First a bit of explanation re our parents. Mum was getting anxious that she had not yet found a husband. She was working as an art teacher at the other end of Latvia. She was in her 30s and very much still wanted to have children.
She put an advertisement in a newspaper — this was not unusual at the time (perhaps an early version of online dating!?) — and dad answered it. I am including the letter that he wrote in response to her advertisement. Despite all the talk in it about “truth” he did not give his real name and the address seems to be that of his sister Anna (according to the archive document)…I might add that, when I told brother Janis (from dad’s first marriage] that mum was not the reason for the breakup of his parents’ marriage, (since he was the one who wrote to her, when she did not yet know him), Janis seemed relieved. Perhaps they (the sons) had spent their lives thinking that “another woman” destroyed their family.
THE PROPOSAL LETTER
On the eve of disaster, I rush to write you this letter. Up to now I never paid attention to this type of dating, thinking that there would still be plenty of time, if ever I needed it, but now I have found out that this type of introduction will be banned in the future, and there is no woman among my current acquaintances with whom I would wish to share my life, so I find myself in this unfortunate state and I pray you to extend a hand to this unexpected happiness that would allow me to return to the normal stream of life. I grasp at it like a drowning man at his last chance, whether it will be able to rescue me, I leave that for the future.
If I manage to earn your attention, I’ll ask you for a truthful short biogr[aphical] portrait, which I will return if you wish. I promise complete discr[etion] and that is why I will ask for your correct address and that you write down only what is true, or if you are unable to do that, then don’t write at all.
With this response my intention is not to waste time or seek entertainment, and if this advertisement is of that nature, please do not reply.
Even though a piece of paper is patient and accepts equally both truth and falsehood, which is why it can strain credibility, nevertheless I will only tell you what is true about myself.
I am a Latvian and I will never be anything else, in my thoughts, words or deeds, no matter under what sun I find myself.
I’m a Luth[eran], slim, dark-haired man, with a tolerable appearance, without physical defects, by nature easy to get on with, decisive with simple real-life beliefs, a total abstainer, 32 yrs., by prof[ession] a civ[il] serv[ant], in dec[ent] mat[erial] circ[umstances].
I hope I have given you a clear picture of myself, if you are interested we can continue. I leave the door open because you never know when and where happiness comes from.
With respect J. Dzintars 17. VII. 40 yr. Riga, Brivibas avenue 4-30
[…] School has just gone back after Xmas, but I haven’t gone back with it — after a lot of struggling and thinking about it, I finally decided that it wasn’t worth it and resigned at the end of December. So, at the moment I am being a housewife only. I am looking for some other job here, but nothing has yet come up. […] I have my doubts about the course being workable anyway (and so has everyone I’ve ever talked to who knows about it) — but as well as that all the basic conditions necessary for it (equipment, small classes, kids at same level, etc etc) were non existent here […] Both of us felt that I should resign. We’re planning to stay here till summer, whether I get work or not — […] it probably works out cheaper than somewhere else starting from scratch. Don’t worry about it, I’m quite happy about things […]
[…] Meantime, we spent Xmas to New Year in Toronto at Lācis‘ place and with parties there and at other Latvians’ places got so overfed with rich Latvian food that we feel like having a holiday from eating for a while to recover! It was really very nice and we met a few Latvian kids of roughly our vintage — made some friends in fact — […]
[…] One evening we went to see the Tikiņš and met the gorgeous “Tikiņ māte” that mum visited while she was here. She really was a dear! And after a while decided that I reminded her so much of Mum that she forgot to call me Inese and I was “Erniņa” for the rest of the evening, as she showed me the fabulous knitting and crocheting she that she’s done — whole bedspreads of finely crocheted lace!
Anyway, it was a very nice trip and we’re waiting with great curiosity to hear about the return of Atis & Astrida and their impressions of an Australian Xmas! They had intentions of visiting you, but I have my doubts — they’re there for three weeks and plan to include a trip to Melbourne — I guess they won’t find much time for extra trips — Lācis got a letter form Atis’ mother (I think) complaining about the terrible heat & humidity (in the 90s at Guildford) — the contrast must be something! Toronto had a lovely white Xmas, which it doesn’t always manage […]
Lots of love […] Inese & L.
P.S. Our luggage all finally arrived & was OK — so did our Russian film.
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28th Jan 1970
Dear Mum, Dzid, Clive,
[…] we’re both well etc. — I don’t know why all the congratulations about giving up teaching — I still like teaching — in fact the was one of the reasons I felt like giving it up here. Conditions for various reasons were so bad that I felt I’d end up hating teaching…[…]
[…] Meantime, I’m home & haven’t yet had time to get bored — in fact I’ve been dividing up my day and allotting an hour only to each activity at a time, so that I don’t get stuck on one for the whole day (which is my usual style) & spend too long & waste time fiddling & end up disgusted & depressed. I’ve been practising typing (in between reading, sewing & other bits & pieces) — […]
[…] We’ve had a cold stretch — clear & cold & went down to 420 below zero (Fahrenheit!) — but it didn’t worry us any — I don’t know why or how, perhaps you get used to it, but I’ve been much colder at home, in England and even in Damme. […]
[…] In February they have a big Winter Carnival here with all kinds of activities, including competition snow sculpture [left] — figures made of snow & watered over to freeze them so they’ll last a long time — some are already starting to appear here & there in town, we’ll have to get slides of them when they really get going. […]
[…] Glad to hear you’re doing some writing Mum — make yourself a timetable too — it works!
And stop worrying about us — we’re OK — I’m just a lazy writer […]
Love I & L
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Cochrane, Ont. [Canada] 4.2.70 [From Inese to Dzidra]
Dear Dzid and Clive,
Well, congratulations! on finally making the “BIG DECISION” — apart from all the sarcasm on my part, I’m very glad!… [much info about practical side of their wedding & England trip planning for Dzid…]
[much info about practical side of their wedding & England trip planning
for Dzid…]
Well, lots of love to you all — lots of love to Mum — tell her we’ll be home soon — hope she keeps writing her stuff — Make her go and see people like Laimons’ mum, her friends in Newcastle or Sydney etc. I’m sure Austra’s mum would love to see her — she’s always asked her to come & Mum never goes — it must be discouraging after a while — and then Mum talks about not having friends!!
Treat Dad gently but firmly — all you have to do is be happy and he will accept it — that is all he really wants you know — and I suspect that up to now all you’ve done is dither — it shows you know. [Inese]
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10.2.70
Dear Mum, Dzid, Clive,
[…] Glad to hear all the good news, particularly about your book in Latvia — you know I tried to send it from Czechoslovakia with some art books, but assume it never got there. […]
Meantime, there’s no chance of us getting home before Xmas — […] Laimons would really like to see a bit of this part of the world, now that we are here and I think it is only fair — he spent plenty of time, happily enough, trooping around galleries etc in Europe — things that probably interested me more than him — he very much wants to see a bit of Canada and the States. I think he had hoped to stay 2 years here […] so you’ll have to be patient — it’s really not that far away and if you keep busy with your writing — and see some of the people who have always wanted you to visit them, the time will go before you realize it. Why not join the choir? if you can manage somewhere to stay and can bear the travelling — if that is unpleasant, then it’s not worth it — but don’t worry about the money part — that certainly isn’t worth worrying about — friends always mean a little money and bother. Anyway, enough on that — except, don’t go to literary evenings and then complain that they’re not interesting — make them interesting. I’m amazed actually that Klauverts hasn’t given up before now — just think of the number of invitations to write, send, appear etc that you’ve turned down from him!!
Love to you all, Inese & L.
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18.3.70
Dear Mum, Dzid, Clive,
The last two days there have been the first tentative signs of approaching spring! Nothing definite yet, but a sort of sweetness in the air, slightly warmer sunshine… Last Saturday I went out with some friends to a nearby farm where they keep two horses and had a go at riding [left]… No, I didn’t fall off, but I just about haven’t been able to sit down ever since! and it’s Wednesday now! My bottom has gone through all the rainbow shades of blue, purple, yellowish-green…
Mum, thank you for the parcel, which finally arrived — what had happened was that the outside wrap had got torn off, completely destroying my address, though luckily yours was still intact. The vest is absolutely beautiful!!! It fits perfectly and the colour makes it wearable with everything I own. And the socks are beaut too… we had forgotten how gorgeously soft Australian wool is. Thanks again, it really is just perfect.
About a week ago we saw the Northern Lights for the first time one evening… they’re really quite exciting… like strange delicate curtains billowing gently across the sky, changing constantly… they were mainly white that night with a bit of bright yellow and red now and again. We now check the sky every night and will probably see more soon as this is apparently the right time of year for them.
In June we’ll be heading for Toronto for the Latvian Song Festival. Laimons’ Mum is coming out for that and we plan to take a short trip into the States with her, to see New York and Washington probably… then, probably on our own, we’ll head West across Canada to British Columbia and the Rockies. It seems really beautiful out that way and we hope to get jobs and stay a while.
Nice to hear about your successful exhibition. I guess Austra has explained why she missed it. By the way they now have a flat in North Sydney. I’m sure they would like you to stay with them some time when you’re in Sydney Mum. Ian is away a lot of the time, making films, so there should be room.
Glad to hear that you went to the doctor, Mum, and that you are seeing a bit of you friends and singing in the choir! Why not? It’s good for the soul to get out a bit more. And I’m sure the people are genuinely gld to see a bit of you, they’ve been trying unsuccessfully for years. And people are just people, good bad and indifferent, and they also need you.
About Grauds senior, I can’t really say much, as I’ve seen very little of him, I just have a few very vague impressions which are probably wrong anyway. He SEEMS to be a rather quiet shy man, I think completely dominated by the women in his family (wife and daughter […]) I can’t really say more than that — I’ve just the impression that both he and John, while he was still at home were bossed about by Mrs. Grauds. […]
[…] Do you know that here the glue on airletters is peppermint flavoured?!! Quite an experience! […]
Love, Inese & Laimons
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14.4.70
Dear Mum, Dzid, Clive,
[…] Spring is still going through long labour pains… last Friday it snowed all day, but in between we are getting a few warmer days and dirty bare patches of ground are starting to appear.
At Easter we went for a couple of days with friends (married teacher couple [right]) away from civilization in a log cabin out in the bush [Laimons on left]… I wrote to Mrs. Lācis and asked for a “pīrāgi” recipe, and amid much drama managed to produce a batch of rather dry, but nevertheless recognizable specimens, painted some eggs, cooked some chicken and rissoles — we packed all kinds of gear onto a sleigh (toboggan), got into our winter woollies, and first drove as far as the road went, then put on snowshoes (!) and pulling the toboggan behind us set off across a frozen lake and on about a mile into the bush. We spent two nights at the cabin getting up in shifts to put more wood into the stove to keep the place more or less warm, got water by chopping a hole in the ice covering a small river nearby (a couple of hours of hard work!) went for a long walk on snowshoes [below] to look at the traps set by the trappers who usually use the cabin, two of them in fact came by, checking their traps and left with two beavers. Also, to complete the Easter theme, we discovered the first brave pussy willows (pūpoli), only partly out as yet, but I brought home armfuls and the rest of the buds opened out here inside and will last till we leave…saw lots of rabbit tracks, some fox and one that may have been a mink (!) otherwise, nothing alive except birds and a few playful squirrels outside the hut…
At the moment I’ve got myself drafted by the same friends [above left] to help with the make-up for the school production of “Guys and Dolls” which they are producing […] even found myself helping to paint the set the other day,,,
Well, that’s about it… […]
Inese & Laimons
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5th May 70. [letter & Mother’s Day card]
Dear Mum, Dzid, Clive,
First of all Happy Mother’s Day to you Mum!
I’m afraid there’s no chance of us getting down to the Panama to see you guys — by the look of the map it’s some 4,000 miles from here and probably more by car — so the best we can do is wish you Bon Voyage!
I think we shall have to confess that we can’t afford a nice present at the moment — so our sincere best wishes are all that we can offer — however, things may improve at some later date…
About your flat — I don’t think it is worth trying to hold on to it for us, particularly as we don’t know at all at present what we are likely to be doing. If it involves trying to look for boarders and trying to get extra work just to keep a place where you will be lonely anyway, it’s definitely not a good idea. […] I’m in the process of putting out feelers about getting a job in the West […] I’m assuming that I will […] it would mean that it would be sensible to work a little longer before rushing home. Particularly as the money is money is so much better than anything I could possibly earn at home. Also, Austra didn’t get a teaching job, even though she arrived home in plenty of time, applied in time, is obviously highly qualified etc, etc. And she knows others that the same has happened to — I just don’t know what is going on there. I had planned to work at home for a year before retiring to the “babies” that you all are so impatient for […]
So while you still have the car, I think that you should think seriously about a possible move for Mum […] I don’t like the idea of Mum taking a job, particularly not the live-in type, because of piano etc. […]
[…] Spring is supposedly here, but […] One nice Sunday we went out fishing (didn’t catch anything) but were fascinated watching huge slabs of ice [right] moving down river, piling into each other and grinding and groaning — ice on the lake in town has not broken yet. On the river bank saw my first “real animal” (apart from squirrels) — a ground hog — it sat up and peered at me near its burrow — In the neighbour’s back yard have seen a couple of red-breasted robins — supposed to be a real sign of spring.
[Dzidra’s note]: What can I say? Thanks for your good wishes – marrying is almost fun – the day is beautiful — & all is well. All love from my almost husband & me.
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7th June 1970, Virginia USA
Dear Mum, Dzid, Clive,
I don’t know if this will reach you before you newlyweds set off for the wide blue yonder — […]
[…] Thanks very much for the letters about the wedding — it all sounds gorgeous & we’re both very glad that everything went well — very glad for you. Mum sounds happy about it all & also got a letter from Dad and he sounds pleased about it.
About us — Laimon’s Mum arrived a week ago […] We left Cochrane (just managing to sell our fridge & stove for what we had paid for them) on the day before […] and arrived in Toronto in the evening — […] They [the Lācis] were at their island at Temagami for the weekend, which suited us fine — we had an evening of peace & L’s Mum had a day of rest before meeting new people etc. […]
[…] Then we set off [4th June] […] first to Niagara Falls [above] — then along Lake Erie (in USA) to Cleveland (in Ohio) where Laimon’s Mum [left] has an aunt [rear right] — stayed with her for couple of days — were thoroughly overfed — then yesterday set off across Pennsylvania, heading east towards Washington. We bought L’s Mum a small tent & sleeping bag (we already had air mattress from last summer) […] today again in sort of field — everywhere daisies, red clover, and incredible masses of honeysuckle everywhere — over trees, bushes, across the ground — the smell is beautiful, but almost overpowering — we plan to continue this way (Washington, New York, Boston, then back to Canada: Quebec City, Montreal) and back to Toronto for Latvian Song Festival around 26th June — then, after Festival, we’re heading West, camping, to British Columbia (I don’t know if L’s Mum will come part of the way with us, or go home, or what) […]
[…] L’s Mum sends love.
[,,,] We are all well & fine — just now it’s getting dark & fireflies are appearing — It was funny driving down from Cochrane — in Cochrane trees didn’t have leaves, only buds — then further south, leaves appeared & dandelions were blooming — then further still, trees had big leaves and dandelions were finished & only white puffs were left — so we drove through whole of spring in ONE day [right, L’s mum & Inese] — in Toronto, hot (like last summer) lilacs (ceriņi) flowering in garden also “krēmenītes, maija pulksteņi.
Inese & Laimons
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Vancouver 26th July ’70 [From Inese to Dzidra & Clive] [addressed to ship passengers on board Castel Felice in Lisbon, en route to England]
Dear Clive & Dzid,
[…] Well, lots of love to you both, good luck & happy landing! Before we left Toronto, got 2 photos of your wedding — looked great — Mum sounded happy at that stage & so did Dad — keep writing home. Inese & Laimons
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10. jūl. 1971. [Erna to Inese]
Strong fish soup (Rossol) 1-3 lb. Fresh fish 2-3 onions 4-6 tomatoes (or tomato purre in tin) Sour cream Pepper + salt Prepāring: Put sliced onion + tomatoes in saucepan, put fish on the top, some water to cover + pepper. (Salt later.) Don’t mix. Bring to boil and simmer for 25-35 minutes. Take fish out carefully, so as to not to mix the bones in the soup. When the soup is served – add sour cream, some fine lemon slices and lemon juice to taste.
Lightfish soup Fish, new potatoes water, salt (pepper, not much) When almost ready – add fresh milk, or cream + fresh shallots or spring onions – Sīpollaksti!
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5. aug. 1971. Dear kids, dear Inī!
[…] P.S. If ever one has to be proud of somebody – so I am proud and happy about you — ! You gave me books and spoke about Frenč literature, about Beckett, Camus, Moriak etc. And you – took me to student drama festival!!! That’s why I love it, I should work much more, but I am lonely… That’s a bit hard… but so it is. Xxx M.
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21 Nov. 1971 [From Inese to Dzidra]
Dear Dzid and Clive,
[…] … meantime here is a quote [in Latvian] from Mum’s last letter (sorry Clive… get out that “Latvian without tears”…) … I think it’s just great… I don’t think the Latvians are being any more moronic than usual… I think it’s Mum who’s been doing a lot of thinking (starting with Godot) (but not stopping there) and, also partly through Godot, discovering more vividly than ever just what loud-mouthed ignoramuses the pillars of L. society are… [from Erna’s letter of 4 Nov.]
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12.71 [From Inese to Dzidra] [Xmas card]
[…] …At the moment we’re thinking of heading home in June — for a visit probably — L. has all kinds of business deals going here & wants to come back for them — for a while anyway — and I don’t mind, so that may be what we end up doing — Planning maybe an offspring end of next year (if can manage one!!) And have vague thoughts of maybe bringing Mum out here with us — if she wants to — but all that is just thoughts at the moment — nothing definite yet — Lots of love to you both. Merry Xmas to you both! Inese & Laimons
About Mum, part of our thinking was that if we were to have a baby, it would be good for us &b her (maybe) to have her around — also, we seem to be staying longer than planned, so can’t see what else to do — I mean we’d like to have her — and all — just hope it all works out & that it’s the right decision — In any case, we can try it, and think of something else if it doesn’t work. Thought she could come by boat, which would be more relaxing and she could take all sorts of possessions with her.
This house bit should work out well [I & L bought a house, above, in Aldergrove] — there’s enough land and “nature” around for it to be just great — enough for privacy too — lots of fruit trees — a small creek — the house is a bit unusual, with rough wood planks on some of the walls — staircase going up in middle, fireplace — can look down from bit of a balcony on top of the stairs back down into living room — big glass windows — or rather glassed bits of wall & one set of big glass sliding doors — and much finishing, cupboard building and outside drive etc fixing to be done.
The place is 3 years old — we’ll have to sell mum’s piano & get her another one here — the place lends itself to all sorts of homemade arts & crafts type of things — of all varieties… […] None of this means we’re settling for good. […] Inese & Laimons
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26.8.72 [From Inese to Dzidra]
[postcard]
Dear Dzid & Clive, Well, here we are, Mum & me in W’gong, more or less finished with the packing. The piano has been carted off — and the hallway is full of trunks — a big one & a small one going to you, containing — record player, more books, salad bowl, Mum’s papers, blanket, some sheets, Mum’s “feather bed”, in the big one — in the small one blankets, glasses, iron, pottery, glass carafe — and assorted bits & pieces — so, have fun! I’m about sick of packing though!! And the stuff still has to be moved. we’re distributing furniture & bookcases among friends as much as possible and leftovers (fridge, table, chairs, cupboard, couple of beds & odds & ends) will go to a 2nd hand dealer. It’s funny how prosperous all our acquaintances have become, you can’t give stuff away to them… Meantime our 2 months are nearly over — unbelievably quickly — back in Canada on 2nd September — back at work on 5th!! Don’t feel ready… [Inese]
————————
11. sept. 1972. [Note on outside of Erna’s aerogram]: Everything went like clockwork. Mum’s safely on board. Had a nice afternoon with Austra & Sue at my place. Mrs. Birstins & son came to the boat – are still there drinking champagne. I’ve just left. Tons of love, Ida.
