that the fluids are draining normally. However, on Tuesday, she will be taken to the Foothills hospital (that is the one on the hill on the way out of town towards Banff) for further tests at 7 in the morning. They have asked that I meet her there. They will do tube the through the mouth and stomach version to see if in fact the draining is normal, in which case her draining tube will be removed. If there is still some blockage problem, they would reinsert her draining tube in a slightly different position. In the meantime, she is comfortable, gets on well with everyone, charms them all, and yesterday said that she had woken up feeling “good and happy”.
She is also booked for the cataract operation on November 20. She has to go in for more tests on Nov 17, and then also on Nov 21 the day after the operation. Then in 2 weeks and again in 8 weeks after. So, hopefully it will do some good. That would be fantastic — even to see a bit more to cope better with eating, etc., and maybe even enough to let her participate in the world a bit more.
Last weekend I had a terrible time. On Friday, when I got home, there was a message on my machine that mum was being offered a bed at the Scottish, the closest nursing home. They said I should make arrangements to visit the place at the weekend (I had seen it before, but they probably didn’t make the connection). So, I called. The administrators, of course, had gone home by then, but whoever answered the phone said they would call the manager at home and have her phone me. So, she did call. She explained that the bed was on the 3rd floor, which is the dementia section, that there were a couple of disruptive residents there who were going to be moved out… I asked how long that would take — probably a couple of weeks! I was devastated by it all. The 3rd floor was the floor she did not show me on my visit because I might find it “disturbing and depressing”! And now, mum was supposed to land there! And there was no-one I could talk to at the hospital, since it was Friday night + weekend.
So, I arranged to see the place on Saturday at 10 am. In my list of preferences, the Scottish was number 10 out of the 11 I had seen. It is the closest, but that’s about all. The 3rd floor is a locked floor. Half the dementia folk were still sitting around waiting in the dining area; it must have been a couple of hours since breakfast! I was truly depressed. I thought, yes, one is supposed to take the first available bed, but not without some consideration for emotional and mental well-being. If I was going to be depressed by the 3rd floor, then mum would be doubly so. And I guess they would not put her in a room shared by a man, so the “first” bed is not an absolute. They told me that mum could move in next day (Sunday) if she wanted to! I said no way — I would sort it all out on Monday morning with the hospital, doctor, home manager, transition people and whomever else.
It was a horrible, agonizing weekend. I guess Nelson mentioned it to Pat Colwell (she works at a store where Nelson goes to meet a friend for coffee on Saturday mornings). She called me and invited me to dinner. She also told me that when one of her sons was in a bad car accident, and ended up in a coma, the hospital wanted to put him in some soundproofed area where brain-surgery people were put. Pat objected and demanded a room with natural light and music, and eventually they got her what she wanted. And they later said that it had probably helped the recovery.
Anyway, on Monday morning, I called the transition person at the hospital to say I needed to see her. I went in and met with her and the social worker who had originally made the arrangements for mum to go into the nursing home system. I pled my case as eloquently as I could, saying that I did not think that this was an appropriate next step. I even said that she would certainly have preferred landing in a room with a man! — which cracked them up. I also said that there was still the question of the non-draining tube, and if it was to come out, I thought it should be done at the hospital, before sending her to a nursing home. They agreed. Well, they went off to make phone calls and to confer. They came back and said that they were in complete agreement with me that it was not suitable. Whew!! I think I danced out of there! Apparently, they do not make the actual choice of place. The info gets sent out to the various homes and the ones with beds make the offer directly to me.
So, all that is now on hold. What may happen, if all goes well, is that she gets transferred to the place of choice, without having to go to some interim one first. That would be a blessing. So, I am keeping my fingers crossed, and in the meantime, all is calm and well and familiar.
6.11.00 [Dzidra to Inese] Wow! It must be awful — all that nursing home stuff. But really, (and I don’t think we are very good at it) hang out for what you want. You have a good teacher in Nelson… remember him at the airport in Frankfurt. Simply refuse to take some think if you don’t like it, and stand your ground and leave the agonising up to them. I know it sounds “easy to say it” type of thing, but you can always ask… ie that she not be put in that room… We really are so bad at it, so authority bound, and we bleed with the stress of it, while others come from that it’s not good enough so they won’t have that thanks very much… What always amazes me is that whereas with Nelson’s background we could sort of “expect” someone like that to behave like he does. But there are people from poor and “lowly” backgrounds who also know how to simply demand quality etc. We seem to be stuck with, “well someone has to take it.”
13.11.00 [Inese to Dzidra] Last Tuesday morning was the test day for mum. I got up at 5 am to be at the hospital by 6.30 — the Peter Lougheed Centre on the other side of town to the Rockyview. Mum arriving by hospital ambulance. I guess it was very early for her, probably nervous, no breakfast and flat on her back, strapped to the stretcher, bumping along in the back of the van. Anyway, she had felt ill on the way, had thrown up a bit and was really cross, when I got to her.
She calmed down and eventually the doctor showed up. Well, it turned out that it would not be just a test. They were going to do “the procedure”, which is to go in through her mouth with the tube, camera at the end, and then, if all was o.k., they would extract the stones. I gulped and said fine. He assured me that they would not proceed if there was any problem in sight. So, about and hour later, mum was back, and the doc was jubilant. The nurse had already said it had gone very well, but I assumed that was just diplomacy. However, the doc was really happy, and even said stuff like “we’re not trying to make ourselves out as heroes, but…” So, I guess it was more than bedside manner polish. They had removed a number of stones and lots of “debris” (by means of some sort of “balloon” deployed at the end of the tube that scoops it out). He told me that they had not touched her pancreas at all, and I knew from her doctor (Ewasechko) that a possible danger was that through rooting around in there, they could infect the pancreas and end up with “pancreatitis”, which given her age, etc., could be as dangerous as the initial gallbladder infection. I asked if he had removed the draining tube. He said “no”, that he would leave that for them to do at the Rockyview.
In the meantime, the nurse putting in the IV in her hand had just finished saying how large and easy to find her veins were, when, of course the vein collapsed, and the fluid came up in a huge purple bubble on the back of her hand. The nurse just about died, and nervously found another vein, further up her arm, put compresses on the hand, etc. Her hand is still totally black and blue, the way it was when you were there. But I don’t think there is any discomfort.
The same ambulance people came to take her back. They had to lie her on her side, so she would not choke if she threw up. She was on her left side and I said that she never sleeps on that side because of pressure on her heart. So, with much effort, we got her onto the stretcher and turned the other way. I beat them back to the Rockyview by quite a while. The paramedics explained that they had made an effort to go via smoother roads. The nurses were there to get her settled in her bed. There was a sort of feeling of homecoming of their charge that was nice. They seemed happy to see her back and to settle her in efficiently. She was groggy from the sedatives and went to sleep. I went to work. It was about 10.30 am.
The next day, she was back to more or less normal, though the sedatives had put a loop in her memory of it all. The draining tube is still in and now has the bag reattached. This weekend is Remembrance Day long weekend, so it will have to be tomorrow that I call her doctor to find out about the tube and when and how it comes out, etc. In the meantime, on Friday, she will go for further tests for her eye surgery. I guess I’ll be driving her there and back. In the meantime, the nursing home transfer is on hold. I do not know for how long, or if I am to pay for these weeks at the hospital, as originally stated.
This past week we had snow that did not melt all week. It got to 20 below a couple of nights, mostly has been -10 in the day and -15 to -18 at night. The Glenmore reservoir has frozen over. I was a bit surprised at that. I assumed it was pretty deep and would take longer than that to freeze. It may not last, this is a bit colder than it is supposed to be and it may all melt still before it refreezes. At the weekend, these three days, I visit mum in the morning and afternoon. In the morning there has been nice warm sun, and we go and sit in it and breathe in the cool air, pick a small twig from the pine trees and sniff it.
Nelson persuaded me to buy a small CD player, one of those flat roundish ones, with earphones. I also went and found some second-hand CDs of Chopin, etc. The last two days, I have left mum with music playing (usually about an hour or so before a meal, so that the nurses can put it away when they come to take her to the dining room). So far, so good. She said she liked it.
[…] Well, enough on the past and its curious resonances in the present. I suppose that if one travelled enough one could have stories about any place ever mentioned. That sounds quite nice to me at the moment, since I still have no idea when, how, if, where I could travel. Still, I want to do a bit more. I think of mum with us from Germany, through Italy, Spain, France, etc., and earlier in England. Since I have no daughters to take on the task, I will have to work hard at this new company of ours that might afford the chance in a different way. If it became successful, there would be money to do some of those things.
Anyway, do not worry. Everything is progressing quite well. It is all a compromise, as our art auctioneer acquaintance pointed out. His mother has been in a nursing home for some time. He also had Home Care before that. He says it is the most difficult and stressful thing one ever does. (He told Nelson that. He asks me how I am doing with an eagle eye to see if my answer is in the “ok” zone.) He has helped with specific info on how the waiting lists work for the homes, etc., and would answer any question I had on any of it. I also met a woman in one of the centres who was there visiting her mother. It was on one of my tours of the nursing homes. She said that it is never what you think it should be, it is always a compromise. But, if you are always there, they know you are there and the care will be a little better, a little better than for those who do not have family watchdogs.
So, enough for now. Hope your Blake dreams come true. You mention other normal, odd dreams. Every so often, I have heavy, complex, detailed dreams. Like last night. There was a full moon, that may have been part of the cause. I was on a complex journey, trying to find a way out of a labyrinthine situation, with a three-or-so year-old child on my back, quite heavy and cumbersome. Could not run when I had to. A previous dream spelled it out, as I carried mum in my arms, the way one carries a child, but she was herself, but in a 4-year old size. I wondered if people would find it odd that this child was so old.
14.11.00 [Dzidra to Inese] Got your email — could hardly read for want of breath the awful stuff of the tests… it sure brought back visions of those early days in hospital…
24.11.00 [Inese to Dzidra] Yes, mum had the tube taken out. It happened with no fanfare. I do not know who did it , but her doctor (Ewasechko) confirmed it when I asked, having discovered it. She said that her dressing would be changed only as needed. I did not check today whether it was still there, but I will.
In the meantime, on Friday, we went to the Gimbel Eye Centre for tests. Some went OK, others were hard and the gal who was to do them had to call in others to help her — in fact to try a different method. I think they were measuring her eyeball (presumably for all the distances and sizes that are involved in figuring out a new lens, which is what the surgery is about.) Mum could not get her chin on the support and her forehead against the strap, as in usual eye exams. So, I had to keep pushing her head in place, which she probably was resisting, and certainly was vocal about saying to stop… It made the nurse-gal very nervous to the point where she quit and asked someone else to take over. It had happened before, with the doctor, on the first visit. They had a hard time getting a good reading. I guess mum does not feel all her bits, and so it is very hard to control them. Then, and more recently, I have got into a total sweat trying to make it all happen. Everything from transferring her from wheelchair to eyedoc-chair, most of which do not adjust to her small size, so that she is supposed to lean forward and place her chin… etc. None of which she can feel any more… all done with the hearing problem, etc.
Still, as we sat in the waiting room on one of these visits, I overheard people in the next set of seats talking about how Dr. Gimbel was the pioneer and still considered the expert in all this, with people coming from all over to study with him, etc. And he is the one who did the surgery. And mum came out of it saying that she “loved the doctor”. As an aside, there was a piece of paper in the package that asked if one wanted the doctor to say a prayer for the patient before the surgery. I decided to cover all bases and signed for it. When I handed over the envelope with that and umpteen other forms to the nurses, they threw out the envelope with the small prayer-request card still in it. I said: “But, but” … and they retrieved it and said something about that that meant that “he would say it aloud” — fine with me, I thought. Later, I heard someone in the waiting room who had just been “done” comment with appreciation that the doctor had “said a prayer for him”.
Then, on Monday (the above was on Friday), it was in for he operation. It all took about 3 hours, though the operation itself took about 20 minutes. In all that floor, from the receptionist’s desk to the nurses desk in the middle of the waiting room to “wherever one looked” (not quite, but that is what it felt like — in other places those spots might be taken up with bouquets of flowers…) there was a small black and white screen showing an eye operation in progress. I had to work hard at avoiding looking at them, since it was early enough in the morning, and involved mum, etc. I could have thrown up very easily. As far as I could tell, the images were of the actual patients. Someone in the waiting room asked if the nurse could tell whose eye it was on the screen, she said no. However, when mum’s turn came, I buried my head in a magazine and then kept looking up at the screen to see, in small spurts. Nothing showed up at all. Then, I got anxious. I thought: She has dropped dead; there is some other problem; there is some disaster; etc., etc. All this in furtive glances, getting a little more frantic as they went. Then, they wheeled her out and assured me that “she had done very well”.
They hooked her up to a blood pressure monitoring machine. At first it was high, then, by the time I chatted with her, it dropped suddenly to OK levels, much faster than other people’s (I interpret that in retrospect, having seen them sit there for quite a while with the gadgets attached).
So, back to the hospital, with instructions for eye drops every half hour. And bless their hearts, (and I suspect it was Laura who mapped it out on a paper towel and the nurses ticked off the half-hours) they did it — and that is quite the assignment (and apart from anti-biotic drops 4 times a day).
The following day, back to the Eye Centre for more checks to see if it was OK. They thought it was.
Somewhere in there, mum said that she was now “back home” as we arrived back at the hospital. It just about did me in. And yet, the nurses do treat her as one of their own. There was and evening where some outside volunteers brought in dogs and cats (“pets”) for everyone to relate to. I happened to arrive at the right time and persuaded mum to stay in the dining area for it. I overheard one of the nurses explain that this lady could not see or hear, but that her progress had been wonderful and that she was very special and that her smile was something else, etc. etc. And the nurse said they would miss her, and I said they could have her. And that is not possible. And there was a message on my phone that she was now again on the waiting list for a nursing home.
And so it goes. I guess we are lucky in getting the eye surgery done while she is still at at the hospital. a few days before it, she had apparently had a fever. Before her fever, she had had a couple of days of diarrhea, mostly, I think because there had been IV before. They had put her on IV with some sort of anti bionics. I don’t know what that was about. Next time I talk to her doc I will find out. But at least, they monitor her quite closely all the time. Some of it if negotiable.
So, to better things. It has taken a couple of days to figure out that perhaps her eyesight may improve. At first she did not see it at all, and then, had trouble because she still gets some 8 or more drops of stuff in her eyes every day. However, she said yesterday that the “white fog” seemed to be gone, and that makes sense, if the cataracts are the white cloudiness. And tonight, we were outside for a bit, went for a short walk, and she maneuvered her stick around the pedals of her wheelchair, by sight. Before, she could not even see the wheelchair. She is not very aware of the changes herself, but is open to the explanations. I suggested for tonight, to try to go to supper without her dark glasses, in the hope that she might see some of the food or at least the plates… We will see, but I do have some hope. Nothing will change the macular degeneration (that leaves her with peripheral vision only), but there is some hope that the rest, in one eye, night be a bit better. The cloudy lens has been replaced with the clear one. For what it is worth. And I have great hopes, as she gets used to it.
There was a message on my machine yesterday that she was now again on the waiting list for a nursing home. So, we are out of safe harbour time once again.
26.11.00 [Inese to Janis] Thanks for your letters. No, I have not been to New Zealand (Dzid has). You say you will have to think about care for your mum and aunt. All I can give as advice is that anything you can see as a future need, do it now. Almost everything for my mum came very nearly too late. Dzid and I had talked about checking out nursing homes a few years ago, then, never did anything about it. But we should have. The trouble is that it is not something pleasant to contemplate, so you avoid it. And you never know till too late the questions to ask. No eye doctor ever suggested that a cataract surgery would benefit mum until now. It makes me cross and fills me with regret. Perhaps she could have seen her music a bit longer and learned some of the pieces by heart. etc. etc. The ingenious book support gadget that Nelson invented was used a couple of times only because her eyesight deteriorated suddenly. Even the wheelchair should have been acquired at least a year earlier, while she was a little stronger and when we could have used it for outings that we avoided because it was too hard. Mind you, it would have been a lot harder to persuade her to use it without your help! And then, when the chair was finally ordered, a mix-up meant that it was in fact not ordered. Another wait of a couple of months, and time and strength run out quite fast. So, anything you can think of, do it now.
29.11.00 Dream last night: A part of a house, with people, etc. Mum there, wanting to go to another part — perhaps a part that was her room. She was independently mobile, but that was precarious, so had to keep an eye on it. She went off. To get where she was going, she had to go outside and then enter the other space. We stayed. Not sure who WE were. Can’t remember what we were doing. Seemed social. Then, suddenly realized that it had been a long time since mum had gone.
Set off in a bit of a panic to check. Went outside and into the other space. It was a room with a number of armchairs (with wooden arms, darkish upholstery, some red some blue, sort of 50s style, and a dark burgundy carpet) and possibly a table or bed. Mum was not there, the place was empty. Retraced steps and spotted her in a narrow triangular-shaped thing (like the protective corners one adds to pictures, etc., for shipping) made of grey weathered board and barbed wire, with straw for a mattress.
It consisted of two triangular sides, weathered boards about a few feet up from the base, then about three strands of barbed wire to finish the triangle. Between these two triangular sides, was the base and the back of the right-angle, made of the same boards. The floor of this open-ended thing was covered with straw, straw that was a bit like dry grass.
She was lying there, completely naked, flat on her back, rigid, with her head in the closed corner, her feet at the open end. Her body was like that of a young girl, but very skinny and white (a little Auschwitzian) — skinny arms at the sides, skinny legs, a little apart, but only enough to square the body shape, small breasts, blond short hair, a boyish thin face and grey-blue eyes. Her eyes were open, but seemed unseeing, body also very stiff and marble-like. It was cold and raining, and I was conscious of the rain falling into her open eyes and alarmed at that.
I was horrified, she must have been there for ages, I thought, maybe she was dead, why was she there, why had she not gone to the room, etc. etc. I saw a bit of movement in her eyes and realized that she was alive. I picked her up. She was the size of about a three-year-old, i.e. about the maximum I could carry in relation to my own body. The front of her body, all stiff, was against mine and it felt cold, her back felt a little warmer. I was hugging her hard to my body, full length, to try to warm her up with my own body heat and bring her back to life. She did revive.
Then, I was holding her so that she was sitting sideways in my arms, with her legs draped over one of my arms. When asked, she confirmed that she needed to go to the toilet. By then, I think that Nelson was there too, and we wondered why on earth she had ended up where she had. It seemed that she had made some sort of specific decision to lie down in that triangular wedge. We were hurrying to get her to a toilet, so that she would not pee all over me. Then we were alone again. We went into a kind of public toilet place. There were a number of toilets, some looked like bidets. None were working. I was looking for ones that had arm-rests to support her — she could not have sat on one without the support. Every time I came to one that had the support, it was inadequate, the toilet part was as long as a bathtub and was full of debris and not working.
Sometime there, I woke up. The dream was so real that every time I tried to close my eyes and get to sleep, it would come back and either try to continue or stay very vivid and scary for me. I had to get up, go downstairs, concentrate on other stuff before being able to go back to bed and blot it out and get back to sleep. It is still utterly vivid in its basic imagery, though not in the details of how one thing led to another.
29.11.00 [Dzidra to Inese] I called Mum this morning, and while she said that her eyes were the same as before, “varbūt dažreiz kaut ko var mazliet redzēt” still she sounded much more together than last time I talked to her. Said she’s in love with Lorenzo, and we both agreed that was great that such things could still be felt. […] Just thinking of Mum again — how good it would be if there were some male in whatever nursing home she ends up in…, Some new Lorenzo to set her (one can’t really say SIGHTS on)… But she also loves Laura, so that’s good. She was conscious that she’s probably not special, that Laura would treat anyone that way, but still, she obviously likes the manner with which she is treated, and that’s great.
30.11.00 [Inese to Dzidra] Today I got a call from another nursing home that has a bed for mum. I am going to see them first thing in the morning. The place is one I have visited and is quite good, though a bit far to drive, especially in the winter (yes we have had some snow in the last few days, though it may yet disappear before more comes later). However, if there is no special problem with the bed offered, I will have to accept. That means that they could move her as soon as tomorrow, but I will ask that it be Saturday on the grounds that I work and it would be too much to do it on Friday.
So, I have felt utterly sick at the thought, because of the Lorenzo attachment. Perhaps you could phone her tomorrow and try to chat with her to help her get over it.
Went to see her tonight. Decided that I had better tell her, so that at least she can say her goodbyes and thankyous or whatever. If I had left it till tomorrow, Lorenzo would be gone, since the physios are not there at the weekend. Mum was very upset and angry and sad, etc. She asked if she would have access to the exercise room (for obvious reasons). I said that there would be an exercise room there, but that she would not be coming to this one. It is all just about inhuman. She then said she would like to still come and spend time at home, not just visit but stay. I had to say that that was not possible, that she needed more care than we could provide. She asked if we could pay the nursing home fee equivalent and add some and have someone else help at home. I said that it would not work because of the stairs, the bathroom upstairs, that she would never be able to come down, or go out, and that it would be too dangerous in case of fire etc. Then, she said, “so I will never again live with you”. AAAAAAARGH! It is all so hard. Do call her if you can.
When I left, the nurse came in to take mum for a bath. At first she did her sarcastic sneer, “I am supposed to go and have a bath!” loud and nasty. I explained to the nurse that she was upset because she has found out that she is to be moved to a nursing home in a day or so. The nurse became quite solicitous and gentle. And mum calmed down a bit and I left them to it. Thank God it is bath night tonight. It at least fills some time for her. Though I suspect she may have a hard night anyway.
2.12.00 [Inese to Dzidra] The deed is done. Mum is at the Mayfair Care Centre. But to back up a little.
Yesterday (Friday) I got up early to go and see the Centre one more time, and to see her room in particular. The place was # 5 on my list of 11 that I had visited, and was one that seemed O.K. and had a good reputation according to a friend and her friend that I ran into as I was leaving it the first time (the friend lives nearby).
Before setting out, as I was having breakfast it suddenly dawned on me why mum had asked if her “green dress” was there. She had once asked for it before, early in her stay at the hospital, and in retrospect, it must have been at the John Snow time. Of course, her dress was not there. And I dismissed it from my mind, until breakfast when I understood that she wanted to look good. It’s not that I’m dumb, it just takes me a bit longer! At the first earlier request, it would have been too hard to deal with (with her tubes and all). Now, it was not. And, since I had got up early, I realized that, if I hurried, I could maybe time it just right to dash in and put on her dress for her before her breakfast time. So, I dashed in to the hospital, got there at 8.30 and she was already in the dining room. However, the young nurse (Cindy?) spotted me and asked “What are you doing here at this time of day!?” I told her that this was probably mum’s last day there and that she wanted to look good and wanted to say her good-byes and thank-yous and that we would only be a couple of minutes. She said “No problem” and later said that she would let everyone else know. So, I raced mum back to her room and put on her dress and the red poncho. Cindy came in and told her that she looked great and took her back for breakfast. I dashed away to a check the nursing home at 8.45 (it is only about a couple of blocks from the hospital) and then dashed on to a meeting with our accountant at 9.15. Made it.
In the evening, when I visited mum, she was in good spirits, had had a good day in her dress, feeling more “civilized”, I guess. I did assure her that she looked good in her pants and jackets, etc. Anyway, her mellow mood soothed my frazzled mind.
In the meantime, I had persuaded all that the transfer to the nursing home should be on Saturday (to give her time to say her farewells), and, after a bit of hesitation, decided that the hospital should take her there and not me — to make it an “official, necessary next step”, instead of me depositing her at a place she would rather not be. I told her I would meet her there when she arrived, transfer all her clothes, etc. She made some comment about “well looked after” (in English, and not directed at me in particular, more at the whole system). She also said that, for the first time she felt a lot healthier that day. And much thanks to you for calling her. I am sure that that made a huge difference. I went home somewhat relieved and did not have any disturbing dreams about her.
This morning, got up relatively early to get to the Mayfair at 9.00 to hang up her clothes, etc. She arrived about 9.30, in the hospital ambulance, was happy enough and happy to see me. The basic interview with the nurse. Then, we went outside for a bit and in a while I left, leaving her with a string within reach to call for assistance. Her room is a lot smaller than the one at the hospital. Her roommate, Margot, is a charming little lady with a charming smile and a wish to “do the right thing”, but who forgets most things very fast and looks confused at all that is happening there. Still, at other moments, she is perfectly rational and present. She pokes around in mum’s cabinet and looks puzzled at the hair brush she does not recognize. Then, later in the day, asks me which is her cupboard, the Right or the Left, because she wants to “do it right”. I tell her and point it all out. She is grateful and flashes her winning smile. Maybe she will remember, maybe not. I suspect not. She is German. At one point this evening, she told me that she had lost a small gold ball, a “Kugel” she said, and proceeded to describe it in German. Since I could understand what she said, I could continue the conversation without a break. In the morning, when mum arrived, this lady’s niece (her only relative) was there. Also a charming woman. She said, in passing, that it had been somehow especially traumatic and frightening for her when her aunt came to the Mayfair, but she said that it was a very good place and that the care was very good. That cheered me up a little.
On the same German theme, this afternoon, there was another little old lady parked outside mum’s door in a wheelchair. (At this place, everyone seems extraordinarily mobile. Some of it seems chaotic, but all the staff are cheerful and all the residents seem somehow active and all over the place. I take it as a good sign.) Anyway, this lady was sitting there proclaiming loud and long and non-ending (mum and I went outside, sat, walked, took vitamins, ate bits of home-baked bread and returned), and she was still at it when we returned, a long, somewhat ranting tale of disaster, I think war disaster, all in German. I did not have time today to listen to it to decipher it. I think the two German ladies are coincidence, but it all adds to the mostly surreal quality of all this. It is a bit like the 19th century or earlier versions of insane asylums, a bit like strange dream sequences, a bit Kafkaesque. And one has to hang onto one’s own sanity and determination to make sure it makes sense in the end. I have made a list of stuff to question and arrange. I also have to provide some sort of dresser-type furniture of a limited size. There is very little room to maneuver at all. I turned the bed around the other way, so that mum could get in from her usual side. I bought a down coverlet that we will try tomorrow, though the room and the whole place are much warmer than the hospital.
The unit she is in is classed as extra care. This means, according to them, that there are extra staff available. It also means that she goes on the second sitting at meals. The first are the more able, who get it over and done with fairly quickly. Her mealtimes are 9, 1 and 6. This evening, I asked her how lunch was, whether anyone had helped her, had cut up her food. She said yes, that they cut it up and then said “vini man baza mute” (they were shoving it into my mouth). AAAAARGH. On one level it is OK. On another, maybe not. Maybe that kind of fine-tuning is not possible. She used to feel humiliated when she knew she was getting into a total mess with food before. Now, this is the possible next step. Help that assumes you are helpless, and so becomes painful. There is so much to sort out. Much for her to fight. Much for me to monitor.
This afternoon, when I went back to visit her at about 4 o’clock, she was sitting in her wheelchair, guess she had been there all afternoon (?) and had the most miserable look on her face. So, there is much ahead, much fine-tuning of requirements and maybe not all of them can be met, since, as they told me at the hospital, the nursing homes do not have the same level of staffing, etc.
I did buy a huge tin of Danish cookies and a card with a very suitable message and delivered it to the hospital today. They were surprised to see me walk in and asked how mum was doing…I said that she was not having any fun yet, but maybe in the future….
By the way, Laura asked about you a few days ago (she was the officious one, but in the end I liked her, mum liked her and she was efficient and even caring as well as officious!), also, someone called Lilian, a small middle-aged nurse (she had been on leave for a while), small round head, short hair, glasses, I think. She especially wanted to be remembered to you.
So, have to quit. Mum’s nurse’s name is Linda (she seems nice, but, as you know, it takes a while for all the information to filter through to all the other workers). Her unit is called Britannia, and her room is 76. I suspect that the room number is enough. The phone number is 403-252-4445. Her room is quite close to the front desk/nurses’ station.
There is a subtle difference when this move is finally made. In the hospital, it was always based on a medical “problem” that was being looked after in whatever way. Now, there is no medical problem. This is it. The last corral. I do not think it is lost on anyone. Still, looking around at that place, there are lots of guys, mostly residents, but some employees. Have even seen, what could be couples, but what might be more likely “friends” sitting close in in the common room. Tough bloody shit1
Tomorrow, I will visit twice. And the rest of the time, I have to rework part of our famous business plan! Yuk! I hope that the two weeks we have scheduled for time off from work at Xmas will actually happen. I need it, rather desperately!)
2.12.00 [Dzidra to Inese] I heave a sigh of compassion… man are you ever being put through it. I do wish I could be there to share the load, and though I know it doesn’t really help you through the nitty gritty dailyness of it, I really thank and love you and so does Mum.
And remember, that one of the things that is true is that she herself was surprised how, even though she had felt attached to John Snow, when he was gone, she didn’t pine for him… I had been discussing the surprising feelings of loss I was feeling towards Misko [left] at the time, and she even suggested that maybe it would be good if I could learn to, while “loving”, not get so attached. To let them go. She will too, with Lorenzo, really she will, simply as a function of short term memory loss.
But it certainly is a sign that she is feeling stronger and better that she is even discussing things like visiting you at home, and being pissed off and narky before the bath etc. And I know it doesn’t make what you are going through any easier.
Dreams are something else again, aren’t they? More than a year ago I think I had a vivid one — and I don’t tend to remember many at all… but it was also about Mum, and she somehow went keeling down some steps — I’ve forgotten it now, but it was agony, and I found her at the bottom, and she was dead, and I carried her too, like a little child, and she was all kind of wrapped in some shroudy almost spiderwebby material. It was shocking because it was so real, and on waking, the grief was so strong that it took time to penetrate that it was only a dream, that it wasn’t true.
If there are no men around the nursing home where she is going, maybe you could just ring the Latvians — or even not Latvians! to see if there are any males that do visits. Say anything — that she has a Grandson she misses, and you thought it would help… Maybe it’s worth asking. If they don’t they don’t. How long would the drive to the new place be? How are her eyes?
7.12.00 [Thank-you card to Lorenzo from Inese on Erna’s behalf] Card’s message: I wish I knew a better way to thank you — I wish there were words that would express just how much all you did meant to me.
Dear Lorenzo, I am writing on behalf of my mother, ERNA DZELME. She wanted me to let you know how much she appreciated your help and kindness to her. As you may know, she moved to the Mayfair Care Centre (#76). She is not having much fun yet! The change is hard, especially after she had got used to everything and everyone at Unit #58. So, greetings to you from her. Inese [Photo: Lorenzo and Erna, final visit]
8. 12. 00 [Dzidra to Inese] I rang Mum a few days ago after she’d moved, and she was determinedly miserable about Lorenzo. She had been seen inspirational about not getting attached when she let John Snow “go” that it really helped me let Misko [right] “go”. (Love ’em and leave ’em!)
Likewise now, I can only hope she doesn’t waste too much time alienating both staff and inmates or whatever the term is, with what sounded like a retrogressive determination to be stuck on Lorenzo, and be faithful to him, and live in that fantasy.
In one way it means she’s mentally back to her old self. In another, that OLD SELF was never that (emotionally) healthy — always preferred to live in fantasies… obsessions of all kinds. With plenty of cost — including on those around her.