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2.okt.1972 [Erna to Inese] [Postcard] [South Africa. Cape Town — Cable Car on Table Mountain I did fall in love with South Africa! xxxM.
[note from Dzidra]: Friday 20th. Yesterday we heard that we won’t get into the new house till the end of next week – i.e. mum will be staying with Dave & Rosemary & us with Annie & Alan for an extra week. Nothing to be done at this late stage. Meanwhile she’s here & happy & it’s getting crisp & cold & we’re just going for a walk. Much love – happy house decorating. D & C.
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Dec 3. 72
Dear Mum, Dzid, Clive,
Well, how are you all in your house??? I hope you’re enjoying it! I hope you’re NOT spending too much money on it!
Have Jo’s kids been to see you? Some of them are in England (or were, the last we heard) and Jo gave them your address…
Jo has just left Portugal with the other kids and is heading to France and then I think probably Greece, where I think they’re all supposed to meet up, including Garth from here. […]
[…] it’s sunny again today, and with all the glass window space [right], the house is really full of light.
The piano arrived safe and sound and Laimons has been doing some playing — which is great! I’m glad to hear you guys also have some sort of piano, otherwise we were wondering whether we shouldn’t send this one along. […]
[…] I’m working very hard, but by choice not necessity and feel good about it. The art teacher at school decided to give an evening a week to teach us poor other laymen (teachers) to do batik and possibly a few other things — it’s really a great chance, and so, of course, I’ve joined. Last Thursday was the first session and we were supposed to bring along some sort of pattern. I actually managed to do some sketching outside — a funny old church with a separate bell tower — some trees — and although frustrating, it made me feel really good! Frustrating because you feel that with lots (and I mean centuries!) of time, you could really come up with something satisfying!
Meantime, my Tuesday night class on women novelists has just ended — good, in that it give me another free evening, but also too bad, because I really enjoyed it and actually managed to get the reading done! I still go to an anthropology course on Indians of B.C. which is good — Another course (speed reading — it did increase speed + comprehension, but I felt it was too short) has also finished, so I really should have lots of extra time.
Laimons has not gone back to mechanicking and I think it’s OK. He and Garth went out to re-stake claims on some mining property of Garth’s and I think Laimons really enjoys it — and, since the summer that Jo & I went away, Garth & Laimons have been really good friends — which is great. Laimons is doing an evening course two evenings a week on mining and prospecting, and is really enjoying that — meanwhile he & Garth and others are wheeling and dealing on the stock market…
So, generally, I think all that is pretty good.
Austra writes about her daughter, and I guess you know that Sunny & Sue also have a daughter, Kim.
As for us, we are not yet under way […]
Lots of love to you all, Inese & L.
————-
4. dec. 1972. [Note from Dzidra to Inese]: Hurry up & come – for Christmas or New Year or soon.
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24. I. 73. [Dzidra’s addition to Erna’s letter to Inese]
Dear Ones – what words to choose – to announce ANNOUNCE the beginning of a minute Mitchell – especially when I am totally but totally, unable to believe that it’s really happening. The doctor says it’s true – though it even amazed her after I explained that I’d only come off the pill that month – end of November – and since we hadn’t planned anything just yet we continued with condoms and creams except for one night AT A FRIENDS PLACE MIND YOU where we stayed the night after a lovely christmas party and though I had the precautionary d e v i c e s with me Clive took advantage of my besozzled state and persuaded me to throw caution to the winds. That seems to be the most likely time this crazy thing has happened – though the cream was old and we did rely on that alone once or twice thereafter. Jesus christ you’ve no idea the crazy mixture of feelings that envelop me in continuous alternation…
Clive has always been ready as soon as I’m ready – which I haven’t been… and though I’d occasionally played with the idea the way one does I didn’t / DON’T feel ready. When I started to suspect things, and told Clive so, he was so sure it was just my clucky imagination, and post-pill irregularity that I felt quite indignant at his total lack of excitement at the POSSIBILITY, and for the few days between going to the doctor and waiting for the urine test results – with the added aura of surrepticious deviousness since we didn’t tell Mum in case it was all a false alarm – among the mixed feelings of not really being ready yet plus possible muck up of our plans to go to greece for 4 weeks in about May – I did know that I would be disappointed if it was all not true. But then as the day for going to hear the results neared – I became quite sure that by the record of events it was impossible – and all my mental preparation for the confrontation was of how I was going to feel and react when she told me it was a false alarm.
And now the feelings – Clive is so unhappy with his work that I don’t really feel I’m sharing this thing with him at all – and consequently I don’t feel all that good about it – all sorts of rather nasty feelings that I thought big earth mother me I’d never be capable of once I was on the way to motherhood – but perhaps all this is because it did rather catch me out – a feeling almost of being trapped – this churning process that I can’t just halt and try again. This knowledge that this stomach of mine is relentlessly going to come up and up and up and at the end of it there will be the end of aloneness – of completeness – an end to selfishness and self sufficiency.
[part of line missing] because of the enormity of the idea of children in our lives – we could not be able to unscrew our screwing apparatus however much we imagined we consciously wished to until that inner rightness was right. I met Mum on the street on my way home after receiving the positive news and of course blurted it out to her – and her face sort of screwed up in a rather frightened attempt at a smile – there was none of the joyous encouragement I badly needed – her thoughts flew straight to you – „I must go and visit Inese”… You’re glad to have Jo back… how does one tell you to unlax – it sounds so inane. Mum wants to know what plans you think would be suitable – whether who will visit in whatever direction. I have not told anyone else at all about my pregnancy – I have my first examination at the clinic on Feb. 9th. and will write to dad etc. some time after that… still a continuation of my disbelief.
I only saw Jo for a few hours that night she DELIVERED that filthy ashtray on wheels which I managed to disinfect a bit – but we did get a few minutes talk by ourselves – she didn’t paint a very rosy picture – I hope status seeking and trying to prove things isn’t becoming destructive???? Love love love D.
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Jan. 31, 1973
Dear Mum, Dzid, Clive,
I’m sending you Austra’s “Baby” letters — because I like them and they make me feel good about them and life in general etc. — Hope they have the same effect on you!! And if you can get around to it later — send them back — they’re sort of special.
Meantime — first day with new set of kids is over — not much more than meeting them and peering at them and they at me — and mumbling on about “the course” and “the books” and “homework” and “assignments” etc — […]
[…] Went to see Nureyev dancing in “Sleeping Beauty” with the Canadian National Ballet Co. last night — incredible to actually see the guy — and because I thought this is one of those once-a-lifetime occasions, we decided to get expensive seats so that you could really see, & at the curtain calls he was just there, a few yards away…
Meantime, forgot to say in the last letter — Jo says you’ll probably be feeling just fine in about May, Dzid, and should definitely go to Greece — and Greece in May just may be extra beautiful — I don’t know, but it seems kind of a nice thought: “Spring in Greece”… If money’s the problem, we ought to be able to come up with something — so think about it.
Also, I hope it didn’t sound strange about when Mum should come — she’s most welcome any time — I really did mean, though, that you should decide, considering your “new circumstances”… Laimons has been playing the piano a bit, which is great…
So, lots of love to you all — write soon. Love, Inese & L.
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June 10 [1973] [Birthday card to Dzidra]
Dear Mum, Dzid, Clive,
[…] is the reason for the lateness of the card — I was waiting to hear from you on your return from your holiday.
Now hold on tight — this will probably be something of a shock — Laimons and I have separated and are living apart, and have been since November, but I didn’t want to tell you earlier as you would only worry and stew about it all this time — Now that you are all together and that there is only a short time to go before I see you, and can explain it all in person, now seems to be an appropriate time to break the news.
And please don’t get too upset about it — I know it will take some time to sink in and become imaginable, but what trauma there was for us is more or less past. Why did it happen? I don’t really know — though people like Jo and Garth say it was predictable — there was not anything wrong, if that makes any sense — maybe we sort of outgrew each other or something — in lots of ways our relationship was better than it had ever been (and we were always convinced that it was the best possible) — and we had grown more independent of each other — in a good sort of sense… and yet… here I am, away from it — and would not really have it otherwise — I’m sorry about the hurt involved in the split, but there you are. Jo and Garth both fee that we are probably better people for it — and Laimons is doing tremendously well in all his business projects and I think reconciled to our situation — is seeing lots of people etc. It has not demolished his self-worth. Although it doesn’t lessen the hurt for him, he does understand it and accept it — and believes it when I’ve said (and I certainly mean it) that as a person, a guy, a husband and all those things there is no-one who can come anywhere near him — and yet here I am — it doesn’t make logical sense, but…
As for me, I fell for someone else – and when I see you next month, that’s who will be with me — that too is why I’m writing before we arrive, so that the shock is maybe not quite so bad — At first I lived on my own in an apartment in Abbotsford, and then, a couple of months ago, we took an apartment together — I don’t really know what to say about him — any description sounds so technical and off-putting — name, Gordon Leaman [left] — age, 42 — occupation, principal of my school — past history, was married, is divorced — has two children, 16 and 18 who live with their mother, but come here to visit — But this is dreadful and impossible — how permanent we are, I don’t know, mainly for my own confusion (Gordon seems determined on marriage) — I probably haven’t sorted myself out enough yet but in the meantime I think we’re happy — whatever that means.
So there it all is — and I hope you don’t have time to worry about it — because we’ll soon be there.
I’m also well aware how dreadful and cold and horrible it all sounds put down like this in a letter — but if I don’t get it down as quickly and impersonally as possible, I won’t be able to say it at all — I have already delayed and delayed and not been able to face the thought of writing — much to Gordon’s despair — I think he had visions of me not writing at all and us turning up and all you dropping dead with shock.
And now, as the prospect of seeing you gets nearer, he’s getting more and more nervous about meeting you — and wonders what your reactions will be, not just to him as a person, but whatever judgements you might pass on the situation and whether he would be accepted at all.
Anyway, lots of love to you all — please write — and I hope the shock has not been too much.
Inese
[P.S.] Happy birthday and a happy namesday too Dzid! Sorry both wishes come so late […]
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Sept 5. 73
Dear Dzid, Clive, Mum,
Well, have thought lots about you today! — Hope all goes well, today or whenever it so decides.
[…] I really am sick of school and we seem to be thinking of making this the last year for a while — for me at least. Gordon had these brilliant ideas of setting me up doing ceramics or batiks or something and maybe doing it commercially if it works — I don’t know, but I’m about due to start it anyway — already before, Laimons and I had had something similar in mind and had thought of building some kind of “workshop” space onto or near the house… So, maybe… who knows.
Meantime I’m thinking of taking some evening courses — pottery, batik, jewellery design — and that should be fun in itself. […]
Love Inese & G.
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[from Erna on P & O notepaper] 27.9.74.
Esam Los Andželosā [We are in Los Angeles] I had a companion – my age woman from los Angeles – we played scrabble – I won, then she won twice, (just for some little difference), later she said – that I am good at scrabble – because she is good, she said, and she tried hard to beet me (she used such word as zig from zigzag, what we did not, and later put even a plural to it – zigs.) So she tried hard, there nobody plays scrabble, may be in some other rest rooms, where I have not yet been – there are dozens of them. We went like lost sheep round the many rooms and decks – always at last finding, what we wanted, but never remembering again how to do it the second time, and even not knowing which direction really to take to get here or there – just go on walking.
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28.9. 10 a.m. [Erna to Inese]
At noon we will be in S. Fr.
Some people try out piano (in the reading room), I started… only there you cannot play all the time – joined a table for a quiz, but we did not win – though – it was fun. Tomorrow we staying in S. Franc. I booked myself for a 3 ½ hour bus trip to some ‘woods’ and city (6 doll.) I feel all right. Have to move today to the other cabin – probably inside about the same, but very far away from the stairs, also only one bathroom for more cabins, but still – fine. I do not live in cabin – who does? Everybody just keeps ‘changing outfits’ and parading round. So – have to harry to post this. How are you all?? Xxx M. Write – cab. E 206.
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29.9.74. [Erna to Inese] [postcard:Muir Woods National Monument Morning in the Redwoods So shall they live, when ends our day, When our crude citadels decay; For brief the years allotted man, But infinite perennials’ span.]
A letter follows later….
Hello!
Thanks for the letter! It welcomes me in the new cabin. Feel good. Yesterday came in S. Franz. Today had a bus trip to those woods. Had good beautiful fresh air, views etc. Nice harbour. Tried a little to play on the piano. Reread J. Joyce ‘A portrait of, etc.’ Weather fine. Try not to eat too much … Attended a table for a quiz – we did not win – but was fun. We will have new crew from here. So far – very nice everything. Did not see you on the past[?]… Xxx M.
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1. October.1974. [Erna to Inese]
Second day on the way to – Honolulu. Sea – calm. A little sun is showing. All bright – except in the night (they say second night already) some absolutely drunken young men were going all round the E Deck cabins – banging walls and flour and screaming like animals. It was such an awful noise, that I thought – they could not be the white people – may be all the blacks had gone drunk and are going to demolish the ship! It was 4 am, I did not dare to open the cabin door, and was afraid to stay in – the girl from the upper berth jumped down – and opened the door – they were, could say normal people, only ‘lopiski apdzērušies’, [drunk as pigs] every one waving a bottle, bunging everything, there was a fire thing (the read ‘bottle’) one was grabbing on that, and probably not hard enough. The girl (an Australian from Tasmania) was standing like a white, slim angel in her light morning gown and asking to stop it – one came near her, and – kissed her! She run inside and they continued. I pressed the button, to cal the stuart – nobody came. This morning many people are going to biro to complain, one lady had pressed the button for the stuart, for ½ hour – nobody has arrived… By the way – yesterday was the captains cocktail party!!…
Everybody in ‘gala’ looks and moods and then they booze till 2 am in the bars, and half mad go demolishing the ship – and – nobody hears or cares. The night before – I did not hear, the thing went on further from our cabins. So – there is some funny fun too. I do not remember who, in Australia already said, that on a ship once everybody was drunk – including crew – and they were frightened to death how it will end! So – the world is getting wild. The American woman who went off the ship in Los Angeles said, that they are so frightened from attacks on the streets and parking places (mostly robbing) that – if you prepare to go in your car, after shopping, you watch properly from distance, and then – run and lock yourself in the car as quickly as you can…
At captains party – was crowdy, but nice. All kinds of well dressed, overdressed, underdressed and so ladies. I put the green patterned long dress!! Haha. It was the most bright colored dress – heavens! My roommate, the Austr. girl said – it looks nice! OK. Later, when I went in front of her the long corridors to the restaurant for the supper – she asked who made it for me, and repeated that it is very nice. So – who knows – it might be all right even in that crowd of so many nice dresses.
At captains party we kept together with the Austr. girl – and were joined by 3 people more, and one officer then came to entertain us – to speak to us. Asked about our trips etc. He asked all of them, except me – it came somehow so out – so of course – I wanted to join in – and asked if Orsova is still going round? And he said – no! And then it turned out – that on the trip (from Sydney to Southampton) when I went on Orsova – he went too, and remembered the trip very well. I did not remember him.
Yesterday I joined again the quiz – our table did not win again – but one question more they would win if they would listen to my suggestion – that the so called unfinished symphony is not written by Beethoven, but by Schubert. So – if I know really something – I have to speak it out more firmly.
I joined also the indoor players group in – scrabble. There formed a table of 4 people. We had only 2 games – first game I was the poorer looser, the second game – I was the big winner! Only stupid was the confess – that I am glad! Haha. Then it was no time for another game. Just now – I played with a little boy, he still goes only for tin, sun, in, on – but it was fun.
Yesterday in the quiz questions one was – what is the ships alarm signal – ? Nobody knew the answer right – a table wrote: all kinds of bells and whistles adjusting – and all the ships officers – jump in ‘the sea’… Nobody knew the question that asked the names of this ships captains – one table again made fun ‘shark and pike’.
3 oct.
Sailing quietly! Sea calm. – Today did sunbathing, for the first time. I have some trouble – injured my throat with a fish (bone?) went to see doctor – he could not find anything, gave some tablets to suck – a girl, who is nurse, said – she had such trouble once – it may calm down after some time. Hop so. It hurts… Tomorrow – in Honolulu, booked myself for a bus tour – (9 dollars!) Almost – am sorry to go! I play scrabble with many people – usually the big winner! But a mother, who has 5 children, beat me – because she had more practice with the 5!!
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Mond. 7. okt.
Today we will cross the equator. It’s muggy, sea quiet – all goes smooth – except that I cannot speak but whispering, can swallow only with pain – the bloody bone (or wound) is still there. Doctor gave me something strong to inhale – it cleared a little my throat – but not yet proper change – but I hope for the best – many people say – they had the same trouble… And somehow get all right. Now I am a decent old lady – eat slow and carefully, speak little and whispering… And I hate it!!!
I booked myself to a bus trip round Suva – a short one. Had a bus trip out of Honolulu – but we stayed almost all the time in the bus – though it was nice to see the famous piece of land – good for nothing if one has enjoyed Australias rough beaches, wide, free etc. etc.
Play scrabble sometimes. So far only an Australian lady beat me twice – I won the first, she the last 2 in a 3 people game. I quite wonder, how with my poor spelling and little knowledge of words I can do it — ? It’s mostly the eye – to see the pattern, where to put in 2 or 3 words. It pleases me of course, to able to join in something.
Yesterday were the ‘horse races’ – I looked at the first race – and get bored – all the same, as last time on the ship. Have not gambled at all – no good to fall in for pure nuisance – it’s only where you are in company, when it’s interesting. Today lunch up on Promenade deck – last time it was really very good things – all kind of salads – even crab. With all my sore throat I will stuff myself with that food today (have lost a little weight!).
Interesting are quizzes, but to tell the truth – I am pretty stupid on common knowledge – even did not remember, how much a newborn kangaroo weighs – knew its very small, somebody said ½ once. It was – 1 once… And so on. It’s very muggy now – all wet, like in a Turkish bath.
I am longing for a letter from you. Did expect it in Honolulu – but it was not there – so, may be in Suva! Would like to hear – how is everything there with you? Do you do some art or some cooking (preserving) etc. Have no tried yet the California wine Roger suggested…
Tuesday –
All quiet (‘in Western front’…). Hot. Muggy. Yesterday was a big (really Rome’s tme [weather] like) festival for the Neptune – again they ‘cut out’ sausages and dolls out of men and nice girls…
My throat is a little clearer and less painful – so – it probably means, that I will get back my wild manners again. Yesterday I played Bach in a little (writing) room, where seldom come people, and the entertainment officer has sneaked in (I noticed an embroidered blouse and thought – a woman…) and played along – the ‘woman’ furtively disappeared after a while. But later the entertainment officer stopped me in a hall and asked if I would play in the ‘concert’ – the passengers will do next week? He said – he heard me playing, it was very nice etc. I refused because I cannot trust myself – I can do very well sometime, and the next minute – I can slip off the keys completely… And after all – the ‘concert’ is mostly a fun not for a not quite performing stage Bach of mine. Anyway – it was nice that he made that compliment to me. Others do to, if I play confidently for a while… I ordered the Californian white for tonights supper! There is a mother and daughter at my table – (younger a little, then you and me) they were pretty stiff at the beginning, but now we go along quite well at the table – the mother has given me all kinds of special fruits, she got in Honolulu – papaws and avocado pears – so after some thought I ordered not 3 glasses, but a bottle of wine. We will see – how it will go. There is an American girl sometime at our table – she might be the company tonight. The next to us table drink wine all the time – once they passed round (our table too) a ‘glass of love’ – a wine rosé – just to taste – so if it comes to that – we will give a glass to them…
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Suvā, 11. okt. 1974.
I think – Fidgi is more interesting as Havaji. Here is really – nature and nature’s people – but – we did not see too much of Havaji – it was mostly ‘civilized’ places, here the bus went along really poor (real) villages, on unpaved, gravel roads –
When we arrived – in the morning – a huge band was playing aboard – all in costumes: white skirts (approximately) [sketch of man with white skirt with jagged edge] red belt, black tops, black socks – they did all kinds of marching, a real stage performance of a long and complicated poloneze, the leader à la Scott – threw the sword like a feather in the air and caught it etc. Music was fine. A girl who has lived a ½ year here, said it’s a band that makes world tours in other countries too, but its – Suva’s. So – we were welcomed.
On the bus tour we met on the road side somewhere: a mother and 5 children + omā – performance: 4 little (dressed) sung and danced – we stopped and watched – fotografed, cheered – then the bigger boy left her drums (grandma took them over…) and danced too, however he was just in shorts and an old shirt – and mum and granny sang and beat the rhythm faster and faster…
What I want to tell you to try – an Australian man said (he took the nut kodols? of the avocado pear) – you prick the ‘kodols’ of the avocado – there comes a juice out and it colors permanently every stuff – he said you can even prick a pattern or initials and press on the material – leave unwashed 24 hours and then you got orange pattern – OK? Xxx M.
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13.oct. 1974.
Hallo!
Tomorrow will be in New Zeeland! The see is more choppy – it does not yet bother me. Thanks for the letter (it should arrive in Honolulu, but – got it in Suva, fine!) Thanks for the newspapers – you should not bother to send – except if there is some of my works – but it is good to have the news here…
Nothing special happens. I regain my voice slowly and feel much better, can swallow almost without pains – so I had to listen to some people who said – it happens that you got a fish bone or a wound in your throat and – it is well again after some time.
My trip goes to it’s end. May be near those Newzeeland’s and Australias coasts we will have a rougher time!! Otherwise the see – has been absolutely quiet. I loved Fidzi (Suva). It gets cooler to. And that is good – I have more wormer things to put on, as I have the summery dresses.
Watched the crew performing – all kinds of silly, easy jokes – but one can laugh… I do not gamble and do not drink (!) except the one night (supper) with the California’s white wine… A bottle costs 4 dollars (American), and I think – its expensive. So is a glass of wine – 65, 10 or 90 cents. 2 years ago was – 40 cents. Anyway – I do not need more vine. The food is good – only have to choose! Can have camembert almost everyday. Only trouble is – when you come to the cheeses – you are too full to have them…
Have not made any ‘lasting’ friendships. Had more compliments for piano playing – people probably are fed up with radio and modern jazz music what goes all the day in all kinds of ‘bars’ and rooms, and when somewhere one quietly is playing the piano – they enjoy it.
So – your rain is starting! But you might get some sunny autumn days – go for mushrooms! I had heard about that red ‘bērzlape’ before, it was said – the one who has also a red stalk, or reddish stalk but at home we liked those very much – they had strongest mushroom taste… We boiled them, until they loose all the colour – and ate them. But – you can avoid them. All the gailenītes and bekas – as I read there – are innocent. Anyway – there are other things to eat… Xxxx M. P.S. Got a letter (in Aukland) from Ida – Austra is going to meet me at the ship!!! Xxx
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Hallo from Australia! [Erna to Inese]
I am at Ida. It’s 7 am 18 oct. 1974 . Arrived yesterday at noon. […] […][I phoned Mrs. Vicman in Wollongong to say I won’t be able to come today — although I wrote that I would — they are a bit hurt] – but I cannot arrange every so – that I can use all the conveniences and help I need of them – and to offend somebody which cannot be fitted in the ‘program’ as expected. Still – it is the hardest thing for me – to offend somebody by neglecting some former arrangements. I phoned too late to Wollongong – a lady (of the group) had arrived with the flowers, Aina said. Bad! Awful! But that lady is just waiting for such a moment when and where she could (arrive wit her flowers…) She is sweet – I know her, but the most part of the flower business’ joy – is for herself, not for me, even if she thinks its for me. She needs it all to fill her life. So – actually it is not too bad if she had to fill yesterday with disappointment about the flowers. But – that thing she does not understand either. She has been just – sad! Oh! What was next?
Saturday at Ida’s. Yesterday – talked with Austra + Taņa [note inserted, upside down in the space between the lines: Marvellous of course, but my heart turns when I have to think how big Talis will be… when I will see him…] till Ian came. Then had a biezpiena + anchovies omelette + coffé and then Ian took me to Cameray again – I stayed there an hour – spoke to Mrs Essers – took the room $10 a week – can use automatic washing mash., piano, kitchen, pots + pans – T.V., etc. I do not know yet, what my pension will be – but this 10 a week, probably is the lowest I should have to pay for a bare little room anywhere else. So – its fine. And afternoon sun is in the room too. There is a little bed, nice desk, lamps, a big cupboard, 2 chairs and a tea table, bare walls for my own (Dzidras etc.) pictures, one door to entré hall other to another entré room before the kitchen.
Will stay with Ida till tomorrow – Sunday morning. I suddenly feel – I need rest, and there in my new room without my things, I would be just an object to the landlady to talk to (she is talkative) and at the moment – I cannot stand anymore talking – had it with Ida, Freijs, Austra, landlady!! One thing I may learn from the landlady – that even if you are the sweetest thing – it is not good to be talkative as I sometimes are too… and the moment also…
[section circled]: !! So – read this first: !! Arrived – all right (throat – allright) Ida + Mrs Freijs met me (Freijs + flowers, Ida + car…) Stayed (and still till Sunday) with Ida. Saw – Austra + co. (Ian, Taņa). Took the room in Cameray $10 a week. Tomorrow Sunday Ida will take me to the new room. Will collect big luggage on Monday – do not know yet – how? Maybe with Imants utility (Austra mentioned he has got one) Will go to Wollongong with Ida on Wednesday – Will fix up my pension and bank there (transfer from Wollong. to Sydney and transfer from England to Sydney). Now if you want to – you can read the long messy letter with the details. And know Austra has written you pages and pages and had not sent them just as you sometimes get shy or unsure etc. Xxx M. Now – please send [….]? [….] to the friends.
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15.12.74 [From Inese to Dzidra] Laimons & Dianne have just left for a few weeks (I don’t know for how long) in Australia — Mum met Mrs. B. & she was looking forward to their coming — So, I feel free! [Inese]
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20. febr. 1975. [Erna to Inese]
P.S. Dear Inny I thought so $930 for ticket $100 for picket money – if they ask for explanation – but if I had known that in Australian dollars it makes only 800 – I would have asked to calculate for a bigger sum. Anyway – I have left here more then I thought – still 800 doll!! Fine! Use it. Xxx M.
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19.3.1975 [Erna to Inese] Card: Daudz labas laimes! [A very happy birthday!] 1975. Mama.
Mīļo Inī un Gordon! Happy Easter to you! […] Hope Jums iet labi [things are fine with you]. I feel pretty useless. Relax! Xxx M.
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Tuesday 22. 4. 75.
Dear Inese and Gordon!
I am so tired of rain, of waiting for the letter from editor (just as a waiting for Godo…) that I will do this letter with all the complaints in latvian…
[…]Jau ceturtdiena [Thursday already] – no news, no letters at all, nor from you, not from Dzidra, not from Editor! Ida said – she does not know if she will be able to go to Windzor, but if she will not go, she said Ian + Austra will take me there. O.K. I want to be there and walk in the bush. I am tired of those dogs un cats here, I want to look at sky and have quietness and cleanliness round for a change. On T.V. there was an interview with an American lady (married to an Australian) she critisized very much Australia, also she talked about dogs, which are going round, turning rubbish bins over, leaving their dirt on the streets etc. So I am not alone complaining about too much dogs… Please scribble a letter!! Send it here – I will be back in a week. Have a good springtime!!! Xxx M.
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6. jun. 1975.
Dear Inese and Gordon!
Has not heard from you lately!? But my be it seems to me a long time, just because I went through some little difficulties and happenings… I am in Marricville hospital – rītu iešu mājās!!! [tomorrow I’m going home!!!]
7. jūn. Was interrupted yesterday – oh! I will speak latvian, after operation my thinking is – slow…
Operācija bija 4. jūn. ap 2 pm. Dr. P. Halliday ir (liekās) specialists, ķirurgs uz venu operēšanu. Man operēja tikai labo kāju – kreisā vēl laba [….] [The operation was on 4. June at about 2 p.m. Dr. P. Halliday is a (apparently) specialist, a vein operation surgeon.] Spent 2 days at home, Mrs. Esers looking after me with a duck dinner etc. Feel well…
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20.7.75 [From Inese to Dzidra] [Sydney] […] I’ve paid $70 deposit on Mum’s fare… […] I find that I don’t like Sydney any more (me! saying that!). It’s big and ugly and dirty and the people are petty & boring & dumb — and I don’t think I’ve ever called the place “dirty” before…
I really don’t know — I’m certainly — really & truly not trying to dissuade you about coming here — I’m just telling you my own reactions. In fact I can’t see how you can decide without coming here — In that sense it was a good thing Mum came home, otherwise she would never have felt “at home” anywhere else, always feeling that she really “belonged” here — well, she doesn’t feel that way any more. So, advice I can’t give & don’t want to — it would probably be best to visit & look, but that costs a lot of money.
[…] Meantime Mum & I are settled in Austra’s flat & bare waiting for the other two (Brian & Gordon] tonight — Rita & I will meet them. [Inese]
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Friday 29th August 1975 [From Inese to Dzidra] Well, I’m airborne, heading back to Canada… […] After my first nasty impressions, I left feeling a bit better about the place — but then we were living on the harbour, sailing across on ferries and seeing lots of lovely friends…
[…] Sunday, 7 September […] I guess Mum has written to you that she’s booked on 2nd February to come here. Also, they are finally getting divorced — Ojars Neimanis is kindly looking after the legalities — this came up because Mum would need Dad’s permission to become an immigrant here — and since I feel I would still rather not tell him that she’s coming to live with us (or you), I thought it might be easier to arrange a divorce & it is — Dad didn’t mind at all, and had already considered it himself but hadn’t got around to it yet — so there doesn’t seem to be a problem. [Inese]
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8. Sept. 1975. [Erna to Inese] Dear Inese and Gordon! Today I got a telegram from Toronto – Uncle Jaša has died. On the little island, from heart attack. Feel a little stupid. I even wrote on a piece of paper, when you were here – to remember – that I have to write to him on Jēkabu dienā! Un aizmirsu un neuzrakstīju. [And I forgot and did not write.] [M]
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[mailed 19 Sept. 1975] [Erna to Inese]
Hello, There!
Got your card today – has travelled a long time. Today Ian came and went, and Austra will come later, she is in the town – shopping. Ian will stay until sunday, Austra, he said, will stay a couple of days longer. From Canberra they went to Windsor yesterday, left Taņa there. They will arrange all about the transport men and then they will come in 2 weeks time and pack all the things and take away. Ians mum will take the flat over, and however she is not moving in straight away – she slowly will do it, and come some times before Xmas here, so – she said – she will not lend it any longer, just until they take the furniture away. For me it’s O.K. I was at Essers one evening – we watched T.V. She wants me very much to come back. Her one old cat has died, she feels old etc. I stayed the night there, she gave me an enormous soft and large blanket, and I slept in my old room. As the spring comes – it will be all right for me there. Mr. Freij had been sick, pretty badly, with flu. I also was a little with ‘izsitumiem uz lūpas’ [spots on my lips], it was a cold week when you left. I did not go to Wollongong. Visited Latvian home, met some Wollong people there – might go to Wollongong later – when my staying here will be finished and all the things taken back to Cammeray. Going to Wollongong means only – that I might get some dress or blouse made. Those 2 weeks here – I will spend to finish the countless letters to retype. I did not know – there are still so many…
Dzidra has not written. Editor has not written. Hope – soon I will get some news. The spring is there for 2 last days now – is getting milder and warmer. The awful thing is – that the time has run away – the people who were there, when I ‘blissfully’ started my writers carrier, start to – die off! And I have not yet reached my climax in my writing!! When I read all my letters, I see also the reasons for that, but sure – I should have done more.
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Sept. 25. 1975.
Dear Inese and Gordon.
I am back in Cammeray. It was cold weather for 2 days and I have to fight my rheumatism (?), but otherwise – everything is allright. Ida took me here. Ian came the same day from Canberra in, when I was moving (Sunday afternoon) and he helped Ida with my bags. Not that Ida was worried how to manage it all – but I was sitting all the day with the packed things and worrying – how the hell we will get them down and up etc. Ian helped, it went quick. Here – in the warm weather might be the best time to live. But – it is only 2 month, hot or cold, and then I go to Bondi.
I do not think to go to Adelaide, I got a letter from Mrs. Kreismane to go, but I can not make it all – and for the expenses and trouble – I do not see the reward there – the same little talks and big pretendings and that’s all. I am waiting for news from my editor and pray – he would make the book before Xmas. As he has not written to Dzid, asking for more illustrations (as he planned) I hope – he has enough stuff of all the things, that has been send to him – AND IS MAKING THE BOOK READY? –
Got a letter from Dzidra – the same you got. Could not sleep last night thinking of the mad plans they make. But – I can understand they do that. They are tired of the tension – you were too – now you are living in country, what they are longing for. But – I do not believe – they can make it there, in Wyong. Please – write to them as clearly as possible about all the problems, also – if you would like to have them [in] Canada near you, may be – to buy the place from your landlord together and share the ground for two families? I just started to think it last night. The youngsters – Talis and yours if you adopt and have also yours – they would be happiest to be near, I too – I do not know how the 2 ‘real families’. And – I think – they should not sell the house unless – they can buy in Canada or even from Dad – straight away a property, otherwise they will come to a state they even cannot imagine – living in Dads farm etc…
I do not see other way out of it (those ideas) as for them to come for a visit. At least Dzid, and then if she feels – they still want to come, may be they can arrange the visas so, that she has not to return to England, and Clive can fix the selling or renting the house. I always have said – do as you like, as you think it is right – when asked about opinions, but this time I am terribly scared, and I write a short letter to Dzid, telling – I do not believe in their plans, and first thing – not to sell the house in a rush. If Dzid speaks about – the Union of the family – then naturally – it does not work out to be – in Australia, as you are not coming back, and Dad is happiest as he is now, he even can be shaken out of all his balanced life – if Dzid and Clive – live in his house, it would be different, if they could buy it – then at least – after some trying out the life there (if really comes to that) they had something to sell, and be able to move. I understand how Dzidra feels. You have been twice in Australia – since you left – she has not been, she feels hard about Australias climate beaches, life (at least she misses it and hopes here is nice etc.) so – she has to sea – the reality. But – how? They have to have a little money – Dzid has to use it for a visit, and Clive (as I understood from Dzids letter) has some hopes to travel here on companies expences – They should use that opportunity. They – should come and see – they should go for a visit to Canada (if its cheaper) and see – if they could make their lifes there. I think – Dzid could fall in love with Canada easily – the country, the weather etc. But – they have to see. And first and last – not to sell out, before they know where they are running in. Dzidras letter for the first time may be, sounds to me – just unreasonable – just – longing to be away, to believe – there is some easier, happier life – and just there – where she was a child and where with all the difficulties – the life was sunny.
I wrote to my editor asking how the bookmaking goes and also – mentioned that I have that 10 years period letters of Sarma and me – and if he would be willing to print them in a book very soon. I think that book might pay. Zariņš (the big businessman…) was interested in those letters, when I left for England last time – he even asked me – what about the letters – do I take them with me? So – if not that editor – I might find (may be) an editor easier for the letters, as every editor first thing is afraid – if the book will sell? Oh, if he just would make this my book before Xmas. May be I could make some – books!
Hope to hear from you soon – how your studio is progressing, how is the weather, how your creative jobs go on etc. etc. If Dzid really settles in Australia, and – so soon, may be I have to postpone my coming to Canada a little. But – I would not do it willingly. I have counted, and still do count the weeks and month I have to spend here. I do not like[love?] Australia as much as I did. Except from the happiness to be near children – England and Canada – let me feel 2 forgotten but once owned things – the kindness of the northern country’s nature and the status – not to feel a bloody newcomer, what I feel here everyday, every hour – I am stranger between the people, always like the jews by the Nazies with a yellow star on the front. I know – it is too late for me to make real a life, friends etc. there – but – I cannot do it here either. I also would be happy I imagine – that my grandchildren could grow up – well, not in Australia. I think they might find a wider, quieter mental bases for their lifes there. Not that – is my business to think of them, and not that anything else makes so much difference, as just – to be reasonably well off in the country you live. I am tired – feel better now, after seeing you, as you could say do Dzidra some clever words… But – the best thing after [..] that useless thinking about lives etc – that – everyone is well – Talis has m[..]my [..] on and is healthy and happy, and you have your beautiful little house and can [..] each other etc. etc.
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Tuesday the 7. Okt. 1975. [Erna to Inese]
Hello there! Pēcpusdiena. Saņēmu Jūsu vēstuli – kartiņu. [Afternoon. I got your letter — card.] Paldies, thank you for Birthday greetings and – Congratulations, congratulations to you both! So there you are – happy as can be!!! [Inese and Gordon got married on October 2, in Victoria on Vancouver Island, left] I am not going to write it down all the good things I wish to you – you know it and hope and accept and they will come! it must have been nice on the Island! May be better all that happening as if it had been here. It seems to me you have not got yet the letter from Dzidra, and the letter (after Dzidras letter) from me. It has changed all my future plans and hopes – and I do not know how all will turn out and be. I really – wanted so very much to live there with you, and also – away from Australia. Now – I do not know what will happen. There is no letter yet from Dzidra. I am afraid – my first letters (I wrote 3 letter one after the other to her…) were very – against all her plans and may be hurt her and confused her. But in the last letter I accepted everything that comes and what they choose etc. and thought – if they come here in the time – I have to leave – I might postpone my trip to Canada. There are many young people who – go back to ‘nature’ (Mrs. Buivid said – her Edvin is away in country life too) But still – I hardly can imagine how they could settle in Wyong. I also cannot imagine – dad selling it for nothing, where after some years – you and Dzid could have so much to sell of the land. You need (Dzidra needs) some capital so very much. But – how to make it with dad? Couldn’t he sell to Dzid? Could not Dzid come and see and arrange things, and have the visit and may be – get rid – of that dream of Australia. I am waiting for her letter again, and for your letter with news – what you have decided together with Dzidra?
I got a letter today also from Alma – Jašas wife. She writes all how it happened: they were in the Island – had Light lunch, started to look the afternoon program on T.V. then after some 10 minutes Jaša said – that his head is dizzy (reibst) and wanted to go to bed – she helped to get him up from the chair and helped to go to the bedroom but at the bedroom door Jaša fell to the ground. Alma put a pillow under his head, asked – how he feels. Nothing, he said – only dizzy. She gave him water to drink – he said – now it’s better! And then she saw – that his look is not anymore alive. And he stopped to breathe. Then she ran and called for help, and the neighbors came, and doctor came in 15 minutes with helicopter – but Jaša was dead. She says – he was all right, had not high blood pressure, however he took some medicine (for heart?) all the time. He felt happy and full of joy to live. Alma also send me Austras letter which came after Jaša was buried. Jaša died on 5th of Sep. Austra has written the letter on 4th of Sept. But she has written sometimes all the time to them and Jaša has known how Austra and his children live in Latvia. Lately – they seem to go on very well. So – there we are. May be – the cream and butter had something to do with the early death, but Jaša suffered mentally much of his guilt – by marrying Alma, and leaving his children, and some of the children, Gunta – the eldest daughter and the son also – I think had made him very bitter accusations. He never really was free from those heavy thoughts… I could have written him more often too –
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15. okt. 1975. [Erna to Inese]
Hallo!
This card is kind of good luck massage to you – I + G! [message in response to news of I & G getting married beginning of October, right]
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Thursd. 23.okt.
Dear Inese and Gordon!
Thank you for ringing me – it was nice to hear your voices. I am lately very impatient – wait for letters, wait for my book, wait for going to Canada, wait for summer..
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2. of Nov.
Esmu [I am in] Canberrā – good holiday, soon leaving for home. Xx [Note in Austra’s handwriting]: I just had a beautiful day at Lanyon with your mum + Ida. Have your news via both of them. Am writing to you next week. Happiness to you both. Love. Best wishes. Harts.