So if she is determined to stay on that path… then don’t take it too much to heart. She said something about how remarkable it was to have met such a Lorenzo, and was sure it was unlikely there would be another. But she’s just had the remarkable experience of having 2 attachments in quick succession, if she could only realise that it was letting the first one go that opened her to the next. But on the phone she sounded like she was going to bloody-mindedly hang on to Lorenzo, because there wouldn’t be anyone else. Then, it’s a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I hope she doesn’t make her own or your life, or the other staff’s etc, more miserable over it. If returning to relative health for her means returning to that way of being, and to that identity/ego/stubbornness/fantasy filled stuff with no real wisdom and growth, then love her and leave her to her obsessions as it were.
No one else can make us work through them if we don’t want to… I really thought she was in another level of wisdom — but if it was just the medicine and stress of it all, and now she’s determinedly back to HER normal, then know that she’s choosing that drama… because she needs it!
Sure we wish she’d not had to leave the hospital etc etc… but she could deal with it differently, like we all have to deal with our separations and breakups. She has often clung to some sort of might-have-been fantasy, and allowed it to become very big just because it was thwarted, because that is a familiar and (uncomfortable) comfort zone.
And of course it does bring up the question — well, she WAS living it and loving it in the present while it was allowed her… it wasn’t as if she only invented it after it was no longer available, as some of us do in various ways throughout life.
So it does seem cruel, but we all have had things that were good, and in one way or another, we weren’t allowed to hang on to. And of course, at 94, with so little joy left etc etc… it does seem cruel etc etc… And yet from another point of view, what a gift it was! And she’s never been one to rush into some sort of serene wisdom about things… that hasn’t been her way.
All I can say is that at the time after John Snow left she gave me some serene wisdom type advice, and I took it, and thank god for it. If she’d been carrying on about him like she seemed to be about Lorenzo, then my life of letting Misko go would have been harder. I don’t know how she is bearing up now, maybe my concern is misspent. I just hope that whatever she does with it does not cause you grief. And in the end, I do wish her some serenity… but I’m not sure she wants it.
12.12.00 [Inese to Dzidra] Not much time, but a note to tell you that all is as well as can be expected, I suppose. We have deep-freeze weather since the weekend, with highs close to -20 and lows close to -30. And some snow and icy roads. That makes it all a bit harder. Yesterday, could not go outside with mum, even for a little bit. Too cold. Today, at some -18, it felt positively balmy and we did go out for a bit and walked for a little bit and mum said it was good.
On the Sunday after mum went in, Nelson and I took over mum’s white chest of drawers (the one beside her bed). And Nelson brought her a bunch of flowers. So, she was happy about that, and she recognized her cupboard, which surprised me a little. Yesterday, I hung two of your bigger pictures on the walls (one of the double heads with big eyes, and one of the two gals in water that was over the piano). Mum can’t really see them, but she knows they are there, and I thought they might be good for the nurses. I threw a small left-over Christ picture (left over from the previous occupant, I guess) into the garbage and put your nudes in its place.
Last Friday, took mum for her eye check. There is some very slight improvement. And that is all that can be expected, since she has macular degeneration in the centre of the eye. So, some peripheral improvement. Another check to go to in a month.
In between, she has been very unhappy, because all is new and strange, the nurses are all very “cheery dearie” and do not take a lot of time to listen to any individual little old lady. Lots of the latter are quite out of it, so, I don’t know if they think mum is too or not. She tends to be slow to reply and not very aggressive or loud in her requests. And so she gets passed over in their hurry. I do what I can when I can, but most of it will have to wait for a time when I meet with them in one of their “family” meetings. Have not yet had a chance to find out when and how that happens. Next week, we are off work from the 20th to January 2nd. So, I will have some time to set meetings, etc.
All this is just like starting the whole process all over again, only worse. And mum is more aware of most of it, and it must be depressing for her. Her roommate seems to be very nice, and likes mum, and mum says she has helped her a lot (probably in getting requests heard, etc.). She is mobile with a walker, and a little without. Her memory is going a little, but not a lot. Mum asked if she could sit with her in the dining room. I relayed the request to the folk at the desk. They said they would see what they could do. That was yesterday. Today, she was still in her usual other place. The other lady is a bit chatty. I hope that that does not eventually get on mum’s nerves.
Yesterday, mum said she hates the place. Today, she was in a better mood. She had asked me to write to Lorenzo, and I bought a Thank You card and wrote a note from mum to thank him for his kindness and to tell him where she was. So, now she waits for an answer. Today, she said she wanted to go and visit him some time. I did my best to discourage her, saying that he is there only in work hours, and that in any case, what he did was because of his job and not for some romance. I don’t know if mum caught it all, but she got the general idea, and in any case, probably knows that anyway….
On Saturday evening, I got a call from the nurse at about 7 pm. Mum had been found fallen on the floor in her room, but was ok. I drove in and discovered that she had been trying to get into her bed from her wheelchair. The bed is high, and even if it were not, there is no way she could do it. Made her promise to never try that again. She agreed and was a bit subdued. Blue lump on her head, but otherwise ok.
Then, yesterday, I arrived just as one of the aides was bringing her back from supper. She parked her in the hallway, telling her she could not go into her room. I went up and said, but of course, she is going into her room. The aide explained that it was too dangerous to let her go in because of her fall. I assured her that I had talked to mum and she had agreed not to try anything again. The aide clearly did not believe me. So, now we have another kink in the system that makes it less pleasant for mum. Maybe with more discussion with them all and time it will sort itself out. It makes me sick, almost literally. In fact, I have not managed to shake a cold I had two and a half months ago. Will have to go to the doc on Friday. Hope it is nothing more drastic. And a stomach acid reflux problem did not get cured by the medication that was supposed to do it. So, have to check that too. Could be ulcers or worse or not. I can’t wait for some time off soon. It has all been too much. Don’t worry, if I don’t write all the time. If there is anything drastic or even a bit out of the usual, I will let you know.
16.12.00 [Dzidra to Inese] Thanks for your update — I was a bit worried about what Mum might be doing with the whole Lorenzo bit etc… Sometimes it feels like while you’re going through really tough stuff you can’t write until the worst is over sort of thing, when you can finally take breath, you also can take space to write. So I thought that you must be going through really hard stuff with Mum’s changeover — which you are… and I got extra anxious…
24.12.00 [Inese to Janis] Tomorrow, I pick up mum and bring her home for lunch and dinner. That may or may not be fun. It will be her first trip home since the nursing home admittance. It is all very hard.
This year, we will have a “White Christmas”. The snow has been on the ground for quite a while already. They say it will be a “normal” winter, after mild ones for the last three years. Too bad. We have already had about 10 days of really cold weather, where it was down to -20’s in the day and -30’s at night. Usually, I stay home between Xmas and New Year. This time, I will be driving to see mum once a day. I am not a big fan of driving in the snow and ice. And lately, it has become worse, since everyone now drives an SUV (a Sports Utility Vehicle), most are four-wheel drives, which should be ok, but which makes the owners over-confident. So, there are a lot of accidents because of the car type and the drivers tend to be more aggressive, even if they do not have accidents. It is not much fun to be on the road with them.
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7.1.01 [Inese to Dzidra] I brought mum home before lunch on Xmas Eve and she stayed till dinner. Nelson came for dinner and all was fine, until it was time to take her back around 9, and she wanted to stay the night. But I had signed her out only till the evening, and although I could have phoned them, it would have been too hard to cope at my end. So, over her protests, I did get her bundled up and we headed for the car. Then, she could not manage to walk properly after she got down the stairs outside. I had to sit her down in the snow and dash back in to get Nelson to help hold her up. And so we went back to the Mayfair. It was no fun at all. Next day I went to see her and she seemed to have gotten over it. On New year’s Day, I took her home for lunch and a nap and then back to the Mayfair for dinner. That time it worked fine. She was in a pleasant mood and made no protests and it was OK.
The two weeks I had at home just disappeared. The weather was not too bad, so the drives to see mum were OK. Sometimes it is really cold at that time and I usually don’t stir from the house at all. I had a “to do” list as long as my arm and managed only about half of it. I did not manage to write letters, as I had planned. And now, the next thing I have to do is to add another clause to the Power of Attorney that Biruta’s son has so that they can lease some of the Kikuri land to someone who wants to farm it. So, lawyers, and translations, and mum to lawyers for signatures, and sending the stuff to Ottawa to the Latvian Embassy for ratification, etc., etc., etc. I hate to even think about it, but I can’t leave it too long, because they should have the paper before the spring farming season starts.
15.1.01 [Inese to Dzidra] The unthinkable has happened. Mum fell at the nursing home and broke her hip. I am just back from the hospital (12.15 am). She is in unit 81 room 2, at the Rockyview. The direct phone number to the nurses’ station in that unit is 403-541-3581.
I had taken mum out for a McDonald’s lunch and put her to bed at the nursing home for her nap afterwards at about 1.30. Then, this evening I went to Nelson’s for dinner and came home just after 9. There was a message on my machine that mum had had “a tumble” around 3.30, which must have been when they were getting her up from her nap. A nurse or aide was with her at the time. And I think they said that after 7 they had had her transferred to the hospital, as she was complaining of pain and her leg was swollen. I dashed off and she was still in emergency, but had had her X-rays. I stayed till they found her a bed and installed her. I don’t know exactly what the break is like. I did ask a nurse what the next step is and she said that they would probably try to pin it, i.e. surgery for sure. That brings up all the old concerns re anaesthetic, etc.
Today, was the 13th. And the day that the tube got wrenched out was also the 13th. Mum used to think that 13 was a lucky number for her. I guess that has changed. So, she is now on demerol and I hope that she will sleep well. The nurses who attended to her arrival all seemed really nice and careful and perceptive. I hope tomorrow’s lot will be the same. I sat till she dozed off. So, the going gets tougher — endlessly.
18.1.01 [Inese to Dzidra]. They shipped mum back to the nursing home today. They sure don’t waste any time. I came in to see her in the hospital in the morning and the nurse said they were planning to send her back to the Mayfair in the next couple of days. I pulled a face (and in this unit they were very aware) and she asked if I did not think that was a good idea. I said, how could I in light of what had happened there, and that I had about no confidence in the Mayfair at all.
Anyway, the messages came later (I happened to be out): one from the hospital that they were shipping her back today, probably at 1.30. The other from the Mayfair. I talked to the woman there, who had been told by the hospital that I was nervous about mum going back there. She said they would hire more staff to give her 24 hour individual care from today until at least Monday.
When I got to the Mayfair at 1.30 (the woman was supposed to call me as soon as she knew the time of arrival or as soon as mum arrived, of course she did not) mum was already there and had been fed some lunch. There were aides popping in and out all the time. I guess they are a little nervous too. I left without talking to any administrators. Just could not stomach it. This evening, one of the guys, who is not a “cheery deary type”, had fed her and was washing her down (in bed). He said he was stunned when he heard what had happened and told me he would be looking after her for the next 8 hours, i.e. the night. She seemed comfortable enough.
The following are my notes last night (17.1.01):
Yesterday, they said mum had had some morphine in the night. In the afternoon/evening, she was given 2 units (I think they are like one of those IV bags — at least there was one of those hanging up, dripping blood into her via a machine and the same sort of vein entry as a regular IV). When I came at 5.30, she was cold. I fed her a bit. The nurse (a new one and less giving than the others I had met) said that the cold was probably from the blood which goes in colder than body temperature. Mum felt warmer after I fed her.
Today — morning and evening — she talked nonsense. I presume it was the drugs. She was very chatty. In the morning she said that she had “walked here” — the nurse thought she said she had “worked here” and thought that was not likely, but asked if she had ever worked in a hospital — I told her that in fact she had, in Australia… Anyway, mum thought she had walked there and was not sure how to proceed. The latter is a recurring theme: “What do I have to do next?” or “What is going to happen now?”
Tonight, she had not eaten much. I thought she had eaten nothing and went to get someone to turn her so that she could sit up… Anyway, she seemed quite relaxed and happy. She talked on about us having bought all these houses (I assume she meant our house, the nursing home, the hospital, etc.) and wondered how we could afford to spend all this money staying so long at a hotel (the current hospital).
Then, she said she had decided to “go with the flow” (Kā nu iznāks, tā bus labi) with whatever happens next. I thought that was a brilliant decision and an amazing insight and much comfort for her.” So, that was last night. This morning she was cross and cranky and frustrated at not being able to eat properly. That, I guess is a good thing. But good for what? At the Mayfair, she said something about “back to the same old stuff”.
So, tomorrow, I will try to find the strength to overcome the nausea at the idea (I am so angry that even tonight, I avoided the nurse at the front desk) and face the Mayfair folk and figure out what they should do to make sure she is fine. Tomorrow is Friday and it is my afternoon off. At least let’s hope it works out that way. It doesn’t always.
Anyway, mum is probably as ok as can be expected. I think that the Mayfair is going to try hard to compensate. So, don’t worry. I doubt that you will be able to talk to her for a while. She is in bed most of the time. At the hospital they had her in a chair (but not a wheelchair) for meals — mostly because it is good for her to “get up”. At the Mayfair, when I asked if she had been “up”, he said “no”, but that they would “assess her tomorrow”. In any case, if she is in bed, they cannot make any sudden moves to get her to a phone, and there may be only a few times a day when she will be in her wheelchair.
21.1 01 [Inese to Dzidra] I met with the Head of Nursing at the Mayfair and had a longish discussion with her. She told me that they had hired extra staff to give mum 24 hour care until Monday, that is tomorrow. I guess they have not had someone out of that kind of surgery just 4 days later. They had already brought in an orthopedist to give the staff a training session on how to move her from bed to chair, etc. The fall happened because there was a single person getting her out of bed, instead of two. They have “disciplined” that staff member. I repeated all the stuff about no balance and left side weakness, and vision and hearing and on and on. I said that I knew all that had already been said and written into the book. However, they had to make sure that staff read and understood it. I suggested a “white board” for the wall with relevant and changing info on it. They are putting up instructions now. We’ll see about later. I said I would buy a board like that, if it would help. I also said that the “cheery dearie” stuff was not good enough, that they had to LISTEN, and I gave her some examples that I had seen. She did recognize the validity, etc. And I said I knew they had a lot of people to care for and that some requests made no sense, etc. etc. Also told her that mum was a world-renowned writer and a pianist, etc. etc. That did get her attention. (Nelson suggested I say all that kind of stuff. I can’t lay it on as thick as he can, but, I guess, even a little helps.) However, she is also a diplomat, so who knows what will filter through, though she did say that they should call a staff meeting about mum’s care with me there, sometime soon. There is a general team/family meeting set for February 7, but there may be a separate “special needs of the moment” one before that.
Yesterday, mum had a temperature in the afternoon, but today, that seems to be gone. When I saw her at lunch, she was in a different wheelchair, one that could raise her legs up, waiting in the corridor to be taken in to the lunchroom. An aide WAS with her. They have kept watch over her at night and turned and adjusted her every few hours, as needed. She says that she slept ok.
As for the toilet, at the hospital, they sat her on one of those commode frames on wheels that can fit over a toilet. I assume they are doing the same here. And so it goes. I will not write again until after our Wednesday presentation of our new project to potential investors (unless there is another crisis).
I checked on mum again before supper tonight. She was back in bed and comfortable. She has been told that she is strong and she herself believes it. So, maybe it is a matter of time and vigilance. Though, whether she will ever walk again, is in question. And that changes all that we have been doing (me taking her for walks, however short, every day). And therefore, consequences for her constitution, and so on and so forth. This cannot but increase the waning.
30.1.01 [Dzidra to Inese] Yesterday I rang Mum, and has she told you about the nightmares? She sounded quite frightened — like she sort of “knows” they are from the drugs, but what frightened her I think is of being able to be quite sure what was real and what wasn’t. When you think about it, without sight and hearing and movement etc, “reality” must be pretty vague and formless most of the time, whereas the images in the nightmares must end up being more vivid than reality… And she also said that if she mentioned pain, the nurses dose her up more, and then come the nightmares. Choice: pain, or nightmares. Wonder if they are aware of that, and whether they can try other drugs… —— I just talked to Talis on the net, and his nurse girlfriend says that if the nurses know that the nightmares area a problem, then they can usually work out a drug mix etc that does not produce those side effects. I don’t know if Mum has let them know, but she shouldn’t have to suffer them to be pain free, so Narelle says.
31.1.01 [Dzidra to Inese] Wondering how things are with Mum’s “murgi”? Just am not sure whether she’s said anything to anyone or has been suffering in silence.
31.1.01 [Inese to Dzidra] Don’t panic too much about the drugs for mum. I had a long conversation with her yesterday. She is OK. The drugs are a nuisance, but they are no different than at the hospital, and they will pass. The problem is that she is on antibiotics at the moment. She has a urinary tract infection — “something that happens”, according to them, when you have had a catheter, as she did when she was in hospital for the surgery. So, we wait. I had already mentioned that she was “out of it” because of the antibiotics, and yesterday the attendant said they had changed the version of antibiotics to make it easier.
I also spoke with the head of nursing this morning about not over drugging, etc. The pain killer is Tylenol and she felt that the effects were not likely to be from that and more likely to be from the antibiotic. And her reaction is totally consistent with any time she was on antibiotics in the hospital. So, we agreed that the less drugs the better. With the proviso that they should ask her where it hurts when it hurts. They have been using a lifting frame where she is lifted by her upper arms. She hates it because it really hurts. I told the head woman today that her arms and upper body just are not strong enough to take her weight and that if they had to use this contraption that someone should support her weight. So, tonight, there were new instructions on the list on the wall, in red, that they should use some other contraption that would give her more upper body support.
It is a constant battle. But she is strong. They all are a little amazed. And she herself believes that she is strong. She will definitely get through this. About a week ago she remarked that she was quite delighted that she had discovered that she could live like this too, without going for walks or moving much at all, and reaffirmed that she wanted to live more and more, despite everything.
Today, I had very little time with her as she was due to be taken for dinner in the dining room. I could have gone along, but it is not really useful. But, she said that she had had a good day, and she said that Lorenzo had visited her and had asked her to tell me that he had been there. I am not sure whether it really happened or not. She seemed genuine enough. I don’t know. I guess I could check. I don’t know if I want to.
She had not mentioned him for ages, until after your call. I have tried to tell her that even if she was smitten by him that he does not necessarily share that. She countered with the fact (she had mentioned it before) that the other nurses had referred to them as “boyfriend/girlfriend”. I said that that was probably part of the “cheery dearie” bit that they all go on with. I also said that one is often/sometimes smitten and it is not necessarily returned and that it had happened to me in Montreal (it was returned to some extent, but not enough). And so on. Anyway, if there is any way to steer her away from the Lorenzo idea, I think it would be a good thing. Yes, there is an element of keeping her alive, but she has to re-find that element somewhere else. Otherwise she is quite unhappy and distraught that “it has all been taken away from her” by others and that she is helpless and can do nothing about it, which she finds quite depressing. Especially, if that is true in the emotional sphere as well as the physical and intellectual spheres that she has already partially conceded.
1.2.01 [Inese to Dzidra] Well, it seems that Lorenzo did in fact visit. Today, I came a little early and the new nurse/aide (who is trying to find out what is what) asked in a “cheery ” voice whether I knew that Lorenzo had visited yesterday. I was taken off guard and said “yes”, and that it had been a “big deal” for mum. To that she countered that it had been a “big deal” for him too. So, I do not know what to think. And then she said that she had teased mum about “the young man” visiting her… As I was saying that to mum, since none of them can ever say it so that she can hear and understand, the nurse said that “No, no, I teased her All Evening!” How does one survive this?
Today, mum was in good shape. She had been given a bath by someone who worked slowly and methodically (mum’s description). Mum was happy with that. I took her outside for the first time since the break. It has been uncommonly warm for the past month, today at +10. It is too early to try to walk, but at least she can breathe in a bit of fresh air and not feel so confined.
Tomorrow, we arrive with lawyer to have her sign Powers of Attorney for Biruta’s son to lease out parts of the land, and to me to deal with her affairs. I have an old one, never used, from Neimanis, but, now they require a more recent one.
2.2.01 [Dzidra to Inese] Just to say Lorenzo did not come up in my conversation with Mum at all, so wherever she got that from — either dream or day dream, was her own. And there’s no way I would mention him for all those logical reasons — and I think it’s unlikely that he did visit — which may mean a dream, but may also mean that she what she fears — no longer knowing what is real and what isn’t — is happening… for drug reasons, or just…
4.2.01 [Dzidra to Inese] [Learned from staff at Mayfair that Lorenzo had in fact visited Erna] Ha! Well we can all be blowed!!! What can we say!!!! I’m laughing and speechless all at once! I thought — it’s the drugs, it’s all too much etc etc… I’m curious — but then there she is — a cutie… and I’m sure he was fond of her. Still, I’m surprised — in his job… that’s quite amazing. I’m still laughing.
11.2.01 [Inese to Janis] Our winter so far, which may be about to end, has been incredibly warm — above zero almost every day. […] I am glad that so far we are OK because I am on the road every day to visit my mum.
11.2.01 [Inese to Dzidra] It is Sunday, February 11. The following are bits about the past week. I had written up the Monday event that night, but then somehow lost the file. Just this very minute I found it again! So, I will substitute it for the bit I had tried to reconstruct. Monday, Feb. 5 Today I went to see mum after work at about 5.30. As I came down the corridor, an aide I had not seen before wheeled her out into the corridor (they do that before meals, supper at 6, lining them up to be wheeled in one by one into the dining room). She said that she had no pants/trousers on (her legs were covered with the little red blanket — ok on top, but underneath it is all bare and legs are on the metal supports of the wheelchair). I was cross and said “Why are you telling me, why did you not tell Them!”. She replied, “I did tell Them.” So, I wheeled her back into the room, cursing as we went. I pulled out a pair of long pants and put them on her as far as I dared, i.e. to her hip level, since I did not dare to move her in any way. Then, I thought this is not good enough, and went in search of help. There was a nurse in the hall dispensing medications. She said she would find someone to help. So, a bit later, she came in with the same aide who had been there first. I overheard the aide mumbling something and the nurse saying “It is family here, her daughter is here”, which subdued the aide and they got mum up and I volunteered to pull up her pants all the way. By then, too much time had been taken up by this exercise to leave time to take mum outside for a breath of fresh air. Today, it would have been short, as the cold has returned to some degree and so has the snow. Anyway, I fume and despair and am overcome with a sick kind of wonder at the numbers of variations that they can think of to create glitches. Just when you think you have covered all bases, they come up with a new variation that does not make sense. I assume they thought that it would be easier, since she would be going to bed soon after supper. In that case, why bother at all, leave her in bed all day, since that is where she will end up later….!!!! On Wednesday morning, we will have the first staff/family meeting. I guess I will have to be really vigilant.
In the meantime, she is doing quite well. Saw where her stitches had been (since she had no pants on). They are along her thigh, below the hip. At the hospital they had referred to the “big bone” to explain pain. So, maybe that is better than the intricate mechanisms of the hip itself. And when the two got her up, they held her, but her both feet were on the ground and they had the walker in front of her. I assume that she may be already able to take a little weight on her leg. I will find out on Wednesday. I do not know what they have done about the antibiotics, but she has been wholly there since I last questioned it. Yesterday she wanted a pain-killer, today not. She certainly will survive this.
Last Thursday I took the lawyer to see her to sign the Power of Attorney papers for Janis Birnitis to lease the land, etc. All that went well enough. Her signing is pretty erratic, but, since it is duly witnessed, it is OK. Now all that (with Latvian translation) goes to the embassy in Ottawa for ratification. Then, I will send it to Biruta. All this takes a fair amount of energy and will. Wednesday, Feb 7. The famous meeting between the nursing home “team” and family (me) at 9.00 am. So, there were some 6 people there. Of them I had dealt with one before (nurse) and probably only the physio had had much direct contact with mum. All that dawned on me later. Anyway, they each gave their short reports on mum’s progress and I gave such insights as I could that might help them. The physio was very Anglo, with what seemed like no concept of other languages. She said something about not having much success in some of the exercises because mum could not understand what she was being told to do. So, I jumped in and explained her deafness and that certain sound she would never be able to hear, so repeating a single word with those sounds in it would never work, even if it was repeated for days, no matter how loudly. I do not understand why I always have to explain this to them. They would have to rephrase and expand and put into context. It is a known problem and utterly common. What do they get for training in dealing with the elderly, if they don’t know that? I also pointed out that there are phrases or words that are slangy or idiomatic that mum (or anyone else who grew up with some other language) may not know. e.g. The example from the hospital (but I know they say the same at the nursing home) about saying “I will now give you a little poke” — what the hell is a “poke” when you mean a “needle”? etc. etc. Most of them got it. But again, they looked as if they had never thought of the idea, and most probably hadn’t, that you may need to vary and rephrase. The possible exception was the nutritionist, who was obviously French, though she looked a little startled when I said that I could hear that she was someone who had more than English. And so on and so forth. We went over most of the necessary stuff. I also gave them a copy of Artava, which duly impressed them, and talked about the piano, etc., etc. It was Nelson’s idea that I should do that. He IS good at that stuff. They seemed happy to get my input and all seemed genuinely concerned and willing to make it better. It was not till later that I realized, on thinking back, that they probably do not have that much direct contact, that it is the Filipinas who do all the grunt work and I am not sure how much of all the information filters down to them. So, in a way, I am ending up feeling that it was largely a waste of time. And it turns out (which I did not know) that this kind of meeting is an annual (!) event. So, I will have to chase individual people and harass them separately. Thursday, Feb. 8 As I arrived in the evening, mum was wheeled back from supper. The first thing she said was that she was starving! That she had not managed to get almost anything to eat! AAAAARGH. I fed her bread and fruit and cookies and chocolate, as well as her daily dose of vitamins. Friday, Feb. 9 Sitting out in the hall, cold. She is now complaining of the cold in the same way as she was at the hospital when you were still here. As far as I can figure it out, it is because she lost a lot of blood in the operation. They did give her some afterwards, but at the meeting, they told me that she had been put on iron supplements, because blood count was still low and that it would take quite a while for it to build up again. Before the fall, she had not complained about the cold almost at all at the Mayfair. So, this is not much fun.
Yesterday (Saturday) and today, I asked for hot packs and put them on her aching left knee. They help, like the warm blankets used to at the hospital. I spent some time at the meeting filling them in on her pains from cold — they had noticed that she was saying that her knee, versus her hip, was hurting. The idea is not to fill her with Tylenol when a warm pack will solve it. However, the problem is that she has to be able to get their attention and ask for it. This is so hard and so inhuman.
13.2.01 [Dzidra to Inese] I re read your letter and again stiffen with rage and wide eyed despair and write this through tears… One of the things is — people are stupid. Really — not to put too fine a point on it — sometimes things about the whole Misko [right] thing also used to drive me nuts — people are actually not bright… and in those jaded jobs of being aides… when they are making mistakes, or being careless, or having something else on their minds, or just NOT THINKING… or stuck as you describe in their Anglo-ness… their patients are dehumanised, objectified… I mean treated as such, while they ARE NOT for one second non human.
And all those officials “doing their jobs” even earnestly at the “family meeting” — ANNUAL!!! — and as you say — it’s the Filipinos who will have the actual dealings — and I saw a couple of them in their automaton performances at the hospital… And the endless turnover of people — so that Mum has to incur the thoughtlessness of yet another, and another… And my mind raced on knowing that this was not the nursing home of your first choice — and then it raced further to know that they will all be much the same. Any “human” aide, or one who cares… more… will be — a matter of chance, a lucky break, a miracle. And I KNOW that people WILL switch off to survive — to protect themselves — to not feel, to not get attached, not care too much…
The food thing — her not getting fed properly is fucking disgusting, especially if she’s needing to build up iron etc. O lord. Wonder what the Lorenzo visit was… I mean that must be a job where they can’t emotionally afford to get attached.
11.3.01 [Inese to Dzidra] I should write you a proper letter, but I do not have the required mental stamina. So, a short note only. Mum is more or less OK. I took her for Xrays and bone scans last week. Do not know the results yet. I had asked that a doctor see her before that. I waited for him to show up, and then had to leave before he came. He phoned me at home late that evening to say that he had ordered the tests. The reason for all that is the pain in her leg. The kind of pain she had before the break. I assume it is something like arthritis, but I wanted them to figure it out. The pain was getting a lot worse and heat was no longer enough to make it go away. So, they put her on stronger pain killers. I think they are working OK. They also give her a hot pack in the morning, at my suggestion. I bought and installed a white board on her wall to write info on. Some of them read it, others don’t. Anyway, in the past week she has had much less pain and is feeling a bit better because of it. It is all such a constant battle.
Today, for the first time since the break, I took her to McDonald’s for lunch. It was an effort, as I have to heave her from the chair to the car and back again. She cannot stand at all. Anyhow, it was a warmish day and, with much sweat on my brow, we managed it and she enjoyed the outing.
18.3.01 [Inese to Janis] Sorry to hear about your mum getting weaker. Yes, that is what happens. And it sometimes happens rather quickly. I don’t know what your options are for her care, whether home care, as we had here when you visited. or more “complete” (those are my cynical quotation marks) care in a nursing home. It is very hard. And if you visit all kinds of institutions as I did, it may not help. One doesn’t know what questioned to ask. Most of the places seem adequate and the people tell you their best. However, questions as to how she will be handled (literally), how often anyone will check, will they listen, will she be able to call for help, when will a doctor come, how often will they toilet her, what do they for incontinence in terms of skin care, will she have help to eat, what happens in terms of movement (here, they say they only do “maintenance” physio, not anything to actually help counter the effects of time or injury), what, if any, are the efforts to keep a person sane, interested and mentally alive (yes, they organize shopping outings and sing-alongs for those capable of that), etc., etc., are the ones one does not know to ask or does not know how to assess by just looking at a facility. The PR people are all very cheery and positive. [Copy of Feb 7. report on annual Mayfair administrative staff meeting with Inese to assess Erna’s “needs” etc.]
And, it proved true. Most of the “lesser” did not know about specific instructions, not then, not later. And the result was always painful for mum and sometimes got me into screaming matches with staff. I even bought and installed a white board in her room with instructions. Some read it, other didn’t. It is frustrating to me. It is horrendous for mum. I have not yet figured out a solution, but I keep trying, saying, asking, all the time. And someone, on one of my exploratory visits to nursing homes, who had a mother there, said that the care is not what you would think was good, and that it is a compromise, and that it does help to be there day after day and to ask and question and demand.
25.3.01 [Inese to Dzidra] I will try to catch-up with all the past two months of info on mum. May not get through it all. For the past week, mum has had little pain. do not know what is different. Mentioned it to Linda today (have not seen her for over a week) and she said they were not doing anything different. So, I suggested that maybe it was not using the lift machine. It probably was too hard on her pelvis and hips to hang from it. Her scans and x-rays are done and there is not anything specific that is wrong. She has arthritis in her hip and right shoulder (she has not mentioned the shoulder) and has Paget’s disease in her pelvis. That was mentioned as likely by a doctor about 6 years ago. Mum did not want to go for any tests then. In any case, they can’t do anything about it. It is a thinning and then thickening of bones, which nevertheless become brittle. The current doc said that the arthritis could give her the kind of pain she has had, mainly in the thigh to knee. I looked up Paget’s and it also mentioned a possibility of pain in the leg.
Today, we went out to our hamburger lunch again. Just before we left, they took mum to the toilet. I guess she had hard shit, the kind you dealt with at the hospital, and I assume they were digging it out, etc. Mum was crying out in pain, and said later that they had ripped her bottom to bits. So, she was not very happy.