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[Bondi 2026 Australia] Friday, the 12. Novemb. 1975. [Erna to Inese]
Hallo there!
I am the second week in Bondi – and the weather is getting hotter and hotter, today reaches over 100… I have drunk all the beer (cold!!!!!) I found here in the fridge – 4 cans! Have not done a thing worth mentioning. Though have been back in Cammeray a couple of times – got the money you send! Thank you very much! I have saved too! Went to P&O, but have not got the ticket yet – as I still have not got the USA visa in my passport – will have it after Xmas. But I paid the money (the rest) for the ticket and got a receit on which I will get the ticket as soon as I will arrive there with the passport and visa. Have not heard yet from Canadian Embassy – I brought them the last asked paper (a paper from Justice of peace that – Inese is my daughter…) – and now just have to wait for their letter, that I am allowed to – immigrate to that Magnificent Country!!! In this terrible heat – really I think – it is magnificent, as it does not torture their people baking them alive… Tomorrow is the big day – the elections. Sorry – the most spectacular scenes on T.V. will be finished now! (I really do not know – why I am blubbering in English?…) [….] Anyway – you must be bored to death no manas politikas [my politics]!! (But believe me – I am pretty clever, when I compare my impressions, my conclusions, etc.). – I am doing quite fine! Sure – I loose much – not being able to catch all what is said in English, also – I do not know anything about real politics. Well – I have been pretty useless in my own field.
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Otrdiena [Tuesday] 13. janv. 1976. [Erna to Inese]
Wednesday. Today I went second time to PO – and there is how I will travel:
February 1. leave Sydney 3. in Brisbane Mail: Passang. E. Dz. Ship ‘Arcadia’ Cab. F214 P & O Australia Ltd. GPO Box 134 Brisbane, Q’ld, 4001
7. in Suva Union Steamship Co of NZ Ltd. PO box 43 Suva, Fiji
13. in Honolulu P&O LInes’s Agent PO Box 3165 Honolulu, Hawaii
18. in San Francisco Williams Dimond & Co. 215 Market street San Francisco, California 94105 USA
If you want to write to some of the ports – please do it early.
Thursday.
I am back in Cammeray. [Got your letter with pictures] Beautiful!! I am all right. [I have to go to ] Ojārs [right] office, [to get] certificate (divorce) [and then to} Canad. Embassy.[…]
I am glad to leave this funny country. I am glad to come to you! I am glad – you got the house there! Be careful with the long driving to San Francisko. I will look forward for the trip. Still 2 weeks here to run around pretty madly!…
Today Mrs. Leucinger arrived from Switzerland and Mr. Leucinger took me home here to Cameray. So – here I am. They paid me clear 85 dollars (I had not to pay for the burnt kettle and phone calls…) So its – all right. Now – have to run with the letter and may be even to city, to Ojars etc. Yours M. Please write early all messages.
I am here again on Arcadia at my old writing table, in the sunny Cornwal room! Feel great! Little bit bored with the old, very old, elderly, withering faces… But have to – join the club…
I am rocking to Honolulu! Hope to be there – after tomorrow! The weather is fine. Today is a little bit more rocky, but still not harmful. I have had some nice swimming in the pools and sun backing. My new denture is funny (big, horselike) and hurts a good deal when I eat. So I am eating less eagerly and am not putting on weight. And – feel all right. Have already my disembarking card ready. Only have to ask still about the heavy baggage – if they will keep it and if I can get it out on Saturday?
[I hope there will be a letter from you in Honolulu and information about the hotel where I will have a “room booked”. I feel fine, though the people are very boring] – 75% old housewifes, then some of their husbands, and some young boys and girls. No one ‘to catch’ except cold… I have not yet caught that. Some have.
Honolulu, 13. 2. 76.
I am here! Got your card!! Thanks. Congratulations to Gordon, for his promotion! I am very happy for him! It shows that he is now ‘a good boy’!! haha!
[Thanks for the news about the Holiday Inn. I will find it with a taxi]. Mana cabin mate, Australian girl, who goes to England to study Scientology (science about souls returning many times back to live on this Earth…) She said she will see me off the ship. […] So much to see, when I will be there. I have some dill seeds – big and nice from Esers garden, hope – custom men will not find them. I myself do not know – where I put them in?… See you very soon!!! Xxx M. P.S. My cabin is O.K. I like that it is so near [..]
[October 1977, Erna returns to Australia]
[Erna and Talis in Dzidra’s house in Sydney]
[no date – from Sydney to Mission] [Erna to Inese]
Hallo there!
Here I am sending you a proof that what I told you about the oldtime Latvians making food from the ‘grass’ (kaņepes – Hanf in German) is true. Siegfried von Vegesack is a Baltishen Baron, lived in Estonia and Latvia, he has written a big roman (and other books – short stories etc.) about German baron life in Baltic from the end of 19. cent. till the world war first. The book a novel, 500 pages is named ‘Die Baltische Tragodie’. There you have a little quote off the page 441: „Unten beim Gartnerhauschen glomm ein gelbes Licht hinter dem Fenster. Drinnen war es warm, es roch nach Hanf und frischgebakenem Grobbrot. Karlin stapmfte in einem gewaltigen holzernen Morser Hanfkorner, und Aurel musste von dem schwarzen Brei kosten, der wie Wagenschmier aussah. Dieser sonderbare Geruch, dieser kraftige Geschmack errinerten ihn an die Kindheit. Und immer noch nannte Karlin ihn ‘Jungherr’, klopfte vertraulich seinen Arm, sprach von alten Zeiten: von Indrik, von Marz, vom Vierzug un vom alten Jaunsem.” — Siegried von Vegesack ‘Die Baltische Tragodie’. [The Baltic Tragedy]
In that book are names of very many places in Latvia, also the names of some persons (latvian) at the world war first time, when the Latvians were fighting and got their own country and government – and freedom. But the author does not tell much, actually – as little, as possible, as his interests are – only the Baltic Germans. It is interesting to read, because of the nature descriptions, and very nice portraiting – how the German Barons lived until the world war first: very leisurely and very good indeed. All the servants were Latvians and – poor and miserable. Only shortly before the 20. century they started to own land and get better materially, started to send children (some only) to universities with the Latvian names changed with German endings – Salming, Avoting, etc. Vegesack also mentions the name ‘pelēkie baroni’ (the gray Barons) as were called the first rich Latvian farmers. It was interesting to read the big book – to see the end of a 700 years long time of German Barons, (von’s, and Graf’s, and Gutbesichters) ruling over Latvians. Most sweet and nice nature descriptions and the carefree idill of Baron life.
We are proceeding with our summertime. I am going for swim to Bondi. The water is very warm, however we had some big storms and all the sand of Bondi beach is blown up till the big street – buldosers are working to push it back to the water side, but so far the beach is made by the storms very shallow and flat, and it makes the water coming even from a quiet ocean roll big waves. Good for the surfers. For the more quiet swimmers now lately is convenient the childrens’ swimming pool – where the waves roll in – too wild for the little kids, but clean and fine and excellent for the grownups to enjoy swimming round. Well – that’s fine. Only after the morning spent on beach – one is useless all the day for some proper mental work – one just wants to ‘feel good’…
This week Tālis is with Clive in Balmain. The house is not yet put on – sell, but they plan to do it soon. I might go to friends in Wollongong next week.
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Inese’s trip to Poland — postcards sent to Gordon, shared with mum
5.06.79 [Warsaw, old town, lane, church spire at end]
By the sound of mail here — I may get home before this does — Excruciatingly long day yesterday — by the time we got to rooms were just about dead — … we’re out in twos, on rooms rented by private families — Pope has filled all else — Pope pictures & flags everywhere — photos sold on streets — we’re constantly accosted by people wanting to get some $ — were gypped by cabman yesterday — Can’t communicate with landlord/lady in any of my lingos — however they are very nice & our room is very comfortable — some others not so lucky, so they’re off making changes today — weather hot — had fun trying to use public phone today to ring Michelle & find out where we were to meet this morning! — Today, mostly walking about old town — but already saw two weaving exhibitions (by chance) — tomorrow we begin touring studios — tonight we are going to theatre — not sure if it is a play or ballet/dance…
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6.06.79 [Warsaw. Plac Zamkowy]
… jet lag… We didn’t manage the theatre last night — time caught up with us & by the time we had supper, we got there 15 minutes late & they wouldn’t let us in. Michelle put on a fine scene in Polish, but it didn’t help. However, we’re just back from the ballet (Giselle) tonight — it is very cheap here (in our terms) — Today was long and hot — Warsaw apparently is the hottest spot in Europe at the moment — We started at 9 am and visited 3 weavers in their studios — it was really fantastic — they we all very nice to us, served us cool drink, showed us slides, photos & and whatever works they had on hand, gave us further addresses etc… I have a neat room-mate & we’ve decided to buy wine/cheese/bread etc & do our meals that way — getting the stuff takes some time, endless lines — but neither of us feels like eating out all the time, so by tomorrow we should have the whole system going.
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7.06.79 [Warsaw. Old town alley]
I’m wondering if you got the job. So I hope you’ve bought a tape or keep the paper, if it says anything about the Pope’s visit here — especially as he seems to have taken a few digs at the Russians. Today is as hot as ever, but I think I’m over jet lag — now I’m just worn out from standing in line to buy food & then lugging it about — not really — we keep stopping to have lemon tea (in glasses) at sidewalk restaurants — it is a great reviver. Today we visited another weaver in her studio and another one came to join us there — one who spoke English, so everyone could communicate — I find I can follow tiny bits of conversation (with rusty remains of Russian, sometimes similar) — but am often frustrated when I read or hear words I once knew the meaning of — now long gone! Second visit was to an Art Academy to see the weaving section — We really are seeing a lot — I don’t know how Michelle does it — she’s 4 months pregnant!… This afternoon we are looking at shops (couldn’t get hold of someone we wanted to visit) — so, it’s probably a good break.
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8.06.79 [Warsaw. Main square]
…Today was the first overcast day, but only occasionally cooler. One member stayed home with some bladder infection (not from here) — maybe just attention seeking — she’s a bit out of it — older, non-weaver, fat, suffering in the heat & walking, including endless 6th floor apartments — another has the runs — the rest of us seem fine, but are worn out today with 3 studio visits & one Fine Arts School visit (studios + exhibition) — so we’re home early to eat & drink & go to bed for 5am rise & train trip to Lodz tomorrow — we’ll stay there overnight — at a hotel this time, so we’ll all be together — I’m glad we get to try one Polish hotel! Visited and old lady (81) today, now senile, who was still weaving a year ago — saw one piece in Vancouver a few years ago. Not looking forward to trams & luggage.
PS Just in case you get this before mid-June — I hope you’re still off to Bellingham & UBC Mum!
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8.06.79 [Warsaw. Old fortifications walls & towers for old city]
It has just occurred to me that my cards are getting pretty boring — X number of visits, heat, etc. So, one of these visits goes something like this: We all arrive outside a big central hotel from our separate directions by rickety trams — (but most efficient) — buy a bunch of flowers from a florist or the umpteen little ladies on the corner (each contributing however many zlotys it takes) & catch more trams or walk, map in hand to the day’s address — usually up about 6 flights of stairs (though now we have a universal elevator key — they are locked — and only the fit ones go up the stairs, the others go on the lift — it won’t take all of us) — are greeted very pleasantly & usually served cool drink — look at catalogues & slides of work & whatever is on hand — beg to photograph & snap away — Michelle talks away in Polish & translates — I strain to pick up what I can catch (not much) — thanks, handshakes, down stairs, walk, tram & repeat.
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9.06.79 [Warsaw — Narrow lane with church tower at end, sun & shadows]
Well, today we’re in Lodz, but haven’t bought any cards here yet — set off early & caught train at 7.30 — our train pass is 1st class, so it’s comfortable — 6 hrs — Lodz, checked into hotel — big room, bathroom, etc. even TV — off to Textile Museum — incredible — Lodz has apparently always been the textile centre of Poland — their collection of tapestries is immense — 2 exhibitions & visit to their storage section — couldn’t really examine stuff there, but just to see endless stacks of them was overwhelming — they have some 800 modern and about 1000 old — I guess we saw some 100 on show — all this possible only because we’re an “official” group (the shows weren’t open yet) — It’s fun to stay at a hotel — breakfast included — and dining is very cheap (to us) — had a late lunch — tonight we’re to see more studios & have put in stocks of wine & cheese etc for after (since we’re all in one place for once). Shopping here is a little pleasanter than in Warsaw (smaller town, I guess) — however no olives, next to no fruit and still long queues. The pace is pretty hectic — think we all have blistered feet & fall into bed — traffic noise like you wouldn’t believe doesn’t keep us awake!
I’ve missed a day — but couldn’t write on train (too bumpy + we were too tired last night to do anything but fall into bed). [This report then for 10.06.79 I assume] Had a studio visit in the morning, where the weaver’s husband held court, while she ran around preparing a fabulous lunch of cold meats, cheeses, tomatoes etc, all very expensive & really too soon after our large Hotel breakfast, but we could hardly refuse — then he ferried us back to the hotel (2 loads) & as time was running short took us & luggage in shifts to the station — slow train to Katowice — we all shared bread, biscuits and bottle of wine en route — changed trains and on to Krakow — saw 2 pheasants and a castle on the way — poppies & cornflowers in the fields — hay stacks and scarecrows. Arrived 9 pm, very tired — station jammed with people, most falling asleep where they stood or sat (Pope’s home town — he’d been here till 2 pm — people very excited) — rushed to tourist office (praying it would still be open) to get our room addresses, queued for taxis — arrived 11 pm — our landlady works in tourist office & speaks English — room great — much relief — very tired.
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11.06.79 continued [Krakow. Folk dancers]
Landlady’s mother served us lovely breakfast this morning (funny how these small basics matter so much — whether you can have a bath, find a toilet, care for your feet & carry weight of bag, etc…) Krakow was not bombed, so old town in centre survived — much emotion about Pope — some chance that will see religious procession later in the week (Pope has gone, but it’s a traditional one that has been suppressed for past 15 years) (Almost beginning to feel we wished we had been present — the excitement is catching) — We visited the Art school weaving department & Ethnographical Museum (among other things, such as costumes and equipment, including looms etc, there were life-sized wooden carvings of bears, people etc, little holes for belly buttons — they were bee hives!!! holes were the entry way & back had openings where could get at honey!!) In afternoon, souvenir buying fever bit — (cheaper & maybe more unusual here) — huge folk art market & lots of other stores — Michelle had kept saying “wait till Krakow, it’s better there.” She lived here before — today is moving in with friends — It’s much nicer than Warsaw.
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12.06.79 [Krakow. Folklore group]
First rain, but not very heavy — to market to be tempted by basket — lady selling 2 cupfuls of wild berries. Before that, we had super breakfast, including strawberry cake! (made by landlady’s mother for a birthday the previous day) — gift & souvenir buying bug is still with us — suddenly aware that we’ll be gone from here soon & things will be a lot more expensive — Visit with two weavers today, the second of which was the most charming old lady you could imagine — aristocratic, gracious, etc — she was expecting 10 (we are 7) only 3 arrived (others sick/tired/or wanting to do their own thing) — 10 ft long antique table laden with cookies, strawberries, liqueur chocolates, coffee, Vermouth, Vodka, Pepsi — we ate some of everything & drank coffee + vodka (really special — not like stuff we buy) — and talked and talked — she visits relatives in Holland & France — has been to other places — spoke English — told of war & post war problems — Procession here & everywhere in Poland will be first in 40 years — National Holiday.
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13.06.79 [Folk dance ensemble from Maribor, Jugoslavia]
Today has turned out to be a bit of a tourist day — we did set off at 9.30 to see the state co-op weavers who produce all the tourist & export tapestries (some are designed by people we have seen) — however, we were not allowed to visit the factory/workshop without umpteen letters from Ministries of X, Y & Z. So we went shopping instead (all will be closed tomorrow & Friday we leave) –… last thing this afternoon we stumbled onto the castle (had forgotten about it) & toured that…. At 8 pm we visit another studio. Tomorrow the big procession takes place and the town is really filling up with people again. You can really feel the excitement in the air — we’re into fine calculations/estimations to see that we have enough money to the end, but none left over, since they won’t change it back. This morning I was awakened by a pigeon cooing about 18″ from my head (on the sill — window open) — so we fed him some bread.
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14.06.79 [Krakow. Big square in front of cathedral 13-15c.]
Last day here today — Started off slowly enough — baths & washing and cleaning nails etc — to town to see procession — rain on and off — thought we had missed it, but it seems it stops at about 5 outside altars — people all dressed up, incredible crowd — a long outdoor service — people responding & singing & kneeling & moving on — all very serious and quiet (but they seem that way anyway) — at one point I went down some back streets to intercept the procession & to try & get a closer look — not too many people there, so walked with it (everyone singing) — then it ended in a small square & church — no exit — all the masses behind just kept coming forward — I thought I’d be there for hours — couple of people moved back — followed them till I lost them — inched my way on my own — seemed to be for hours — almost panicky — finally got out — later visit to another studio — then to cafe to spend last zlotys & home to pack — we are going to be too early for taxis — should be fun.
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15.06.79 [“Va(sic) et découvre le vieux Lausanne” — 6 pics]
It’s probably not a good time to write a card — especially as it will probably be the first to reach you — I have been writing every day, but no one holds out any hope for Polish mail. The Poland part of the trip was really good — all kinds of frustrations, but on a basic survival level — we saw from 2-4 studios/exhibitions a day & that was tiring but great — Today we got up at 4.30 to lug suitcases to the nearest tram (too early for taxis!) to Zurich to Geneva, bus to Lausanne, Metro to hotel — got there after 3 — had to be ready by 4.30 to go to the Biennale opening — all very confusing, weren’t sure whether could get in — heard some speeches in one part — went off to have coffee — got back (about 1 hour later) for last 10 mins of “opening” — saw bits and were herded out — today is confused downer — tomorrow we’ll have readjusted to West + 3 exhibitions.
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16.06.79 [Lausanne. La Cathédrale]
I guess I’m back together again — yesterday I felt quite disoriented & at odds — went to bed and thought miserable thoughts — 4 exhibitions today — two of them openings, so lots of people — going back tomorrow to photograph — went back to photograph the Biennale & went through a lot of film — it actually was a little bit disappointing, except for the Canadian entry, which is spectacular! — one of the other shows is a show of miniatures (developed partly as a reaction against the large size requirements of the Biennale) — it was really more exciting. We met Mariette — also ran into Rose Naumann (from Vancouver) — generally a good day — Lausanne, the old part, is delightful — shops are incredibly expensive — I’m mostly investing in film & catalogues — it’s cool and rainy. So I’m getting to use all the gear I’ve been lugging around.
Finally in Paris – didn’t think I’d be as excited as I am [..] We got here about 11 p.m. [..] We went for a walk – I just couldn’t resist – we’re in the Latin Quarter off Bvd. St. Germain – not far from the university, Bvd. St Michel & a few blocks from the Seine & Notre Dame & all that – Super! Hotel is fine, not sure where one (if one) takes a bath/shower – sink & bidet in the room…
Spent today photographing shows where there were too many people before (at opening) – left Lausanne at 5.30.
Switzerland was very expensive – France is too, but just a little less so. Since we’re here a bit longer, will really be able to manage the meals of wine/cheese etc. – weren’t long enough in Lausanne – especially as today was Sunday & there everything (markets etc.) were closed.
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18.06.79 [Lausanne. Place de la Fontaine de la Palud]
Lausanne card, but really am in Paris — Today we were all off on our own (or in twos) etc. — Michelle organizing things for the next few days — I started out with previous room mate — to practise catching Metro etc — then most afternoon on own — shopped for food and bought a little pot to boil water in — so very nice to be here — walked past where Jo & I stayed — we’re a few blocks from there — didn’t go to any museums or sights — just walked back to have my wine & cheese — nice to be able to more or less do without a map (though I have one) — I’m surprised at how excited I am to be in Paris — didn’t expect that! Don’t feel need to rush off & see or do everything — just be here — however, programme gets under way again tomorrow & that’s nice too — especially for me — will be places & shows I haven’t seen. Remember us at Eiffel, Montmartre etc. & that’s nice.
Went today to see an exhibition of crafts, including some fine weaving, at Canadian House — Mariette there too (she arranged the exhibition — big wheel in Canada Council) — apparently it has been well received by the super critical French — In the afternoon off to see a large exhibition of tapestries in the Grand Palais — some good, some bad, but really good to be able to see so much — to look & look & look — I have about a ton of slides and catalogues — then in the evening we decided to all have a picnic in the Luxembourg Gardens — so everyone went shopping for bread, wine, cheese, fruit etc — it was great — (there’s a food market across from our hotel — today it was open — super stuff!) Tomorrow we’re off to see the Gobelin tapestry factory — we really do lots of walking, though the wine etc. probably cancels all the benefits. Traffic in Paris is incredible — it is really “creative driving” — don’t know how they survive (but most cars are dented & scratched anyway) — I have some Polish vodka for you.
Today was a walking day — set off for this place only to find it didn’t open till noon — it’s an incredible building where the old central markets used to be (we had a meal near there — steak on a wooden board I think it was) — at that time it was just a hole in the ground — So I headed off to another museum (walking — still had energy then) — only to find it closed for lunch — by then it was terribly hot — Then we all went on tour of the Gobelin tapestry works — most interesting — & then back to this place to see an exhibition called “Paris-Moscow” — huge — covers everything from literature, to architecture, to interior design, music, art — of the period 1900-1930 approx. — Picassos & Matisses from the Russian collections and from private & other collections in the West (eg New York) — there seemed to be a number of other things which I’ll return to before I leave — The whole place is in glass & steel — all the structure exposed. Tonight I think we go to Montmartre, if we aren’t asleep!
Tuesday 24. July [1979 — in Qualicum?] [Erna to Inese]
(P.S. Rītu [tomorrow] Dzidra’s divorcing business) Hallo Inī! Sorry about some of my letters – I was just – ‘cranky’.
Ceturt. 10. jūl. 1980. [Erna to Inese] Mīļā Inesīte, Did you go to Siettle? Is Gordon in Victoria? M.
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Wednesday, 6 August. [Erna to Inese] [sent to Banff, forwarded to Victoria, B.C.]
Dear Inese,
Thank you for the letter from Banff... We got the last National Geographic with pictures and story about Canadian Rockies and especially about – Banff. All about the millions and millions of tourists, and black bears and grizlies and wilderness and horse pack trips etc. etc. but not a word about the Banff Centre and college and art etc. So – the usually story. But it is good to look at the added map with all the lakes, and roads and some very colorful pictures, and one – Banff in the late evening (with lights) deep in the valley, fotographed up from one mountain, with 2 late skiers there.
We have some hope for nearing spring, had a long and pretty sharp winter. It might be, that the cold winter stopped us from more vital artistic activities. I have not had the courage to go for second time to Newcastle to arrange the exhibition, Dzid has not done any search for galleries here. But – we have gone to some performances – theatres, play readings, films, I keep walking to the park, reading too. And soon now – the warmer days might come. already have nicer air at daytime. All together – we had not much rain – so nothing to complain.
I have not been yet to Canadian Embassy – have to go, settle the extent of my stay, if possible. In Canada, when I got the permission to stay a year here, the office clerk said – just go and ask for more extension and you will get it. But have to ask about it before I make all my plans to stay longer.
Your plans in all the directions seem to develop just fine! Even your French comes in so good a use. It sure will help your popularity a lot! So enjoy yourself with all the social life you get there. You will be able to do your work more freely at home afterwards. And – the big success with the selling those 3 pieces! Also the news from Hope seems to be good – pleasant surroundings naturewise etc. I would like to join in there straight away – but I think I have to stay until March, and also – enjoy as much as I can the goodies what is here – the theatres, the big city etc.
… Just now – went and asked about the extension of my stay away from Canada? I can get it, have to fill a form, and supply a photo. So – that I must do. It was a long walk around the city, to find the embassy, also went to David Jones for some goodies – cheeses, smoked ‘teylor’[?]. Canadian smoked salmon costs 32 doll. a kilo! (Teylor – 4.25.).
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12. august 1980
Dear Inese and Gordon
I am writing this note – just to share your big success – Gordons new pleasant work in Hope, Ineses enormous luck with such high class order! I hope, you Inese, will be able to work that thing as you please and let yourself go on all your creative forces freely. I wish you all the ideas to be realised without too much frustrations, doubts etc. We here are still under those things – frightened to grab the bull by the horns…
Now – the holidays are almost starting – Tālis goes to Melbourne this Thursday (but we do not know for how long, probably not for all the holidays, as he is going away couple of days before the school finishes).
In those free days I have to write something for Rakstnieku dienas. If you have not done yet the sending of my dress – leave it. I will have the long one (silk, what I have here) to wear for the ball (or something) and make together some new, or halfnew outfits. The spring is kind of starting – we have already nice and sunny days. The nights still cold, but not too bad.
We (that is – I) hope that we will make a trip to Newcastle and may arrange an exhibition there. I am speaking of it all the year already…
Clive is leaving for good to Melbourne now together with Gay and Tālis. They go to Clives new farm – half an hour drive from Melbourne. Clive will soon stay on 3 day a week job, and live in farm mostly. Now (from thursday on) they will go and arrange the farm – house, and garden etc. etc.
Dzid imagines that they will live – so beautifully, so good, so ideal etc. etc. and has trouble to persuade herself that nothing will be so perfect and ideal that she should envy – but so the thinking goes.
Our boarder did not come this weekend from his job in Newcastle – we got message from his friends, that he is sitting in jail for some driving troubles. He needs $400 to bail him out of jail till the court day, and the friends did the money finding. But we have not heard of him, how it all goes. He had lost his driving licence for a year, and there were only 2 month left, and he could get it back, but now he has fallen again for something, just driving without that licence or something more. He was coming the weekends here, dead tired from the long drive after work (often from Glosester) then all the weekend drinking and parties, then driving at night back. Last weekend he was sitting in our lounge room quite exhausted from the good times – and waiting for his friend late after the midnight to start the long drive back to work. He said – his friend will drive, he will not – but how it all was – who knows. After all he has been driving and now is – basta. Dzidra is thinking only of her board money – if he will come and pay. The other boarder keeps trying with his bistro. One of Dzidras pictures is there too, and she changed it for another one after 2 weeks – so at least there is some exhibited from her works. Now all our hopes are for the holidays, to do some working, some going around to the galleries to offer the paintings etc. At Latvians there is a play (first night) this weekend – I have to go.
Have not heard again from my editor. Promised – that the books I will get in August… Today I send them a card to remind them about that…
Well – you probably have not time for long letter reading – so I will finish… We are eating some healthy food – lemon tree still gives us most delicious fruit – mild, juicy almost like oranges – we make jelly (with gelatine, out of them – all juice and skins). Sometimes I am making also alfalfa at home and beansprouts… Have good times! Be happy! Enjoy your success! Good luck! Xxx M.
Friday – Tālis away to Melb. We – Dz + me were to a theatre – play (in Nimrod) written by a young Latvian from Queensland. Had learned acting in London etc. The play – ‘Backyard’ – about Australias suburban life. His name – Jānis Balodis – Australians pronounce it Žanis Baloudis – sounds funny…
The big city’s happening was the 23-24,000 people ‘jogging’ from Townhall to Bondi beach. ‘City to beach’ 14 kilometres run, had to be finished in 45 min. It was an amazing sight how they (the mass of people – standing full street from Townhall till the other side of the Hidepark) moved, like a cloud of ants, children, women, oldies even cripples – some finished in 2 hours time…
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Tuesday 2 sept. 1980.
Dear Inese and Gordon!
How are you ??? Will you have to pack out of Victoria soon? Good luck! I got the dress you sent me, Inese. Thank you very much. It came on here perfectly fine. I am a little too fat yet for it, but I can get in it in… And I have 3 weeks to count calories! I do not know if I really will need it – but I might – there will be Rakstienku Dienas, Kulturas dienas and Eižena Freimaņa piemiņas vakars – he composed music for 3 of my poems, and there will be a concert, and I have to be there too… These all are small things – but have to attend they and etc. etc.
Our holidays were fine, and they practically are ending tomorrow when Tālis will arrive… However Dzidras school starts half a week later. Dzidra felt Tālis absence as relieving and relaxing as I did. She felt happy, took paintings to Macquary Univers. exhibition (however – no prices for her this time…) and is painting big paintings and plans to send some to Blakes exhibition which starts late September. I have not done a thing new – but have sent things to Latvian paper, have rewritten and revised a short story for Rakstn. dienas. (Found also the good reader for it – Zeltīte Nīce.) Now I am relaxed about Rakstn. dienas no more to worry too much.
This weekend I was in Newcastle with Freijs – we almost have summer here. At least some days have been perfectly warm. In Newcastle I was sunbathing one day with others, but next day drank too much wine (with the others…) and was sick at night… But the day after that – I was all right again, except a little slower and weaker…
With Dzid we have been round to all the nearest galleries to look at the exhibitions – to learn what really goes on in the art world? Before that Dzid took some of her drawings to the top gallery where all the ‘big aces’ are exhibiting, but she was refused – was asked if she has paintings too, but really they were not interested to start with an unknown artist just by seeing some of his drawings. Dzid of course (and me too) had to reorganise our thinking and our ways to making new plans! Dzid took it quite reasonably – looked at all the other exhibitions – found out – that she is all right, but she might need to exhibit not only drawings, but make some new paintings too – and started to work quite happily. So – the big attacking Sydney – is just a little postponed, but also – already started with the exhibitions to be joined.
Only – harder changes will bring Tālis returning, and school. But at the moment Dzid seems to be on her way to work even in between other duties. She has made a big painting for Ojars Neimanis – she phoned him and he settled a day to come and pick it up – and then postponed the coming, date not now settled. Dzid thinks – may be the wife said a word. But – once he will come. The painting is unusually romantic and sweet – like those she made for the theatre hall, and which were sold — with plants (green, green) water, sky (blue) birds (white). About the same way – she has painted one still bigger which she plans to send in for Blake. But she is not quite satisfied, and will try to paint one more. My air ticket, to Canada and back to Sydney, is in my pocket! I have to go (and come back if wanted) in 15. of March (1981-1982). For my old ticket I got $282 refund and had to pay cash (at once ) — $396.- I think – it came out just fine. But the little clerk was working 2 days to get agreement for it from 2 bosses which one was willing and for it – the other not willing and against it – there seem to be dozens of kinds of rules, which have to be (or not have to be) followed – all, or some, or none… I still have to get the visit extension – but my foto and a filled out form is already there – I have only to bring them and show – my ticket. (They were not happy to give me one more year to stay here, as for a while seemed, that I might get only an oneway ticket, but free to take my trip in one years time. What was not really what I wanted myself.)
Dzid also have spoken to the saturday market people – and one sat. morning she will take her ‘cards’ there and might get a half table – and I am making some little embroideries to join. So – in the last days we have been quite productive… Hope you both doing fine as usually!! Love xxx M. P.S. Our boarder phoned (sent money too) that he has got his court case postponed…!
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Tuesday 12. Sept. 1980. [Erna to Inese]
Hallo there!
I hope you are in the new – magnificent place, in the special corner of that magnificent country! Much happiness, good days, success, health and wealth etc. etc. Thank you for sending me the cuts out of the magazines – I think of the place quite often and wish to start there a good time too…
Dzid does not think much of going there. She is busy here… The bad news first… Dzidras car was stolen. On sunday morning (last week), she discovered – her car is gone. Went to police – could not find her insurance papers, discovered – the last payment has not been paid (no reminding has been sent), and if the car will be lost forever – no compensation she will get. So – worries and anger… On wednesday night police phoned – they found the car not too far away somewhere on the street. Dzid went straight away and got it home – badly bent in, at right front wheel, damaged something at the pedals inside, — but – it moves. She will have to spend some hundreds to straighten it out, but the first good thing the old wreck could help her was – to take her big picture to Blakes exhibition…
Further – the good news: Dzid got invitation to Dagnijas and Ojārs wedding on 9th November. She is glad to go. In holidays started outburst of Dzidras painting powers have not stopped and she is busy working out pictures and sketches. Ojārs Neimanis and his wife [left] came and happily took the big painting (what Dzid prepared for them) home and gladly paid $250.-
After Rakstnieku dienas (yesterday, the monday after all the 3 days festival) I invited the authors and literature lovers here home at us. It was a nice – open day, they come (not all of them, but sufficiently many) had a good chat – and the best thing for Dzid – as the last two persons came Vita Kristovska and Krīvs. He has been a painter, an owner of a little gallery, now has a commercial art office. He has a really sharp and trained eye for paintings and artists talents – (as he has been experienced judging them for his gallery once), and he was astonished by Dzidras abilities. Encouraged her to start with exhibitions, said just the same advice that you, Inese, did – to let the word Dzidra be here and there and more and more of it – and let the critics notice it and, start to speak – and then she will have the material with what to impress the big galleries and get possibilities to exhibit there. He described very clearly what the hard, but necessary road to all that is. First – just not to postpone anything – start at Latvian house, then Newcastle etc. Dzid – is impressed and has got a real push, and will do all the starting. Krīvs liked very much her drawings, her little abstracts and the big works. He said – she has rhythem, composition, aliveness etc. So – at Latvians the hall is not hard to get, and in nearest future Dzid will have to bring her paintings and all her stuff there.
My Rakstnieku dienas also went O.K. Zeltīte Nīce did a good job by reading it (my story) – people liked it, though I think – it was just a little bit too long, but others were still much more too long. Got some compliments. Then, here at home, I showed the paperback – my new book, the letters – and it is to be hoped – the book will go well – only trouble is – the editor is sleeping again. Before Xmas he has to send the books here! How to impress him to finish the job – I do not know. I hope – he will move again.
Last tuesday Ida visited us – said goodbye, and on wednesday left for Switzerland, for nine months or so. The weather is warm and sunny, the nights still cold, but – the spring is here. Hats, onepiece swimmers, pants with narrow ends – are in. All kinds of walking ‘sneekers’ are in etc. We were voting our local leaders – from the laborer list… Tālis had a cold – but not too bad, all others – O.K.
I got at Rakstn. dienas a present from Ozoliņa kundze – a long, nice josta – belt. Here at home they brought cut flowers, 2 little pots of living flowers and there are a casket and 2 bottles of riesling and 3 boxes of chocolates left – (and beer and a flagon red wine from our supply) so we could have a party straight away continued, but we have to work. I have to write a novel – that would make bigger things of me – however – the trouble is the printing of the stuff what I already have… We will wait news from you! How all the big things are going and how is the new place?? Xxx M.
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24. okt. 1980.
Dear Inese and Gordon!
Now it is really a very long time since we have heard from you!! I am waiting for – November, as you said – in November you will finish your big work! I hope – you do well and there is not too much trouble with it all!!! Keep cool. Take your time. Ann Dads companion phoned last week, so we know, that you are moved to Hope. Sure – it all makes you terribly crowded with little and big duties, but as soon, as you have a minute – write some lines!
We are struggling like always. Dzid is still in creating mood, still produces new paintings (experiments and working with colors,) has also survived a second ‘shock’ – the painting in Blake exhibition was rejected. It was not framed, they asked – all to be framed, but this is so big, even it seems not possible to put in frame, and so – still Dzid felt the rejection painful. But when we went to Blake exhibition – we were shocked by the quantity, and by the unexplainable choice of works – half of them ugly and bad. The first part going through the Bank hall (where they are put out) we both had sad feelings – that Dzidras painting is not to be seen there, but going further – we both confessed to each other that we had the feeling – good that Dzidras work first is not be seen here among the rubbish and peculiarities. And it was not – only beause Dzids picture was rejected… Straight away – we put it on the roof of the car again and went to Ryde – for another exhibition. Halfway down – the wind tore off the picture (one side) and broke the frame, pushed the wood through the canvas too… So – we turned back, and as it was the last days for the entrees to that exhibition – the picture has not been restorated – it will be quite a job to pull the canvas on a new frame – and then may be also – put a frame around it. – So – there has been hard moments, but Dzid is settling down – doing and appreciating her work. She also thinks – she has much to do – to make bigger paintings, to experiment etc. and as there is no much hope of selling at the Latvian club – she does not start the effort to exhibit there – she – is in working mood and have to use it!
I have not done absolutely nothing. But there is a good change for me now – I (for the first time now) have my typewriter upstairs in the room, where Martin (formerly Glenda) was – Martin likes to be downstairs – so I happily accepted the change in our rooms. I have to be careful with the stairs – but I think I can manage that. All other things here is much better – the room is much bigger, really my own, as nobody has to go through it or even near it – and here I will not feel so much the weather changes. I really hope, that I will put around all my unfinished works – and go happily through them, here I feel free from the fear of interruptions, and that for me is very important. There is not much news otherwise – We have not been out much lately, the weather is summery warm, Tālis got a bike (secondhand, mammy bought for him), and sometimes we all, or they two only, go to park and have a good ride.
The promise to have my book on August was a ‘bluff’ – there has not been no letters, no explanations – just nothing from the editor. I wrote a short letter – that they should send out the books this month… I also phoned Ojārs Neimanis [left] – if he has an advise – what to do in such a case – and he said, there is hard to do anything impressive from here. But he suggested to write a demanding letter, and if there is no news in 3 weeks time, then he might think of something more official to attack him. We will see. It is annoying. It is also hard to understand – why he does not finish it, as it is already set in print, and even promised so convincingly – you get it in August…. I wish, I had learneds [courses] and tried to write in English. I even am tempted to start it now… But…
Ann said about them – that they go to bowling every day, and even twice a day, she also said – that she is not allowed to phone or write to Dzid – she was away couple of days from home, and then phoned… All our love to you! Do not work to hard – let them wait a little if you are late… Love to you both from us. Tālis is strong and – not too bad!! Xx M.
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Monday 10. Nov. 1980.
Dear Inese and Gordon.
Thank you for your letter. So you are in the new house, the new place! Who of you will bet that I will not come to the magnificent country – will loose. Only in case (what seems not to happen…) Dzidra would be too deep in her troublesome life, I would stay here. That is – without a break to go to you place. Tālis is not too bad, but still – he is a full time job for everyone who is around him. We have dry weather all the time – except yesterday for one day it was raining. The country is black and brown, but city is just beautiful. Dzid was to Ojārs + Dagnijas wedding. For the present we bought a ceramic, a pot (vase) from Dzidras friend Willy, in his exhibition. By the way – it was an annual exhibition of North Sydney – many potters and painters and weavers – (Willy hoped to get Dzidras paintings there – but the Gallery has their own countless painters…) and the paintings were not very good, but the weavings were – just owful! Even big pieces without any taste of colours, composition etc. (So were some wallhanging pieces in the Latvian rokdarbu izstāde.) Somewhere there are good weavers – but mostly around there goes just – crap.
Tomorrow Dzid will start marking, — every afternoon she will go from 4-9 pm or so, for 2 weeks. Then – soon after that will be the holidays!!!
Clive, once in a phone call, when he had come to Sydney, mentioned – that to take Tālis for the Xmas holidays, will be pretty difficult for his mother… Now, couple of days ago he phoned from Melbourne – talked to Dzid, how she is guilty herself that she has lost him… If she would be more understanding – all would have been good… How he misses – Tālis! Will she miss – him too, and may be she would not let Tālis come all the holidays to Melbourne?… Is not he a hipocrite?? Dzid said – no, she wont miss Tālis for those – 6 weeks, having him all the year here. So. It is not yet quite sure, if he will have Tālis for the holidays. If not – we have to plan to put Tālis in some childrens holiday home. I cannot imagine not having a break from him, for some weeks… And Tālis would need some more strict patterned life for a while. He is not too bad – but all modern children, how much I can see – are burden on their parents much more as children ever have been so. They are demanding, cranky, stubborn, rude, noncooperative, lazy and with all that develop slowly, stay babylike, without respect for people and things. They are full with the TV crap, full with pocket money buying crap etc.