27.3.01 [Inese to Dzidra] So, here is the first instalment of the catching up notes: January 22. Mum was in bed (just a week after her fracture) and she said that she was glad to know that you could still go on living like that, without walking, etc., that probably all the writers and musicians had ended up like that too. She said she felt no pain today, though her eyes were a bit wild, probably from the drugs. Friday, February 16. Yesterday, mum was in pain from a failed attempt at a catheter insertion for a urine sample. Today, I had the day off. Didn’t sleep well. Decided to go in early, after 10 am to suggest the commode as a way to get the urine sample. They had already tried it in the morning and she had shit in it. I talked to Linda (the main nurse). She said she was upset with yesterday’s events (she had been away). She agreed to commode versus catheter. We got mum onto the commode. She was uncomfortable sitting on it. I tried to adjust her sever times, but it didn’t help much. She sat there for an hour or so, covered in blankets. I wheeled her over to the sink, ran the tap, put her hand under the running tap, tried to feed her glasses of juice and water. Nothing worked and she got worn out. The gals put her to bed for a bit before lunch. Poo and no sample. Defeat. Saturday, February 17. Had a blow-up with the same aide (nurse?) who put mum out in the hall with no pants on before. She comes on very defensive, frustrated, etc. (“What else am I supposed to do?” ) I had said that mum needed a hot pack because she had pain, probably from cold. It was not a criticism of what the aide had done, it just was not enough to solve the problem. Yes, she had put on leg warmers (a first) and the blanket. The aide did not know about the hot pack as a solution. I was frustrated because I had said all that at our famous “family” meeting and told her that all that had been discussed, but had obviously not filtered down to this level. By that time, the aide was accusing me of shouting at her (I was not, though pretty soon I was) and she was saying “you don’t appreciate what we do”, and so it went. She dashed into the room to point at the whiteboard (the one I installed yesterday and where I wrote the instructions about putting a blanket on mum’s knees when she was in the wheelchair) and shout that she had done what it said (at least it worked! and she actually read it!). I told her that I had installed the board and written on it and would write more detailed instructions about hot packs etc. Anyway, she stomped off and I dissolved in tears, to be comforted by a couple of Filipinas, who kept saying “Sorry, sorry”. After all that was over, I had to resort to getting Tylenol from a nurse, after a “warm”, not “hot” pack didn’t quite do it… Monday, February 19. Linda, the head nurse, came to mum’s room when I was there and said that Liz had decided that she would not be taking care of mum any more. I asked who Liz was. “She’s the one you yelled at on Saturday, she’s one of our best staff.” I pointed that she was also the one who had left mum in the hall with no pants on. Linda said that was before they knew about her leg aching. I was not quick enough to ask why they would put anyone in the hall with no pants on. She said that Liz had asked mum 3 times if she was in pain (I do not believe that one) and that she had done everything she was suppose to do, adding that she thought “an apology might be in order”. I was stunned. I thought about it quite a bit. Thought about all kinds of things to say, both angry ones and conciliatory ones. In the end, some days later, I finally decided not to say anything at all. I was not going to apologize, I knew that Linda had to defend her staff, but she might have at least asked for my side of it. Nelson pointed out that they seemed to be forgetting who was the client. And so, Liz does not deal with mum, and I am just as happy about that, because she is very touchy and rather insensitive, I think. Well, that is all I can manage tonight. More later. You said you were worried about me. Don’t be. It is hard, but I’m ok.
28.3.01 [Inese to Dzidra] So, went to see mum tonight. She was sitting in the hall, legs bare, nightie and warm shirt + red blanket. I had a fit again. Aide said that it was because she had no pants to put on. I said “What? There is a cupboard full of pants!” “We thought they were dirty ones.” “There is a plastic bag for the dirty ones!” and so it goes. However, she was not cold. Thank goodness. All this is enough to drive anyone crazy. The other reason she was without pants was that they had given her a laxative in the afternoon, mum said. Then, she could not tell what was happening, though she had suspicions, as her stomach burbled and grumbled. Sure enough, she had filled her pad, etc., with shit. And she felt terrible. This is the first time that that had happened to her. I told her not to worry about it, that it was their job to deal with it, that everyone there wore pads and that this kind of thing must happen often with the laxatives they give…. You can’t win. On Sunday, she was in pain from the consequences of constipation. Today, it is the other end of the spectrum. But it leaves me angry and frustrated nevertheless.
So, next instalment of the past few months. If you can’t stand this, let me know, and I’ll quit. It can’t be any fun for you either, since you can’t do anything at all about it. February 27. Called doc’s office at around 2.30. Closed. Left message that want an appointment for mum, with me present, to try to figure out why her leg aches so much lately. February 28. Called doc’s office again at 9.30. Spoke to woman who said she would check with the doc and get back to me. I called again at about 2.30. Closed again. Left message that I had been phoning for 2 days, etc. Home after work. Message from nurse that doc would be at the Centre between 6 and 7. I got there a little after 6 (heavy traffic because there is a transit strike on). Waited. Informed at 6.30 that doc would be there in 25 minutes. At 7.10, I checked at the desk and was told that he had said he would be there at 7. At 7.30 I left. At 10.30 got a call from the doc. He doesn’t listen much and it’s hard to get a word in edgeways as he talks on. However, he has ordered bone scans and X-rays at the hospital. Thursday, March 1. Visited mum around 4.30. They were getting mum up using the lifter! I stayed outside till they were through and then went in. She was looking ill, with a throw-up pan in her lap! I asked if they were using the lifter, “yes, of course”. I was under the impression that Linda had said they were not using it anymore. Mum was looking and feeling really nauseated. Said she had had her insides turned upside down by the lifter. Then, the pain in her leg. I went to ask for a pain killer and gave it to her and after a while, I left, feeling rotten about it all. Mum seemed pretty poorly. Friday, March 2. 4.30 Mum in hall, no blanket. Mum was OK, but her blanket was in the wash bag. I checked, and it had throw-up all over it. I asked when it had happened. The nurse checked in the log book. She had thrown up at 5.30 and again at 8 last night. Yuk. That is after I left and after she had supper. Nurse tried to speculate that it may have been the Tylenol 3 (the pain killer) I gave her. I said no, that she was nauseated when I arrived, before she got the pills. Today she was better, but weak and a bit out of it. Linda won’t be back on duty all weekend. She’s the only one that can effect change. Drat! Earlier, I got a call that her scans and x-rays would be on Wednesday 7th. Saturday, March 3. 11.45 mum in hall, no blanket, pants with shorter legs, leaving ankles bare (i’ve retired them since), no leggings and pain in her leg. Tuesday, March 6. 5.00 mum in hall, no blanket. All this is maddening. The instructions are written up on the board. It was all discussed at the meeting. I do not know what else one can do. Monday, March 5. Morning. Call from Linda. Mum has “sustained a large skin tear on her left forearm”. Apparently as aides were “turning her”. I can’t believe that all this continues in unbelievable variations! They will torture her to death, bit by bit! Told Linda about use of lifts. She confirmed that they are not supposed to use them. Told her of the throwing up on Thursday. She also thought it might be the drugs. Told her no. The Tylenol was given after she was already nauseated, throw-up dish on her lap, etc. etc… (She has not thrown up in the 16 years she has lived with me, not once.) Linda said she would meet with (check with) the team re not using lifts…When I visited in the evening, she had added a note on the top of the white board: *”NO LIFTS — 2 person transfer only”. That is a relief, though I know that not all of them read the instructions. How do we solve this? At least today (and yesterday at noon) mum was not in pain. So, maybe the medication is working. She was so much happier! We went outside for a bit both days. I was weak with relief… By now, I dread getting a phone call asking for me. I dread visiting the place, expecting some new disaster or just plain negligence and disregard. The tension of expecting the worst (and getting it, as often as not) is awful and no doubt bad for my health. This stress and work stress at the same time are scary, and leave me with no leeway. I can barely hang on. I have no resources left, in terms of energy and emotional resistance, am stretched to the limit. Wednesday, March 7. Got up too early. Couldn’t remember the time of the appointment, as I had left my bit of paper at work, and did not figure it out that I could have called the Mayfair last night to confirm the time…The appointment is at Market Mall, a shopping mall on the west end of town, not at the hospital. Arrived there at 7.30., despite traffic slowed by transit strike. Called the Mayfair at 8. Handibus there picking mum up. The appointment is at 8.45. Before that tore about looking for room #330, no such place. Turns out that it is room #333. Read in the main lobby for a while, thinking I would see the bus arrive. Then, it was getting to appointment time, and I went to 333, waited and waited. When mum finally was brought in by the driver, he said this was the only X-ray room he could find in the building, i.e. no-one had given him the room number… Then, to the scan. No requisition form from the doctor. Then, how to get her onto the scanning platform? Nurse and I struggled (it was the first time I had tried to move her since the break, and I was quite nervous). Nurse was appalled that “they didn’t send someone”. Anyway, we managed it. Then, the next appointment for the x-ray was not till 11.45. Nurse was quite kind in explaining that we were to come back to the same place. She said it would be good if mum had been to pee. I said that I could not see how I could manage to take her to the toilet on my own, but that there was a good chance that she was peeing automatically anyway. So, time to kill, rather a lot. Mum usually naps after breakfast and before getting up again for lunch. But nothing to be done. Mum had not had breakfast, though there were two Ensure cans (meal replacement stuff) in the bag of her wheelchair. So, we went to the mall. Bought her coffee and a cinnamon bun and also fed her vitamins and some strawberries that I had brought. It was OK, and mum enjoyed the idea that she was having breakfast out, though I was terrified the whole time that she would have to go to shit! I had brought an extra blanket from home. It was just as well, as she did not have extra covering for going outside, and the medical building is separate from the mall itself. So, back for more scans, same as before. Then, on to the x-rays. New problem: how to lift her up onto the waist-high table? To get her on, we managed it with the help of two nurses. When it was finished, there was only one thin nurse left, with a “back problem” she informed me, therefore she could not lift anything. No one else around. “So, what are we supposed to do?” She had no answers. In the end, I managed to lift mum off and into the chair, with much sweat and lots of anger. Back to the front desk to ask re handibus arrangements for the return. “We don’t deal with that stuff. Everyone arranges their own transport”, in a pissy voice. I asked to use the phone and called Mayfair. Yes, the bus was supposed to come. It was already 20 minutes late. I had to leave to go to a meeting. Left mum there, to wait. Then, outside, I ran into the driver, who was a bit put out that he would have to go upstairs to get her, but said he would and I left. (I could not have left her in the downstairs lobby, as nobody would have found her and she would have got cold with the drafts of the outside doors constantly opening.) So, that was that adventure. Earlier, I had had a look at her skin wound. It IS large and nasty. Some 6 or more inches in a semicircle just in front of her elbow. March 16. Call from Linda. Mum has another urinary tract infection. Is on antibiotics since last night. Today, has been in pain all day (leg). Asked for a pain killer for her in the evening. Checked with nurse, she has been on “extra strength” not Tylenol 3, which is in the “when needed only” category. She has had pain all this week. Last week was a little better, but not much. Called doc’s office on Tuesday to ask re test results. No info. Called today, doc supposed to call me. No all day. I think this is her third course of antibiotics in two and a half months: 1. the break and surgery 2. urinary tract infection, attributed to catheter at hospital 3. urinary tract infection now — why? — this is not normal. I think they do not take enough care in cleaning her when they toilet her and change her.
So, Dzid, that is the end of my backlogged notes. For a little over a week now, she has had very little pain. The last three days or so, she has again been in the hall with no blanket on her knees, but has not been cold and has not had pain. So, yesterday, I cleaned off the instructions on the board and wrote a new, shorter summary. I think I have to change them from time to time, so that they notice. My theory re the pain is still that the lifting was partly responsible. I hope that is true and that she can be easier now. It is such a relief each time she says she is has no pain. Perhaps things will finally improve.
29.3.01 [Inese to Dzidra] Sorry about all the doom and gloom. In between, sometimes there are kinder bits. Today, I left work early (partly because I had been up at some ungodly hour to attend a “breakfast meeting” at 7.00. So, I saw mum before her supper. She was in the hall, no blanket on her knees, but was warm and feeling no pain. She had been given a bath earlier today, and had had no other problems with the shits. So, it was relief all around. And I went home in a sort of cloud of well-being. We may be getting to some OK stage. I hope so. Anyway, today was good. And there are these moments. And I wish they could and would continue. And maybe they might. Lots of love to you. Today was a good day.
13.4.01 [Inese to Janis] I am glad that your mother’s funeral went well. It is a tough thing to do. I will have to ask your advice when my turn comes. I don’t even want to think about it. Your aunt [the mother’s twin sister] must be having a hard time. She will be lonely, I would think. And I can appreciate your odd feelings at being now the eldest in the family, or the head, or whatever, or “the next in line”, which is enough to give anyone a queasy turn. I hope you are doing well, and have lots of support from your family and friends. It is a rite of passage, I suppose. I hope that there are not a lot of regrets in your life regarding your mother. Those would make it harder.
At my end, there have been no disasters with my mum for about two or three weeks. That is new. Perhaps we are entering calmer waters. I hope so. I have been taking her out to a McDonald’s lunch on Sundays. It is a bit hard to move her, as she cannot stand or hold any weight on her legs at all, not because of the break, that is healing ok, though still not finished, but because she has not been doing any standing or walking for 3 months now and I guess, she’s become weak and forgotten how. However, with some effort, we manage it. And it is very good for her to have a little of what seems like “normal” life. When Dzid comes in the summer, we will be able to do a little walking, with both of us hanging on to her. I can’t do it on my own.
17.4.01 [Inese to Dzidra] It does not make much difference to me whether you come in June or July. You have been here in June, and, depending on the weather, some of the hiking trails may not yet be open at the beginning. Mum, of course, has set her heart on June, and all my suggestions that you are really coming in July are met with “no, no that is too long”. So, since you have reserved and all, maybe you should stick with June. I always think that if you come earlier, mum will have longer to wait for the next time. But that may not be true any more. Who knows how long she will last and who knows what the deterioration will be in the meantime. So, maybe earlier is better. Earlier has one other advantage. Right now, I cannot take her for any sort of walk, not even a few steps. She does have some sort of “few steps” physio on Monday and Friday, but that is all. I imagine that between the two of us, we could do a little of that kind of “few steps” daily, and that that may get her strength back a little in her legs. And she dreams of walking again. She sometimes asks me to try to help her, but it is not possible for me to do it on my own. I have no other preferences for your arrival. And, yes, I too would be happy to see you as soon as possible! So come.
Thank you for your assorted Easter wishes. I had great plans to write over the long weekend (we actually took 4 days off, including Easter Monday), but I did nothing at all, except read — did not clean the house, as sort of planned, did not write to you and a bunch of others (including those in Latvia — they are so hard! — and others that I am in debt to for months and months), as sort of planned, etc. I guess time out was what was needed. Except that I feel I need about a year in time out! I did go and cut mum’s hair, and I did manage to catalogue the clothes she has at the Centre — that because some of her clothes have disappeared. They are probably in the wash there, though I am supposed to take care of that (and there are signs on her cupboards that say “Family does the wash” — to no avail, it seems). They may or may not reappear. They are all labeled, so I never thought to note what I had brought there. However, it seems that, even labeled, they go AWOL.
On Saturday, Nelson came to visit her and to accompany her for our lunch outing for hamburgers at A&W. Mum was delighted. On Saturday night, Nelson came to my place for dinner and half-way through the evening I got down to painting one of the two eggs I had boiled earlier. He joined in with the other. So, on Sunday, I told mum all about the whole story that was painted on his egg (from sky and stars to heart-shaped, white clouds, to green earth and seashore and ocean and fish catching a worm — top of egg to bottom). She loved it, and then insisted that we keep the eggs. Did that till the next day, when she and I did the bashing of the fat ends and the thin ends, and mum ate the famous egg, with salt I had in little McDonalds packets… She was happy and thought it was a nice Easter. She had also had some chocolate egg on Sunday that Nelson had bought .
So, for the last about three weeks by now, there has not been any major trauma for mum. Amazing. Perhaps we have moved into calmer waters. She has had much less pain, though not none. And the aides still can’t read the board and put a blanket on her knees. I don’t know how to solve that. I have rewritten the message to make it new and different, but to no avail. In the last few days, she has again had rawness under her breasts. They have put some sort of cream on it. When I discovered it, I put on the white stuff we use (Penaten) and in about two days it is almost solved. I cannot imagine why they do not pay attention to preventing, rather than crisis managing. But that is a whole other topic. There must be a job description for someone (a “consultant” in the new mode?) in there. About 10 days ago, the tin of the cream that had been in her cupboard was missing (I don’t think it is one they use). I reported it and they thought the roommate might have taken it. I said that I did not think so, as I had checked her stuff, and it was not around. (At the family meeting, they had asked about the roommate and were visibly relieved when I said that Margot was a nice lady, that I knew she made off with stuff, that it did not bother me, that I could hunt around and retrieve it, that I knew she liked mum, that it was not a problem. Margot is not a thief, but she is forgetful and often does not know which bits are hers and which are not, as she rearranges them…) So, I had an almost empty tin at home that I emptied and taped a note to, saying that this was what was missing from her room, and left it with the folk at the desk. Have not heard back yet. These are the idiot small things that I get involved in and caught up with. However, that cream is expensive. Right now, we have no leeway in terms of money at all. I want it back. Especially, as it works much better than anything they have.
10.5.01 [Inese to Dzidra] To answer your question re public transport, yes, there is a bus, in fact the main bus here, that goes directly there, or to within about 3-4 blocks of there — you could transfer to another bus for those blocks, if necessary (at no extra cost). It is the number 3 bus that goes along 4th St (the next street from ours) and the bus stop is opposite the Petro-Canada gas station at the corner (and at the station on the way back). To go to mum, it is in the opposite direction from downtown. I had thought that you might take the bus mid to late afternoon, spend some time with mum and then I could join you after work and we could come home together. But all that is to be seen when you get here. Her dinner is scheduled at about 6 pm and she is through about 6.30, which is when I try to get there. After lunch, she usually gets to have a nap (on some days there is some exercise, and I don’t know how the nap fits in then). The nap may last till as late as 4 pm, but does not have to. At some such time, the gals get her up to get ready for dinner. Her lunch session is at 1 pm. So, there is plenty of time for nap and for entertainment before dinner. You could join her for dinner, if you wanted to, or not. Or go for a walk. The nursing home is only a few blocks to the left (if you face the front) of the hospital. It is at the junction of the road that leads in to the lake at Heritage Park. And there are pathways along the lake on that side of the park (the park interrupted the paths from the hospital in that direction). Anyway, we can figure it all out when you get here.
In the meantime, she has been OK for about a week now. She had the rawness under her breasts and there was a bit of a tussle about how to deal with it. However, the doc has seen her, prescribed a cream, and I have agreed to bring in her bras (my conditions were that the bras could be used only when she had healed). So, at the moment, the dust has settled. It never lasts for long, though. I’ll tell you all about it, when you come. She has pain in her leg fairly regularly, but there is not a lot to be done about it, other than to monitor it and make adjustments to medication, if necessary. The white board of instructions is starting to work (i.e. it is becoming interactive, with them and me writing stuff and, when no longer needed, wiping it off). So, lately, there has always been a blanket on her knees, as per instructions. It seems silly, but it is a victory.
I’ll include a section that I wrote about a week ago. The lost stuff has not been “found” and my notices about it have been removed today. But, I will back off for a bit. I have now put up several versions of notices. Maybe it is time to quit. It was clearly staff that ran off with the stuff. But I cannot afford to push it much further. I now use one of the black bags that I have collected from various places (the current one from Bollum Books, the doomed store, where we attended the lavish opening) to carry all the goodies, creams, etc., back and forth. I don’t leave any of it in the drawers any more. I suppose that with all these kinds of adjustments, one can eventually find a way to live with it all. At least, a way to deal with the institutional aspects of it. To deal with mum being there at all, I do not think there is any way to really live with it at all. They were right at the hospital to say that the staffing and care that they could provide was better than what any nursing home could offer. If I had a house that was on only one level, in theory, she could still be here. In the meantime, your house could not work either. I assume that neither one of us could afford to sell and re-buy to solve the problem. And that is never just in terms of money. I guess we will have a lot to talk about. So, here is the other bit: May 2, 2001 About two weeks ago, I emptied a tin of Penaten cream and taped a message to it and left it at the front desk (that, after already telling them a week or more before, that it had gone missing. However, they did not seem to be quite sure as to what it looked like, so the sample.) The message said that a container of cream like this was missing from Erna’s room. No sign of anything. About three or four days ago, I checked under mum’s breasts. It was all raw. I first put on the zinc cream. And wrote a message on the board “Check skin under her breasts”. The zinc cream did not help. Yesterday, I brought the Penaten cream and put it on. Yesterday, her chest of drawers had been moved back to beside her bed. The top drawer had been sorted and partly emptied: gone were the drinking straws and the partly used package of Vanilla wafers. The ponchos, etc. had been moved to the sock drawer, and pads had been put in instead. I rearranged the drawers. Took out all the biscuits, chocolate and the talking system. Have decided that I will bring all that stuff daily, in a bag from home. It will not be left in the drawer. Wrote on the board: Where is Erna’s Penaten medicated cream? and Where are her vanilla wafers? I told the gal at the front desk that the vanilla wafers were missing. She said the it might be Margo, who has a sweet tooth. I told her that I did not think that Margo could have eaten them all in a day. She agreed, saying that it would have made her sick. I am tired of the blame being put on Margo. It seems an easy out for them. I am quite sure that Margo did not take the Penaten nor the wafers. she was blamed both times when I reported the missing items. I checked Margo’s area both times. The stuff is not there. And what I know of Margo, she does not make off with the stuff. She may misplace it, or offer it to me in a generous gesture, but I am sure she does not take it anywhere else. So, I feel that the accusation is totally unfair, and just means an easy exit for them. In addition, it is not that easy to open the drawers in that cabinet. So, if they were to say that someone else might have done it, I would be very doubtful. Most of them are not strong enough to do it. Today, my two questions had been erased. Instead, there was the instruction to wash under her breasts, dry and apply paper towels. Not to use cream (zinc). And: Bra needed!!!! I replied that I would bring a bra to test, but only after she was healed. I did not apply any cream. From past experience, both here and at the hospital, their systems do not work, or if they do, they take forever. Penaten cream works in 2-3 days. Today, I have decided to give the Mayfair system a chance. I did not use Penaten cream on her. I will not keep this up for long, if it does not work Erna is too old for experiments to test theories. This is all very difficult. I can see that I am being set up in a sense, because the bra is supposed to be the answer. It is part of the same stupidity that has prevailed forever ? the instruction to put a blanket on her knees has now been up forever. In the past few weeks it has almost never been followed (the weekend staff seems to be a bit better). What do I do, ask if they can read? About a month and a half ago, I labelled all of mum’s hangers. At the time, there were none to spare. Now there are lots spare. I had not inventoried her clothes at the beginning. Several weeks ago I took inventory and wrote it all down, because there were bits that I knew were missing. I will have to redo that, since now some of the stuff, though not all, has come back. I assume it goes into the laundry. The problem with that is that both her cupboard and her chest of drawers are labelled with THEIR labels that “Family does the laundry”. So, why does some of the stuff end up in the Centre’s laundry? It is hardly a “mistake”, since it means a conscious decision to take it out of the room and put it in a bin outside. I can understand that there may be times (one recently) where, because she shit all over her pants, it may be useful to have the item washed, in house, rather than leaving it for my arrival. But, mostly that has not been the case. And, in the process, she has lost some of her own pieces, and two items that had been assigned to her (with no labels) that are now gone: a sweater in rayon/cotton that she really liked and a sleeveless undershirt that was useful. Neither was hers originally. They appeared and disappeared in the void. Too bad. Next time something appears that may be useful, I will present it for labelling. Previously, I have always taken the items back to the front desk, saying that they are not hers. This system seems to engender deviousness for the sake of survival. End of quote.
Right now, mum seems to be really OK, and she knows when you are coming and looks forward to it and to you and to trying to walk, i.e. us holding her under her two arms and marching her up and down. And that will be a very good thing. Until her drop/fall and hip-break, we had walked a bit every day. Now, I can’t risk it on my own. She and I wait for your arrival, so that we can hold her up on each side and she can practise walking again. She dreams of walking again. That, no doubt, is not realistic. However, a bit of activity and diversion is OK.
17.6.01 [Inese to Janis] Dzid comes on Tuesday evening. Mum and I can’t wait. Mum has been counting the days for months,
23.6.01 [Inese to Janis] As you know, Dzid is here, She arrived on Tuesday night and has been spending about half-days with mum. Mum is in 7th heaven.
8.8.01 [Inese to Dzidra] Had a brief chat with Cathy — she knew all about what you had achieved with mum. And that is good. That kind of info is good. It is a small world, and it is an even smaller Mayfair. I am sure that your impact was multiples of that. And that is wonderful. That is something I could not do without quitting work. Your effect is tremendous for being there for a long while. And mum is happy to do her exercises. On Tuesday she could not remember that I had been there earlier on Monday (holiday). So, she had worried that something had happened (I assured her that Nelson would tell her, or, and, she volunteered that “someone would phone”). Then, I mentioned that we had done exercises on the chairs on the lawn. Her face lit up and she said that she remembered that. Nice feeling. Nice legacy from you.
9.8.01 [Dzidra to Inese] Just some thoughts on Mum — If you can stand it, get her to say the alphabet — it will give her something to try to do after you leave… And I also used to ask her, when she looked as if she was thinking, “Ko tu domā?” and the results would sometimes be surprising.
3.9.01 [Inese to Dzidra] All is well. It was very hot until a couple of days ago. Now, it might start to cool off a bit. That makes it the awkward in-between time, when no one knows how to dress, least of all the aides re how to dress their oldies. Still, so far so good. Mum has been OK. She had a raw bottom last week. I put up a note on the board. I am sure they put on the usual creams that they have been using for the last 4 months to no avail. One of the aides said she includes it in her report every time. So, I said that I would use the Penaten cream and removed the note from the board. So, heaved mum onto the bed, pulled down pants, carefully undid the tabs on the diaper and put on as much cream as I could. I know they will wipe it off, etc. But I will continue. In fact a couple of days later, it was much better. Though there is still rawness deeper inside. Will continue to work on it. Will probably also call Linda to tell her and to ward off their reflex action of calling it urinary tract infection and prescribing antibiotics.
Other than that, we have been going outside every day. I have figured out a way to hold her so that we can walk from one bench to the next, and after a rest, back again. Have been doing that every day, or almost. Also doing exercises. She lifts her left hand to touch her head, her nose her mouth, her chin, her ear, her chest, with her knee in between. And for the leg, somehow, once sitting and having her cross one leg over another, I started to sing “Tudaliņ, tagadiņ, pastalnieki danco” (i.e. right foot over left, then left over right, and instead of doing the polka, she lifts each knee and stomps it down in turn. And so on through the verses. There are not that many, I had forgotten some, but after about a week she came up with the words. In the meantime, I had made up some of my own, which amused her: “Cits ar kreiso, cits ar labo, cits ar abām kājām”, or “cits not rīta, cits pēc pusdienas, cits līdz vēlai naktij”. So, that seems to be working quite well, and she enjoys it. She also says she does some of same in bed, when she is not asleep.
Today, I found my old Latvian song books, I have two, one shorter with music, the other longer without. So we sang one of the songs (Ozolīti, semzarīti, kam tu augi lejiņā). It had two last verses that she did not know, but which she found very nice. I think we are on to something. I had, earlier, thought about reading to her. Tried it. It is too hard. She can’t understand any of it, English or Latvian, unless it is all explained over and over, because she can’t hear it well enough to get it the first time. However, the songs, even the ones to which I can’t remember the tune, or ones that I never knew, she will probably know, and so it will probably work out. So, we will be very busy in the next while. In the meantime, she has stayed much more alert and aware after your visit. She remembers when I tell her what I will be doing and when I will be coming, etc.
15.9.01 [Inese to Dzidra] Mum is doing well. I quit on the idea of fighting “them” re her rawness. Mum now tells me when she has a problem and I administer the Penaten cream (it means getting her onto her bed and getting her trousers down and undoing the tabs on the diapers in a way that I can re-do them and then reversing the rest of the process). And we have done that some three or four times. There is still the problem of getting deep enough. So, I have diluted the cream with mineral oil (the stuff that was for putting into her ears) to make it runny enough to get it into a dropper that I could insert deeper than just surface level. So far, we have not yet tried that. The last outer application has staved off the rest for the moment, though I don’t think that is more than temporary.
Mum is in pretty good shape. Your efforts with her have had a lasting effect. She is still sane and remembers a lot more from day to day than she did before. So, you should feel satisfied. Your e-mails delivered as I described. The ones I referred to before were not over a weekend. They had come Monday to Wednesday, but were not delivered until Friday, presumably by Joani. Now that she is away, not much happens. Last week, mum said that she did not have her “special” lunch and no walk. Today, I forgot to ask her. However, we are walking and doing our exercises every day, so it may not matter that much. Your September 1 and 3 e-mails were printed back to back on the same piece of paper and delivered some days later. So, the “daily” version obviously does not apply. The last two, Sept 4 & 5 came on the same day with a “reply Sept 12” note on them. Mum said that they had been read to her, I do not know by whom, and I do not know how much she can get out of them. The times I have tried to re-read them to her, she understands about nothing, unless I re-phrase it and explain it. However, if you can stand it, I think that the idea that she has had a message from you gets through and hopefully your other messages for “them” are also noted.
8.10.01 [Inese to Dzidra] So, as for the rest, mum is ok, though her bum is in bad shape. I have been applying cream, but I suspect they scrape it all off. So, tomorrow I phone Linda. I don’t even know if she still works there. If not, I’ll ask for the doctor. I dreamt about it last night. I was talking about it to an elderly woman doctor, who agreed that something had to be done and wrote a prescription. I asked her if it included antibiotics and she said that it did. And that was what I did not want….
On Friday, your week’s worth of emails was on her dresser, including one from Talis for her birthday. I asked her if they had been read to her and she said no. I don’t know if that was the case or if she had forgotten, though in the past she has usually remembered. So, I read them all, and it was a battle. I also had a letter and card for her from Biruta. That was a little easier. Still, afterwards she said that there had been so many visitors (in letter form) and was pleased.
11.10.01 [Inese to Dzidra] I agonized over mum’s bum problem… The doctor, without seeing mum, prescribed more Canesten cream. I had no faith in that. I called again and asked that they ask him to see mum. He did, late at night, as was his custom. Mum said that she could not hear what he said and that she pulled the blanket aside for him to examine her and that he did not. She tried to explain that, now that she was lying down in bed, that it did not hurt her right now… (I do bleed for her efforts to be truthful.)… After some thought (Nelson had advised going to Emergency at the hospital; I rejected that because of the 4+ hours likely wait), I decided to take her to the Mission Clinic doctors to… I picked her up at 2 pm…
So, off we went. And sat fro 2 hours in the waiting room. Then, the doctor did examine her and said that it was in fact a yeast infections situation. She prescribed a pill to clear it and said that the Canesten cream was ok, and that something like a Penaten zinc cream as barrier was a good idea.
Mum has been on antibiotics for the past 10 days… To give her her due, Linda was surprised that I had not been told. Mum had had a skin tear injury on her leg — I had been told that it was probably from another wheelchair (Alzheimer patient) running into her. The injury had apparently become infected and therefore the antibiotics. …
I will request them to change her regularly, every 2 hours to start. So, bye for now. It is all very hard.