For the first time I think – it is not bad at all that you have no children. They are just new human beings, without special mistery, and if they happen to have their stubborn demanding characters – they just use up your life. Sure I am blubbering nonsence, the sun is disturbing my typing – and that is why I see all like that. But – there is much truth in that horrible statements of mine… I just started to read a book written by a French Canadian author – Rejean Ducharme – ‘The Swallower swallowed’. My editor (after receiving a short and demanding letter from me) has written again – a promise, to get the book ready till Xmas. I do not believe in his words, but – once he will finish it, I believe in that. All together I am full with nasty thinking of everybody and everything. I am trying not to – but it is quite a fight to keep oneself mild and good and happy etc. etc. Dzid has met some younger Latvians in the wedding who might buy some of her pictures, if she will make an exhibition. So – after marking, — we have to think of that.
Imants girl is pregnant (4 months) – and friends are not happy about his ‘luck’ – that is what Dzid has seen and heard in that wedding. Duly’s wife has told Dzid, that she has arranged with Duly [right] – if he leaves, if they have to separate – he will have to take the children and she will take the furniture!… I think that is a splendid idea to settle the things timely so, that the ‘Flying Duchman’ knows that he will not be able to fly alone… And so – the flying might loos the meaning…
Wednesday 12. 11.
Dzid has her second marking day. I am fighting to go smooth with Tālis. May be Dzid will make a party on saturday here… Wish a big success to you with that big ‘tapestry’!!! Xxx M.
Thursday, the 13th Nov.
No, I did not think of alluring Bosniches to come to Australia, but I wanted to ‘cheer them up’ – I send them a picture book of Sydney (the ones which are printed 2-3 years ago, are very cheep to buy), and in the page, where there is ‘the Night lif’, I put in a postcard – a girl striptease, also said – to be from Kingscross – ‘Night life’ – If I had known they have babys and cradles on the programme at the moment, I might not have done that, a little bit naughty thing… Anyway – let them have it!
We will have a party on saturday – that is Dzid will have her friends all what she can get, also from the marking people. Some of them had had supper at Tilley’s (our boarders place) and have seen there Dzidras pictures and – liked them!
If only I could push Dzid to go to Newcastle and see the artgallery there, she could fall in love with that place – and might arrange an exhibition there. But – she is too busy… May be we will be able to do something in Latv. Nams.
In our garden does not grow anything what I put in, except Dads big garlics – Nobody have eaten them, they gave a funny taste to every meal I tried to put them in, so – we planted them, they are growing high, but – what the result will be – does not matter. The trees are growing fine! The eucalipt is just beautiful – now it is dropping its bark, as a really big tree. Then – Sydney city gave to every citizen who wanted it, one plant of a tree (to choose – a special gumtree, some bushes etc.), I took a jekaranda – Dzid planted it – and it is growing just like a cabbage! It can have only an hour, or so, of the sun in the day – but it struggles up like mad. So we will have – another nice tree.
We have been to some galleries, but not to theatres, have to wait until all the schools will be over… The weather is dry and hot, but not yet really a nice beach weather… Also – that will come later. Be good, have a good time! – I would not mind to be there with you already… Xxxx M.
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9. dec. 1980.
Wishing the Merry Xmas and the happy New year to you! We might write more and a better Xmas message – now I am just hurrying to send you this simple card, what is meant for Davenports – have lost their address – please readdress and send it to them! Hope for a letter from you soon. This is the last week in school – and may be next week Tālis will go to Melbourne. We hope so. We would like to have a rest from those days with him… I have done nothing in writing. I cannot enjoy the Australias weather as well as before – the sun kills me the weather is – dry and hot without a break.
Dzid finished her marking – o.k. Then we had a weekend camping in Kangaroo valley – together with some of Dzidras friends. It was quite beautiful there – but it was very hot and terribly many flies… In all the years spent in Australia I had never seen so many flies… The river was very dry – but there were among the stones, deep in the valley fresh water, we even could have a swim (kind of swim…)
I have not received news that my books would have been send out – and the Xmas is there, and the last promise was – „You will have it on Xmas 2!” So I let Dzid make photos of all the letters (promises) and all the money orders I have sent to him – and together with some warning words that I will do something – I send them to the editor, and asked to send the books out – or I will let translate the letters and agreements, and promises and look for some official help… We will see what happens.
It is just a misery – what those people do to me. I hate it all so much, that I cannot sit down and finish writing. May be when Tālis will be away and all that shopping and cooking and babysitting done for a while, I will do something… I should not, but I feel tied up. I went to optist, got new (expensive) glasses – and they are ok, but no so good as the old ones – makes tired my eyes when I read long time. He said to come and tell him [….rest of sentence missing] [..] as I will get your letter! Xxx M. Got a long letter from Bosniches.
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[On back of postcard of Sydney Opera House] [Erna to Inese] March, 1982
Happy Birthday dearest Inese! Australia is a magnificent country! Your mama and your sister.
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Sidnejā 27. April, 1982. [Erna to Inese]
You said, you will wright – so, when you have time, please wright. Dzid wanted to wright to you – but we are busy, busy, Love to you + Gordon – xxx P.S. I booked my flight: 19 of June, leaves Sydney 2.45 pm. QF 003. (Price – A $ 1119), return 18th jun 1983, QF 004.
Then you will get lonelier Year after year From you will go friend after friend Rare traveller, relative of your soul, And a rare flower, who will grow (for you) on stone, Then will disappear those too, And in the mountain voids Endless calm will weight your heart, You won’t find the rest in the glaciers Around you the shield of ice will close But all the desires of Earth Will burn your chest.
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31.12.1982 [From Inese to Dzidra]
[…] I’ve spent Xmas here [at the Banff Centre] — as you probably know by now, Mum came & spent 4 days here too. There was no point in going home. Gordon is spending a week with his lady-friend & I thought that I didn’t need to go through all that trauma at close quarters. It seems that he & she are serious & that we are splitting…
[…] I have had this incredible feeling that I’m changing so fast that I can’t keep up with it — Mum had some insights on that — her theory is that I’m sort of freewheeling — following my own thinking without reference to another (father, husband etc) I think there’s some truth in that, but somehow I have to slow it down a little, control it a little, before I destroy myself physically, if not mentally — I have this incredible sensation of growth!
One of the things I keep telling myself I’m incredibly lucky in is friends — and I think that is true beyond all reasonable measure! I feel I have friends who are the most amazing people — and I’m amazed that they have any interest or time for me — There’s something there that is more important than any job or success will ever be — provided that I don’t starve to death of course! […] It is incredible to me to have Mum for a friend, though we don’t share as openly as you & she do; it is amazing that, finally, I can write to you like this — though I know that we can talk like this & more — & it’s crazy that we’re all so far apart — and yet, there is some cord that denies distance.
[…] I think of you, I think of Mum & I’m overwhelmed — I don’t know how you cope — I don’t know what kind of tearing happens to you in terms of Talis — I don’t know what kind of tearing happens in terms of Mum visiting and leaving you & me & being on her own — there seems in all that a loneliness that is too terrible to contemplate — I am told around here, that I am such a strong woman — well, it’s a great act — I am incredibly tired of being a “strong woman”! It is said as a compliment and with much admiration — it is ture & it is a fraud! It is said with some envy and with much fear of understanding — we all do understand, but won’t face it & won’t talk about it! What else can you be to survive, and to save face, & to try and not make the other person feel uncomfortable and not make them alienated, since even if they know, they can’t help you and all it does is make them acknowledge their own loneliness — this sounds pretty grim — but it probably is. There are times when my friend (woman) of the couple I mentioned above, comes with such need, in such nakedness, that I have to be almost (no, not almost) cruel, and be breezy and bright because I can’t stand to be faced with it from another person — I can’t help her — I can’t even help myself — I feel the same way about Mum — and even about Dad — there seems to have to be some barrier of self preservation (or self-deception, which amounts to the same thing) which makes you stop, which makes you put on some sort of mask of “everything is OK — just keep going!” — I don’t know where I’m heading with all this & I don’t know any answers — right now, all I can say to myself is the same: “everything is OK — just keep going!” — and eventually, in some form it’s true…
[…] [Note on side] The perception of those kind of lonelinesses seem to cut me open — from the front of me — top to bottom, to my backbone — I feel them literally — perhaps that’s how I should “show” it in my “bodies”! […] Well, Dzid, … I love you more that I can say and more than you know. When will I see you? At the moment, I can’t imagine — and that hurts! Inese
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Otrdiena 5 jūl. 1983 [Erna to Inese]
Dzid does not work in painting, at the moment. Just now – got an invitation to send her works for the common exhibition, where she once got that award. She said – she might start to make some painting.
Carol (the English girl) is struggling to extend her visit in Australia, but if she will not get it – she will leave in 3 weeks time… Dave, the other boarder (Scottish) will stay till Xmas. So – it will be big changes again with the people here. Those 2 are good, live normally (do not smoke) pay OK.
This saturday a Latvian ‘boy’ Brūveris, phoned Dzid to come to – Selonijas balle with him. Dzid will go, but probably not in a balldress. I have read Faulkners novel, started another one. Thinking hard – what to write in a story? Probably I will have to write – what I think, and that will not be very ‘national’, sorry to say. My story ‘Saules brālis’ (about a tramp) is in Latv. paper. So – I can write what I see… Love! Xxx M.
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Monday – 18th July 1983 [Erna to Inese]
Dear Inese!
[Photos: Left, Inese and her own work in Banff studio. Right, the work in exhibition at Banff]
Your exhibition is near (or maybe started already!) and you might be very busy!
I am through with my cough (have sucked away 3 packets of menthol bonbons…)
The weather is warm and sunny at daytime, still – cold at nights. Alltogether have to know to ajust as the harsher habits of this weather: warm in the sun, cold in the shade etc. Lately there are not so much wind.
We went to a theatre in Seamore Centre – it was a nice performance with real wrestling in the ‘struggle of the life’ (man and woman), we enjoyed it very much, very modern and powerfull stuff!!
Now, for tomorrow Dzid will try to get tickets for some theatre in Opera House.
We also visited 3 art galleries. In one was an exhibition of – weaving. Big things on walls, mostly – not wool, but some rougher fibre. Some quite nice, some a little boring. But – plenty work done.
Dzid is painting little colourful abstracts to put them together in a bigger pictures, and to top them with some little landscape and nature stuff. [Sketch of 16 small squares with a roundish shape in the middle, in rows of 4, forming together a larger square] Something like that. In the little squares there is an oval drowing – they all are the same size and in all different colours. It all looks very poetic! She has made already ‘hundreds’ of them, and puts together in colour schemes – but does not know – how she will frame them??
I have not done a thing!.. But soon now, I will start to finish some my unfinished stories. Have not got ‘new ideas’. Would like to know – how you are doing? How is your new position, how the catalog etc. etc. Some day we will hear from you! And how is Nelsons cookbook? Etc. [Nelson (left) was designing a cookbook for a client, using Dzidra’s drawings]
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Otrdiena 26 (?) jūlijs 1983 [Erna to Inese]
Love from Dz. She asked me – how much is airfares to C. P.S. not perfectly, but somehow I am doing the exercises…
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Sveiki tur viņā pusē! [Greetings over there on the other side!]
Gaidu vēstuli – kā Tev iet? Kā ar darbu kā ar izstādi, etc? [I am waiting for a letter — how are you? How was the exhibition, etc.?] We have – warm days now, especially in the middle of the day. I am through with my coughing (and spitting…) and I hope I will be all right now. (I have quite changed there in Canada, cannot understand this climate anymore… takes time…
Dzid was to a party to Ojārs and Dagne. Met some other Latvians – also Ilze and Dāliņš, and Imants and Polly. [Photo L to R: Ilze Dāliņš, Kārlis Gulbergs, Jānis Dāliņš]
The next day was the Sunday when there is the big run, ‘from City to beach’ – Ilze [right] and Dāliņš did the running (without their 2 sons), after the running, the Latvians, the same group – met in Centennial Park for a picnic – Dzid went too. Then it was arranged that Dzid (and me) we will go to Latv. theatre – ‘Kaleidoskops’, where Ilze ‘going plika’ uz skatuves… (Actually she was not plika, but in swimmsuit…) Anyway – Dzid had to go to some insight gathering that saturday, so we went to latv. theatre next day, (second performance) – the young Latvians were not there, but I met some of my – preses ļaudis. Dzid said, that the sayings goes around that – Imants does not love his wife, but loves very much his little son – 2 years old now. Nice kid, Dzid. said. Dzid finished her strict diet 2 weeks, (on veget. No fat, no milk, no sugar etc. But sometimes – cheese.) Now she eats other things too, when she goes out, but at home mostly stays on the same diet. She is working busy with her little paintings, making already about 16 pictures – she wants to make about 20. The hard thing is to trim them and then – how to put them in a frame…?
Dzid is also very busy with putting pot plants all over the house hanging them on balconies etc… The garden is also trimmed from all the useless branches, full of sunshine now, and just now, Dzid is phoning some man who makes fences and gates, and will let him make a fence and a gate in the back of the backyard, so that people from the street cannot walk in. Carol is leaving next week, going to share a flat with her girlfriend. But as Tālis coming next week, then Dzid will postpone advertising for a new boarder – after holidays. Dzid plans to take Tālis to snowy mountains for some days, now she is thinking hard – how to arrange that – all the things that would be needed – boots etc. are expensive, and the hotel and all the other things. We will see, how she will get with it all through.
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Sept 23. 1983 [Banff]
Dear Mum & Dzid,
Thanks for the letters & the photos — the gums in the snow are beautiful — since I’ve been away, I’m always startled by their colours — I remember that from the first trip back. […]
[…] Life has been pretty hectic. The summer always is hectic and putting our two shows at the same time doesn’t help. Still, I am alive and well. […] I do need some time off. […] There was only one weekend between the opening of the show in Calgary and the beginning of the Winter session here — and that was a bit rough — and the last body for the show was still damp when I hung it!! I keep saying I’ll never do that again, but I know that it always ends up that way, no matter how well you think you’ve planned it.
So, included here are some of the brochures we had done for Calgary. The catalogue for the Banff show won’t be ready for a few weeks yet — lots of trouble with photographing the stuff — some of Anne Pixley’s work is more or less impossible to reproduce. Nelson re-photographed some of it 4 times! (And I was usually involved with being an assistant!) Lots of effort, but in the process, I’ve sure learnt a lot, especially about lighting my pieces and about the differences that there are between what one can see in real life and what shows up, and how it reads in photographic reproductions (“transparent fallacies” is what Nelson calls them).
[…] I’m pretty pleased about both shows and there’s been quite a bit of interest from people who run galleries — whether anything will come of that remains to be seen – but it’s nice to know that at least some of them find the work interesting and “different”.
Other stuff — I met a Latvian woman — she is apparently a writer (from Toronto) & said that you, Mum, would know of her — she knew of you — I gave her your address & here is hers: Indra Gubiņa […] Toronto, Ont.
She came to the studio and looked me up as a fellow Latvian, I guess. She asked if I was interested in showing with the Latvians — I said, yes, of course — but I must say I have my doubts as to what their interest and/or understanding might be! Still, who knows. She looked at portfolio photos of my stuff and my impression was that she related a lot better to the old, flat, “wallhanging” stuff, than the newer “bodies” stuff, which I don’t think she knew what to think of — more of less expectable! Quite funny, really!
Gordon has been sending the Latvian papers on to me — in the April 29 issue is the poem Laiks Zvana & in the May 13 issue is the story Saules Brālis — the last issue I have is July 8. […]
[…] Angelika got your letter and said she would write — don’t know if she has — she’s pretty busy too. She got the job of Assistant Head in Ceramics here and I think that will make her private life much easier. From what I see of them at work, she & Hubert [right] are getting along just fine. Jane also got your letter — she & Bryn are in Europe at the moment (2 months — back Oct 8) — it’s the first time she’s been, so I imagine she’s having a wonderful time — they started in England and Wales (most of Bryn’s family is there) and then are going to the Continent — France, Portugal, I think — don’t know where else. Maggie has got a job here a couple of days a week to look after the plants in all the buildings (she’s an expert) — that means that she has been able to quit all her other awful part-time jobs — she makes the same amount of money (which is very little) but has more time — she is painting furiously (she’s the one who paints the apes etc — now also whales) — so, I see her regularly.
Barbara is 1/2 time assistant to me and that will make my life easier.
Nelson is doing well — working like a dog — still doesn’t have much money, but is certainly making his reputation. The Cookbook is out — everyone seems to be very pleased. — Dzid, I guess you’ll get some copies soon […] Everyone loves your drawings and thinks they make the book. Maggie said they were free & unselfconscious […]. Nelson […] found your drawings perfect and worked hard (but with pleasure) to put them in the “right” place — he says that they could not be more appropriate if you had seen the text — not having seen it, it is amazing etc. — When you get your copies, look for all the “Nelsonisms” as I call them — […] the funny little puns, quirks etc — often a word in the text links with the drawing in a funny way (or quirky way) — e.g. p.15 “pinch” + “Adam & Eve” type illustration p.17 “crudite” + drawing itself — also carrots in it p.19 “to peels a tomato”… + sawing pumpkin= p.22 “dipping” + guy in pot p.23 “try this… delicious!” + kiss p.25 “crunch” + bite p.39 “variations” & also “practise” + pianist etc etc etc
I told him you would get his kind of humour — and I’m sure you will. The odd part, as he says, is that the text & drawings came together separately — neither was consciously (or unconsciously for that matter!) done for the other — Hard to believe!
The only place where he adjusted the text was p.84 & p.88 where the order of the lines was arranged to mimic the configuration of the drawing (text wasn’t changed, just arranged to give similar outline) — pretty subtle, but fun when you know about it. So, I hope you enjoy it! […]
[…] Also, just sold my blue VW to Leo Svoboda (friend of Gordon’s — I think you met him, Mum — […] if I remember rightly, is very interested &/or competent in music). […] I guess I’ll get a little money for it — not sure how much, since the repairs Gordon is having done to it have to come off the price…
Gordon is applying to a Superintendent’s position. […]
[…] My job here is OK for another year — I don’t know about after that. I am now called Associate Head & have, as I said, a 1/2 time assistant (and a bit more money — though my rent has gone up too, of course) — So, it makes more sense in terms of what I do around here — it also adds a few extra responsibilities […] On the whole it is probably better — somewhat more scary though. We’ll see. […]
[…] Nelson & I seem to continue more or less as before — don’t know what it all means — have been trying to take a little mental distance (and only partly successful). Nelson has applied for a Museum Designer’s job at the National Museum in Ottawa — if he gets that, he’ll be gone […] — and while that will be hard, it would probably be a good thing — maybe I could sort myself out to some more “normal” life… […]
Much love to you both! You have a handsome son, Dzid! Inese
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Friday 7th oct. 1983 [Erna to Inese]
Dear Inese!
We got your 2 big letters – and catalogue and the book!!! I cannot express how happy your letters made me, and Dzid of course… I knew, that your letter will come one day – but I was thinking and worrying too – how it will be, how you can survive all your exhibition things, job, and still – private life, go to Hope and all! Your letters are long and are telling so much happy happenings and achievement and – just sunny luck too in all what you have finished. Luck – I mean the fact, that Dzidras drawings suited all the other thing, and you could be there and make it all happen. Dzid is really thrilled. And it all happened for her in couple of days – to create it. It gives a deep satisfaction for all the years long work, what she is doing, scribbling and loving it, but mostly – staying alone with it all.
Your catalogue looks – just beautiful! Is so cleverly made – all put out for both the ladies equally… I can understand better the critic what is said about your work. I think it is said with appreciation and love and hope and believe in the work! That is good. You said – you get a friend in her (the one who wrote it) and that is very very good. Those good thoughts (you got them from people already in your Peterborough’s exhibition too…) goes around, and even if you do not meet them all – there are people around who support your work with their good feeling for it.
I got also quite a lot loving words from many people in Rakstnieku dienas. One lady (she also writes, is old already, but have not worked much in writing literature, but mostly critics) – told me how she loved one of my stories, which I had quite forgotten, she thinks its one of my best stories. I have to find it from old Latv. newspapers, for keeping them all together. I have to look so for other 3 stories, which I have not cut out of the newspaper, and they are lost for me, have to go to Melbourne once, and find them at Dēliņš.
Good, that Gordon has sent the Latv. Pp. to you – keep them, when I will be there again (one day) I will find them there. As it seems – Dēliņš has put now almost all my stories in the paper, what I have send him, only 2 last ones have not been yet in. So – I have to hurry and prepare new ones. People (in Rakstnieku dienas) were really nice to me, and I was happy, free from duties, and free from shyness – attended all 3 days all the happenings, talked to people all around. Got, as I said – many compliments which were meant well. Tomsons – the good old (nasty too) poet – said also a warning about my poems what I wrote in one day (travelling to Banff in the train) – that I should not write too – easy, too carelessly, too quickly – as not to get shallow, because he said – I cannot afford that, I am too good for that… May be it is so – I really blubbered out those poems like a bird, looking through the window – but I wanted to – let me go, to enjoy it – talking without much thinking, I even hoped that my skill in talking is already so great, that I can rely on it without considering all the ‘demands of a poesy’. I imagine – the little poems, all in a row, were like those Dzidras drawings – not a ‘big art’, by what one could judge all the persons work – but a happy, playful thing. I also think – that Tomsons words were a good advise to me, meant good, but still with a little unrealised envy – how one can afford such silly – happy dance with such a serious thing as – poetry… Well – I really judge pretty carefully my words when I am writing, and rewriting a story. I almost would like to tell it more carelessly and also – not to cut too much out, to talk more of the ‘small talk’… But – well – „You are too good for that” – you have to be good for the sake of art, not for the poor people, readers…
You probably will not get more of the Latv. Newspapers – as with the last stories which I send to Dēliņš – I told him, to send the paper only to this Sydney address, no matter where I am – and the papers are now arriving here. I think – that I will get them safer in one place. About – printing and publishing a book here – the hopes are not great – there are a quey [queue] of – the new, first book people, who are waiting (on the list). May be – once somehow… Kreišmanes book – 10 stories, is made just in paperback, still over $2500 – but the money is not all – one just cannot get to the press, as the rule so far is – the first book people first, and there is no end of them…
I like much more Kreišmanes writing now, as I did before, I can appreshiate much more now her slowly moving, calm style, the simple, old language, the love for little things etc. It almost gives me the confidence and trust – to slow down myself, and allow myself the little thing loving, what is in me, and not to care so much for the ‘interesting’ topic. But – it all must go together, and – my way, for me.
As it seems – I have had the new kind of flu (forgot its name) what goes here around. I thought – I will never be able to get out of my being tired, sweating, coughing and spitting – but no temperature, only later pain all over, specially back and legs, which I took for rheumatic pains. Now – people told me – all the same troubles, which for many have ended in pneumonia, and what repeats itself as soon as you start to live normally, if the flu is not yet – ‘izgulēta’. Well I was kind of guessing the possibility of getting something in the lungs, — and kept – ‘vaimanāt un gulēt un neiet vējā’… Today Dzid is coughing – hope, it wont start with her the same. With me – it is finished now, and I feel all right, however – I am waiting for nice warm weather, this week was – unexpectedly cold and rainy and windy again. Funny weather…
Lucija Kalniņa stayed with us for 3 – days. We wanted to go to beach etc – and there was not a single day we could go out of the house, we only went to film and supper. The film – Australian, ‘Careful, he might hear you’ – the best film (Austr.) this year, and the best actress (this year, Austr.) in it. It was not quite what we expected – a little too crowdy, all the Australian things packed in it – storms, gardens, old rich peoples housing and life style, etc etc, but the camera has worked fine – really beautifully taken things, colourful, etc. The supper afterwards, we took in a latvian restaurant not far from here, small wine bar, (where Dzid put out her tautu meitu bildes). The owner latvian – really surprisingly sympathetic man, his wife – french. They struggle to survive, and they might! However – really they just hang on – and hope. They need advertising – after one ad in Morng. Herald ($50) they said – it was full house, then again – pretty quiet. The place is small, not in centre, but – may be.
Latv. ‘vecā paaudze’ – slowly are dieing away. Mrs. Swirska – has died, probably – a cancer. But – I do not know, or nobody knows exactly. Many people – look very – ‘līki un lēni, stīvi un klibi’. I am trying to go and walk ‘with an elastic’ step – the legs, specially the one – let it feel, the pain sometimes in the knee sometimes down ‘potīte’ – but, thank heavens – I am not too bad yet… We will write soon again! Thanks and more thanks for your long letters. Xxxx M.
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Ceturtd. 27. oct.
Dear Inese!
I got a letter from Gordon telling that you will be at 21. Oct. in Hope. So – you will be back in Banff now and we might have a letter from you.
Dzid is on her trip. By looking in the booklet about the trip – today they will reach the middle of the desert!… Tomorrow will come out of it. The weather is hot with some heavy rain storms in between. I feel ok. Went (twice) to Bondi beach, did not get a ‘beautiful tan’ but got a little burned – not bad. Tomorrow I will have some (4 or so) Latvian ladies + Mr. Krīvs for slide show, and after that – to the little Latvian restaurant. (I told you…)
In our house everything goes smoothly (so far…) except that the new gate Dzid let to make in the backyard ($150) is kicked open with both 2 big bolts!!! People are getting really wild!
In next door neighbours house police arrested a young man – put irons on the hands, pushed him in the car. He was struggling madly, banging the car doors like an animal. What he has done, I do not know. I also do not know if he is the son of the neighbours wife (she has children from first marriage) I reckon they have slaughtered the old chap – they had terrible scenes from the first day the family came in this house. We could hear the screaming and swearing all the time. Now is silence there – So – have to thank God and be happy, as long as nothing too terrible happens to you.
I have not got this weeks Latvian paper, for 3 weeks now it came regularly on Mondays. Have to remind them again, not to send to Canada… I will make, for my guests (as a little entrée before we go to restaurant) the fish dish – Seviche – you said it was good. I will show the book to the ladies, they might buy it, when some books will be send to Dzid. Mrs. Freija saw already and would like to have – and this time – she will have to pay for it…
Dzid had an electric hair curler – after using it she left it on off at the thing, but did not switch it out at the line (wall). When she came home after going out – she found it all melted, hot like hell, but luckily the house had not started to burn yet! So – switch it out, switch it out!!
Piektdiena 28. Oct.
Yesterday I tried out the slide projector – it did not work! Something I do not right – 3 slides go all right at the 4th starts to show empty space. The slides by the way – are standing so loose in the rack – that they are moving like grass in the wind. So the thing cannot catch them – may be there is a way to help it. But – I will not bother, I will leave the slide showing out. I will show to the guests the new cook book! It will be enough entertainment before we go for supper. And we will try the entrée – made from the recepy out of the book.
Actually – it will be even better, to look at slides, it is better to do it leisurely – in all the evening at home, not when you have to run out for supper.
All is going now well in my life here, except that I cannot yet start properly my writings. The days are full with little empty things – but once I will settle to that, need some encouraging push, don’t know what really…
Sestdiena, 29. oct., … jau svētdiena, 30. oct.!
About our neighbour (being murdered…) I have a little exagerated: he is alive! But what there happened I still do not know – it was something very bad, because – to be thrown on ground and put in irons by police – there should be some awful reason. Anyway – when Dzid comes home, she will discover it – somehow, and I am sure – it does not concern us, whatever happened there.
Today Dzid is climbing the big rock, if it all goes as the information says in the booklet Dzid left to me. Here the weather (for 3 days now) is smoky-cloudy, and a little cooler. When Dzid was ‘in the middle of the desert’ – we had the very hot day. The map (on T.V.) showed clouds all over the half of Australia, almost till Alice Spring. Sorry if the big rock will not show the colours to Dzid…
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Nov. 26. 1983
Well, you two!
[…] The weekend before that, I drove with a bunch of people from here to Vancouver. The Vancouver Art Gallery had its official opening in its new space with some huge exhibitions — Emily Carr in permanent installation, a group of Old Masters (European) from the National Gallery and about 4 floors of the past 50 years of BC artists — also in another space and “alternative” show of current art art etc etc etc. Stayed with Mary & that was nice. Called in at home for 10 minutes (Gordon was away, which I knew) — and that probably helped — to set foot in the place after more than a year, on my own first. Then, the next weekend, drove down by myself & Gordon & I sorted things out — exchanged cars (my blue bug was sold to a friend of his — Leo, I think you’ve met him, Mum, a couple of weeks before that) — worked out medical & dental etc. separations — it was all very civilized, if odd. I slept in your room, Mum — everything is as it has always been — I gathered up left-over bits of clothing, bathroom stuff etc — so, all that is left is the main stuff — furniture, books, art, my weaving stuff etc. Gordon says he’ll be there till the end of June anyway, so we don’t have to move anything till then […]
[…] So, after coming back from Hope, the next week it was the trip to New York with the Visual Arts group from here — […]
[…] And now it’s back here & the same as usual, more or less — I’ve had about 10 days break from work, more or less — a couple more to go — I’ve really needed that — it’s been over a year since I’ve had a break (apart form Xmas, but then, everyone gets that) — the times I could have had holidays were the times I was preparing for the shows — in fact, I still need more time to gather myself — I feel quite fragmented, rather unsure and anxious — and I suppose that is understandable, but that doesn’t help. […]
[…] I really don’t know how things will sort themselves out — don’t know what I should be aiming for — or even how to begin to think about it. Mariette will be here in about a week — maybe we’ll clarify how much longer I can expect to be here. I don’t think she is very clear about any of that herself. So, I suppose there are reasons on all sides for feeling uncertain — still, I wish it would end.
I really am tired (not physically — I’ve had lots of sleep etc etc) but mentally/emotionally. And am very glad that Xmas isn’t far off. Have been trying to quit smoking for the past week — partially successful — by the end of Xmas break hope I’ll manage it — have also cut out most of the booze (that’s much easier to do than the smoking!) — but there is a good incentive — if I quit smoking and drinking, maybe I won’t gain weight for not smoking! […]
[…] I’m enclosing a couple of catalogues, which are finally ready […] I’m not very excited about Connie’s essay, but I knew that before it went to print — too much talk about materials and techniques — puts us back into the “craft” camp… […]
[…] Nelson […] hasn’t heard any more from Ottawa and has progressively been becoming more sure that he wants to stay in Calgary — he really has a lot of work […] he is surviving well. […]
[…] So, as you see, my life goes on, more or less as before. Must stop — Whenever you are ready to come, Mum, just come — we’ll find a place to live & live — and move if & when we have to.
Love to you both, Inese
P.S. Mum — you already gave me your Latvian jewellery stuff — I have it here in my drawer — I had forgotten that.
———–
Jan 23, 1984
Dear Mum & Dzid,
[…] Congratulations, Mum, on your prize etc! it arrived today — the money ($246 Canadian) I put in the bank — the letter (a copy included) I’ll be sending off tomorrow, […] I assume they’ll understand my Latvian!
Yes, I’m off to Toronto and then Montreal & then Ottawa — all of it 10 days & paid by the school. I’m going with Angelika […]. The idea is to go and visit other schools and lots of galleries, both to promote the Banff Centre and explain it to and recruit participants for our programmes and to find out about other places — what their philosophies etc are — it is not such an unusual thing to do. People from here do it all the time. I’ve never done it and am basically scared of it — Angelika isn’t — if we do it together, we can probably do it better and it will get me over my fears and will probably be a great education for me. […]
By the way, Angelika and Jane have both got your cards/letters — I don’t know if they have replied yet, but both said they would — neither one knew your surname…
I can’ t remember if I told you or not, but I see quite a lot of Jane and Bryn (his surname, by the way is Finer — and Angelika is with Hu, or Hubert, Hohn). Jane & Bryn have an apartment like mine one floor down & so we often have dinner together, or once in a while I watch TV with them. They are two of my most favourite people — though spending an evening watching TV with them makes me nostalgic for “normal life”.
I got a long letter from Austra today — she’s been to see you and says how much she enjoys you, how much she gets from talking to you etc etc etc. She calls us “3 ladies” “magical people” — so, that’s nice! She gets strength from you, Dzid, and feels really valuable friendship there. She has been reading your book, Mum, with much pleasure and pain. So, perhaps we really all are very wonderful.
Life here goes on as before […] but there has been some anxiety between Mariette and me — I think it is mostly because she is unsure as to whether she wants to continue here or not. I found all that pretty hard during her last 2 visits, but feel that I’ve come out of it since. I think that I’m doing a pretty good job and she’ll have to decide for herself what she wants to do. I still haven’t done any of my own work since the last 2 shows, but I’m beginning to not feel guilty about it. Recently I’ve had the time, if I wanted to really do it — and I even know what the next “logical” step would be — but somehow, I’m unwilling/uninterested in pursuing it. I think I’m in another “gestation” period — there doesn’t seem to be any point in continuing “variations on the theme” — I have no idea what will come out, when it comes, but I’m also not afraid of waiting. It may be quite different again (though none of it is that different underneath)… […]
[…] It is late & I have to pack for tomorrow morning, leaving early! I’ll be seeing a lot or people I’ve got to know here — plus doing the “official” thing and in the process, perhaps making some contacts that might be of use — and if not, it will be a good holiday and I’ll make the most of that! […]
Well, I’m starting to settle in. Today I am cleaning my studio — Terrific space! All kinds of office stuff to do, but it is probably OK. There seems to be a suggestion that I will get next summer! I will know next week — It will mean quite a bit of work, but that is fine! So, it is just as well that I brought all kinds of papers with me with all kinds of information.
People are still saying they will come to the writing course. So, it will probably be a good summer! So, maybe all those letters, phone calls and effort were worth it. My apartment is big & nice.
Keep up your French classes — there are not very many!
Inese
———-
Monday, 8. June 1987.
Dear Inī!
Here is the one ‘music’, but it is from a lesser (I think…) musician, Maršovs in Melbourne, than the Freimanis was in Sydney. But I am not sure. Maršau was himself a singer (Conservator. of Latv. finished or not, do not know) and was popular in Melbourne, also as a choir (kora?) dirigent. Freimanis was a pianist, finished educ. of Conservat. of Latv. Did also compose music. So – I am writing to Elvira Arone-Renga, Freimanis former wife, and may be she will send you something. It is long forgotten funny poem what I have written and which Maršaus has chosen to ‘put to music’… The music is ‘a migrants edition, handmade’. Here I put in also Dzidras happy letter. The weather is awfully ‘soft’, and I am so too… But I make myself ready for the trip. Love. M. Gilles Vigneault… well I cut it out and put in here…
—————-
[card] 6. jul. 1987.
Dear Inese,
Here is the precious card… The mail starts to arrive today. I got a letter from Californy, where I have send 3 books, to a latv. woman writer. She has got them! Good! Weather hot and smelly – they repare the streets and ‘brūvē’ some stuff near here on the street… Love! M.
To think – how 40,000 people are hurt by the flood – I sit in this flat like in heaven! They say 100,000 million dollars of damage… You are lucky to have this flat – however there are better climats in the world… M.
———
27. jūl. 1987.
Dear Inese,
Here are the music – and the bad copy, just one, I did not put here in the 2 others. But – it would be good, if the music would be in the book – specially those from Freimanis, but also – from Marshovs, there are plenty of musicians among Latvians, the book would be more popular. The 2 musicians, here, from Australia died early – and their music is not printed, as later all the other musicians could, when the ‘Trimda’ got more rich. And then – the book would be also more like a document of the trimdas Latv. life. What about the materially for the publisher – probably not much… But – we just make the book for… our pleasure? And – let it be so. I put here in also – the disasters of the world – heat and flood.. not the wars and fights so – they are too many…
Today is already cool – 12-13 degr. In the morning, and yesterday was so windy – that sitting at open door – I got already almost pain in the ear… So – I go like an old ship through the big waves of the life… Today – feel fine. Have send out – 8 books, paid 23 dollars, have sent also many letters, and still have to send. That is a big job, if you start sending letters. Where I send the 3 my books to Germany long ago (Invalid home) now there came a letter – not a word, but a list for – money donations for the Inv. Home. It made me really angry – send them books, pay the high mail rate – they cannot reply a single word, if they have received etc. Now – they know my address and send the donations list. If at least now there would be written word – no. Well – then – NO, from my side too. Really – they make such dumb fools of themselves. Sure – the lady who is there the housemaster, and to whom I send the books – she – thinks that the writer, is a big person, what he needs is just to give them money… So also the big Latv. libraries – they all got books without pay. What is connected with spirit (except pastors, they get their pay) it is supposed to come to the Latv. society – for nothing, „Because it is so great, that it is not possible, to pay for it with money.” Blabla-bla!
Yes – in the Wangy Dienas – the big celebrations for 2-3 days, with kora [choir] singing, dancing performances, and etc. etc. – it was a nice touching descriptions of this big happening, and then the statistics: 300 people – atklāšanā [opening] 267 – vīru kora koncertā [mens’ choir concert] 317 – raibajā pēcpusdienā [activity afternoon] ! 488 – ‘Apkūlībās’ that is the after all eating drinking etc. 50 – referātā [the reading/lecture] 35 – jaunatnes seminārā. [youth seminar]
So – the main thing is to drink and eat and blablabla but so many times there was repeated – „jaunatnes maz” and to Jaunatnes seminars, what ever it was – 35 persons from all 500... The crowd lives now on sentimental (false in a way) songs etc. Speeches etc. written by the writers, who express ‘the big sad feelings’, what the folk listens in some ‘Atklāšana’ then – to the Apkūlības. Ok! There are 50 persons who have gone to the referat. Those are our deal. Xxx M. P.S. Make 50 exempl. of the book, really.
——————-
29.11.87 [From Inese to Dzidra]
[…] I feel that we’ve got into difficulties because of the peculiar black & white & limited nature of stuff written down — I find that frustrating — and also understand that you find my silence frustrating — I know I am in a privileged position, in that I get to read your letter (and know it is unfair that I don’t respond in the same way) — I may never do that — you write to Mum in an especially flowing and open way — it is very special. […] Banff summer was busy — stressful — I had hopes this last one would be easy & pleasant & enjoyable (it was some of that too — that is always there).
[…] Part of the actual time in Banff, and all of the mental time available, got eaten up by my guilt (& effort) re Mum’s book — I had got it into my head to write an essay on Mum’s poetry — did that before I left Montreal. Then, passed it around for comments etc. It needed some editing, re-arranging. At first there was no time, then, when I tried to do it, I couldn’t. I spent some actual time of about two weeks struggling with it — the rest of the time, just huge quiet guilt feelings, feeble attempts & flights into avoidance — It dominated the summer, and I was short & withdrawn &b irritated, for no visible reason…
It has not been that different now — just two days ago, I finished a re-write & xeroxed it — now, I should be re-reading — It seems totally unreal & astounding how many forms (& with what persistence) the avoidance techniques can take. I’m not totally clear on all the reasons… but have thought much about them — most of them I can’t face — Including, by now, such guilt-trips as wondering whether Mum will die before this bloody book [Artava] comes out — I wake at night, listening for her breathing, snoring, coughing… It is insane! — And we’ve fought about it — and I understand her anxiety “to get on with it” — it is only the reverse side of my guilt about procrastinating…
I’m sorry I ever got involved — what seemed to start it was the idea that a “few bits needed to be added/changed in Austra’s essay”. I have such huge blocks in terms of writing (matched only by blocks re speaking French/German…) — and I understand that it becomes ludicrous when it is my problem that hinders the other, not at all to do with me. All I can say is that I’m sorry & I am fighting my way out, inch by inch, of a situation I should not have got into! … I could die, thinking about it — and there is something only partially “funny” about that… [Inese]
———
Monday 28.12.87 [From Inese to Dzidra]
[note at the top of the first page:] P.S. Today is the 30th — Mum’s flu is much better! […] You had mentioned Mum going — she said she had not thought of going so early — fine — that is not the main problem.