31.10.01 [Dzidra to Inese] No. I didn’t get it wrong — I knew our clocks went forward the same day, and that there would be a 2 hour difference, and the first thing that I asked the nurse who picked up the phone after calling 2 hours later than I would have before was whether it was 5, and she said yes it was. I was amazed when she said mum was still in bed, and that they would get her up at about 5.30. The nurse had even suggest that I ring back after supper, but I said I’d ring at 5.30. Anyway, I guess you had her out that day — otherwise makes you wonder how long she gets left lying in bed… But I suppose, especially with a sore bum, sitting in that sometimes draughty corridor is no great shakes either and she — if she remembers — can move about exercising — in bed as well as she can in the chair. Anyway, hope all is well…
20.11.01 [Dzidra to Inese] I rang mum this morning, and we went through the usual palaver of them leaving in her hearing aid, and her not being able to hear properly, and my trying to tell her to wave her arms so someone would come and help her, or calling, but she neither heard that nor seems at all to have any faith in the idea that anyone is around… so I hung up, rang back and launched straight into telling the person (after all I’d just talked to them before) to not ever put her on the phone with a hearing aid left in… that person told me not to get mad at here and seemed to leave the phone!!!!
I hung up again and rang and got someone else and more calmly asked them to remove the hearing aid… but though they had, by then, somehow mum just didn’t seem to be responding to what I was saying… she could hear me a bit, but it was not a logical conversation… so we struggled on a bit more, and then said our goodbyes.
It’s frustrating that when I ring, and ask for Erna, the person who takes the call then says hold on, and passes the call on to the nursing station or whatever — they go and get mum, but do ot communicate with me anymore — just give it to mum, and so ensues that chaos… But now I know that if that happens again, even though mum is still holding the phone, I can simply hang up and call again and get through with more instructions. AaGGGHH.
How has your end of it all been. Mum’s opening sentence, even though she still had the hearing aid in at that point, was that she was feeling quite good, that she wasn’t in pain. Later she coughed, and said she hadn’t quite got rid of her cough yet. How is everything going?
20.11.01 [Inese to Dzidra] Mum is OK at the moment, apart from a bronchial infection — upper tubes, Linda said. It gives her a cough that is hard to control, with a really full-sounding chest. She developed it suddenly at the end of October. I asked the evening nurse to check it out on the first day and called Linda on the second day. Linda said that mum had been prescribed more antibiotics! I think she said two different kinds, one for the bronchial infection, the other to keep the yeast infection at bay. I assume the yeast infection is basically over. The bronchial infection, however, is still there and is only mildly less than it was, and it must by now be close to four weeks. They have changed her bed and given her one where the head end can be raised. I assume that is to raise her when she is lying down to make breathing easier. When mum is sitting up, she does not have any problem breathing, and the times when she was in bed when I arrived, there was no problem either.
I have been giving her an expectorant cough mixture and daily dollops of yoghurt, as well as the usual vitamins, with the addition of echinacea and extra zinc. The coughing fits are not frequent. We have been going outside for about 10 minutes, wrapped up. It is not yet cold, in fact, this past week, it was 12-15 and quite pleasant.
We are working our way through the Latvian song books a second time. Mum remembers the words very well, sometimes adds to them, sometimes comes up with other songs. This time around, we are both singing the ones to which we know the melody. The other day, she said she had been singing them in bed. I don’t know if she sang them awake, or if she dreamt of singing them. She said that it had been a good feeling.
25.11.01 [Inese to Dzidra] Have changed mum’s wardrobe for winter gear. Have to take the summer stuff home, otherwise, they still try to use it! Have to make it all easy and obvious for them. Mum is doing ok for the moment. I am still feeding her anti-cold/infection/pro-immunity stuff. Her bronchial infection is getting a little better, but it is very slow. We are singing the songs and I read the ones to which I can’t remember the tune. Mum is enjoying that a lot — for the language, which she says is good and true, and for the concepts, which are often quite insightful, expressed very minimally.
10.12.01 [Inese to Dzidra] On Saturday, it went up to about 5 or 6 above zero. Some of the snow melted. On my sidewalk, there is a spot where there is always melting, then, at night it freezes again. There was some light powdery snow overnight. On Sunday, I set off to see mum, my hands full of her laundry and other stuff. Promptly slipped on the ice under the snow and landed on my hip. No breaks, but sore bruise. On my way down, I thought, have to keep my head up or I will hit it on the cement platform beside my steps. It is amazing how fast it happens. One moment you are upright, the next you are flat on the ground. This is only the third fall I remember in these circumstances. The first was on the sloping drive outside the school where I taught in Damme Germany. The second at the base of my steps in Montreal on my way to some event at Concordia. Michelle had phoned to warn me that there was ice everywhere that morning. I set off, fell heavily and changed my mind about going out at all that day. And always it is the incredible suddenness. There is no time to grab or prop or anything. It is upright and then prone in an instant. In Montreal, I did shoot out my hand a little to stop myself, and it only resulted in a very bruised wrist in addition to the rest.
Anyway, so I set off to see mum and wondered if I should try to take her for our hamburger lunch or not. At our end of town, it was snowing fairly heavily. At the Mayfair end, it was much clearer and they had had less snow. So, I thought OK, let’s do it. Got her to the car and into it. Then, went to put the wheelchair in the back. Could not open the back hatch. Thought of hauling her out of the car into the wheelchair and putting the seat down so that I could crawl to the back and open the hatch from the inside. In the end, I gave up, because I was not sure that the hatch would not be stuck again when I got her to McDonald’s, and then I would have no way to get to the back of the car, with her in it (since the back door on the other side does not open anyway). So, put her back in the chair and took her inside for her normal lunch. Must have been some sort of gremlins about that day.
Mum’s cold is finally getting better. Today, I called Linda to ask if mum was still on the large doses of Tylenol. She is. Linda said that it was not a “toxic” level. Nevertheless, she will check with the doctor to see if they might cut back on it for a bit. Your insights as to keeping the weight off her left hip have been useful. Not that everyone takes note, but on the whole, she has had more or less no pain
24.12.01 [Inese to Dzidra] Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year to you! Nothing much new to report. Mum is OK, though she again said that her bum hurts a bit. As far as I could tell, it got better in between. They are applying some sort of zinc cream and have changed to cotton cloth diapers. Perhaps it was again the antibiotics they gave her for her chest infection. So, we start again. There seems to be no end to the cycle. Otherwise, she is fine. We are having rather a good time singing the Latvian folk songs. Now that we are going through them a second time, she knows most of all of them. I wish I had music for more than I do (and that I can remember). Perhaps there is some song book that the Latvians in Sydney use? Perhaps Grauds knows of one, since he sings or sang in the choir. Last Sunday, I took her out for our hamburger lunch. All that was fine, except that I forgot my gloves on her bed. When we got back they were gone. Pain in the neck!
Nelson said that he would have her over for a Xmas dinner sometime this week. That would be nice. I had decided that I would not try to bring her home here, as it is just too hard. But at Nelson’s I think it could work. And I can wheel her in and out in the wheelchair.
24.12.01 [Inese to Janis] I have not written to anyone in ages, except to Dzid to let her know how mum is doing. And she is doing basically ok. No great disasters, just a lot of smaller frustrations. The story of my mum’s that you mention [“Ziemsvētku pusdienas” in Uz Tilta] is basically true (most of her stuff has a basis in reality, as you have no doubt realized). Ida (the woman who took the people on the Xmas dinner outing) exists. She must be in her 80s, but as far as I know, she still drives about doing good works. She is Swiss and was a colleague when I taught at Fort St. Girls’ High. She became a friend of my family and Austra’s family, and still keeps in touch, except that I don’t get around to writing to her, either. She used to travel a lot, and years ago came to visit me in Canada, on her way to somewhere else.
25.12.01 [Card to Inese from Dzidra] Explanation about purse for Mum: She could try to wear it around her neck — it’s to hold TISSUES! Play with it would be good for her fingers/hands as exercise (doesn’t matter if she can’t manage to shut it — the tissues won’t fall out!) I put velour on the strap to soften it. If she wants it shorter — just unpick the few brown stitches that secure the velour to the buckle & shorten the strap — (the stitches there aren’t really necessary anyway.) The rest of the time she can just stroke the koala!
28.12.01 [Inese to Dzidra] As for mum, I asked her yesterday, whether her bum hurts, and she said that it doesn’t. I suspect this time it was more of a topical rawness than a yeast infection. In any case, since her last infection, I have been feeding her yoghurt every day. The dinner at Nelson’s has been put off for a bit. Maybe next week. And that’s fine with me, and mum does not know about it anyway.
7.8.01 Hi Jodie, I guess I’m still on Canada time… woke in the early hours and had to send something… for Erna: Hi Mum, I’m back safely in Australia… the flight was long but all went well. Today I will get slowly back to life here — paying bills, unpacking my suitcase etc. Here everything at home is OK — the flatmates are fine, and the weather is fresh but lovely. How are you? Have you had any pain? If you have pain, ask the nurses to turn you to take the pressure off your left hip. lots of love, Dzidra
9.8.01 Hello Erna, This is from Dzidra again. Have you got your hearing aid fixed yet? Probably not. But Jonie said she is good at being loud!!! I am slowly recovering from jet lag — I went for coffee with my friend Michael Britt at Bondi Beach today, and then I went to a gallery opening. How is your leg? Inese said you were doing the exercises very well. [Handwritten note on printout: Reply 8/10/01]
11.8.01 Hi Joani, at last I see your name’s spelling in print — sorry about the other efforts! For Erna: Hello Mum. Here I am again. These letters come to Joani’s computer, that’s why they are so fast. I am going to go to Canberra in a few weeks time, to see an exhibition by Frida Kahlo. She was a Mexican painter who died in 1954. She did wonderful portraits of herself. Today I will find out whether train or bus is better for travelling to Canberra. Have you any pain?
13.8.01 This is another letter sent by computer from Dzidra. How are you? Any pain? Is it hot? Are you thirsty? I went to the Opera House to see a play yesterday. Nothing very serious — light entertainment. Then I went with friends to an art exhibition opening at a gallery and had dinner afterwards at a Chinese restaurant. Did Faye take you outside in the garden? I love you and miss you.
14.8.01 How are you today? Do you still have the itch around your neck? [Yes — handwritten comment on printout] Have the nurses been doing anything to get rid of it? [No] And how is your leg? [Better] Today I will go to another exhibition opening in Paddington. Also, the builder finished putting the attic ladder today, and I paid him the $1,600 for the job! Too much money, but it is done. It is not too cold — I have not had a fire for the last few days. Is it hot there? Are you thirsty?
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[Dzidra to Inese] Hi Inny, Just wondering whether Joani (or anyone else) has been reading the emails I’m sending to Mum. I keep putting relevant questions in them like “is your leg hurting?” with the idea that it would give Mum a chance to tell whoever is reading whether it is. Ask her whether anyone has been reading them lately.
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17.8.01 Hello from Dzidra again. Good to hear that you are OK. Ask Joani when she is going for her adventure holiday sailing on the ocean?? Here we had big wind which blew down trees in some parts of Sydney, but nothing near my house, thank goodness. But it did rattle our windows and wake us all up! But today it’s early morning, and everything is calm. How are you?
20.8.01 Thinking about you and wondering how you are. I just sent an email to Inese, because I have not heard from her and am wondering how she is. Yesterday I rang Talis. He is OK, working and going to parties. Hope your leg does not bother you.
22.8.01 Hello Mammaa, How are you today? Any pain anywhere? If your itch is still bothering you, please ask whoever is reading this letter to you to tell the nurse, because when I was there I was told that the nurse would put cream on it to get rid of the itch. Tomorrow I will got to Wollongong to see an art exhibition there. I will travel by train. Then the next day I will travel by train to Canberra to some exhibitions there. I will email you again when I get back next Monday. [Note: Replied 8/2/01]
23.8.01 Hi mum, How are you? Today I went to Wollongong and saw the painting exhibition and had lunch with Hans and his wife Mrianne. Then, as Yanis Grauds had invited me to the theatre this evening, I got back to Sydney in time to go and see a play about a mother and daughter…!!! Just like us!! Tomorrow I’m off to cold Canberra!!! The friend with whom I will be staying has warned me to bring warm clothes! Hope it is warm enough for you to eat outside on Friday. Are you feeling OK?
27.8.01 Hi Darling! I’m back from Canberra. I saw several exhibitions and a new museum of Australian history. I stayed with a new friend whom I like — we get on very well. But Canberra is far away — it costs a lot of money to get there. So we will have to keep in touch by email. He has a son living in Sydney, so sometimes he comes to visit him… maybe we can have coffee also at those times.
Here in Sydney it has been raining all day. A woman friend who has one 2 year old son and is expecting her second child in October visited me today. We spent the whole afternoon talking and playing with her energetic 2 year old son. Then Misko [right] rang and we went out and had coffee — and soon were arguing about Macedonia. Today I finished reading a book I borrowed from Inese — a memoir written by a woman who was born in 1928. I like the book very much. How are you today? Are they sitting you properly in your chair so that the pressure is not on your left leg? Look after yourself.
28.8.01 How are you today? I did gardening this morning. The big tree that was cut down years ago and cut up into logs has been rotting because I have been coming to Canada every year in the Australian winter, and so have not been burning up the wood. Now the wood has turned into dirt, but I have nowhere to put it. I have filled 4 garbage bins with it so far! Then I met with my group of 3 other women artists. We will have an exhibition one day together, but tonight we just discussed politics! Ask Joani if I can still keep sending emails while she is away on her adventure? Hope you have no pain.
29.8.01 Today it has been raining all day. I had intended to go to galleries, but stayed home, and now am looking at Russian art on the computer. Talis (pronounced Taalis) is still playing football. He will be 28 years old very soon. How are you today? Do you need a blanket on your knees?
1.9.01 How are you today? Today I went half way to Wollongong by train to the opening of a sculpture exhibition in a huge garden. A Hungarian sculptor I know had some pieces in the show, and later about a dozen of us stayed back and had drinks and food in the house of the couple who owned the property. Now I am looking at paintings on the internet on the computer again. Hope you are OK, and are moving your legs and arms.
3.9.01 How are you today? Have you been moving your left hand today? I have been trying to clean up the backyard a bit today. I am burning some of the old rotting wood in my fireplace. I am still looking at paintings by Russian artists on the internet on the computer. Some of them are very good. Now it is past midnight and I will go to bed. Can you still remember the alphabet?
4.9.01 Probably Joani is away now sailing on the open sea in her kayak! What an adventure she will have, and she will probably come back even more suntanned!! How are you today? Are you keeping your bottom properly clean? Have you any pain? Keep moving your left arm too, and press your fingers together to make them straight. I am learning about painting from looking at Russian paintings on the internet on the computer.
5.9.01 [Reply 9/12/01] Inese said the weather has been hot there. Here the weather has been lovely. Sometimes I light a fire in the evening, but tonight I did not bother, as it is not cold. I went to the art gallery to see a film today, and now have been sitting at the computer looking at paintings. One day soon I will go to the studio and do some painting myself! Hope you are moving your arms and legs well.
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[Dzidra to Inese] 5.9.01 I suspect that no-one would bring mum the emails on the weekend… I’ve had a couple of replies which turn out to a bit corny because Joani writes them as though it’s mum talking, but in the last one she said that she’s off to do her kayak trip this Tuesday — like now — and that someone else would read the emails while she’s away… she didn’t say who. I hope that the rest of the time it’s a daily thing (even if not at the weekend), so that it’s a daily check in with mum. Have the rest of the emails been turning up more or less daily? If so, perhaps it’s working. […]
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12.9.01 Hi darling, Happy happy names day. Hope the day is a good one for you. I have spent the morning doing a bit more gardening. I am learning not to try to do it all in one go, but to do a tiny bit on a regular basis, so I can put the rubbish in small bundles in the rubbish bin. The sun is shining, and here I am sitting looking at more art on the computer! Later I will go to have dinner and go to the theatre… first time I have been to the theatre (and paid for myself!!) in a long time. Hope you are OK, and good that Joani is back safe and sound.
14.9.01 Hi Mom, Hope the weather is nice enough for you to eat lunch with Joani outside today. I had a lovely evening last night — the theatre was monologues by 3 actresses, and was excellent. Tomorrow I will go to Manly on the ferry — first time in ages! How are you today?
15.9.01 Hello Darling, I hope you are getting these messages every day. Today I painted a little bit — not very good but I must keep trying. Tomorrow I will go shopping, but today I will not go out anywhere… a rest day. Yesterday I caught a ferry to Manly and helped some friends fold brochures for 6 hours!!! Do you have pain anywhere? Is your neck still itchy?
17.9.01 How is your hip today? Are you sitting properly with your weight on the right side? Today Ruta Frejis (pronounced Phrase) rang from Newcastle. She sends you greetings, and says that Indulis is still swimming. Today I cleaned the kitchen and climbed up a ladder to clean the leaves out of the gutter. Hope you are exercising well.
18.9.01 Dear Dzidra, So nice to hear from you so often — We read all the email today — 4 letters as we did not have time on Friday. Our lunch lasted too long and then on to walking class. We could have eaten outside on Friday but Joani thought it was a little too chilly. Joani and I think you spend too much time in front of your computer looking at art on sunny days — you should be outside!!! It is still warm here — yesterday was about 25 degrees and today about the same. Faye is with me today and continues to visit and help me with lunch and exercises. I feel good today and Inese was here to visit yesterday — she is ok as well. Did you enjoy the ferry ride? I don’t remember going to Manly. I love you and am waiting for you to come again — in July — (the last sentence is your mom’s exact words). Look after yourself and write soon. Mom
2.10.01 How are you today? Today I will go and get the photographs I took on the farm developed. And maybe even go and do some painting! It rained yesterday, but today is mild and sunny. But the man on the farm I visited needs rain, and doesn’t get any! Funny world. Hope all is well at your end.
3.10.01 Hello. What is your day like today? Have you had a good day? I got my slides from the farm holiday developed today. Some are OK, while some are no good because I did not set the camera properly. Tomorrow a friend and I will have lunch together and celebrate your birthday! Move your arms and legs when you can.
4.10.01 Happy happy happy birthday!!! Lots of love from Ruta and Indoolis Freys, who still remember those days by the beach with you in Newcastle. Love from Talis too. And mountains of love from me. 95 years young! Hope you are having a good day today.
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5.10.01 [Talis to Erna] Hello to my precious grandmother… This is your one and only grandson Talis wishing you a very very happy birthday. I hope all is well and that you are in good spirits. Sending all my love and admiration. Lotsa love Talis oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxout.
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5.10.01 Well how does it feel to be 95? All my friends here send you best wishes. I have been looking at my farm photographs, as well as walking to some galleries today. And of course sitting at the computer! But in 2 weeks time I willgo to a different farm!! I went there once last year. Maybe I will find time to paint tomorrow! Hope you are feeling good.
14.10.01 How are you surviving the colder weather? The food I bought extra for the visitor who didn’t come was nothing important — it’s just that I have to go back on an allergy died where I don’t eat things like bread or even fresh mild, so now I have to use those up before I can go on the allergy program. It’s to try to train my body to react differently to all kinds of food, so that I can breathe properly. How is your health?
17.10.01 The swimming pool has opened where I used to swim last year, but the water is only 200 — too cold for me! I will wait for a few weeks. How is the weather there? I am off to another farm this weekend. I finished one painting so now I have to start a new one. [Left: Dzidra in her studio with Erna’s portrait] How are your exercises going?
22.10.01 Just minutes ago I came back from my trip to a different farm — and it was lovely. Lovely people — an 80 year old and his wonderful 65 year old wife own it, and their 32 year old daughter, her husband and 4 month old baby live there too. They had a discussion group of 11 people — we talked about terrorism and the “war” that America has started in Afghanistan. I will visit there again in about 3 weeks time, and show my slides! How are you feeling today? Hope all is well.
23.10.01 How is your body today? Anything need attention? I did the first part of a course on art yesterday, and LOVED it. One artist showed slides of his drawings, and I liked them very much. Today I will do some more painting too. Hope the weather OK.
24.10.01 Dear Dzidra, Today is Wednesday and guess what woke me up? SNOW — about 3 inches and it was -6. Joani said the traffic was backed up this morning on the way to work because of the snow. It is now 4:30 in the afternoon and still some snow on the ground. The roads are dry. I am writing this email to you today because Joani is in a conference for the next 2 days and we will not be able to have lunch on Friday. I am so glad that you have found some new friends. That makes me happy. I am feeling well today and have no pain. To quote your mom — “I am actually feeling well and I too have some very good friends here.” I have not seen Inese today but perhaps yesterday. Inese and I were reading Latvian Folk songs and it was very interesting. I only want you to BE HAPPY!!!!! Take care of yourself and I will write again next week when Jaoni is back. I LOVE YOU MOM
29.10.01 I hope that Joani is back after attending her conference. It was good to talk to you today. Do not worry about forgetting things! It doesn’t matter, and believe me — it happens to different degrees to us too. Yesterday I saw someone whose face was familiar, but I simply have NO IDEA where I might have met her in the past. So it goes! I know it must be frustrating — but it’s not worth worrying about. Today I worked on frames for my pictures. And I painted some plant pots where I will plant some of the ferns in the garden. Hope you are well.
30.10.01 How are you today? I wish I really knew. I am glad that Joani is looking after you. Today I had the second session of my art course — very interesting!! We went to 2 galleries and saw how they work from the gallery owner’s point of view. Then I worked some more on framing, and even did some painting. Hope all is good…
31.10.01 I hope your knees and arms are warm. I hope your bum is not sore! Today I will go to visit a friend who has just had a baby and take some photographs while they are still in hospital. The new baby’s name is Pablo. Maybe he will paint like Picasso. I finished framing my picture today, and will take it to the gallery next week. How is Joani?
2.11.01 I went to a ball last night, and wore a dress that I made about 26 years ago!!! It still fitted!! Just! And I got a compliment about the dress! There were too many women as usual. I went by myself too! And I asked men to dance, and some of them refused! How times have changed! One man I asked, came by himself too, but when I asked him to dance, he said he avoids dancing… he didn’t dance all night. But he came to the ball!!! Weird! How are you — are you remembering to lift your legs and arms? When I was dancing, I was glad that I had been doing my stretches every day. Say Hi to Joani.
6.11.01 How are you today? How is Joani? Is there more snow? It’s raining here today. I’m sending people invitations, by computer, to the group show where I will have a painting hanging next week. Yesterday I had my Art class again, and we went to visit a house in Vaucluse where a rich couple collect paintings. It was wonderful!!! Today I will print some designs on some tea towels! Keep moving those legs and arms.
7.11.01 Dear Dzidra, Joani is back from her conferences and back to emailing and lunch on Friday. Thanks for all your letters. I think we are now caught up. It was also very good talking to you and I will no longer worry about for forgetting things because you are right — it doesn’t matter. All is well here — we had some snow again on Monday but not too much. Yes my toes, knees and arms are warm and I feel not too bad. I am hoping to see Inese tonight. I don’t particularly like that name Pablo because every name has its charm — only because it comes from Picasso… but it’s ok. WOW — 1st of all going to a ball is very impressive and wearing a dress you mead 26 years ago. I bet you were complimented on this dress!!!!! WAY TO GO GIRL. Your mom says you were a small girl 26 years ago. We are nearing Christmas but I am waiting for summer when you come. I am not in any pain today. It is a bright sunny day and I had a good nap this afternoon. We will try to write again on Friday just before our lunch group. We have a Remembrance Day Service on Friday morning so will talk to you then. Lots of love Mom
23.11.01 Hi Dearest Mom, How is your chest and cough? Are you having a nice special lunch with Joani? I suppose everyone stays inside nowadays. I had a visit from the young mother and her baby daughter — they are visiting Sydney. They live on that farm I visited. She saw the photo I have of you on my wall and says we look alike. Tomorrow I will finish printing the Tea Towels, and maybe get back to doing some proper painting. Keep warm.
26.11.01 I just read en email from Inese that says your cough is still there. I hope it is getting better. I have just come home from the last day of my wonderful, wonderful course where we visited artists’ studios and have just come from a delicious lunch with bottles and bottles of champagne. It was very interesting to see another side of the more successful art world in Sydney. Suddenly summer has arrived here, and after weeks of cold weather, we are now getting all wilting in the heat. I hope you are keeping warm.
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29.11.01 [Dzidtra to Inese] What’s with the Mayfair care centre’s email — yesterday’s and today’s emails — sent just as normal — have bounced. Most strange! Have they gotten sick of my many sendings, and put some sort of block on me? Could you ask if they have changed it…
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6.12.01 Well I hope the last email got to you… it didn’t get returned here. How are you today? How is your chest? Is everything OK? I get worried when I don’t hear from you or Inese. I am well… I’m expecting a visitor from Canberra to arrive any minute now — he will stay for the weekend. Look after yourself. Much love — write to me soon.
6.12.01 Hello Dzidra, Finally our email is up and running again. It has been down for over 1 week — not sure why but has been an inconvenience to every one. So good to hear from you today. It is Friday and once again lunch with the gang. We only have 2 more lunches before Christmas. It was very special today — the chicken was excellent, I could eat all of it with my fingers. And so I did!!!! My chest is ok and I do not have any pain. I am very full program. Joani is well and the weather has finally gotten a little warmer. -22 is just too cold. I think it was 0 coming to work today and should hit a high of +3. Must go, write soon and I love you. much love Mom
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10.12.01 [from Inese to Dzidra] I assume that by now your emails are working again. I phoned Joani last week and she confirmed that the service had been out and was still down at the time. She said she would send you a message from her home that night. I don’t know if she did. One day last week, mum mentioned someone had read an email to her of you exhibiting. That one did not show up in her room. The last one I have is from December 6.
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14.12.01 Dear Dzidra, Received your letters — I do enjoy reading them. We have just finished lunch — it was very good today, ham, baby potatoes, and peas — white cake for dessert. I am feeling ok today and very full. I had a good lunch. Not so cold here — I think it is going to be +3 today. Hard to believe that Christmas is only 11 days away. I am going to my walking program as soon as I finish this letter. Faye still comes to visit me twice a week. I wish it was sumer here like it is summer in Sydney. Joani says she would rather be eating outside. My cough is getting better. I am just waiting for summer to come so you can be here and then we can visit. Write soon and I love you. Mom
19.12.01 Greetings from a wet, stormy Sydney! How is the weather there? Ruta Freiya rang me today from Newcastle and sends you best wishes, and says they all still remember the times you all went to the beach together with Indulis and went swimming. She says to say hello to you and Inese and wish you all the best for Christmas and the New Year. Remember to lift your legs and arms when you are in bed too.
19.12.01 Dear Dzidra, It’s Friday again and we just finished lunch. It was good today — chicken pot pie and veggies, chocolate pudding for dessert. I can’t believe it’s only 5 days until Christmas. the weather is ok — cold the last 2 mornings… -15 but warming up nicely around the zero mark. I am feeling good and my wish for you is that you will be very happy for Christmas. By the way what are you doing on that special day? Joani is having 14 orphans (people whose children go elsewhere for Christmas) on Christmas eve. We just have finger food and play silly games and perhaps drink some wine. On Christmas day I will go to my best friend’s house and have dinner with 12 other people. Dzidra — I send you lots of love for Christmas. I cannot wait until the summer when you visit me again. MERRY CHRISTMAS DZIDRA!!!!! That is from Joani. We are off on Tues. and Wed. so will not email until next Friday. Take care and have a wonderful Christmas. Inese and I will sing Latvian folk songs on Christmas eve. Lots of love Mom and Joani
25.12.01 Hope you are having a very merry Christmas! I went to Windsor with Tanya and Austra and Ian and Imants and all the 5 sons who are grown up now. Now we have bush fires burning all around Sydney — all the way to Canberra to the south, to the Blue Mountains to the west, and past Newcastle to the north. All the sky is brown with smoke, and the sun shines through in a strange golden light. Very different from your winter! Hope you have a good Christmas dinner, and eat lots of yoghurt.
25.12.01
Dear Dzidra, Merry Christmas and a Happy NewYear to you. I had a very good Christmas, Inese came to the home. I had a good dinner — turkey and all the trimmings. I remember Tanya, Austra and Ian so give my regards to them. We have heard all about the fires burning around Sydney but have also heard that no one has been killed or injured from them. The smoke must be terrible. One can only hope that rain will fall soon.Today is Friday and had lunch with the gang. Pork chops, mashed potatoes and peas — pineapple for dessert. It was good. It is very8 cold in Calgary today. Tonight going to -18 and a high tomorrow at -12, Sunday -16. Just about had enough of the cold weather. It is even snowing today and Monday will be our New Years eve party. Joani is fine — looking forward to her couple of days off over new years. Be happy and have a very good New Years!!!!! Much love Mom
2.1.02 Happy New Year to you — now it really is the New Year!! I tried to send an email but I’ve just had a bit of trouble with the computer — had to call the technician on the phone, and all it took was one click… all fixed over the phone. But when you don’t know which box to click, you’re stuck. I’ve just been for another swim — in the early morning. It’s beautiful swimming under a clear blue sku, before the sun gets too hot. Now I will go to the studio and do more drawings. How have you been celebrating New Year? Did Joani have a good holiday? What does she do on her break in such weather?
2.1.02 Dear Dzidra, or can I call you “smokey” We have just finished Joani’s lunch… happy and gay as usual. Everything is fine in Calgary. The weather has improved greatly… as we are now on the plus side… about plus 6 yesterday8 and today and perhaps up to plus 15 by Monday. Not quite swimming weather but will take it anyway. Got to love those Chinooks!!!!! How is all the smoke? The outlying areas are in trouble. Also received reports that this fire was started by very young people. Such a sad thing. Joani had a great New Years — went a disco and danced her socks off all night to the tunes of “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees and “Dancing Queen” by Abba. Now that really dates me!! I had friends over for New Years dinner but other than that stayed fairly low keyed. The temp. in Calgary was minus 20 on New Year’s Day (with the wind chill). I am very tired today especially now after our big lunch. I did not see Inese yesterday but suspect she will be here on the weekend. Take care of yourself and find how to love someone and be happy. (Dzidra — those are your mom’s exact words — not mine). We will write soon. Love Mom and Joani
5.1.02 How are you enjoying 2002? Are you warm? Did you get any champagne? I did! But now I’m working every day in the studio [right], painting, painting on the old drawings. Today I cooked up a big pot of stew and put most of it in the freezer. I will live off it for the next week! The bush fires around Sydney are burning, and new ones are being deliberately lit every day!!! It’s awful. There are no trees for miles and miles — less oxygen for us to breathe. Idiots!!! Keep those legs kicking and lift those arms.
7.1.02 I’m having a bit of problems with my computer, but I think I’ve sorted it out. Good to hear you had a nice lunch. I have been painting today, but the drawings I worked on today are not very good ones, so nothing very good came of it. A bit disappointing. This morning it rains, so I did not go for a swim — will have to go tomorrow, as this afternoon it turned very hot again. However, the rain will have been good for putting out the bushfires a bit. But they are still burning, and it’s true that kids keep lighting them. Over 100 houses have been burnt to the ground! Hope you are exercising your fingers too.
8.1.02 How are you today? Are you cold? Have you got the Koala purse I sent you? Have you been exploring it with your fingers? Yesterday I had coffee with Dagnia Greste and Vineta Lagzdins who is a Latvian artist who grew up here but has been living in Latvia. She is going to study music therapy in Melbourne for two years. She does performance art. Today I will paint again, and then go to a sculpture exhibition this evening.