Right now, mum is battling her second bout of flu this fall — this one very severe — I am sure she’ll be OK — but is it a scary battle and the last couple of days, when it got bad in the night, she didn’t think she would be ok — I took her to the doctor yesterday — cough medicine and aspirins to reduce the fever (come back, if it doesn’t reduce in 3 days) — meantime she was throwing up &b getting exhausted from headache &b lack of sleep etc etc etc — The first bout lasted 3 weeks in October & was tiring & frustrating, but not so scary & no fever & no throwing up — In between, she continued to feel “fragile”. As I say, I am sure she’ll be OK — but, it is tough & it is sapping her confidence — I am putting all the energy, strength, will, love &b care & whatever into getting her through it — thank God I can be home the whole time — Anyway, I am not trying to scare you or make you feel awful — I know how hard it all is at this distance… She talked of going back later in the year — I’m sure it will happen — I think she will have to try to assess what kind of temperature/weather etc she can stand best — hot-cold-damp-humid — whatever — last summer was hard on her [extremely hot] — Right now, it is not the cold, since she is inside — and even, when well, the cold outside can be measured in small doses — She has to think of what will be ok for her both physically & mentally — she wants to go back & should & I’m sure she will — She felt that she should stick around here for a little bit this year & sort of consolidate/follow up on the sorts of connections etc she has been making, especially in Kalamazoo — and also continue working for a bit, which she was, until this flu (this one struck so suddenly — I was still up, at about 2.30 am Sat. morning — sudden & vicious).
Anyway, she can & will decide when she’ll travel… I don’t think she should/could contemplate looking after Talis — is all went well, then, probably no problem & not much looking after — and if not, there’s not much she could do, but the worry/anxiety would be a physical problem for her — between the two flus, she complained about uneven heart action, especially if she got thinking about whatever & anxious — & then the anxiety increases, because of the unevenness… It kept her awake, had her worried — she became a lot more cautious, even about the daily walks, which I am convinced keep her alive…
I don’t know how useful it is to tell you all this at this distance — I always feel that it leaves you helpless & worried — but, in some ways, not more helpless & worried than I feel at a closer distance. And I am not being morbid — In fact we have agreed, that I will encourage her as much as I can to keep moving, to keep having courage & not give up — and she will say when she really isn’t up to it — and that’s OK (mostly I want to avoid exercises etc too).
We talked about her feeling frail after the first flu — she said she was surprised at how suddenly that kind of change came — and we decided that there was no way of knowing yet whether it was still an after effect of the flu or whether it was the “next stage” — And then, wham! This second massive kick in the teeth.
I’ve spent the last two days re-typing the poems for “the book” — they needed too many corrections — Let me tell you that the timing could not be worse — under the circumstances it is close to breakdown material! Still, there was also, partly, a kind of mechanical aspect to it, plus it needed to be done, and I seem to be incapable of concentrating on anything that requires thought & attention & decision — not even the cards/letters to friends and acquaintances I thought I might tackle.
So, I didn’t intend to end up here with this letter tonight — I had intended to send it tomorrow — I will wait till Mum begins to really get better — she was better today, but so she was yesterday & then went under again in the early hours of this morning — By “better” I mean over the fever — (and I think the headache & vomiting are part of that) — the more regular parts of the flu will have to take their time & their course… This is the scary part & the battle.
Wednesday Dec. 30
So, Mum is slowly getting better — and it will take a long time, but the scare is probably over — this morning she had an upset, frail stomach — it may be from the aspirin she’s been taking to reduce the fever — and so it goes & it is slow & she gets frustrated etc — but it is beginning to begin and we will work on patience together.
Something that has helped was to play musical tapes on the ghetto-blaster — I almost never do, even though I have an assortment (I did in Banff) — also Mum had had some tapes made of some of the pieces she heard in concert in Banff (they tape them anyway & one of the students made her some copied) — so, all that was a godsend and gave her relief and calm — it ain’t much fun when you’re flat on your back & too sick to read even… Anyway, enough on that. Well, right now, I can’t think of much else — I feel as if I’ve been in a kind of fog for a week — Monday, it’s back to work. [Inese]
——————
21.5.1991 [From Inese to Dzidra]
Mum is doing really very well — she is currently feeling “dry” in terms of new work, but the fact that we have been able to put out this bunch of books has been pretty marvellous and seems to have ben at the right time & by some luck, got to some of the right people — I’m sure she has told you, but getting the books to Latvia & to some of the “right” people there (by miracle, I think) to have some of it published in the “Litertūra un Māksla” publication (the most important one there), some by their own finding it somehow (the contact with them directly came afterwards) — has been a kind of vindication of everything since she always thought, and rightly, that there was the true audience, the true critical test — Some of it is due to current political easing, some to her having “lived long enough”, some to the advent of the computer & Nelson’s help to figure out how to publish “cheaply” with it etc etc. And, if she had not gone to the writers’ conference in Kalamazoo & somehow come back with the idea that she should get a computer (although she didn’t attend the session which explained more about it) and we could not have got a discount to buy it because I was employed at Concordia (by the time I bought it, the term had just ended, but it was enough…) etc etc — Anyway, it all seems pretty amazing. [Inese]
—————-
[8. Feb. 1992] [Erna to Inese]
Dzidra has millions and millions of drawings on little sketches, nicely kept in many folders – and the big ones many framed on the walls. What to do, to use all the skill and talent – she thinks she will do that after she finishes her course. She prepares to work hard and finish it nicely.
And you should – come and visit Dzid and Australia. As soon as you will paid the mortgage. Dzidra gets a little over 100 doll. a week from government for the course. It is not much – but she manage to live ok. She switches out the hot water every night and also day, leaves in only in the time when you use bath etc. She said – she has saved about 100 doll. a year like that. Sometimes she uses her microwave oven for preparing meals, she says – it takes a little less electricity as other electric stoves. […] I have no Australian pension card – and can not use it on busses. May be later, when I will be more relaxed and the weather will be milder – I will go to pensioners Centr. Office and try to get the card. Look after yourself, be careful and good and All the best from mama. P.S. Dzidra is happy and strong! Love to you from her! P.P.S. The sun is starting to come out a little…
—————-
13.2.1992 [From Inese to Erna & Dzid in Sydney]
Dear Mum & Dzid,
Got your letter today, Mum (written on the 8th) — so, that got here quite fast — You sound good & that is good.
Here, nothing too new of different — last week, for most of the week, it got cold –0 to about 20 below, but not more & now it is warmer again, but not as warm as when you left, Mum — So, perhaps you are in the better place for the moment. Everyone is very impressed that you’ve undertaken and managed the trip!
I haven’t finished with re-organizing the books yet — it is a major undertaking! And, in between, last weekend was spent on putting the flooring down in the two bathrooms — some problems in all that (including that the upstairs toilet had a leak under it, etc etc) — still, some of it is done & some still to do — (P.S. I already had the lino tiles for the bathrooms — same as the kitchen, bought way back at that time.) Also put in a little more insulation on doors & windows (a couple) — And, if it now gets warmer again, the “incentive” will no doubt evaporate…
Have printed out your texts but have not got far yet with any corrections etc.
I did go to see the Canada pension people and did get some answers & the required piece of paper to send to Australia pension …. So: of the cheque for $542.61 (monthly) — $374.07 is Pension and the rest is Income Supplement (i.e. not counted as income by the Aust/Canada agreement) — also the $10 — from Alberta (i.e. a Provincial extra) is also Income Supplement &b not counted as income —
So, probably, the Canadian part ($374.07) will get deducted from your Australian Pension in some way and the rest of the Australian Pension will still be paid (as well as the Income Supplement bits i.e. $168.54 + $10). I assume that that is how it will sort itself out — when you come back, we’ll send off the information & then we’ll find out — In any case, you will not get less than the Canadian cheque, since they already have your information & are prepared to pay you that amount. Anyway, I don’t think you have to worry about any of it — it will all sort itself out & be OK.
Well — I’ll send this off, just so that you get a letter! — I did forward a couple of letters from Ruņģis & someone else — hope you got those — Nothing else has come since then… Take care & don’t overdo it — but do go for walks — And don’t worry about the “social” stuff — Let them know you are visiting and let them take care of the rest!
Much love to you both — and when my [mortgage] payments lessen a little later, I will be able to do a few things again…
p.s. Do you want me to call Mary in Vancouver to meet you on the return trip? pps. Happy Valentine’s Day! [3 hearts] [Inese]
NOTE: A very limited edition, produced as gift only for relatives and friends in Larvia.
———————–
[Translation by Dzidra Mitchell and Austra Hart]
10 by Kikure (10 no Ķikures)
1. Where do you linger so long, my gentle golden stag, In what stony hills clambering, rambling? In northern winds, summer winds eyes awash with bluegreen sky, stepping among forest strawberries.
Here too stones, mountains, here too the sky reflects in the streams, in the laps of blue flowers. Here too in summer winds, breezes, through the rye, footsteps stray. Hurry, hurry, day and night with arctic lights on your shoulders, my gentle, golden stag.
2. This night of sleeplessness, Darkness sighs, waters flow to the sea, to the sea! And cannot rest there, climbing into the clouds, return, come back and rain, rain across the land and flow, and flow, to the sea, to the sea.
3. And the heart marches on in its empty surrealist painting. O, not empty – the horizon, lights, a few scattered things, a hat, a chair. Distance echoes in her footsteps.
I listen to her nearby footsteps, wondering, how is she doing she goes on further, further under Magritte’s blue eye. The world’s eye? God’s eye?
4. He came, warm like fire red shirt, red beard, yellow straw hat.
His gaze opened like a blue swallow’s eye blossom among cuckoo grey flax.
Hips girded, girded in a homespun belt.
The girl smiles all day, at night already drifting half asleep, puts a hand to her cheek in wonder –
How so boldly, nearly non-stop, a smile has settled there, just on the point of sleep, as if intending to stay.
5. On the street, where you will cross, a blossom will have been dropped, Maybe you will notice, bend over, pick it up, not pick it up?
The gates did not open when you stopped that night of reconsiderations and decisions, light faded quickly in the window, the beckoner…
Given unto the unknown is the blossom on your path.
6. Like a caring hand placed on a wound, soothing the pain. Your carefree coming and going stilling the midwinter wind.
Imagine! Small strange blossoms miraculously flowering, don’t know what to call them.
Don’t name them lest they close up in the freeze, let them flower as if under glass, in winter.
(Distance is the soul of beauty – Simone Weil)
7. Through darkened sun, losing myself I sank into you, till I bumped up against your bones from throat to the soles of the feet.
Later I was amazed how in such a brief moment I could go so far, which before, I never could.
8. Parting in the last moment, when already you put the keys on the table caution finally left us. Words, spoken and unspoken, tumbled out in search of something meaningful, stopped midair, fell onto objects… Unexpected hand movements which clutched at time which no longer existed. We entered a moment of eternity dry, parched lips, mouth to mouth drinking the dark rays of the heart’s sun.
A black cloud awaited with tiny sharp flakes.
9. Melancholia, she sits there in Durer’s etching, wide skirt in folds. Sits also – beside me, holding my hands? Makes me look longingly through the window onto the street…
Melancholia, see there in the street, the people walking – How alike is their gait, how different their gait! How differently they go in their similar gait.
How it has infused their shoulders, backs, arms, legs, etched in so lightly, they swing their steps, floating, dancing the wonder of it brings great delight… then melancholy must rise again, must resume…
Melancholia can sit in Durer’s etching, no-one walks there, they are all in this street…
But here in this window, Melancholia returns, seeing how she has grown into people’s backs, shoulders, legs carved in, notched, how heavily they thrust their steps, drag, lift.
Ah, Melancholia, how differently they go their similar gait.
10. A.K. passes away.
Early childhood’s first love, the big love… But a hundred guardians stood around to see we stayed on the straight and narrow. Hard is the road through young love together with real everyday life. Hard for one so young. The road is long. Meetings brief. A hundred guardians around. The heart young and stupid knows, and doesn’t know. Those salad days, those everyday days.
Pressing against walls and doorways I try to reenter that bygone day. Those days were buried long ago, lived on only in me. And I rummage about through those hours, find old wounds, not curable unhealed – the young pass easily over everything and life thrives, overlaying it with a glossy film.
Your name, that name of names now outlined in black. Next to a cross.
How could you do that to me? How could I do that to you?
REPAYMENT (Artava)
Poems: Erna Ķikure Published: Inese Birstins, 1988, Canada ISBN: 0-9693766-0-X Design and photography: Nelson Vigneault, Canada Paintings and drawings: Dzidra Mitchell, Australia NOTE: The artwork is not intended as illustration of the content. It is a visual complement to the text.
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Alone now on an alien road
Alone now on an alien road I twirl my cane around my head with an angry joy that such walking is allowed … That walking like that is allowed like Moses in the desert where the wind blows my rags about like a royal coat, that walking like this is allowed like a horse at midnight, when the driver is drunk. My fate is drunk and lies in a deep sleep, I cannot ask it anything or know what to do. I swing my cane around my head in good joy that such walking is allowed.
Such a light night
Such a light night like a cloud streak in the air fluttering past the moon and stars. Such a light night, like dust from the road settled on the leaves fading in the moonlight. Such a light night like a scent flowing from a thirsty eucalyptus. Such a light night it weighs so heavy like a stone that has not split off from the rock, like unexcavated sand, like an iron bound bridge.
These days are sword dances
These days are sword dances Avoid the blades stretch up on your toes, do not touch anything bend down low crawl out of your skin as snakes do, escape your destruction.
Hands seek to undo
Hands seek to undo the tightened knots hard, evil which slip away, disappear hide. How do you get close? Advice neither appears nor is any use. At the very moment, the one that will slip past you have to take a step in the dark, tread onto the hidden spring not knowing where it will toss you. Should you run or stand still?
Greetings to Sydney
Beautiful city, with streets full of sun, pigeons and gulls. I’d like to escape in among your bridges, at street intersections to suffer as I wait, to follow something, to set off somewhere, to desire something. Maybe just to sit on your park benches, next to the homeless, to read the day’s news. And then – head home.
I’m being invited to dance
I am invited to dance! How can someone be so mistaken – I have a corpse’s shoes on my feet and my steps with them go downhill.
I am being invited to dance! I see – it is my turn. I can’t refuse, I can’t turn away.
Should I accept – go to meet my end in this dance? Or should I die sitting here?
The Surfboard Rider
On the peak of a charging wave, below heaven, above the waters, that form – rising, sinking, is it human or divine?
In the white foam, in the deep green troughs, the living, bronze form shatters into a hundred images.
A hundred terrors are lurking, every instant charged with dread. Isn’t the water blackening with blood? The green board flashes past like a lizard’s tongue…
Away Satan! Dread is for the old!
That form blazing in the sun, full of vigour, on the peak of a charging wave is human and divine.
Joy of the traveller in Rome
You hear the birds in the branches and feel the fruits ripening, it is all yours without bothering you with the weight of carrying.
The midday breeze is gentle above black pine trees in Rome.
Sitting on a block of marble in the shadows, you can sink into your thoughts, look in peace, watch: Across the street, on the corner where are the old baths they are erecting huge warm walls, (now it is an open-air opera house, in the evening you will hear Verdi) two girls sell love. The dark-haired one’s business is successful — during a short lunchtime she is picked up and brought back, in two, three cars. With the blonde amongst the acacias right there a cyclist makes a pact. Two policemen lazily approach, nod, reprimand and swaying lightly ride off on their small horses.
The midday breeze is gentle above black pine trees in Rome.
Go free along the sunny road strewn with straw, because they are harvesting somewhere, gathering winter and summer. Recognize the wisdom of peace and home in the yellowness, goldenness of this straw, the warmth, the welcoming reception.
The midday breeze is gentle above black pine trees in Rome.
Winter
How gently it is snowing, how gently it snows, and thoughts grow drowsy from snow like that, they no longer roam the mountains, but sit by the window in the room and listen, listen for a long time, how gently it is snowing, how gently it snows! And thoughts fall like snow over your cheek, your hands, which have so light a touch like snow on eyelashes, which melts warmly over the cheek.
A blaze flares in the fireplace
A blaze flares in the fireplace happiness catches and shakes the closed window panes and goes quiet rolls up into itself — the puppy, frightens itself with a little bark, stops falls back, flattens itself into the soft carpet. Hands pull back from everything they have to pick up so that there is quiet to be able to hear the invitation: Come on up to the rose bush at the crossroads of all possible paths.
Chez Bach
At Bach’s place I enter through the yard gate. In the garden corner where there are the small inventions, fugues, heart-pure fugues; he himself sometimes passes close by coming from the big Masses from concerts; then you can begin to hear the tinkling of a sarabande, a passepied.
[invention, fugue, sarabande, passepied — types of music]
Saturday evening
Along my outstretched hand come cars and go shimmering, no, it is a street to which my spirit descends in some worshipful way that is great and fragile like translucent air stirring the tree tops. Saturday evening again, these currents flow full of dissatisfaction and gentleness just like Christmas expectations, my palm touches caresses the mountains tightly bedded down blue on the horizon, no, it is a seagull coming from the sea that falls into the deceptive smoke haze lost, after playing around too long. Over city roofs the sea lifts a boat like a white sail, like an echo of the seagull, as with wings of beacon light which have grown dizzy it still flies and flies towards the mountains.
You haven’t left me yet
You haven’t left me yet, Native Land, at night in dreams you call me to your shores
but when I awake (where do I wake?) the world has split right to the middle
no way over, nor around neither roads, nor bridges.
Dream
The day carries away floating like a raft, what a dream at night had brought to show me from ancient times like a movie unscrolling:
There were old Latgale clay jugs on [loggers’] rafts, large-sized as in a dream, like gray-green sails, there were campfires and quiet fishermen on the banks, there were many log-rafts in the slow stream made of red pine and white birch, roundabout there were meadows all green with long grass, riverbanks overgrown with alder dreamily splendid …
How do you flow, Aiviekste, along your ancient shores?
There
On Sundays she spread a white cloth (linen threaded), and we gathered happily at the breakfast table. Around us the dew-steeped garden, tranquil and green, the yard, fields, road, forest; the river Aiviekste sporting with tiny waves which reflected on the walls – invitingly, and the clock with a flash of gold pendulum, slowly struck the morning hour. But time did not stand still. “Now then – hurry along, get ready…” called her voice as she cleared the table And so we have been – hurrying, getting ready, until this very day.
Vision
And suddenly I hear — chariots of honour rumble along all of Laudona’s highways.
Where are you rushing, my heart, to the festivities, with [type of] roses, lovage, night violins [type of small orchid]?
But my heart flees under the roses, my heart under the thorns — there I see they are taking to the cemetery my brother-in-law, our new parish elder.
Escape under the roses, heart, hide as best you can but don’t cover your eyes: behold, beside father’s tomb with forever a pale face sits mother,
and sister comes with a baby at her breast, as splendid as summer, forever now alone.
And then it all sinks behind the linden leaves, behind the strong sunlight.
But along all the roads with summer flowers along the ditches new steps are sounding, lots of new steps are advancing.
First Ice
When on the brown leaves I feel the first signs of ice, my heart leaps at the promise of winter joys.
I feel as though I must once again harness the old bay and return home from my long sojourning.
I harness up with knots deft and tight and try to divine where North and South once lay.
For a long time now I’ve been getting ready, attiring myself for the journey not knowing where my rig might take me.
When beneath my feet I feel the first ice I stop where the four roads meet.
And instead I send a message with the migrating birds – it seems to me that they too are now heading northwards towards morning.
.
Poems and faces. Latvian poetry abroad. Arranged by Teodors Zeltins. Editors: Vitauts Kalve, Eriks Raisters, Gunars Saliņš, Linards Tauns. 1962. Grāmatu Draugs, publisher.
Poems and Portraits (Dzejas un sejas)
I call a distant name
I call a distant name, I sense your response: “Here I am! Well, can you hear me? How can you make so much noise!"
A moment of brighter light, an instant of warmer warmth. Amazement. Uncertainty again, and too ashamed to shout.