8.1.02 Hello Dzidra, Thank you so much for all the emails. As always it is very nice to hear from you. Yes today is Friday and another wonderful lunch. Baked chicken and french fries — all finger food which is very easy for me to eat. I really enjoyed it and ate well. The weather is very nice still — +5 during the day and always sunny which makes it feel warmer. It is so very sad to hear about the fires still burning around Sydney. What would ever possess those children to continue lighting fires. Such devastation!!! I am feeling very good today but very sleepy after my big lunch. Will have a rest after I finish this letter. Joani says thanks for the long email the of other day. I very much enjoyed reading it. I will send one from home when I get a chance. My email address is schuth@shaw.ca I have lots to tell you. I am looking forward to our time together in the summer — yes the months are passing — but not quickly enough. Take care and I love you!!!! Mom
10.1.02 What temperature is it there today? Here it is a hot summer’s day. I walked through Centennial Park to Bondi Junction and had a lovely Chinese meal with a friend, and did shopping. Then I came back and painted a bit, but the heat is making me feel tired. Tomorrow I will take a train to Austinmer where my friend Tom will get married on the beach! How are you feeling today? Try to get a tissue into your little purse.
14.1.02 How was the weekend? I went down to Wollongong where my friend Tom got married on Austinmer beach. It was a lovely wedding. On the way there, I saw miles and miles and miles of burnt country side. It was sad to think of all the poor animals. Tomorrow I will go to the Blue Mountains for lunch with an artist friend, and so I’ll probably see even more burnt countryside. There are still 50 fires burning in various parts of New South Wales. Remember to lift your arms and legs.
16.1.02 How are you today? Is it very cold there? This morning, after swimming I went to Circular Quay and caught a ferry to Manly to see an exhibition which I liked very much. Travelling on the Ferry is also something I have not done for ages, and it was lovely to look at Sydney like a tourist. The boats on the harbour are beautiful. Later today I will pack for camping this weekend, and after that I am looking forward to getting back to the studio and doing some more painting. There have been rather a lot of distractions this last week. Exercise your fingers — play sometimes with your koala purse!
28.1.02 How are you today? I’m glad that Matt is able to read these emails to you. I got your reply, thank you. I am still recovering from dancing Latvian folk dances on Sunday!!! My legs are still hurting!!! It was fun, but I really did it a bit too enthusiastically!!! The little teenagers around us old ones did not even raise a sweat. I am sure glad I have been doing my stretches. You keep stretching too.
30.1.02 Hi Matt, Thanks so much for reading my emails to Erna. Which days are you able to read them to her? Hi Mom, How are you today? Inese wrote to me that it has been very cold there! Here it is hot, and some days it rains. I did not go anywhere today, but tried to paint and read. And I finished a box of chocolates that I got at Christmas. I only opened them 3 days ago, and now they are gone! Remember to exercise your fingers and move your legs.
1.2.02 Hello Mom (and Matt) I have just come home after a lovely swim after a week of rain. The swim was lovely. Then I ran into the Latvian actor, Gulbergs and we had a nice chat. He also goes swimming, but he goes every day whether it rains or shines! I also bought some fish at the markets, and lots of lovely fruit and vegetables. So I am keeping fit. You keep fit too! Exercise your fingers and toes!
4.2.02 How are you? We are now, after all those bush fires, being flooded by endless rain! My roof is leaking in several places, and I am waiting for the insurance people to do something about it! I also can not go swimming, as it is raining night and day, non stop. I painted a bit today, but feel a bit restless when I have to deal with roof problems and so on. Never mind! You make sure that you do your exercises every day. I do!
4.2.02 Dear Dzidra, Received all your emails — I so look forward to having them read to me and hearing all that you do. I am sorry it keeps raining but I guess rain is better than having no roof to deal with. Perhaps the fire — if it was still burning may have eventually gotten to it. Just a little humor. Joani is back from vacation in Honolulu. She said she had a good time and is as brown as a little berry. She returned on Wednesday, Feb. 6th and all is back to normal. We had lunch today, fish, mashed potatoes and broccoli. It was good and I ate most of it. I am feeling good today but a little tired. Will lay down after completing this letter. I hope the insurance is settled on your roof by the time you receive this letter. I saw Inese a couple of days ago and would like to see her again soon. We still sing Latvian folk songs and Inese is delighted with the poetry. Take care of yourself and don’t stress out — life is too short!!!!! Write soon and as always, I love you!!!! Mom
13.2.02 And welcome back Joani! Honolulu!!! How exciting!! I painted today, and realized I have to add more color to my old drawings — be more playful with them. I rang Talis today. He is working on building houses — gets up at 5 o’clock every morning. Tomorrow, if it doesn’t rain again, I will try to go for a swim. And do more painting! Keep exercising.
18.2.02 Dear Dzidra, Our email is finally up and running. It was so good to hear from you again after all this time. I really miss getting letters from you. I feel very good today — had a lovely lunch — pork chops and all the trimmings — pineapple and cake for dessert. The weather has improved greatly +16 today and I think most of the week was around these temperatures. No snow left YEA!!! until Monday when the weather man is forecasting flurries and cooler temperatures. Maybe he’s wrong. Please continue to be happy and enjoy life. I can hardly wait until June when you arrive. Seems like a long time since we were together, Hopefully we can once again have lunch in the gazebo just like last year. Keep healthy and look after yourself!!!! Jaoni is fine — Eating and fresh air is important. I love you very much Take care Love Mom
18.2.02 Just came back from swimming and opened the computer for the first time in several days and found your email waiting for me. Today is fine again after several days of rain. I will go and do some shopping and go to see an Australian movie called Moulin Rouge. I went to 2 Latvian theatre performances by the Latvian National Theatre Group that have been visiting Australia. So 2 days in a row I listened to Latvian, and could not understand all of it, but enough to work out what was going on. One of the actresses was not very loud and quite hard for me to understand. Some other actors were much easier. The play was a modern one about Latvians today — both those living there and those from overseas visiting. It was quite enjoyable. Keep exercising. See how Joani runs in marathons!!!
21.2.02 What a glorious swim I had today! It was warm and sunny and just delicious. I swam longer than usual. I just didn’t want to get out of the water, it was so lovely. Then I loaded up my shopping bag with heavy fruit and vegetables, only to find they were having a bus strike today, and so I had to walk all the way home! Now it’s already late afternoon and I have not gone to the studio yet! But I will! Exercise your arms and legs!
24.2.02 I have been sorting out slides to show at Mishko’s [right] celebration of one year of his “Wog Art” magazine tonight. A whole day taken just getting the slides organized! I hope tomorrow I can get back to the studio and get a bit of painting done. How are you today? Is your leg OK. Do you still have pains anywhere? Hope everything is going well.
24.2.02 How are you today? Last night I showed many slides at Mishko’s celebration of one year’s publishing of his art magazine. The slides were of my paintings, and also some “scratched slides” where I scratched images onto the surface of the slide itself. Today I feel too tired to go swimming, but I will do my exercises here at home. And anyway, it has just started raining again! It sure is hard work keeping fit! I hope you remember to keep exercising too.
26.2.02 Computers, computers computers. What a lot of trouble they can be, Now my printer is not working — I hardly ever use it… so I don’t know why it has stopped workoing properly. How are you? Is the weather getting warmer?? Here, we have bright sun one day, and rain the next, and back again. Hope you are stretching your arms and turning your head from side to side. Most importantly — breathe deeply so oxygen can get to your brain!
27.2.02 How are you feeling today? I feel a little better because I have worked out that my computer printer just needs new ink — even though I have not used it much, the cartridges apparently only last for one year, then they dry up. But what a learning process it all is, and how time consuming. Maybe I will get into the studio today — I have not done any painting for days! It’s raining again today, so I just did stretches instead of going swimming. Hope you are breathing deeply and slowly.
28.2.02 How are you today? I am up early as I will go for a swim for the first time in about 4 days. I hope the water will not be too cold. I rang Talis yesterday but he was out playing basketball with his friends, so I spoke with his girlfriend, Narellle. She is preparing to go overseas even if he does not come with her. She is saving money, but so far, he is not managing to save much. We will see! Breathe deeply!!!
4.3.02 How are you? I am very well — today I came back from camping at the weekend near where you and Talis and I camped many years ago at the Wollondilly River. It was marvellous to be in the country again — I saw kangaroo, and again some lizards. Tomorrow I will have to wash clothes and sheets. I walked, and swam in the river. It is not deep. Breathe deeply every day, and exercise your arms and legs.
6.3.02 How is the weather there today? Here the day was sunny and warm, for the first time in ages! I went to the Art Gallery to meet Dagnia [left] and discuss the photographic exhibition we both are going to organize for the Latvian Culture Festival (Kultur Dienas) at the end of the year. We also saw some lovely drawings there by one of Australia’s old masters, Lloyd Rees, who died a few years ago. How is your deep breathing going? Get plenty of oxygen into your lungs.
7.3.02 Hello Darling, It’s raining lightly again today, after a beautiful sunny day yesterday. Just now Uldis Abolins, the Latvian painter, brought back two of my paintings from the Latvian centre in Strathfield where they were in an exhibition [right]. One is actually a pencil drawing of you that I did when you came to Australia to visit me nearly 10 years ago. So now I have to fit 2 more pictures on my walls somewhere. And today I will go into the studio and do some more!!! Breathe deeply, and exercise your neck!!
9.3.02 How are you today? Have you touched your nose with your left hand today? This afternoon I went to a friend’s place in North Sydney to get a free massage!!! He is doing a course, learning how to massage, and need people to practise on!!! It was great. When he was massaging my feet, I remembered how I used to massage your feet when you used to sit in that chair in front of the TV. I will massage your feet when I come to visit you this year.
11.3.02 How are you feeling today? Here, at last, the sky is blue and the sun is shining brightly. The man who will fix the roof has just been to look at it, even though it’s not leaking after they did a temporary patch up. However, they will start a bigger fixing job, and I can only hope it doesn’t rain in the middle of it! I have just finished my stretches. Have you been doing your stretches too? And breathing deeply?
13.3.02 How are you? How is your bottom? I hope they can work out how to make it clear up. I went for a swim today — even though it had been raining in the night. I still have 3 more swims on my ticket that I have to fit in before they close the pool at the end of the month. I will go camping agin this weekend. I painted yesterday, and will paint again today, so that is good. Breathe slowly and deeply.
14.3.02 I do hope any problems you are having with your bottom are sorted out. Today I am getting ready to catch a train half way to Canberra to meet my friend John who lives in Canberra. Then we will go camping in the same place where I went 2 weeks ago with different friends. I will take my camera, even though I don’t feel much like taking photographs of trees any more! I will come back on Monday. I think my next series of works — both photographic and painting, will be about the city [sketching on the harbour, left]. Keep breathing deeply and slowly, and exercise your fingers.
18.3.02 How is everything today? Any pain? Today I came back from a few days camping by the river, going swimming in it, going for walks taking photographs. Tomorrow the builders will deliver the materials to fix the roof. And I have to work out how to work another piece of computer equipment — I bought it last week but haven’t unpacked it yet. Lots to do. Breathe deeply. Exercise your legs. And your eyes.
20.3.02 How are you feeling today? Here we are having some warm sunny weather again. A late Summer. I painted yesterday, and today will go to the University shop to get another bit of computer equipment even though I have not even worked out how to use the last new bit (scanner) yet! So it goes! I hope the weather is getting warmer there too! Lift your fingers to your face, touch your head with both hands, and breathe deeply.
23.3.02 Inese wrote me that you have a catheter in — I hope this time they stop resisting using zinc cream and get smart. I hope it all goes well and heals quickly. I swam again this morning — I have only one more swim left on my ticket and I have to use it in the next 4 days before they close the pool for the winter. I bought lots of veges at the market today, and also some nice fish. I will cook it marinated in ginger and garlic. Tomorrow I will go to friend’s place for a BBQ to celebrate his 56 birthday. It’s Inny’s birthday too, on Wednesday 27th. Hope you are all having some warmer weather coming your way. Say hi to Cathy when you see her.
24.3.02 How is it all going? Are you feeling OK today? I have not been out of the house today — I have been going into the studio, painting a bit, then doing something else. Then going back and painting a bit more. Little bit by little bit. Sometimes it’s OK, sometimes not so good. The sun is shining brightly today — I hope it warms up the swimming pool for my last swim tomorrow morning. Hope you have time to do something interesting for Inese’s birthday on Wednesday.
26.3.02 How are you? Well today I paid for my aeroplane flight to come and visit you — I’m coming in June. So keep fit and healthy. Tomorrow I’m going early to catch a but to Canberra for Easter, and will only be back on Tuesday. So you won’t get any more emails from me for a week. I’m going up now to look at an exhibition by a woman whose paintings I really like — abstract stuff. I’ll write when I come back next week. Breathe deeply. Get plenty of oxygen to your brain.
2.4.02 I’m back from Victoria where I had a lovely few days driving through the country side. I visited Ruth who used to be the music teacher in Wollongong. I saw some lovely country villages and lots of beautiful countryside. Tomorrow I will have to do the laundry and get back to life in Sydney. I hope you had a good Easter, and that it is getting warmer for you there. Breathe deeply, and lift your arms.
3.4.02 I’m still getting over my Easter break. I seem to have come back in the mood to do a bit of much needed cleaning and tidying. But of course there’s always too much to do. How are you today? How is the catheter — is everything working OK? I can only hope it is. [Handwritten note added: Inese,These are the emails that were not read to your mom — They’ve been lost in space until now. Thx Joani]
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4.4.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Joani at Mayfair said to tell you that their email is not operating, has not been for a couple of weeks, and they are not sure when it will start operating again. They are changing service providers.
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4.4.02 Today is another lovely sunny autumn day, not hot — fresh, but very still, with no wind. Peaceful. Except that I am having some problems with my computer. But it’s just a case of learning how to work it all out. Tomorrow I will go and see galleries, and today I will do some more organizing and hopefully do some painting too. I also have to go and pick up the ticket to Canada which is waiting for me at the travel agent. I hope everything is OK with you. Later on the same day in the afternoon: Well this weather is crazy! It is now totally gray, windy and pouring with rain!!!
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6.4.02 [Dzidra to Inese] Is it worth then to send these daily dribblings for Mum to you to take to read to her, or should I not bother the Dear Mom versions I’ve been sending to Joani, and just communicate to you whenever relevant, and you keep mum informed. I can send these daily things of something I’ve done each ay if you think it makes a difference to her — or just not do it if it’s a fuss.
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12.4.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Just a quick note. Got a whole package of your emails to mum at Mayfair today (from February to the present). All except one Joani replied to had not been read to mum because they had not been received because of the changeover in their service provider, I assume. I read bits and summarized bits to mum. And, in the same vein, to answer your earlier question, I do not think that you need to send more than one email a week. I suspect it is all too much for them and for mum. She is still on Joani’s version of Friday lunches, and I am pretty sure that that is the only time that emails get dealt with.
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14.4.02 Glad I can write to you again, but this is an experiment — I’m having trouble sending emails!! I’ll try again soon.
14.4.02 So good to hear the weather is a little bit warmer there. Here we have had a few weeks of wonderful weather. This morning, for the first time ever, I went to Centennial Park and did my stretches there, under the trees and the birds. It was lovely. Just now I have had lunch with a friend, and we had a big ice cream cone for dessert. Now I will go and do some painting at last, as I think the computer is OK and is slowly sending messages properly.
19.4.02 Is the sun warming you up there yet? I have just been to a lecture listening to 5 of our Australian artists talk about the Blake Prize for Religious Art — the one I got a painting hung in 33 years ago!!! Afterwards I came home and cooked a whole fish that I bought at the market today. I like going to the park and doing my stretches in the open air. I hope you are doing your stretches too! and breathe deeply.
19.4.02 Dear Dzidra, We just finished an excellent lunch. My favourite… fish and chips and butter tart. All easy food to eat with my fingers. Don’t know about the weather. We keep going from winter to spring. Supposed to be warmer this weekend. Highs near 16 but by Tuesday… highs plus 2 and snow. What’s with this weather? Will summer ever get here? I am waiting very patiently for you to come. Hopefully we will be able to eat outside jus like last year or am I being too optimistic? Inese is also waiting for you to arrive so all of us can spend time together. Please be careful. I want to see you healthy and happy. Joani received your email and she will respond this weekend. Her computer has been down because of her move. Thanks for the mail All up and running again. Take care and I miss you very much. Love Mom.
20.4.02 Yesterday I went to the Blue Mountains with the Latvians to visit some galleries, and to see Rainis Zusters’ wife, Venita Salnajs. It was a nice day, we all ate too much, but of course it was delicious. Today I swam in the morning, and in the afternoon I’ll go to a party with people interested in philosophy! How are you feeling today? ——–
19.5.02 [Dzidra to Inese] [copy of her own email to Joani]: Hi, I should get to Calgary around June 17. It would be great to do a meal or whatever, sometime. Inese has emailed me that Mum’s hearing aid went missing last week, and there is still no sign of it. Since that’s the last bit of contact that Mum still has with the outside world, what with her sight gone, and it being the Nursing home’s responsibility, what do you recommend?
[Reply] sent by Joani, 8th May, 02. Hi Dzidra, Just a short note to let you know your mom is ok. I have forwarded the email, regarding your mom’s hearing aid, on to the powers that be. Hopefully something will be done about it. Your mom is really looking forward to seeing you in June. To her, it seems far away. Will not email you on Friday as usual, as I won’t be there. Taking a few days off and going to Vancouver for the weekend. Looking forward to it. If you haven’t already heard, we had 45 cms. of snow in Calgary yesterday. UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Today is supposed to reach highs of +2, so maybe some of it will melt. Take care and we will write next week. Cheers Joani
[Dzidra]: That’s the last I’ve heard.
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23.9.02 Hello Mom, How are you, Inese told me about the awful trouble with your hearing aid. It really is not good enough! Does it mean you will not even be able to hear this email? I hope responsibility is taken, and this does not happen again. I hope you are OK, and that your chest and other infections are getting better. Keep drinking lots of water. I love you very much.
4.10.02 HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY lots of love and best wishes from Dzidra and Talis!!!! Congratulations for having reached the wonderful age of 96!!!!! Thank you for being a wonderful mother and grandmother! We are celebrating here — I hope you are doing the same there.
7.10.02 Hope you had a wonderful birthday. It was good talking to you on the telephone, even though you could not hear me — I could hear you! I have got a new flat mate who will move in on Friday. He is visiting from England, and so will stay only a few months. Then I will have to advertise again! I’m thinking of you and sending you all my love.
11.10.02 How are you? How is everything going? How was your birthday? How is your cough? How is your hearing aid? I rang Talis yesterday and he is fine. I am fine too, and still getting ready to go and show drawings to galleries. Breathe deeply.
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6.11.02 [Dzidra to Inese] for mum: Milo Mamin, Nu rakstu Inesei nevis tiem citiem — lai varetu rakstit Latviski, un vienkars nezinu cik biezi tie nak tev lasit to ko es tev rakstu. Labak lai Inese tev izlasa. Sodien tiriju maju — vecais flatmate ari tirija savu dalu. Redzesi vai jaunais kaut ko izdaris. Tagad jaiet uz Redfernu kur iedevu 2 slidites lai man iztaisa bildes ko liksu foto izstade Kulturas Dienas te Sidneja gada beigas. Mums ir LIELS sausums… lopi nikst nost, uguni deg vairakas vietas arpus Sidnejas. Es jau ka parasti leju udeni no vanas un velas uz darza, ta ka man jau aug viss ok. Lielais eikaliptu koks ar aug, par daudz!! Ka jums iet? [to Inese]: Is it ok to write thus to mum via you? Can you make head or tail of it or should I try to double up letters to indicate garum zimes (eg ziimes) as I saw being done some where, or s* to indicate ‘sh’ etc? Would you prefer I just write to Mayfair? I haven’t written for ages.
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6.11.02 [Inese to Dzidra] Yes, you can send mum letters via me. It is a good idea. And don’t bother with anything to indicate the accents.
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20.11.02 [Inese to Dzidra] As for mum — your letters have been great. She can hear and understand them. It works. Even when she cannot remember — she does, when I point it out. And she thinks that you have such good Latvian, and I am sure it makes her heart glad.
Par Angliju (domāts taisīt romānu—šeit ir sīkdaļas)
Katru vakaru ielā pret mūsu logu iedegas spuldzes, vecmodīgas, mīlīgas lampiņas. Divas tālāk, divas tuvāk. Es raugos arvien divi tālākajās. Viņas ir jaukas. Kā puķes. Un kā — lampas. Ar kādu siltu, labu vēsti. Kādu? Kas zina? Sevišķi mistiskas viņas ir tieši iedegšanās brīdī — pēkšņi iekvēlojas tikko manāmi, jo vēl ir diezgan gaišs no dienas gaismas. Viņas kvēl kā oglītes. Skats ielā ir kā glezna. Krāsainas debesis, mājas, logi, laukums ar būvmateriāliem, daži koki, daži krūmi un divas lampiņas tuvāk, divas tālāk, kas no ogļu sarkana, nespodra kvēlojuma pārvēršas zeltainā liesmā. Deg visu vakaru. Visu nakti. Līdz rītam. Naktī divu tuvāko lampu gaisma kļūst spokaina, stipra, uzbāzīga, spīd istabā, ja logs nav aizsegts, nes iekšā savādu nomodu. Lampas ielā, gaismas naktī. Liekas, lampu iededzinātājs dažreiz pazūd ap stūri ar garu, tievu kārtīti. Viņu patiesi var dažreiz redzēt. Bet lampas iedegas tagad pašas. Bet viņš vēl tomēr manāms dažreiz, kad krēsla nāk. Kāda tā vēsts? Kas zina? Kaut kas. Kaut kas dzīvs, silts. Gaisma ielā. Kad krēsla nāk. Kad iededz gaismu mājās un aizver logus, lampiņas no ielas spulgo, sasaucas ar gaismu mājā. Vēsta. Ko? Kaut ko. Kas nāk. Ziema nāk. Migla. Sarma pa nakti sametas kokos. Ielas akmeņi kļūst slideni. Soļi meklē ceļu no vienas dzeltenas gaismas loka uz otru. Ļoti slīd soļi uz brūnajām, vēl dažuviet gaiši brūnajām lapām, kas vēl pa vienai nolaižas no tukšajiem koku zariem. Vēl arvien atrodas zaros kāda lapa. Nē, ne zaros. Zari šķiet sen jau tukši. Lapa tikai vēl kāda nolaižas un nolaižas kaut kur no nakts… Sals nāk. Atkušņi nāk.
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Dažuviet šķiet ļoti strauji, ir jauna, tikko dzimst. Bet kur tai saknes? Vai tā nevar sapīties visa kopā? Krusti baznīcas kapu vietās, kur eju rītos un vakaros pāri, ir arī ļoti veci. Un maizes smarža mazajā Molšam ielas veikaliņā – tā arī ir mūžveca. Plūst rītos siltos viļņos ārā pa durvīm, vēsajā gaisā. Un cilvēki steidzas, spiežas, pērk, nes prom silto maizi kā senos laikos. Veikaliņš tik mazs, to izpērk dažās stundās. Lielajos pašapkalpes veikalos ir maizes diezgan, arī laba. Bet tur, Molšam ieliņas šaurumā, tā nāk kā no cita avota.
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Mazajā Molšam ieliņā, kur viss bija tik mīlīgs, kopā saspiedies, pilns vēstures un apziņas, ka tā kādreiz bijusi galvenā iela, arī tagad tā veda satiksmi iekšā no svarīga apgabala, un tikusi ārā no sava veikaliņu sablīvējuma, gar baznīcu (ar kapiem), aizstiepās gar dzīvojamo māju rožu dārziņiem tālu, jo tālu, uz lielo ielu krustojumu aiz muzeja un aiz parka, ieveda “vecajā, labajā Anglijā.” Ja bija prātā tālāks izgājiens, uzejot uz tās pie baznīcas, bija jāgriežas pa kreisi. Ja gājiens bija domāts uz pilsētas centru — uz lielajiem veikaliem, tirgošanas centriem, uz dzelzceļstaciju, tirgu, teātri, kinoteātriem, muzeju, peldbaseiniem (āra un iekštelpas) un visu citu steidzīgo, darbīgo, jauno pilsētu vai arī, ja gribēja iepirkties turpat Molšam ieliņas senajos veikaliņos, tad bija jāgriežas pa labi. Kādā mazā veikaliņā, mazajā logā bija maza roku rakstīta zīme, ka vietējā izrakumu sabiedrība meklē palīgu izrakumu kārtošanai. Pieredze nav vajadzīga. Šie mazo veikaliņu mazie logi ar saviem dažādiem ziņojumiem, bija ļoti laipni. Ja ko vēlies—darbu, vai ko pirkt, vai pārdot — uzraksti uz zīmītes, ienes veikaliņā un par dažiem santīmiem atstāj to izlikt logā. Pēc dažām dienām saņem atbildes. Tā es dabūju lētas, labas klavieres jau pirmajās dienās. Tā es dabūju šo darbu pie izrakumu kārtošanas. Pierakstot manu vārdu, man jautāja—“Vai no Zviedrijas?” Tā bija patīkam pārmaiņa šai neizbēgamā jautājumā. Tur, otrpus okeānam, pazina un jautāja tikai – itālis vai jugoslāvs, vairāk izņēmuma gadījienā — polis.
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Darbā nebija nekādu nepatīkamu vai grūtu saistību. Darbā varēja nākt, kādā laikā grib, un strādāt, cik stundas grib, tikai iepriekšējā dienā to pasakot, cik un kad, darbs un visa tā norise bija labi izkārtota. Man tur bija divas darba biedrenes un divas priekšnieces, Viena lielāka, svarīgāka priekšniece – pār mums visām, otra mazāka priekšniece, tikai pār mums trim, vienkārša darba strādātājām. Bija gandrīz tā, ka arī no mums trim viena bija mūsu priekšniece — tā, kas darbā bija bijusi ilgāku laiku, lai arī darāmais darbs bija viens un tas pats. Tā no mums, pieciem darbiniekiem, trīs bija priekšnieki. Neskaitot vēl divus, kas nāca tikai dažreiz skatīties un savākt padarīto, tie bija Pols un Nikija, un arī tie bija pakāpēs — Pols bija Nikijas priekšnieks, un tā, saprotams, arī mūs visu citu priekšnieks. Pareizi saskaitot — septiņi darbinieki, no tiem pieci priekšnieki. Tikai es un Ruta bijām pašas par sevi, nevaldījām ne pār vienu citu. Mēs trīs, Ruta, es un Marga (mūsu priekšniece) strādājām kopā pie viena liela galda: slaucījām un sukājām zemes nost no izraktajām romiešu mantām, mazgājām tās, kur vajadzēja, likām kastēs, lipinājām un sējām klāt zīmes un paskaidrojumus par lietu vēsturi. Ziņas mums bija tikai jāpārkopē no saburzītajām, salijušām, zemjainām un mālainām zīmēm, kas nāca līdzi kastēm un plastika maisiem ar lietām tieši no izrakumu vietām. Darbs bija viegls un diezgan interesants. No visiem pieciem priekšniekiem neviens mūs nedzina, neuzstādīja nekādas padarāmā darba normas, neskaitīja un neskatīja, cik mēs padarām. Aprunājās tikai par lietām — cik labi vai nelabi vienu vai otru no tām berzt ar sukām vai slaucīt, vai mazgāt, un pieteica — ja kas nokrīt zemē un meklējot aizmirst, pie kuras grupas tas piederējis — sviest to prom, vai, ja gabals patiesi bijis sevišķi neparasts, parādīt to Polam, kad tas atnāk. Mēs varējām sarunāties, cik mums tīk vai netīk, mēs varējām sēdēt vai stāvēt, iekārtot savu tējas laiku mazliet agrāk vai vēlāk tik garu, cik to mūsu sirdsapziņa atļāva, un vispār — justies kā mājās. Tā mēs arī jutāmies, ja neskaita to, ka mūsu darba vieta arvien izvērtās krietni vien netīra. Izrakumi dažreiz bija dubļaini, smilšaini, putekļaini, telpu sildīja arvien ļoti siltu ar elektriskiem sildītājiem, izrakumi žuva un pietvaikoja gaisu ar visādām labākām vai nelabākām zemzemes smakām. Kā es atvēru pirmoreiz tādu plastika maisiņu ar lauskām, starp kurām bija kauli, man gandrīz prāts nesās doties prom — simtgadu pazemē, mēris un viss. Bet tā nevarēja aušoties — sākumā tikai elpot te veicās ne tik dziļi, ne tik brīvi, mazāk saost… Tādas lietas kā kaulus un mazgājamas lauskas mēs cilājām tikai ar cimdotām rokām, tomēr pagāja kāds laiks, līdz man šie cilājamie kauli kļuva vienaldzīgi viņu izskatā un viņu smakas ziņā. Patiesi viņiem bija tikai zemes smaka. Nu, varētu teikt arī — trūdu smaka. Bet zemei jau arī ir tikai trūdu smaka. Nu, ja domā par to, ka mēris nāk no pazemes, ka tā baktēriju izmet zemes atvēršanās šādā vai tādā veidā, ka žurkas savās alās saslimst pirmās, ja tā domāja, tad dažubrīd kļuva nepatīkami. Bet — neviens tā nedomāja. Visus netīros, smilšainos, trūdainos ūdeņus, kur izrakumi bija mazgāti, mēs lējām taisni pa logu ārā, uz zāļainās ejas pirms mūra dārza sētas, kas veda visgarām lielajai, zemajai ēkai ar daudzajām darba istabām. Netīrais ūdens sasūcās zemē, sniegs uzsniga, nokusa — viss kaut kā izlīdzinājās, saulainākā laikā vēl dīga tur zāle. Nekāds mēris mūs neķēra.
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Sākumā man tomēr bija jādomā, ka šie ļaudis dzīvo ellišķīgi netīri. Tējas krūzītes nometa un atstāja turpat blakus kaulu kaudzēm, pat neapsedza. Es domāju – vajadzētu te ielaist kādu īstāku eksemplāru no mūsu nācijas, tad redzētu, ka te lietas pagrozītos. Bet man nebija nekādas vēlēšanās uzspiest šiem labiem ļaudīm un viņu tikumiem kādas citas nācijas likumus. Es gribēju dzīvot, kā viņi dzīvo. Es iejutos arvien labāk. Tikai dažreiz, kad gadījos viena telpā, atgrūdu logu uz brīdi, bet tas paradums vairāk iesakņojies no dienvidu puslodē vadītā laika – kā kādā telpā iekšā, tā – logu vaļā. Kad nāca mana reize tēju gatavot, es stingrāk izberzu tējas iebrūninātās krūzītes un neuzkrītoši apsedzu tās vēlāk kopā ar cukura un biskvītu turzām ar svaigu avīzi. Šai rīcībā man atsaucīgi piebiedrojās Ruta. Mēs sākām ņemt līdz mazus trauku dvielīšus, ar ko krūzītes slaucīt un apsegt, un, kad mēs vakaros gājām mājās, mēs tāpat tīri noslaucījām galdus, kur strādājām, izskalojām lielās mazgājamās bļodas un visu nosedzām ar avīzēm. Avīžu mums visu laiku vajadzēja un tās mums piegādāja, jo tās mēs klājām kastēs, zem nomazgātajiem izrakumiem nožūšanai. Patiesi, ja rūpīgi neuzmanīja – galdi un visa telpa ātri izvērtās īstā jūklī. Ja ko pameta nenokārtotu vienā dienā, otrā rītā nākot, nebija spara ķerties darbam klāt. Ar visu mūsu kopšanu lielā telpa (pusgadu nemazgātām grīdām) bija neiedomājami netīra – smiltis un putekļi čirkstēja zem soļiem un mūsu pēdas gaitenī vienmēr bija nenoslēpjamas.
Citās telpās (izņemot mūsu divas milzu istabas) bija izglītības ministrijas un pilsētas valdes darba nodaļas. Šī bija vienstāvu pagaidu celtne, kļuvusi veca jau un vēl arvien kalpoja it kā pagaidām, kamēr citur auga lielas, modernas celtnes. Citās istabās, kur strādāja tikai kancelejas darbinieki, viss bija ļoti tīrs un spožs – vecās linoleja grīdas arvien smaržoja pēc vaska no rītiem un spīdēja saulē, kas spīdēja caur veca dārza zariem, tur bija mierīgākas, labākas darba telpas, ko nevarētu atrast modernajās celtnēs.
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Nezin kā šie labie kanceleju darbinieki vispār cieta mūsu tuvumu — ar trūdu smaku, zemēm un putekļiem. Bet mums bija jāņem ūdens no viņu virtuves, kur viņiem gatavoja tēju. Mūs sauca par podu ļaužiem, jo mēs tur tīrījām, kārtojām, līmējām kopā romiešu vecos podus, vāzes, traukus, pieminām gaiteni putekļainām pēdām. Mūsu darbs tomēr piederēja kultūras nozarei, darbinieki un tā uzturētāji lielāko daļu bija entuziasti studenti un vēstures labvēļi. Un šī darba norise un izdarības turpinājās, kā darbs pats to prasīja, bez iepriekšēja sīka aplēsuma. Kad mums aizliedza liet netīros ūdeņus pa logiem, mēs nesām tos pa gaiteni ārā, lējām kādā dārza stūrī. Aizliegums nenāca kādu higiēnisku apsvērumu dēļ, bet tādēļ, ka ūdens sāka pūdēt celtnes koka sienas. Uzmanīgāka, apdomīgāka rīcība kļuva nepieciešama, lai mūs no telpām neaizdzītu — lai mēs nezaudētu darbu — domājām mēs trīs, mazākās darbinieces, un turējāmies draudzīgi kopā. Sevišķi Ruta un es satikām labi un viena otras tuvumu panesām ar laipnību, pat sirsnību.
Kad Ruta pirmoreiz atnāca darbā, es gandrīz domāju, ka viņa būs valdonīgāka, bet šī īpašība šai tautai nemaz tik izplatīta nav — vai arī ir tikai dažām tās kārtām… Varbūt Ruta bija no zemākas kārtas. Tur bija un palika un viņai nekas nebija jāizkaro. Tas bija patīkami. Diezgan reti sastapts miers. Pirmajā dienā darbā viņai bija zīda blūze, mazliet pavalkāta, kremkrāsā, un zaļgani svārki, kaut kur pie kakla bija sīka zelta ķēdīte, kas turēja piespraustu pulksteni aiz blūzes. Šāda zelta ķēde ar pulksteni aiz blūzes bija manai darba biedrenei daudz gadus atpakaļ vecajā zemē, tā gan bija ļoti jauna sieviete, Ruta bija jau iesirmu galvu, tomēr viņām abām bija kaut kas kopējs — kāda maiga lietišķība, īpašība, kuras man arvien trūcis un kuru es kaut kā, varbūt labā sadzīvē, aizņēmos no citiem…
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Bija labi strādāt, kad Ruta sēdēja blakām, liela, pasmaga, iesirmiem matiem, labu, sārtu sejas krāsu. Mēs abas vēlāk nesām virsvalkus, lai turētu drēbes kaut cik tīras no simtgadīgiem putekļiem, tomēr zem virsvalka Rutai bija zīda blūze, un tas deva siltu, labu sajūtu. Zelta pulkstenis ķēdītē un zīda blūze, veca zīda blūze pasargā no apnikuma darbā, dzīvē — kaut kas tiek ņemts nopietni, ar cieņu — darbs, dzīve, diena, tas viss neatrod iespēju izkūpēt zilā gaisā un atstāt tukšumu.
Margareta, Marga, kā to saucām, bija arvien ļoti profesionāli safrizēta, viņai bija arī neparasti smalkas, baltas rokas, ņemot vērā to, ka viņa bija ģimenes sieviete, bet Margareta telpā neienesa nekādu savu īpatnību, savu dzīves, apkārtnes iekrāsojumu. Viņa runāja, smējās, darīja visu to pašu ko Ruta, bet viņas it kā nebija, viņas vietā varētu būt katru dienu cita sieviete vai nemaz nebūt, nekas nepārmainītos, viņa neturēja laika plūsmu sev apkārt savā varā, kā Ruta to varēja. Ruta sēdēja tur, staigāja, rīkojās, un tas notika tai laikā, tai dienā, tai stundā Rutas dzīvē, manā dzīvē. Ruta dzīvoja savu dzīvi katrā tās brīdī, ar visu tās vienkāršību, pelēcību, ņēma to nopietni, neskrēja tai cauri… Ruta negarlaikoja, netraucēja, neņēma neko prom no otra stundas, viņas dēļ nebija jāizliekas, jātērē lieki vārdi, nebija jādomā, ko teikt, ko neteikt. Ja mums patika, mēs runājāmies, izjautājām viena otru par šo un to, ja ne, sēdējām stundām klusēdamas, pa reizei paskatīdamies putnos aiz loga, kas nekustēdamies sēdēja veco augļu koku zaros, debesīs, kas pavēra kādu zilu aci un aizvēra, vilcienos, kas uz augsta uzbēruma gāja uz Londonu un nāca no Londonas. Dažreiz Ruta runāja par mājas dzīvi, ēdienu gatavošanu, ziemas un vasaras darbiem, notikumiem ar savu jaunības zemi. Visvairāk vienoja gada laiki. Šai klusajā biedriskumā es varēju ieiet dziļāk un dziļāk šīs zemes dzīvē, man tā šķita.
Otrdienās Ruta mājās cepa maizi, baltmaizi. Tad viņa paņēma papīra turzā līdz mums katrai pa pāris vienkāršām, apaļām maizītēm. Tās bija ļoti labi izraudzētas, labi izceptas maizītes. Tām nebija nekādu sevišķu piedevu, ne ķimeņu, ne sviesta, ne cukura. Tām bija brīnišķīga svaigas maizes smarža un maigums. Mēs tās ēdām tējas laikā.
Mājās parasti tādai maizītei mēs uzziestu krietnu kārtu sviesta, varbūt vēl medu, ievārījumu klāt, bet tāpat bez tā maizes garša un smarža bija jūtama daudz delikātāk, dziļāk, šādai mazai maltītei tas bija gandrīz kā tāda rituāla svētums. Rutas dēls bija melderis lielajās, vecajās ūdensdzirnavās uz pilsētas upītes. Šīs dzirnavas dzīvoja savas pēdējās dienas. Bija nolemts tās nojaukt, dzirnavām bija jāpārceļas uz kādu mehānisku, modernu maltuvi. Ūdens varēja atpūsties no simtgadīgiem darbiem. Arī apkārtējās ēkas, kur dzīvoja dzirnavnieks ar ģimeni, bija nojaucamas līdz ar visu citu. Tas bija skumji. Dzirnavas bija jaukas, nevarētu dēvēt tās kaut kā – skaistas – veca, liela, gandrīz neglīta koka celtne, bet ar veclaicīgu seju un visiem labiem maļamiem gaņģiem… Uz akmens malto miltu – tādu maizi veikalos pārdeva ar sevišķu uzrakstu, lielāku cenu, tā bija laba maize. Šis vārds kādai maizes šķirnei vēl paliks kādu laiku, varbūt pat ilgi, bet ne norise, kā tā radusies. Šīs vecās lietas, dzīves un darba veidi kļuva noārdīti te tāpat kā visur pasaulē. Vecas, jaukas, bet katrā ziņā ne vairs modernai dzīvei ērtas mājiņas Molšam ielā jauca nost vienu pēc otras. (Dažs vecs, nopietns, jauks kungs tad stāvēja ielas malā un ilgi noskatījās kādas mājas pēdējo brīdi – pajuka putekļu mākonis un jumts lēni nogūla pār sabrukušām sienām, parasti viss lielāko daļu koka. Dažas mājas vēl glāba, atjaunoja, sevišķi mūra mājas, apaļu akmeņu un visādu mūrējumu veidu mājām uzlika jaunus jumtus. Ielā kādu dienu staigāja sieviete un vāca parakstus lūgumam aizkavēt liela Londonas satiksmes ceļa celšanu pāri, cauri, taisni vecajai pilsētas daļai. Dedzīgi to parakstīju, staigāju te tikai pusgadu, gadu, bet šī ieliņa jau bija ieaugusi dzīvē. Vēl brīdi tai varētu ļaut dzīvot. Ar maizes smaržu, ar cieto mazo ābolu smaržu, ar zīmītēm logos, ar stikla konfekšu kārbām pasta mājas logā, ar paradumu teikt – labrīt, kad pircējs ienāk, ar… ar mazo skārni, ļoti smirdīgo gaļas veikaliņu, varbūt bez īsta ledusskapja?
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Darbu tur es sāku kaut kad pēc Ziemsvētkiem. Bet ziema tur gandrīz nekad nenosniga balta. Laiks uzsala un atkusa, bija pelēks, miglains, atkal piesala un turējās rudenīgs. Tumšās pēcpusdienās, kad nakts uznāca ātri, mēs ar Rutu gājām mājās no darba caur parku. Runājām par to laiku, kad dienas stiepsies garākas un vakari kļūs gaiši. Bet jau tad, kad koki vēl bija apledojuši – melni, pelēkmelni, zaļganmelni, ar ledus sudrabu – jau tad es ievedu to kārtību, ka es gāju ar Rutu tikai pusi no sava mājās ejamā ceļa, tikai līdz tiltam pār kanālu, iepretī tirgum, tur es izvēlējos taisno ielu, kas gāja gar parka malu. Es teicu, ka tā mans ceļš iznāk īsāks. Tas pa pusei bija taisnība. Bet es šķīros tur no Rutas, lai varētu iet arī viena. Pirmoreiz tur šķiroties, Ruta atvadījās kaut kā graciozi, sabiedriski delikāti, it kā viņa zinātu un respektētu manu vēlēšanos. Parks bija vientuļš vēl tad, ziemas pilns, un tomēr manā uztverē gandrīz mistisks, dažreiz ar vakara gaismām debesīs, arī ar spuldzēm, kas iedegās. Zināju, ka Rutai tas nelikās nekas ievērojams, lai gan viņa mīlēja kokus un putnus. Viņai bija taisnība. Bet man bija dzīvojams tur tikai pusgads, gads, man vajadzēja uzņemt visu vairāk, daudz vairāk kā iziet tur cauri pa taisnāko celiņu. Parks un viss tur vēl bija sasalis, tukšs, tikai pīles un kāds pīļu barotājs, bet man bija tā, it kā man viss tas būtu jānoiet pēdu pie pēdas, jāuzzin, jāizņem viss no viņa. No apledojušiem kokiem, kuros zem ledus bija pumpuri, sulas, no zemei pielipušas vecas kūlas, kas vērtīsies zālē, no visa tā, kas tur notika ik mirkli, bija noticis tā gadusimtus, diennaktīm cauri. Dažreiz pagājusi pa taisno ceļu, es gāju atpakaļ, meklēju kādu citu, varbūt vistālāko ceļu uz mājām.
Lielā tirgus halle tik vēlās pēcpusdienās vairs nebija piemīlīga, visas divpadsmit ieejas bija noslēgtas dzelzs vārtiem. Caur tiem tukšais tirgus vērtās tumšs un nedraudzīgs. Tirgus dzīvoja tikai divi dienas nedēļā, patiesi tikai divas priekšpusdienas. Tad viņā malās ļaužu straumes kā milzu dzirnavās. Ar savādu, citam no cita pielipušu prieku, aizrautību, lielu apmierinājumu, pat satraukumu. Uz tirgu arī man nebija ejams ar Rutu. Kad mēs atklājām tirgus būdas, es gāju tur kopā ar Antu. Vēlāk arī tur bieži vien – viena.
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Tā bija milzīga siena, sniedzās no vienas ielas līdz otrai, cementa siena – lielas celtnes siena, kur apakšstāvs trīs stāvu augstumā piederēja tirgum, augšstāvi, trīs, cits virs cita – auto ostai. Šai smagajai celtnei tā bija vienīgā solīdākā siena, uz dienvidu pusi, uz apstādījumu laukumu ar strūklaku un tālāk uz veikalu centru. Uz otru pusi bija kolonādes, izbraukšanas, iebraukšanas, uzbraukšanas un nobraukšanas ceļi, uz dienvidu pusi šī siena ar 12 vārtiem, pa kuriem varēja iebraukt augstās smagās mašīnas un netirgus dienās ievest iekšā augļus, kur aiz sienas, starp divpadsmit vārtiem, bija tirgus augļu stendi. Netirgus dienās, pirmdien un ceturtdien, vārti bija vaļā no rīta, pēcpusdienā tie bija noslēgti un klusi – dzelzs režģi, glītu, augšup traucošos zīmējumu, gandrīz kā baznīcā. Tirgus dienās bija vaļā, ne atvērti, bet iebīdīti sienā, gludi un ērti, ļaudis plūda pa divpadsmit atvērtām ejām iekšā un ārā – tirgū. Tā bija pilsētas labākā, lētākā svaigu augļu pirkšanas vieta. Augļu stendi bija tūlīt aiz lielās sienas. Tālāk bija visas citas mantas – drēbes, puķes, kosmētika. Tirgiem, visiem, lieliem, maziem, veclaicīgiem un moderniem, ir savs šarms, sava pievilcība, kādas nav veikaliem. Gaisā ir kaut kāds avantūras un sevišķas tirgošanās gars – varbūt var atrast ko sevišķu, ļoti labu, ļoti retu, ļoti lētu, var arī staigāt pūlī pusdienu un nepirkt neko, piesūkties tikai šī avantūras, tirgošanās gara, iegūšanas izmaņas, naudas iešanas un nākšanas skaņas. Pūlis ir apmierināts, priecīgs, mundrs. Tas pulss dzīvs, bet ne pārpūlēts. Tirgū var ieiet un paklejot, justies piederīgs, vienots ar līdzcilvēku. Tomēr ir kāds noteikums – kabatā jābūt kaut dažiem centiem, tos var arī neizdot, bet tiem jābūt, lai justu piederību pie kopības! Nauda te ir asinis, kas rit caur pūļa dzīslām, spēks, kas dzen, uztur dzīvību – iegūšanu. Šis bija moderns tirgus. Tā bija kolosāla, skaista siena, aiz kuras notika tirgošanās, aiz kuras piektdienās un sestdienās lauzās pūlis. Citās nedēļas dienās siena bija mierīga, tumšpelēka, gozējās gaismā kā savāds, kluss nezvērs, kura dzīve ir neizprotama, tik vienkārša – un tomēr, tomēr… Uz šīs sienas bija dzelzs tvertnes, izliktas simetriski, kurās auga dzīvas puķes. Kas pacēla acis uz tām, kas priecājās par šīm puķēm? Pilsētas dārznieki viņas kopa, tas bija skaidrs, iestādīja tās un izņēma pēc tā, kā mainījās viņu sezona. Siena gulēja kā milzīgs krokodils, apaudzis ar puķēm, viņš pats tās nevarēja aizsniegt un nokost, tam bija jāļauj, lai puķes aug, plaukst, pārzied, sildās saulē uz viņa sāna.
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Kādu dienu Ruta mani aicina, un es aizeju līdz viņai uz viņas dēla māju – uz vecajām dzirnavām, kas nolemtas nojaukšanai. Dzirnavas ir uz kādas attekas vai kanāla, upes tuvumā, pļavu tuvumā, caur kurām nāk upe no laukiem un iet cauri pilsētai. Dzirnavas ir pilsētmalā. Mēs nogriežamies no lielā ceļa un tuvojamies dzirnavām pa apaļu akmeņu bruģi. Dzirnavu ēka skatās pretī no lieliem kokiem abās pusēs. Pa kreisi zem ļoti veca, daudziem resniem stumbriem sazarojuša koka, ir veca smēde, arī, liekas, beigusi savu īsto darbu, pārvērtusies kādā mazā bodītē. Dzirnavas raugās ar lielu, plakanu koka seju, tumšiem nespodriem logiem divos, trīs stāvos. Šī dzirnavu māja liekas celta, arī pārbūvēta vienmēr kāda vientiesīga amatnieka rokām, kam nav bijis nekāda cita nodoma, kā tikai dabūt dzirnavu gaņģus zem jumta, aiz sienām. Māja atgādina sievieti, padzīvojušu, bet kuras vecums nerādās, tāpat kā viņas jaunība nav rādījusies, ne skaistums, tikai kaila lietišķība. Tomēr – tā ir seja, kas valda, valda ne ko citu kā tikai savu dzīvošanu, un ar to kļūst respektējama. Dzirnavnieks nav mājās un dzirnavas ir aizslēgtas. Nav arī lielāku pazinēju šādās lietās. Pa labi no dzirnavu ēkas ir dzirnavnieka dzīvojamā māja, tāpat celta ar visādām piebūvēm, bez cita nodoma, kā tikai – vajadzības dēļ, un tāpat laika nosudrabota kā dzirnavas. Tur mūs gaida ar tēju un maizītēm dzirnavniece un pilna istaba bērnu, no trīs četri līdz divpadsmit – sešpadsmit gadiem. Gultās un krēslos satupušies, tie skatās krāsaina televīzijas aparāta spožos raibumus. Telpa ir maza, nekārtība liela. Varbūt tas tā izskatās daudzo dzīvo bērnu dēļ, bet ir iespaids, ka istabā nav ne soli brīvas, nesajauktas vietas – tur ir drēbes, spilveni, visādas kastes ar spēlēm, spožiem krāsainiem brīnumiem iekšā un ārā uz grīdas, uz galda, uz plauktiem. Pie sienām kādas bildes, šķībi greizi sametušās. Bērni šķiet dīvaini bāli, it kā tie tur no savas pirmās dienas būtu tupuļojuši, kaut ko graužot, kaut ko cilājot no spēļu kastēm iekšā ārā un – skatot televīziju vienmēr no jauna, nepārtraukti. Bērni ir dzīvi, kustīgi diezgan un laipni. Vēlāk tie piedalās arī pie mūsu tējas un cepumu galda otrā istabā, cik to televīzijas programma atļauj – piesēžas šad tad, tad pieņem saujas cepumu un dodas prom. Tas ir dabīgi. Arī citas telpas ir ļoti mazas un ļoti pieblīvētas lietām. Maza tumša virtuvīte, caur kuru mēs ejam apskatīt dārzu, ir kā savāda krāsaina mozaīka, izlikta visādiem grīdas paklāju atgriezumiem, dažādiem linoleju gabaliem, visādiem plastika paklājiem, uzklājiem, piekaramiem. Dārzā ir veci augļu koki, ieauguši lielā zālē, bet tālāk ir dažas sakņu grēdas, par kurām gādā Ruta, jo viņas dzīvoklis ir pilsētā, bez sava zemes stūrīša. Pie sakņu dārza ir arī daži jauni plūmju kociņi, arī Rutas gādībā, aiziet bez sētas savā vaļā aiz lielajiem vītoliem pļavās iekšā.
Pa ceļu uz šo dzirnavu pusi es dažreiz gāju staigāt vēlāk, kad izrakumu darbi bija uz laiku izbeigti. Tur uz dzirnavu pusi ceļš veda gar dīvainām vecām mājām, spīķeriem, senām noliktavām, arī dažiem veclaicīgiem veikaliem, kur kaut ko pārdod, jāzina ko, kad kāds pircējs kādreiz ienāk, bet kur noris kāda cita, svešiniekam nezināma dzīve. Cilvēku dzīve, kur varbūt kāds pasākums izbeidzas, kāds cits sākas un tas nav dzīves valdītājs, valdītāja ir pati dzīvošana. Tur gar dažām sētām, gar ganībām, tukšām pļavas un tīrumu daļām, vecām mājvietām, auga un ziedēja dārza kumelītes.
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Vēlāk, kad es jau biju prom un mēs ar Rutu pārmainījām dažas vēstules (man vienmēr būs prieks saņemt kādas rindas par šo zemes stūri…), Ruta rakstīja, ka viss iet labi, viņai tikai lielas rūpes dara tas, ka viņas dēla dēls precas un viņam nav vēl deviņpadsmit, bet viņa līgavai sešpadsmit gadi. Tie abi, jādomā, bija no tiem neatlaidīgajiem televīzijas skatītājiem, spēļu spēlētājiem. Šī mazā zeme, kas tuvskatā ne brīdi nav maza, varbūt ir kā veca mulda, kur kādā stūrī kas ieskābst, citā sakalst, bet kur arvien no jauna rosās un rūgst ļoti labi ieraugi.
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… Mazais Jangvikas (Young Vic) teātris. Biju viņā reizes desmit divpadsmit pa to laiku. Vēlāk bija tik viegli aizsteigties uz vilcienu un tad caur visādām ejām, mainot apakšzemes vilcienu, skrienot pāri tumšiem laukumiem, ieliņām, ar “mūžīgiem gulētājiem”, mūžīgiem sēdētājiem, visādiem noslēpumainiem tirgotājiem, dažreiz kāds klaidonis, ne viens vien, gulēja uz cementa grīdas, pie cementa staba, bet, kas grib būt mazajā, labajā teātrī, tam ceļš beidzot pavisam taisni vienmēr aizved uz to. Garām Oldvikai. Ja ko iemīl tur, to iemīl no tiesas… Bez tam tikai naktī, mājās nākot, pilsēta ir tāda mazliet baiga, bet varbūt arī pievilcīga, tāda īsta, liela, nežēlīga. Dienā viss ir ļoti vienkārši, pat, ja gadītos citā vilcienā vai neizkāptu vajadzīgā maiņas piestātnē, vienmēr ir vēl laiks un saprotami ceļi, kā nokļūt īstajā vietā. Viss ir viegls piedzīvojums.
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… Un skrienot, bēgot tur, es absolūti nezinu, kāda vara mani vada – vai es kaut ko, ko es gribu, izvēlos jeb es daru sev pretī, vai es cīnos, lai dzīvotu, vai lai nedzīvotu?… Tikai, kad vilciens mani ved caur zaļajiem laukiem, kas kļūst ik brīdi zaļāki, es saprotu, ka es daru to, ko biju nodomājusi darīt – braucu uz Londonu, uz Jangvikas mazo teātri. Braucu labi agri, lai pasēdētu tur mazajā kafejnīcā, kas ir viskailākā, visneiedomājamākā kafejnīca pasaulē. Tā nav kafejnīca. Tas nav teātra foajē. Nav uzgaidāmā elpa kādā stacijā. Nav pagraba dzīvoklīša lielākā istaba. Viss tas kopā tomēr un vēl kaut kas, daudz kas klāt.
Beidzot es esmu tur klāt. Atrodu vietu pie kāda galda. Gandrīz tukša galda. Vēl ir agrs. Pasaule, pa kur es tikko skrēju, bēgu, braucu, kas bija tik dzīva, spēcīga kā kāds vispāri izplēties dzīvs organisms, pazūd.
… Cik te ir labi pie kaila koka galda, uz cieta sola pie mūra sienas, te ir gandrīz kā pie jūras un vēl labāk… Kādēļ tik labi pagrabā, zem kailām spuldzēm? Te silti. Cilvēki plūst apkārt, es esmu visos iekšā. Man pretī kāds apsēžas, kaut ko raksta, svītro, labo burtnīcā. Kafija smaržo. Viņam ir tikai kafija un ābols. Blakus un pretī apsēžas jauna sieviete un vīrietis, viņiem ir kafija un maizītes tāpat kā man. Bet arī man būtu jāmēģina citu reizi tikai kafija un ābols. Vai tikai ābols. Vai tikai kafija. Vai kāda vira bļodiņā. Vai augļu salāti. Te nav viena parauga, kam jāseko. Ja dzīvotu Londonā, varētu nākt te strādāt. Pajumte. Gaisma. Galds. Maize. Kafija un citu tuvums, kas visi dara apmēram to pašu, jūtas tāpat. Tāpat kā tirgus laukumā, tirgū. Tikai tur… Jā, kāda starpība? Tur tāpat strādā, dzīvo, deg… Kas ir – patiesi ko darīt, strādāt? Patiesi kaut ko darīt ir dzīvot. Liekas, cilvēks pretī pie galda ir skolotājs (“tikai skolotājs”…) – labo burtnīcas. Burtnīcas ar visiem zīmējumiem, bērnu ilustrācijām. Zilas. Līdz izrādes sākumam viņš paveiks labu daļu no tām. Cilvēku sanāk arvien vairāk, bet ne vēl tik daudz, ka būtu jāatbrīvo vieta pie galda.
Mazais aktieris iziet caur pūli. Neviens viņam neuzbāžas ar ievērību, pagriežas ar smaidu, lai viņš var iziet atpakaļ aizskatuves telpās ar savu kafijas tasi.
Labi būt ar aktieri tādās attiecībās. Viņš viens no mums – dzīves darbinieks… Tuvs, kā uz skolas sola. Redzēju viņam sviedrus plūstot pār seju, kakla dzīslu pulsējam viņa ļoti grūtajā lomā pagājušā reizē. Tā bija pirmā smagākā loma, kurā viņš redzēts. Viņš, mazs kā spole, šaudījās pa skatuvi, radīja lielu vēlēšanos, lai viņš būtu labs, ļoti labs savā lomā. Tikai raudāšana viņam iznāca jocīgi. Mazliet neticamas skaņas. Bet cik raudāšana tagad vispār var būt ticama? Šī mazliet neizdevusies raudāšana, šķiet, bija tieši viņa lielākais panākums. Aktieri te nāk tik tuvu skatītājam dažreiz, ka kļūst neizbēgami īsti saskatīties, dalīties ar prieku par acumirkli, dalīties ar spēles cīņu. Estragons pienāca tik tuvu, šķielēja it kā nekaunīgi šķībi acīs, tik valdonīgi – ar to vien tas kļuva īsts Londonas, lielpilsētas, šīs dzīves klaidonis, cits Estragons kā Sidnejas studentu teātrī. Estragons, ne kāds cits tēls, nevar būt viens un tas pats citā pilsētā, citā zemē, citā laikā, cita aktiera ķermenī.
Iesāpas mazliet galva gaidot. Nedrīkst par daudz domāt. Vēl gara izrāde. Tad iešana pa tumsu. Pār mazo, savādo laukumu ar sēdētājiem un stāvētājiem. Trīs vilcieni. Iešana, ļoti ātra iešana gar tukšajām koledžas celtnēm, pa apstādījumiem, gar tukšo tirgu, kanālmalu, pazemes eju, šaurajām ieliņām, gar baznīcu, caur kapsētu…
—————-
Tā, šī nedēļa ir bijusi savādāka, kā to cerēju. Esmu sasaiņojusi savas lietas. Un esmu izsaiņojusi sevi ārā no šīs pilsētiņas. Eju gandrīz slapstīdamās, baidoties satikt tos, no kuriem esmu atvadījusies. Maza ir iespēja, ka satikšanās no jauna tagad, tikko pēc atvadīšanās, nestu prieku. Dzīve ir notikumi. Dzīve ir dzīvošana uz priekšu. Mana ir apstājusies. Kaut kas ir aizkavējis tās ceļu, kur tai jāiet. Te tai vairs nav jāiet. Šī visa apkārtne gatavo notikumus, kam nav daļas ar mani. Apstādījumos uzrok puķu dobes, ņem saknes ārā, glabās nākamam pavasarim, liek citus stādus, ziemciešu stādus dobē. Tas viss norit kā aiz stikla, tas negatavojas man, neņem mani līdzdalībā. Jā, es pārstaigāju vēl dažas vietas, bet viss ir aizvēris kādas jūtamas durvis. Šinīs dienās es uzzinu, nojaušu, ka tā būtu mirušo gariem, ja tiem būtu ļauts staigāt vēl zemes virsū. Būtu ļoti garlaicīgi. Cik ilgi kāds, cik ilgi kas var sāpēt par pagājušo? Likums ir iet uz priekšu. Ja ne citādi – gulties, apklust akmenī, sabirst smiltī, izgarot. Nevar sēdēt parkā uz sola. Tad jābūt solam. Tam sava dzīve – vējš, lietus, zvirbuļi lēkā apkārt, kāds nāk un pasēž. Un aiziet. Dzīve ir iešana, nākšana un iešana.
Grāmatas bibliotēkā atdotas. Jaunas nav jāņem. Mūzikas grupā notis atdotas, otra koncerta otro klavieru partiju spēlēt uzņēmies cits – Sallija vai Pēteris. Iepirkšanās centrā nav ko vērot – viss, kas tur krājas un notiek, vairs nav vajadzīgs. Var aizbraukt vēlreiz uz Londonu, uz Jangviku, bet liekas – tie atkārto to pašu lugu šinīs dienās.
Migranta dzīve visur visu laiku ir mazliet spoka dzīve – pa pusei dzīve, bet tai var likt un jāliek un liek pāri lielo cerību, uzdevumu dzīvošanu nākamām dzīvēm.
Pastaigāju kaut kur vēl pa nomales ieliņām, pasēžu vēl kaut kur kādā slēptākā solā, pavēroju kādu mūri, bet tas viss ir tik maz, tik lieks, kā tas ir – pielikt kaut kur vēl kādas sīkas detaļas nobeigtai gleznai.
Tā bija skaista vasara. Tā ir skaista pilsētiņa. Kādreiz te atgriezties garāmbraucot, būtu… Nezin, kas tas būtu.
[sketch of Calgary house, ground floor — early 90’s]
Monday 17. October 94. [from Dzidra]
Dear Both, [Erna & Inese]
I’m sitting in the mall at Bondi Junction — in a right funny mood. Yesterday I came back from Wyong — they had their birthday reunion — Wyong High is 50 years old. It’s the first time I’ve set foot on the place in 31 years. My last (and only) previous reunion was in 88 — an evening function at the Wyong race club — & that’s where I saw our mob for the first time in 25 years. This time only Sonia Lupis, Yvonne Ralph, Annette Kirkwood, Michael Britt and Greg Collins from my class were there — others were there from my year — from other classes… and of course many older & younger ex-pupils. I went up on Friday & Annette & I stayed in a flat owned by a friend of her’s who lives in West Gosford — someone who used to go to Gosford High — whom Annette knew through what she called “Rural Youth” — though in the times before that used to be called Junior Farmers. — I guess the name changed way back then when I was at school. Hildegarde (!) the owner of the flat had gone up to Queensland hours before I arrived so I did not meet her — & we had the flat to ourselves.
The flat is entirely new — all in white & lovely — but it’s in a factory — actually in an industrial area part of a “Mini Storage” company — so we were not to open the blinds to let people know there was a flat there… Not that the view would have been great — still I find drawn blinds oppressive. But the flat was utterly gorgeous –glass & steel furniture — white with more white & more white… So that was good. Annette & I went to the school on Friday evening — to the “Multi-purpose hall” — i.e. the basketball/assembly/theatre hall etc… It had the walls laid out with photocopies of mainly occasional photos from school magazines. The of you, Inese — & your 5 year class all dressed up for the formal was there — as well as your 4th year class — names like Barry Banks, Peter Goosie, Phillip Alt, Ken Saladine, Tony Bootle, Geof Davies, Ian Sinclair, David Gear, David Avery (who apparently went out with Annette when they both worked in Turton’s Pharmacy on the corner — which is now a takeaway/fish cafe…) David, Jenkins, Peter Bracy, Laurel Webster, Val Edmonds, Johanna Harmston, Charmaine Cameron, Kerry Barrell, Lindsay King-Adams, Zoe Morris, Bev Hungerford, Alezandra? Aggafonoff !, Fay Murray, Ann Simmons, Elaine Say, Sylvia Felgate, Thelma Fergusson — not that these people were there in person.
But as I explored the school, in one room someone was behind the table with some old school magazines & paper cuttings — & a woman was looking at the ones of your year — so I asked her if she was from that year — she wasn’t — but the man by the table — when I said I was your sister, started meaningfully telling me that he knew you well & you were very close — I asked whether he had taught you — he said — protested — that he was not that old — but he turned out to be Noel Gambril!! Who had “Gone Out” with you — & obviously remembered you fondly. He was attractive… big broad face — I took a photo — haven’t seen it yet — will send it — but even as I took it & he posed rather stiffly I felt it would not get across the true effect of the man. He was really quite delicious. I showed him that photo of you, mum, me & Gary Leaman — where you, Inny are looking toward us — almost profile — Noel instantly said you haven’t changed at all. I went through with Neil Gambril — he must have been in other classes — but I think in 4th year — maybe 5th — he was with us — & he ended up marrying Dawn Johnson who was our Captain… had 3 kids & just LAST week Neil ran odd with a 22 year old — & Dawn was in Sydney (down from Lithgow where they had lived — not taking it very well at all). Noel himself introduced me later to his little wife of 25 years — they’ve 3 kids — saw them too — an odd lot. The mother’s got a funny comic face — one of the kids was quite overweight. A mottled country lot of bumpkins — while Noel himself had a tall, broadfaced pleasant presence. As we talked — he thought I looked wonderful — he remembered me as a little thing (was I ever?) & he said something about us living up on a hill. Did he ever visit?? Did you ever have boyfriends allowed to visit??!!!? I remember a visit by “Louis” Botham & that platinum pen (he was not there this time) & thence only Imants in Uni years. And I bumped into the Jacksons — who remember you getting them “very drunk” in Canada.
Saw a Mr. Foster who I probably had for geography — for which I got an A in the Leaving but who was so FORGETTABLE that when I saw him with the Jacksons (whom I had NOT been taught by) seemed more familiar to me than Mr. Foster… Quite odd, I really did not remember him (& was probably taught by him for 2 years. It’s truly odd how it all works.)
AND I saw Mr. Woodward! Joan (ex-Gardiner — still his wife) had talked to me earlier when she saw my name tag — though she would not have been sure which Dzelme I was. She’s short, chinless, dumpy little woman with almost a short back & sides — but utterly friendly & sweet. She was organizing nametags etc. Dick was a vision — craggy & crusty — a lifetime of alcohol abuse & smoking — but behind that physical damage he was still quoting poetry. He is actually a poet — another book coming out later this year he thinks. I’ll try to get copies of the first one too. He asked for my address — I thin I’ll send him a copy of Artava — so he’ll be sure to send his book. (I say!)
On the Saturday night was a buffet dinner for $25 & he came to our table. I know he was wanting to talk to me — his memories of you 3 — he doesn’t know what happened to Laurel & wishes he did, & doesn’t know what happened to Charmaine but pointedly said whatever she’s doing, she’s sure to be DOING WELL — the implication being that he utterly saw her as a Go Getter. — However Yvonne Ralph sat between Dick & me & monopolized the conversation — Dick had gone to Newcastle Boys High in his day — & though Yvonne only went one year to Newcastle Girls — she still lives in Newcastle now & was able to namesdrop & was busily engaged in an impress the teacher conversation — I think she is my Charmaine! She actually went out with Don Cameron in those days — and was approved by the Camerons. She herself married a man 10 years older, changed her name to Fran — & had 4 kids — & her car salesman husband is now earning bonus overseas trips for them both which she, a little wryly was telling us about — she’s down to earth enough to acknowledge the trips she chatted about are freebees — & still had a “name dropping” way of talking about them. I noticed at one point that her skirt was trembling — & it brought back memories that while on one level she always had us envious of her tall good looks & “style” — on another there was this thread of neurotic highly strungness… & in general what already struck me in 1988 was how all those mannerisms that were there in us as kids — gestures, facial expressions, sounds of voices etc etc — were all still there now… SO STRONGLY… And Dick likes an audience. There were so many people at the event — near a thousand — that they coped with it by having 3 levels — top was the youngest — our level was in the middle — & the older pupils were downstairs. When Dick found our table he said he had come up from downstairs because he got sick of their conversations which were about bank balances…! And somehow he was young at heart — and it made me wonder if those of us who came — were also all somehow “young at heart”…
Teena did not come — she did in 88 — but even then her once black hair was totally white & undyed — even back then — & while she looked sweet & lovely in a withdrawn sort of way — somehow her demeanour was of a little old lady. Her husband Greg Collins who was also in our class — who loved her all those years & finally won her after some reunion which I never got to want back when I was in Art School in Newcastle — still looks like a boy — his hair has not greyed — his face is smooth… Reunions are apparently no Teena’s thing — while Greg likes them….
…[section about old school friends and their lives now]
On Sunday, Michael Britt had offered me a lift home — so Annette and I did a loop through Erina — called in on the Mumfs [Mumfords]. Doreen was at the door with her leg on a stool, in bandages — waiting for her twice weekly call from the district nurse to change the dressing on the ulcers on her shins. John is actually in hospital because he had an operation on an arthritic heel which was successful — even though it took a long long time to heal — some toes, which had been mildly infected — got worse after the foot doctor fiddled there — and mountains of antibiotics have not helped — and now they are going to see if they can get rid of the infection or whether he’s going to have to lose his big toe — which is the balance toe… Doreen (who was utterly weird & in better spirits than I’ve sometimes seen her — maybe that was the effect of Annette’s presence & that our conversation also covered the reunion…) has also had hip & knee operations — & while they are all “fine” she walks only with a walking stick & a heavy limp… and reduced eyesight — & cannot go downstairs to do the laundry — and is worried about the people who come to help… worried about them being trustworthy… & now that John’s in hospital someone has to come & stay overnight in case she falls etc…
[John and Doreen Mumford]
She seems to think John’s a bit “confused” — last year when he was in hospital for a hip replacement — he packed his stuff & tried to get out of bed & go home before the hip was properly set — & at some stage misunderstood some nurse’s saying about Doreen — who was having her own leg roubles — being unable to visit or she’d be in hospital herself — & John understood it as Doreen being in hospital & so John tried to leave his own hospital bed to go looking for Doreen. When they had to redo the hip operation because he’d caused it to not heal correctly — they strapped him into the bed in his recovery time & now the hip is OK. I have not seen him myself — I don’t know whether his mental state is truly “confused” or just mishearing & anxiety etc etc. Anyway — they don’t yet know about the toe.
So the weekend was a picture of life — many have died — old teachers, pupils — others have married — had kids etc etc. There seemed to be the attitude — though that may be by “older” people — that Hec Egger was THE principal of Wyong High — and that Era was the heyday of Wyong High — after that there was apparently some wimp… HOWEVER — the current guy is electric! […]
[…] What I really enjoyed was the extended I had up there — Friday, Saturday — & just the drive past the Mumfs & past the old farm too — we are no longer Berkeley Vale in that area — Berkeley Vale (which has its OWN HIGH SCHOOL — the Entrance High is 20 years old) — grew so big that our side of that road to Wyong is called GLENNING VALLEY!!
…[section of update info about old neighbours…]
Yet another mansion is being constructed in the valley between Bromwiches’ [Joe] and Earls’… one already exists there, back up on the hill. The site of Arnie Night’s [“Sweetpotato”] former shack has a long modern brick building… Divide and build seems to be the only ethic. Just now — Gardiner’s store in Wyong — is closing down. It has kept going all these years. The only store which still is as was — is Spencer’s! And Michael Britt’s mum said that still if you want something — some button or trinket — you go to Spencer’s! Peter’s Cafe is still there too… The old store where Mum used to order her “self-raisng floor” doesn’t function as such any more.
So! It’s been a delightful time!
[…] I came back to Sydney to find my flatmate had partially coped with a broken tap washer on the hot water kitchen tap… she had not called the plumber […] now leaking again […] she had ruined some tiles which I’d had just replaced… [section on continuing problems with renters, etc…]
The desensitizing nose drops I’ve been taking now for more than 18 months ran out & through the nurse being away & then me being away I haven’t been on them for a month — so I was retested today — the allergies to all the pollens & dust mite have not reduced at all & I will restart the drops today. I’ve interrupted the nasal spray which just makes breathing easier while Miško’s away. Breathing capacity is much like it always was — but proneness to a runny nose when I’m dealing with dust or cleaning up seems to have been greatly reduced. So maybe eventually the breathing in general will improve — could take several years — drops cost $16 a bottle made to my needs according to my response to the tests — a bottle lasts more than a month I think… I’m not in a fund so I don’t get that money back.
[…] [I have]to continue trying to fix the brick paving in my back yard [etc…]… such a big job [etc…]
[…] and yet life with its constant interruptions is reaching the pint where I simply have to start doing art work somehow — even if some of this other reorganization/doing period is not properly over.[…]
Tuesday.
…[more about renter problems…]
Love, Dzidra
————–
Tuesday 4th? July 95 [to Inese from Dzidra]
Dear Inny,
[Note on top] This is to clear stuff out of the way — & as such will reek of exaggeration etc — I don’t mean to DUMP — it’s just unsaid stuff […] The slides at last. […]
[…] Partly I didn’t send them [slides] more quickly too is that I really wanted to send a letter — about all that visit — all the stuff it brought up… When I mentioned to Mum that I wanted to write you a letter about all my reactions to Nelson [right] & the effect I perceived him having on your life — good, bad & indifferent — & how that affected my behaviour — Mum got all paranoid & said that you had settled back into life & were OK & were spending much time with Nelson & she did not want to upset you.
As the month wore on I actually felt that original desire to write & explain myself begin to dissipate — now what I’m left with is some sort of feeling of sadness & distance between you & me… Not traumatic, not awful or major — just a sort of resignation. All along I think I have had a sort of — I don’t know how to describe it — a sort of belief in, attachment to — you & mum — my two only real “relatives” (and of course Talis — but that’s different) & I actually, over my trips to Canada — & mainly the one in 1984 — learned that you & mum did not experience that relatedness in the same way. Of course in fact I have NO idea how you two feel — but what it seemed like to me is that both of you feel jealous about the other woman in your family in regard to your men — maybe that was the only difference between us — because I’m sure that in all other ways you are as “related” & bonded as I am — but that jealousy — especially in 1984 — from both of you (Mum had that love interest in Banff Centre that she imagined I was interested in — & I didn’t even know who it was!!! — while I played out my flirtation with John Roche? was that his name?
When you visited England way back I once remember Clive sort of flirting with you — more like trying to stroke your ego in order to win your approval — & I remember my internal reaction was sort of mild annoyance that HE should behave like that — never that I should fear you. Like THAT was beyond my range of possible — possibility!
But Mum, in 1984, absolutely understood your jealousy about Nelson & relating it to her own jealousy of Austra in her youth — who knows — if I’d had a younger sister I might have had similar feelings… all those dynamics come into it…
Anyway to this day — your telling me in no joking manner, & repeating it, emphatically — that if I ever touched Nelson you would kill me — was probably the most alienating experience of my life. When Mum left Wyong it was all camouflaged in her own allergies & impossibility of relationship with Dad — I did not feel it at the time as abandonment of me. When I found that I wasn’t even recorded as dad’s daughter in his will — sort of NON-EXISTENT — still somehow — perhaps surprisingly — I did not register it as personal — it was DAD! — with all that stuff about the camera, & my lifelong fear of & alienation from him. I’d had plenty of reasons in fact — to be jealous of you in our teenage years when you were the belle in everyone’s eyes — & I was the gawky, uglier, ungainlier, larger kid — but somehow that, as a result of all that unformedness — would have been truly absurd. I continued a private battle of not anyone see my profile (and try facing everyone in the world at once) — and covering my broken wrist bone & not loving my body… but you were off & away out of my world for the most part… & life went on.
Only later — much later years — I realized that you hadn’t bought Mum’s line of making Dad the enemy — I bought it hook line and sinker and somehow imagined an un breachable alliance between “The Dzelme Women” as YOU once put it — v. Dad. That’s what I needed to do to “deserve” Mum’s love, I guess.
Anyway All of it was a fallacy — a fantasy. Mum had her own agenda/history regarding you — & hence she has a fear-based relationship with you. And that produces both irritation and fear in you in return. Don’t imagine I think love is missing — Oh no… love is fierce… in all directions — always has been… I went on to have a similar relationship with Talis — fierce love distorted into fear — provoking his irritation & also fear. I know that that is why Talis has gone on to find another mother — with whom he has an entirely easy love relationship — they rubbish each other & love each other etc without that edge of fear which has despoiled ours. What was sobering for me in this visit was to see that that, between you & Mum — has not shifted all your long lives. I thought with me & Talis — that as he grew to adulthood & that immediate responsibility for his wellbeing etc — would fade, that our relationship would recover. That I would learn to accept him as he is, and that edge would soften… Severe, you said of yourself in photos. — I wouldn’t worry at all about your appearance — it’s great — stunning at times — but as a person you terrify Mum & me.
How it arose I have no idea — but I am not terrified of Mum — & for that too I feel deeply grateful. My relationship with her is something that I treasure as one, in this world of assorted relationships — as fearless! And it IS surprising — because — though that has manifested more in our adult years — maybe most in 1984-5 — when I saw her treating you with such kid gloves that time when we were frightened about your smoking etc. in Banff — whatever we fought about Mum defended you as though I was the big bad attacker of her precious one. So I had some subsequent indignation to deal with — some “what-the-fuck-about-me” because there was a weird twist in it — it was obvious that Mum disapproved of both your drinking & smoking — & yet she was driven to defend you no what you did — & I was acutely aware that had our situations been reversed she could not have defended me thus. It has taken subsequent trips to understand the complicated dynamic there — & to utterly be grateful that though my ego was bruised in some of those interchanges — what I have as a profound, “fearless” relationship with her is worth the world to me — & how repulsed I am by my own distorted strain around Talis & how the only way I can deal with it at the moment is to not spend much of my life (almost zero time) in his company. But having had that one profound safe relationship with Mum makes me know what that is like — & I know that I want it in my intimate relationship (i.e. Miško) forever. With Clive the relationship turned to fear AFTER he started fucking Gaye & left. From then on it was some sort of trying to deserve love… & provoking irritation as a result. Nasty thing in my relationship with Miše is that it tends a little the other way — his fearing losing me merging into fearing me — provoking my irritation — and I fight it & fight it — because I don’t believe that is a healthy basis for a relationship.
I know you fight against it too, with Mum… she absolutely sees how good you are — she’s almost incredulous & deeply grateful of how you have looked after her & all her needs & STUFF after the stroke — she SEES how selfless you are, how you’d do anything — she knows she should not be terrified of you…
You had the capacity to see that Dad needed love… I didn’t see it then — I saw only his bluff. But it’s true that one of the most moving “Course” experiences for me happened during “Insight II” in what I think was 1982… We had to pick partners — mine was a man about 10 or more years older than me. That partner then became for me each parent in turn — & I told them all I hadn’t told them in real life — & it was a blowout — I mean an amazing revelation for me. With Dad I “got in touch with” my unexpressed love for him — it actually registered more like pity — I at that moment understood his “weak-ness” & literally offered him my strength — & the physical sensation I experienced was pain in the front of the chest which is supposed to indicate unexpressed love. With “Mum” I felt pain in my back — which means unexpressed anger — & for the first time I actually got in touch with anger at her — I can’t remember exactly what I said — but it was totally strange experience of being/feeling anger at her. And both those exchanges helped my relationships with the real Dad & Mum ever since. With Dad what I hadn’t managed by the time he died was to be able to listen to him — without rejecting, without judging — just to be there for him. I did my best in those last meetings — some of this being in touch with the love rather than just the fear had begun… but certainly it had much longer to go…
… With Talis [etc…]
… So — Nelson [etc…]
Anyway the long history of Nelson — way back in ’84 when Mum defended you no matter what — that also included her dislike of this maybe male who yet was not being in a proper relationship then as you yourself wanted then… and yet Mum also has this other side where she thinks we should all treat our men like superior beings.. and something to fear too… — a distinct giving over of power… So doesn’t matter how unhappy you are — or how objectionable they are — they are still somehow to be treated with… in practice… reverence. That’s not actually the word I want. Anyway — the cruel twist of all this is that I found Nelson close to unbearable…his childish manner… [etc…] … Yes we all rationalized — every woman has her mothering needs — even women with children often mother their spouses… & isn’t a man’s ideal woman a mixture of madonna & whore!? — & you Hs plenty of mothering energy to give. As sister in that old mode of we women-are-one I wished, & mum did too — that he also needed you to express some of that whoring side! I say we felt his inability to nurture you that way near enough as keenly as you did… […etc]
[…] I know the jealousy stuff intimately — when I described my feelings about sisters & family — I thought in my childish fantasy way — till 1985 — that family was off territory — like “BUT OF COURSE it’s like that”… That was a big shock to my system — that even family was not safe according to you & mum. […] Jealousy is fierce & a destroyer — & to be struggled with. […] Miško has it — I have it — with family I learned that the one “safe” territory was denied me (I could have found that out earlier if we’d all lived in the one country) — I held the illusion for so long because it was never put to the test — & that’s why it’s shattering was so — shattering… And in another way — or rather the way I dealt with it was to treat it as a mistake — that the true order of things is — you don’t ever do dirt on your family — & that’s still what I’d live by — with the puzzled loneliness that those same “family” don’t necessarily fell the same way.
…[Nelson etc… including Latvia trip…etc…]
If you think Mum could cope with this letter — feel free to give it to her — if not, not. It’s really for you — but it’s a fart to have to write twice… & you are not the same person.
[…some current news…]
xxx Dz
P.S. Sorry about Louana [leaving work] — no it does NOT mean you don’t go away — I want you BOTH with Nelson — to come visit … it will be wonderful.
————-
[No date] [Card from Dzidra]
Salut Nelson
I hear you’re really a very nice person. Me too. Au revoir y’all bientôt
Dzidra
[Drawing of hand waving white flag from behind spruce trees]
—–
August 3 [year?] [Inese to Dzid]
[…] Nelson got your card — laughed — said that it was your “war” no his — so, no problem — Much love — see you soon.
Inese & Mum
————-
From Dzidra 3.11.95 [Postcard] [Australia — on horseback. James Northfield c. 1888-1973]
Nu redziet kādas kartiņas atkal pārdod! Today it’s the first muggy day — so far it has been cool & clear — hardly any sign of summer. I’ve just been for a swim at Bondi Junction in the pool, followed by an enormous cheap meal… today I’m supposed to paint… but it’s not happening. When are you coming here?? By the time you come our magnificent tree will be “removed” — it’s a crying shame — but the neighbour is threatening me with his plumbing costs. Much much love xxxDz.
—————–
[The following are letters that were sent by fax – the first is still written on the computer with very large type, the rest, written by hand – some wandering all over the page because her eyesight was almost gone. Do not have dates, but all in the mid to late 1990s]
Mīļā Dzidriņ, mums patreiz ir silta ziema un mēs jūtamies labi. Inese ved mani staigāt gandrīz katru dienu un tas ir labi, varu justies o.k. Savā pēdējā faxā Tev, biju noskaitusies uz Tavu grāmatu, kas ieteicot šķiršanos, tikko ir nesaprašanās. Par ātru nav labi aizskriet, jo mēs mainamies, viss var mainīties, ir jāpaciešās un jāapdomā. Par Tavu dzīvi… es neko nezinu ko teikt, Tev pašai viss jāizgudro un jādara. Skaties, redzi cilvēkus, Tu esi brīva darīt kā domā būs labāk, Tu vēl esi jauna un stipra diezgan, nebaidies neko. Par šejieni nav daudz ko teikt, viss ir tāpat kā agrāk. Es jau gaidu, kad Tu varēsi braukt šurp, un vai jūs brauksiet abi ar M, tad jums ir jau jāsāk gudrot kad un kā visu izkārtot. Ja Miško nevar tik ilgi palikt te, kā Tu viņš var palikt īsāku laiku.
————————————-
Dearest Dzid –
I am wishing you and Mishko Merry Xmas and a very good and happy New Year. We suddenly have a very cold weather – our days are now not merry at all – haha! For 3 days we were sitting inside, then Inese took me for a short walks. I cannot walk alone, its slippery and uneven roads from much snow – the roads got a little better – people work to clean them, but the cold keeps going. It really spoils our holiday – and I am not strong at all – but I try to survive, drink warm water with lemon, drink carrot juic, Ines is making, and still feel to week – but hope, hope…
Be happy!! Love M.
[note from Inese at bottom] Happy happy Xmas + New Year – may all your problems be solved + wishes be true. Inese
———————————–
1.3.96 [card]
Dearest Mama!
Today we walked around Sydney — Inese also gave her Latvian rings (jewellery) to Ivars Birze to get them fixed — and then we went to Circular Quay & saw an exhibition & bookshops — & went up the tallest building Centrepoint — & had lunch at the Rocks… — & walked all the way home. It was a lovely day — & the weather was NOT hot… Tomorrow I will vote in government elections… & will go to Paddington Markets —
How are you?? It’s so lovely having Inese here!! Ida rang & we will see her on Thursday & she will show me how to make a Fondue!!
[Photo: Miško and Inese]
Much love xxxxxx Dz
—————-
Thursday 7.3.96 [card]
Dearest Mama,
Hi! Yesterday the Commonwealth bank sent a notice asking you to bring your bank book — There had been $78.91 in it since 1989 — and instead of interest — in 1994 they introduced a new rule that every account which has less than $500 in it is charged $2 per month!!!! So they handed me back the book with only $38.65 in it!!! Bastards. So Inese said we should close the account to stop losing any more money — so if you can send back this withdrawal form — fill it all in — account number is 108*** — the amount in words is thirty eight dollars 65c. — I’ll fill that in now… — You just sign it — & we’ll stop them taking more money away!!! I talked on the phone with you today — we’re going to visit Ida — it’s warm and sunny.
[Dz]
[Photo: Visit to Ida with Inese — for fondu]
——————–
[13.3.96]
[Imants drove Inese & Dzidra to visit the house at the old farm in Berkeley Vales and the beaches in the area, where they grew up]
—————–
Sat. 11.5.96 [sent by fax]
Dear Both, [Erna & Inese]
All your faxes came through OK — the writing on the sides all fitted fine.
So now I’ll wait till Joanna moves out in 4 or 5 weeks — then look for someone new (not so easy in Winter time) — just like Joanna many people go travelling to warmer climates leaving many empty flats — and those staying in Sydney don’t move much in the cold months. At the moment the weather is wonderfully warm — still like summer.
Everyone’s birthday soon — Miško AND his oldest son Viktor are on May 16, Miško’s mother on May 17 (she’ll be 64, Viktor will be 16, Miško will be 41). Then me on the 21st — how old do I feel?? I really don’t know.
[Photo: Miško’s father, Viktor, Dzidra, Mikško, his mother]
Miško and I still fight and love & fight and love… Storms in teacups, mostly. Today, later, he will pick me up & the whole family will visit one of his Macedonian couples — with one young 6 year old… So I will sit again among Macedonian babble, with the occasional English word thrown my way.
{Drawing to illustrate the typical visiting situation}
Love, Dz xxx
Did you get this fax once or twice?
—————-
22 july
Dearest Dzid!
How are you? How is your health, how is your work? Can you do it quietly? Can you do it happily? My advise, do it just as you like it, do not make it so much for the eyes of your boss as for yourself – then it will turn out well and artfull too! We have some summer days – some pretty hot, but so far – I survive o.k.
Nelson made a nice dinner for Iny and me – it was really nice, with spices from India. He had found a shop, who ended to work and sold cheep its spices and recepies too. Inese went too there, and bought bagful of spices and recepies. We will try out them, when you come. Are you happy to come? will you have time to prepare yourself for the long trip and relax before it?
I hope you will be able to arrange it all in time. How is Miško [below right]? How is your new roommate? Will you be able to leave without worries? I hope so!
Take it easy. Good luck for your work, fax or phone to us!. Xxxxx M.
——————-
.
.
[winter of 1996-7]
Dearest Dz. + Mi.
How is the kitchen developing? Good wishes to it! [Right: Mishko in newly renovated kitchen]
Here – winter, the snow till the ears! The garden all under ‘kupenas’! but nevertheless all is functioning! Nelson had his 45th birthday – in the office – the cake. Here only a better supper – chicken + weget. Then at Nelsons a little party – Inese, Stefany. [Below left: Inese and Nelson]
I am miserable as before – now also cannot go for walks because of the snow. Inese will take me for walk one day… My feet were awfully swollen from the hard, white shoe. Inese massaged them every day – till is better now. She also reads the book about the liver – I do not eat butter or meat (a little of the chicken so…) Inese is very patient and good to me, so I can live and try to survive.
Nothing new to tell you! Be happy! Be patient and – good luck to you and Miško! Xxx M.
———————–
[no date — spring 1997?]
[letter very much all over the place on the page]
Dear Dzid!
Your fax letter is here, ok! So you fax mashine works. I do not know how well I will send the fax answer, it is hard to know how well I will be able to make the long line of numbers for the address. I can not see what I am doing, how precize I can fax the numbers. – But I will try.
We are living happy together, going even out sometimes.
Inese bought a new car – used stashion wagon quite fine. Swedish product [Volvo]. It is light silver color.
Ok – that what is new in this life here – otherwise all the same – work and live only! My heart does not make much trouble, exept – I have no much ‘spēka’ and sometimes cannot sleep. Well I – survive so far.
Be happy! M.
———————————–
[1997?]
Happy Easter!
Cannot see a thing!…
Inese + Nelson [right] are away to Lake Louise for a brunch (some connection of business). I am alone surrounded by chocolates – a chockl. hair [hare], some chokl. eggs, Oh Henry… Good.
It is warm and sunny but it makes me very blind… other wise – am OK!
Inese has been very busy – a Japanaise lady (friend from Banff) visited Inese on her way to New York. Then send the same way 2 of her children and one of their friend – all teenagers. Inese had to meet them on airport, keeps them over the night… otherwise we are very quiet. Stefany made a cake for Ineses birthday light and good with berries… Be happy and come for visit!! Sorry I cannot much see what I write…
Xxx M.
[Erna’s birthday wishes for Inese — felt pen sketches]
———————–
[No date — fall 1997?]
[to Dzidra]
Just now got your fax!
Talis has have success and won the buttle. Now – with good luck and confidence in himself, he may build his young life happily! Good luck to him! I am so happy about him! It really is a good day in all this cold winter here. For a time I can breathe easily.
Be happy Tālis! Be happy Dzid! The kitchen you can rebuild many times – this was one of the times when Tālis dreams and confidence was built! Go confidently and happily now, Tālis, in your new life! Wishing you long happy success. Gr.ma.
—————————–
[letter very much all over the place on the page]
[December 1997]
Dear ones! Happy Xmas.
Dzidra, I got the boots you send – yesterday, but I still had not tried them on. I am using my old white big shoes when I go outside, they are ok for walking. Now I go out only with Inese taking my hand, it is icy and slippery. Nothing is better with me, my eyes are bad, my heart is weak, but the pains from my fall has gone! I wonder why I do not feel much better now? But seems I recover, only slowly.
Inese is very busy, they have more work before Xmas. Sometimes they, Inese + Nelson, take me out for dinner. Nelson also made a little movable desk at my chair – to read. But lately I do not read so much, I watch TV, I play piano for little moments – I just kill my time. The dandilions you sent us – Inese cooked – and I eat them a little. I think my liver is not too bad. All the best to you.
.
——————–
[1998]
[Walks and pauses in all weathers…]
How are you? Was the zolītes game OK? That is good that you made some social thing! Me and Inese we were for supper to Petra (Ines friend) and my too lately. It was very nice evening. Now from Xmas, we have a very cold weather. Inese still takes me for little walks so I survive OK. Now the last 2 days are warmer, about 15-20 under 0 – inside is pleasantly warm. Tonight Inese and Petra went to a new film about Titanic.
————————-
[one of last letters, probably 1999]
Dear dear Dzidra!
How much I miss you! How much I would like to see you here again. But, the world is big… My eyes get more bad I can not see to read even my name on the letter. I still to try to make the scrabble to keep the word in my mind. How beautiful you were here, Dzidra, my dear dearest Dzidra.
Inese is very good to me. She is busy preparing the gloves for the exhibition. Much work it takes!! Life goes… I am useless. But I am still here… And I am still strong in a way.
Be happy, dear Dzidra. Be happy, eat well… M.
.
.
.
.
.
.
—————-
12.11.99 [from Dzidra]
Dear Inese,
Sending you this letter — I talked on the phone to Robert Smith — he has a copy of the book Latvian artists in Australia where mum & I appear. They are soon to be up to the Dz’s — in about Jan/Feb, he thinks. So, since it’s this enormous academic work — all artists of “note” anywhere!!! — visual — but if you give 2 “public” access places where mum’s pictures are — schools count — I know she had pieces for years on the walls of Berkeley Vale Public School — and she may have a piece in Latviešu Nams in Sydney? I could even donate a piece by her & one by me — Maybe mum’s got pieces elsewhere?? I mentioned to him she’s a writer now. He said to lost her exhibitions & give account of her writing activities… all would be added. But she needs 2 public venues & 2 solo shows… I’m sure she had more than that in her day. Make up the dates! Anyway — the deadline is not a few weeks as mentioned in the letter — but a few months.
Mamai —
Lapas no “tava” koka Centennial Parkā, ko pabražot, pasmaržot. [Leaves included with letter]
Home and having supper – then, Mum got dizzy & it didn’t go away (after 7) – took her to lie down on carpet – still no good – then, she sitting up – sat her on chair – her speech incoherent – called hospital, no help – called 911 & they sent ambulance – Mum unable to form words – totally collapsing.
To hospital – her heart going wild – it seems it is a stroke. There for 3 hrs – she throwing up if moved – also peed – also almost choked on aspirin in water (guy said afterwards that this is what happens in stroke – swallowing muscles don’t work – could have killed him! But too stunned…)
She unable to see/focus, even open eyes – trying to form words – couldn’t understand them at all – Doc said she was “in trouble” – may be permanent. Heart and blood pressure haywire. Eventually in a ward bed. She kept trying to talk – figured out at one point that her feet were cold – put on her socks. Left after 11, felt that her efforts to speak were too much. At one time, earlier, she managed to say: “Cik ātri tas uz reizi viss iet…”
Toward the end of the evening, had the impression that Mum was slightly better – was also sure that she could understand me, at least to some degree – so, at home, later, had a slight surge of optimism and strength. Home & up the street to get cigs! (had quit before). Home & couldn’t settle down till 3. Finally, did sleep in bits.
Thursday, March 11, 1993
To hospital to see her – can’t remember if this was the time I had to wait, because she was off at a test? Maybe – but she could speak!! Still can’t see straight – sees double & everything swims. Doc came & said that the improvement was quite remarkable.
Went to work (had phoned N. at home – he said to do whatever I needed to…) mostly because can’t just sit at home…
Back to see her at noon & also in evening. Sometime there she asked if we had to pay for all this – assured her that didn’t – she commented that Kline [Alberta premier] hadn’t managed to screw that up yet! Amazing! Nurse said that it was like night and day compared to yesterday. To office to work on book – till late – home & slept like a log.
Friday, March 12, 1993
To see her in am – also at noon – took her other clothes (already yesterday) & glasses etc. – slept heavily & had a hell of a time getting up at 8!!
Sat. March 13, 1993
Had arranged with N. to go hunting for a day bed – spent all morning running around – back to my place to re-measure library space (Mum had said that she would have to stay there) – all the beds & sofas etc., are about 2” too long – the space is awkward – one folding cot at Woolco is 6’(not 6’3”) – so that will be it… Piano supposed to be tuned at 1 – no sign of Chris. Phoned at about 2, left messages – he called back & was coming… To visit Mum & home for bread and bits of food – trying to clear fridge [I had been away] – didn’t have energy to cook properly. To office to work on book – diarrhea from food…
Sun. March 14, 1993
Spent morning cooking up all the extra fruit around – washing dishes, etc. To visit Mum, she’s not feeling as well as yesterday. To office to work on book. I declined dinner offer (from N.) – mostly I think because I’m smoking!! & don’t want to let on!
To visit mum at 7 or so – chatting away & suddenly I felt queasy & felt the blood draining from my head & eyes blurring!! I was going to faint!! Surprise! Managed to bob down & lower my head & it passed!
Mum today described a little about the “other world” – says there is nothing there – saw two paintings, one the dead, the other the live. Dead one just black with a few little lines/scratches in white – the other full, crammed, colourful, busy, frantic – said she could look at both & not care about either – just felt that the other was peaceful, this one an effort. [She said later that she had looked at both versions for some time, trying to decide which to choose. She was tempted by the peaceful one, liked it better. Found the chaotic one loud, annoying. However, in the end, she opted for the busy version!]
N. said his mother told him that his grandmother had had stroke five years ago (at 84) & been totally paralyzed on left side – that way for 3 months, no sensation – then, it went away!!
After supper, to office, thought I could arrange the page sequence (had sorted that out on paper this afternoon) – tried several times & it just didn’t work – quit and home to scribble here. Friday, I was supposed to work on book all day – but Gail away & all that, it didn’t happen.
Mon. Mar. 15, 1993
Monday – rough, tough day at work [with regular jobs]. Asked Gail to help me figure out book file – she tried & all sorts of odd things were happening. After work, asked if Gail wanted to go for “one beer & 5 cigarettes”!! She agreed willingly – so, went & had 1½ beers — & talked some – quite good. Drove her home & dashed to see Mum – she thought she had a cold – high temperature – however, didn’t feel so disoriented, because this kind of sickness was familiar!…
Home & gulped a heated up supper & dash back to office to tackle book – Gail had said to call her if it worked so that she would not worry about it. She had tried to explain two possibilities — one I could understand, the other was beyond me… So, worked away at the version that I could understand… & it worked!! Phoned Gail – completed it and printed it out – there till 11 p.m. Realized that I had not got a return call for my next ISBN# (had called too late Friday, left message – the # I had been given was one I had already used) – at home, I figured out where the book files were: in the cabinet in my loft – shoved there and forgotten!
All evening, worried about Mum – she did not seem to have a cold – so, what was the fever? An infection? Her firs IV had gone wrong & been eventually removed & put in her other hand – 1st arm swollen & red & painful to touch – Slept fitfully & woke early.
Tuesday March 16, 1993
It is only Tuesday night & it feels like three weeks! Up early & off to see Mum – quite anxious – her fever is gone & she seems better – had used the bedpan I put out in the night – also towel etc. – I had found all that in her drawers – she assumed they were not hers – I had also found her a walker. So, took her to toilet & then for a walk along the hall – realized we could do that on all my visits – don’t know why I didn’t think of it before – feel as I’m the one who is “brain damaged”… It was a big relief & help for her – I guess one figures out how to use each system, not necessarily very quickly! Felt elated!
After work, me home to wolf another warmed supper. Earlier, had got my ISBN# & made the changes to the text in book & taken it to be copied – a test run had the pages in the right sequence, but machine chewed up a page – back to office to re-output – back to deliver & check that sequence ok. The backing up is off by about ¼” – nothing we can do, the machine shifts by that much – too bad. However, the gal (Fay?) is back & I know that if she can, she is quite careful about stuff – have to keep my fingers crossed…
To see Mum at 2 – not much new, though she has been down to see therapist & seen a lot of old & not so old people, in worse shape, struggling away at trying to walk, etc. Has left some impression on her. She has a new co-patient – came in while I was there – pain in the neck type of person – a complainer & user… Too bad. Anyway, evening – to see Mum & to go for walk with her (found her in the “common room” listening to guy playing the piano…)
Wednesday, Mar. 17, 1993
Picked up book copies of Mum’s – spent evening inserting extra blank pages & packing the box. Utterly exhausted.
Thursday, Mar. 18, 1993
Up & to visit mum & to deliver box to bus depot for Edmonton bindery. After work, home, rush to see mum & supper – this morning, got to talk to her doc & physio etc., so that was great – seems there may be some chance of after hospital help. Mum has charmed her physio & she is willing to help…
Saturday, March 20, 1993
To see mum & to cut her hair, nails & toenails – all that accomplished while her room-mate was elsewhere – so, that was good.
[After her stroke, Erna came home from hospital and attended several weeks of group physiotherapy. Then spent the next 7 years at home, with some home care assistance for morning rising, dressing and bathing, as well as breakfast and lunch (I was working full time, so could not be home during the day). Dinner and going to bed was on our own.
Gradually her hearing and eyesight deteriorated. She got a hearing aid, but the loss of eyesight badly affected her ability to read and to play the piano. We had not realized that she depended for that on being able to read the music — she did not play from memory. That was devastating. I had her music enlarged several times, but there is a limit to how large becomes too large to fit on the piano and be manageable and readable. Dzidra came from Australia to visit and help for several months every summer. That was a godsend in every way.
In 2000, Erna had a gall bladder attack at the end of summer and was hospitalized. After the operation, the doctors decided that she should not return home, but had to enter long term care in a seniors’ home. I visited her after work every day.] — Inese
[Inese and Nelson flew to Hong Kong. After a few days, Nelson continued on to India, Inese, a little later, flew to Sydney — postcards sent to Erna in Calgary]
Feb 17. 1996 [Calgary. The Olympic flame burns atop the Calgary Tower] [left]
Dear Mum!
Happy Chinese New Year!
Here we are at the airport — Looking at Calgary in the distance and the mountains behind.
The taxi driver said that he had driven you before. He was nice. I told him that if he drove you again to look after you.
We are having coffee and writing, Relax and be happy and calm. All good luck in the New Lunar Year.
Inese & N
———
Feb 17. 1996 [Vancouver, Canada. Alaska is the destination for this luxury cruise ship seen before passing beneath the Lions Gate Bridge] [right]
Hello Mum!
Here we are in Vancouver — at the airport, not the harbour — ready for the next stage — by plane, not by ship.
But you can remember your trip by ship!
xxx Inese & N
———-
Monday Feb 19. 1996 [Hong Kong. Sunset over Western Harbour & Lantau Island] [left]
Hello!
This almost looks like the view from Austra’s flat.
Most shops are closed because of the New Year Holiday — so we have slept well, eaten well, talked a lot — gone for a drive and will go again.
Because of the holiday, this card will take longer to go…
By surprise, it is quite “cold” here — about 80!! But seems colder — and is cold to all the people here!
Inese
———
Tuesday Feb 20, 1996 [Hong Kong. The world’s most stunning harbour viewed from Lugard Road, The Peak] [right]
Hello Mum —
So, we are exploring Hong Kong. So far, Ian still has time off from work till tomorrow. Austra will have time off the whole time I’m here — so, we are doing the exploring together.
This evening we went down to the harbour downtown to watch the fireworks — it was quite nice, though still cool.
Lots of people — mostly Philippine (they work as maids here) — the Chinese mostly celebrate at home with their families at New Year.
Everything is really nice and comfortable and it is easy to get around etc.
Hope you are well & happy & OK.
Love to you, Inese
———
Friday Feb 23, 1996 [Hong Kong. Trams and busses on Des Voeux Road, Central, in front of Chinese New Year decorations] [left]
Mum!
We took Nelson to the airport today, after having lunch with Ian at the University where Ian is teaching.
We have been having a very nice time. Some tourist activity, some dining out, lots of talking, sometimes late at night.
It is still unusually cold — but I am not sorry — it is easier to walk and travel when it is cooler.
Much love to you, Inese
———–
Sunday 25th Feb, 1996 [Hong Kong. Statue Square and the Supreme Court surrounded by the Banks of Central] [right]
Hello Mum,
Nelson left for India on Friday afternoon — phoned yesterday to say that he is fine — but everything is quite the adventure & not all goes as expected always.
We are going to visit a village museum and some temples a little outside Hong Kong today.
Hope your shopping expeditions were OK and everything else is fine, including the weather — Here it is still cool — but OK for sightseeing.
Inese
———
Tuesday Feb 27, 1996 [Hong Kong. The floating seafood restaurants of Sham Wan, Aberdeen] [left]
Hello Mum!
Sorry that all my cards look the same — I bought a set of 12 and did not realize that they are very similar… Anyway, I am having a good time exploring the city — Ian is back at work — he only had 3 days holiday + weekends — we have been to some restaurants with him — Austra is still on holiday from work & sometimes comes with me. Michael, the son, works as a waiter at a restaurant and has varying shifts — sometimes day, sometimes evening — when he is home he sleeps or goes out with his friends.
There is a maid who lives here & cooks and cleans — they live in an apartment on 25 floor.
Well, it is the last day here — I’m not doing much — I have to go to town to pick up my slides and then just take it easy till Ian will drive us to the airport after 4 pm.
Well, it has been a nice visit and I have seen a lot of Hong Kong. It is very easy to get around with public transport here, so that means I can be independent. It also seems very safe. Chinese men do not harass women the way Western men do.
Love to you! Inese
————
Monday March 4, 1996 [Sydney. Eating out] [left]
Hello Mum!
This is not quite a picture of us!! We are having a good time — We went on a tour of the Paddington galleries — also did the Paddington Market and I bought Dzid &b me some nice scarf/shawls — Clothes are incredibly expensive, but I am looking — bought one top here and a nice silk jacket in Hong Kong. We looked for pants for you, but it is the wrong season for wool.
On Thursday we are going to Ida’s for a fondue — on Sunday, people are coming here for an “Open House” — I’ve been phoning to invite for 3 days…
Love to you — I’ll be home soon. Inese
————-
Wednesday, March 6, 1996 [Sydney Opera House with commuter ferry and hydrofoil in the foreground] [left]
Hello Mum!
Today I went into town by myself. Dzid went to shop and to swim — and later to go to Miško’s course lectures —
I went to the University to go to some of the old places — and some of them have changed totally — I also went shopping and found some nice stuff that is not too expensive.
We are just back from a lovely fondu lunch and afternoon at Ida’s place. She drove us back in her new car. She seems to be doing very well — has a few aches and pains, but otherwise is the same busy and involved Ida. Early next week she will probably drive us out to Windsor to visit Austra’s mum.
Nothing much else to report. It is quite warm (25-270) Sometimes I can bear it, sometimes I just melt & sweat!
Love, Inese
—————
Sunday, March 10, 1996 [Sydney. The Rocks] [left]
Hello Mum —
Today, later, some of the old crowd of friends are dropping by for an Open House here. I made paté last night & still have to make a dip etc etc — We’ll see how it goes! It rained all night & still is raining — But it seems to be trying to clear up a bit — Went to the bookshop at Latviešu Nams yesterday — it has almost nothing in it — very poor!
Otherwise, we are all fine. See you soon, Inese
———
Monday, March 11, 1996 [The majestic Sydney Opera House by the glow of night] [right]
Hello Mum —
So, the party went well & people seemed happy to see each other — Most of them do not keep in touch — So, Ojārs + Dagnija Greste, Sue Birstins, Sunny B. — Pat Mazoudier, Pete + Anda Garlick, Jānis Grauds, Maira + Johnny Kluina, Indulis + Liuki Masulāns, Imants Graudiņš, Ojārs + Renate Neimanis.
Some of them brought pictures of their kids — all grown up.
We had lots of food etc & so, it was OK — Now Dzid & I are going to the Art Gallery of NSW to see the Archibald Prize show.
Love, Inese
[The following texts are extracts from letters by Inese to Dzidra, sections which concern Erna]
22.11.1993
[…] Mum got a part of my flu/cold, despite her flu shots — but less drastic than mine, so probably OK — We had a bout of early winter — temperatures to -32 at night — now it is milder & perhaps will stay that way for a while — it does not usually get vicious here till after the New year…
———
3.7.1995
[…] Rest of life plods on — Mum seems OK — We’ve had a letter back from Biruta that the “Power of Attorney” & its translation needs further validation from the Latvian Embassy — pain in the neck — But have spent the evening composing letter to send it off… Wonder what that is about. Bureaucracy or what…
[…] As far as I can tell, Mum’s commode is working well & is probably a big relief.
———–
4.5.1996 [sent by fax]
Hello Dzid —
Well, now I too am proud owner of a fax machine — and also don’t yet know how it all works. I’m not sure how may times it & all the phones ring when a fax is coming through — i.e. Will I fall out of bed & grab the phone in the middle of the night?? etc & what happens to the fax if I do?? — and what if Mum picks up the phone in the day, and it’s a fax etc etc —
[… in Erna’s writing in the middle of page: Halo! See you soon!!! Be happy. M.]
So Mum sends hello — but won’t write more at the moment — it is evening — we went shopping for food etc. — had artichokes for supper & other stuff, including trout for Mum (not for me!)
Dzid, I’m trying to be upbeat, but I am a little worried — Mum is more frail — a little so — and that is normal, I guess — However, I know she isn’t taking enough of her medicines (i.e. cutting back on it) — I’ve talked to her about it, showed her the info in a “pill book” on what it is supposed to do — to no avail — I don’t know what the real effects are —
She is supposed to go to the doctor before the next renewal (they will not give one without the doctor’s visit) — so, she has agreed to go “sometime soon” — last time the doctor didn’t give her a blood test — I had a fit — I’m sure she won’t ask — it’s the only way to know dosage….
…Anyway, I don’t know what else to do about Mum’s resistance — it is, of course, possible to do nothing, to acquiesce — to agree that it is her choice & her life — and she is no fool — though sometimes deluded by her own interpretations (as are we all) — Still, it is hard to be here, for her to say every day how hard her day has been — in terms of dizziness — failing eyesight etc — some of those can’t be helped or affected by medicine (as I understand it) — I’ve taken large print books out of the library — she can now again read them most of the day & evening. And that is a relief. Because there was a period where it was frantic, because she felt she couldn’t see… Unfortunately, the large print books are of poor selection — mostly popular pulp novels, mysteries and murder stories and Westerns. I had looked at the selection — then, later talked to the librarian, and she volunteered the same assessment, saying “Unfortunately…” She says it is changing (with the aging population) — but I suspect that will be a bit slow in this case. Of better literature, there is only the best known book by some of the best known — Librarian also told me that most are produced in England — So, found a Peter Carey book — i.e. Australia via England to here — Mum is reading it right now.
If you talk to Mum about her medicine etc, don’t in any way indicate you have my info — we changed doctors 4 time because she thought they were (or I was) passing on previous information. Some of which was true! With the last doctor, I think that none of the information was given by me or previous doctor…
Anyway — you already have some sense of this — Much love to you & Miško etc
————
6.5.1996 [sent by fax]
I have a new fax number — *****. It costs about $5 per month and is supposed to have a different ring from the phone — Don’t know what it sounds like yet. Also have some other questions about it (i.e. how it affects or links to the phone line — […])
Anyway, your short fax came through yesterday — Mum picked up the phone & figured out from the bips & squeaks that it must be the fax, laid the phone aside till it was over & then hung up — smart!
I assume you got mine, which went through with no problem from this end… I guess all of it will take some time to figure out. Nothing else new — Mum said you called today and I’m glad.
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15.5.1996 [by fax]
[…] Saturday night [before Mother’s Day] took Mum to the Banff Centre to see the ultra modern ballet (see article to follow) — all of that worked out very well & Mum felt good about it, despite the long ride both ways —
Got your article today — suspect that the print is a bit small for Mum — her eyes are not doing well lately…
[…] Your previous fax of drawing + letter & lovely “frieze” at the bottom was fine — the drawing came through twice, the letter once (since you asked).
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3.8.1996 [by fax]
[…] Mum has watched a lot of the Olympics on TV (she never watches TV!) —
————
[no date] [by fax]
[…] As to Mum’ s health — her doctor called for an ultrasound test for her liver — (from the blood tests you were part of) because the liver part was “not normal” . Result — she has a gall-stone blocking part of the liver function. Suggestion from Doctor — surgery to get rid of the stone… Mum rejects the idea — Doc says nothing about it — doesn’t push the surgery — though says he recommends a second opinion from the surgeon — not all treatments require surgery.
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[no date — Nov 1996?] [by fax]
[…] Mum has been through a rough spot — am trying to figure out if medication (or lack of it) has something to do with it… We are doing some partial stuff on you liver book — good so far & I’ll do more with it next week.
We are in a sudden deep freeze — -20 in the day and -25 at night — all out of the blue…
Mum has watched the Piano Competition on TV (Lawna gave me tickets — no hope of going, partly weather, partly Mum’s not so good state) — Now I’ve asked for the rest of Cable channels, since one of the last ones (#36) is one that does music/theatre etc. — that all may work OK — it will be connected Thursday…
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9.12.1996 [by fax]
[…] Got the dandelion stems in honey — they were beginning to ferment — container all puffed up — put them in the fridge for a day — then decided to “nuke” them in the microwave — that seems to have worked & got rid of the slightly fermented taste — Mum has been having them on her breakfast cereal.
Thank you for the liver cleansing book — I’ve read it and bought some of the stuff suggested (like tahini & lecithin spread & soya yoghurt) at health food stores — have been juicing vegetables & fruit — tried blending (bought a blender) but Mum can’t stand the thicker version — so, after a struggle, the “juice” version is OK — But almost nothing else — we tried soy milk etc etc — after a week, she asked one day if we were perhaps going “to go out” — and then said “I’m so hungry!” — it was pretty devastating — (visions of “elder abuse”!!) — most of the changed tastes she hates — and craves the old butter or “margarine” etc etc etc —
Anyway, the juice has taken and she dutifully drinks it every day. I eat the residue or bake it into bread. I’ve been making lots of vegetable soups, she’s using more bran (which she hated) on her cereal & ground up version of seeds &b nuts… & a bunch of herb supplements specifically for the liver.
I’ve given up on the “complete” version of the diet — I’ll be as careful as I can, but include some pleasure foods for her — it is too tough otherwise, since there is not much else left.
Winter struck early, by now a month ago… to -35… lots of snow… […] Also, Mum fell on her bum at the bottom of the stairs (not down the stairs) — she missed grabbing the rail hard enough & sat back. So, all that slowed everything down.
Now, all her fall “hurts” are over — we try to go for a walk most days — she holds on to my arm & we sit on all the benches — there is still snow & cold, but it is OK & we dress well.
This past Saturday, Mum came shopping with me for the first time in a while — holding on to the cart for a lot of it, but OK — Nelson had arranged to have lunch in a restaurant just off the Superstore lot & that was good — Also, she came to Khublai’s (the Mongolian place) a few days before… It’s a slow regaining of ground lost…
Nelson constructed a brilliant gadget to support a book & a light, to swing out from the wall at her chair in the living room — Mum thought it was brilliant too — I’m not sure whether it isn’t too late — Mum tried it the other day — the contraption is OK, but she couldn’t see well enough — however, it is closer than anything we have for lining up the eye, the book & the magnifiers you bought (we haven’t tried them, but the physics make sense) — it includes the metal piece of a music stand to support the book (which she couldn’t hold any more).
{sketch to illustrate device}
This probably doesn’t make sense, but if you imagine a music stand with a ledge on a moveable arm & a light (adjustable) that goes with it above… then that is it.
I have arranged to have her piano music enlarged — haven’t got all the bits in place yet, but soon will.
The TV bit, including your effort, has worked OK —
I bought an IKEA chair {sketch} & footstool — they are very comfortable — placed it in front of the TV — Mum has learned to channel-surf the cable version as well as anyone… Then, a couple of weeks ago, when I saw that she was taking to it, I extended the cable coverage to all the channels. This includes at least one channel that show reasonably good stuff… It all started with the broadcasting of the Esther Honens International Piano competition — the second — it happens every 4 years — Mum went to some of the concerts 4 years ago — now, she watched it all on TV (except the finals, which were not televised) — After that, I try to pick out programmes from the TV Guide that might be of interest & leave her a list daily — she watches some of that &v also “surfs” some of the time — & that is fine.
So, all your efforts re the TV were worthwhile — in fact, they may be the only thing left!
—————-
[spring 1997?] [by fax]
[…] Mum is OK, though frailer. Her eyesight is worse. I’ve enlarged her music quite large, but she still has trouble with it. Has tried to learn some of the pieces a bit more by heart. Too bad she didn’t start earlier. However, the TV has worked well. Thank God for that.
[Dzidra helping Erna to learn her pieces by heart]
————
June 1997
[Ian Hart came to Calgary for a conference at the University. He stayed with Nelson. We shared some pleasant visiting time, both at Nelson’s and at my house. Inese]
———————-
[July 1997?] [by fax]
Thursday night Nelson & Stephanie [left] came to dinner — Stampede breakfast dinner (sausages, pancakes, corn syrup etc) — then we watched a film on VCR — Mum didn’t watch all the film.
She has to check in with doctor (same or other) soon or her prescription won’t be renewed — she takes them according to her own system & I’ve stopped fighting it. She also needs to see an eye doc — New one, I guess — her eyes have deteriorated a lot this year — may manage it before you come or may not — may be glad of the help… love xx Inese
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[no date — fall 1997?] [by fax]
Dzid,
Thanks for your call & fax — haven’t read the letter to Mum yet (she’s napping) — will soon.
Mum is still doing well — despite her complaints — and, yes, her eyes are worse still — However, she seems to get on well with current lady — today I stayed home, but didn’t tell Mum (I didn’t want her to seem awkward with the helper) & I heard little bits of their upstairs interaction (mainly bathroom & shower) & it seems cheery, careful & fine. However, sometime soon, when winter sets in, there may be other care-givers — this gal has said she won’t be able to do it in the winter, as she has no car.
She offered her services to look after Mum for full days if necessary or to clean the house (she’s not supposed to offer that on her current contract — apparently the fine is some $2,000, of so she says in her note) — (I haven’t met her — all this is via notes & a few phone calls) — Anyway, Mum was pressing me to accept the cleaning offer & I ended up doing so — So, $10 per hour (which I remember Lawna & others paying) and two days of 4 hours each — so $80. It’s a big lump, but I am relieved — not much done, other than bits & pieces on the run, since you left. This time it was a lot — I know from Lawna & co form before that it takes about 4 hours to clean a place (& that is about what it takes me too) — Perhaps once a month. I’ll settle for it — it certainly is a temptation! — All these things are possible — all they take is money!!!
On Saturday shopping expeditions we now have lunch at some place or other — that is going well & Mum loves it & it’s easy on me!! Love you muchly, xxxxxxx Inese
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23.9.1997 [by fax]
[…] Both your fonts are fine — perhaps the first one is better (in my judgement) in that it is slightly more open & square — but both are great — and Mum is delighted to be able to read your letters.
She is also writing with her large letter files and that is great — she has written letters to all sorts of people & is now working on another piece of her own writing — the latter, her own writing, has only happened this year (i.e. the bits that I enlarged) — the computer large type is a nice solution & I am very happy that she is now using it — before, it was not a case of small or large type — she just couldn’t write — her last attempt was after her stroke, to write about that experience, and she found that so upsetting, that she stopped all of it. Now, it seems, that several things have come together — the piece (Doctor) that she wanted to do & that enlarging solved — today, she did another (re Ilya) — the letters have opened up a closed window — so, all of it sounds good.
By the way, her fax to you was sent in a regular font, which seems to come thicker than the Latvian version…
Other stuff — yesterday, in a kind of panic, I called the cemetery folk: “Here is paranoid Inese Birstins…” I said (I did!) — “but I have not received the invoice” etc — Well, this time I got someone who said — “Oh — um? Well, I will send you a copy.” (after I had offered to turn up wherever & pay on the spot — So, I asked her to fax the invoice — she did — I wrote the cheque & mailed it… So, I feel safe now. (P.S.) Today’s mail — I had the invoice!! Finally.
Still, it is done — by today, tomorrow or by the end of the week, they will have received the cheque (when I kept phoning, what encouraged me was that at some point of me saying it was “Birstins plot # so & so” & then, you could hear them turn pages & then they would say “Ineze” & I knew that it was right!! (since I had never said my first name!) It’s been a long haul, but finally, I think it is cased!!
[…] Much love to you & Miško — It is greyer without you, xxx Inese
—————
20.10.1997 [by mail]
[…]
By the way, did you get my brief E-mail — I sent a few lines with the address, which is info@think-design.com. (think-design is hyphenated because there is some other ThinkDesign in NY which got there ahead of us.)
I tried looking at the translation questions you sent for Mum’s book — found them way too hard and put them off for later.
[…] Received a formal letter/certificate from the City re cemetery plot ownership — so, that is done.
[…] You probably wonder how Mum is — she’s OK — your visit & time with her were certainly a “shot in the arm” and revived her. She has written some short pieces. So that’s nice — Her not doing any writing (as in “stories”) was not because of poor eyesight — she just couldn’t do it since her stroke, till now.
She has also gone for a walk around the block on her own — using her cane! Not easy, but she’s doing it. Other times, we go together. She came to a play, a one-woman effort, at the Small Theatre — the play was “Frida K.” — about Frida Kahlo — that was for her birthday.
[…] Well, it’s Oct. 26 — time flies — […] I bought & Nelson installed a new humidifier on the furnace — that should make the air less dry & make life more comfortable.
Hope the winter (with el Niño etc) will turn out to be milder — that would be nice. […] Love to you all.
————–
6.2.1998 9.25 p.m. [by fax]
Hello Dzid & Tanya [Hart, Austra’s daughter, helping with E-mail]
Received your e-mail of Mum’s stuff — it all came through fine, with a few quirks, but minor (eg, quotation marks as í — ) but it is readable — didn’t get a chance to print it out & bring it home [from work] yet… So, thanks! the system works.
Mum & I just watched the opening of the Olympics on TV — ended with a five-continent rendition of Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy“, conducted from Japan (Sydney, New York, Beijing, Berlin, Point Cape SA & Nagano) — all in sync — orchestras & choirs — perhaps you saw it — apparently it’s beyond normal TV technology, where there is a time lag — impressive use of Japanese know-how.
* All singing in German! — Beautiful, but with faint echoes of Nazi rallies!!
—————–
13.3.1998 [by fax]
Dzid,
Mum says you’ll come after your Film Festival in June — so, I assume that it will be about the same as last year — that is good, if we want to continue hiking & perhaps camping — not sure how much of the latter we’ll be able to do… Look forward to it!!!
Mum’s eyesight has taken a sudden turn for the worse about a week ago — we’re going to see a doc in the same place you took her — the woman she saw then, is gone — we’ll go next Thursday. All the rest wanes more slowly.
———–
.
July 1998
[Talis came to Calgary with Dzidra and spent a couple of weeks here. Dzidra stayed to the end of August.]
[photo: At Nelson’s place, Talis in background.]
.
—————–
7.9.1998 [by mail?]
[…] Yesterday went to Jan’s (farm) for a BBQ […] thought it was for lunch — turned out to be a BBQ cookout for some 40 people! not starting till about 4 pm!
We dashed off at about 6, since I had made no preparations for Mum’s supper, assuming I’d be home by about 4 at the latest!
[…] On Mum — all is fine —
About 2 weeks ago, first thing in the morning she fell beside her bed, full length — she said she was trying to stand up straighter, so that pee would go into the pad — maybe wasn’t holding on, I don’t know. Luckily, I was still home and managed somehow, to help her up — more or less lift her up & it’s quite the weight!! — I’m sure her care lady would not have been able to do it. She didn’t seem to be hurt, just shocked — So I got her changed and back to bed. Next day, she had a pain near her ribs — inside or outside was not clear, also if she breathed in too deep & fast — So, surely bruised and maybe cracked rib. She insisted she didn’t want to go to a doctor & I decided to wait a bit — in bits & pieces it seems to be getting better, so we have left it.
The care lady seems to be OK — same person every day, so Mum chats to her a bit & maybe there’s more of a relationship developing. I don’t know.
Mum is generally in quite good spirits and a lot stronger than she was. So your visit & care really helped her. On Saturday in the car (shopping) she was measuring her heartbeat & said that it was “much better, now that she was taking her medicines properly” (Yes! She said that!) — much more regular, apparently.
Also, your scrabble board is great! [Enlarged version created by Dzidra] We haven’t played scrabble, but Mum uses it every day, several times, like a large Xword or solo scrabble — i.e. she doesn’t try to add up her scores, though I think she still takes the high-scoring letters etc into some sort of incentive consideration — and puts out words till she runs out of bits. She asks questions about spellings & meanings and says she has thought a lot now about language, including Latvian… Anyway, she is engrossed for hours and although it may be tiring, it seems not to be bad at all.
Also, the going for lunch on Saturday shopping outings is working brilliantly! So, for the moment, all seems well and her life has settled into an OK routine.
By the way, if you write faxes that are not enlarged (which is OK) — ones for me to read to Mum, try to keep your language simple — I know that is a pain in the neck, but it is very hard to try to read & when, not only she doesn’t hear it, but also she can’t understand what she hears — and my attempts at translating are not all that great — Try short sentences and somewhat simpler words then “overall concept & aim” “multitude of possibilities” “pristine environment” ” willingness to consider concept” “irrelevant stuff” “tedious” “instil” “debris” “residency”. I know this is a horrible thing to ask, but her aural comprehension does not match what she could once read — so, she loses the thread of the whole idea and, essentially, I have to translate it all. Perhaps just short sentences is enough, so we can deal with each idea separately. […]
P.S. Sept 12 is Mum’s namesday
——————
[no date — Sept 1998] [by fax]
[…] P.S. Mum says her ribs are fine — so, it was probably a bruise.
————-
20.11.1998 [by fax]
Dzid,
[…] It was good to be able to tell you about Mum — have been thinking of faxing all the info, but, of course, that keeps getting sidelined.
The day programme has been an easy ride! First had to re-apply for the Handi-Bus, including going to see her doc for certification — several hours of waiting room (but just me — didn’t bring Mum).
Then and interview visit there with Mum — she seemed pleased enough, because the rooms are bright & airy. More forms to fill and payments to make. $15 per session, with 4 days notice if to cancel.
First day coming up, Mum develops earache day before (real, I think) & can’t sleep all night — So, we cancel bus, cancel session. Also had to re-arrange person to get her up to come earlier. Also bought boots that she can remove easily when she comes home. 2nd week — more struggle — I decided to drive her there & she took the bus home, though I was home to make sure she got in (driver unlocked the door) — 3rd week, I stayed long enough to see her on the bus in the morning — I think she is very brave to undertake it all — including all the anxiety. 4th week — Birthday dinner for Nelson night before — Decided not to go out of laziness and cold weather — But in the end she went — and said later, that “after all, she should go.” So goes the saga!!
——————
[Summer 1999]
[Horse races at Millarville Farmers’ Market & Fair]
——————
[Xmas 1999]
[At Nelson’s suggestion Inese bought Erna a small portable CD player, earphones and some classical music CDs, especially piano (Chopin, Mozart, etc.]
