Ceturt. 10. jūl. 1980.
[Erna to Inese]
Mīļā Inesīte,
Did you go to Siettle? Is Gordon in Victoria? M.

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Wednesday, 6 August.
[Erna to Inese]
[sent to Banff, forwarded to Victoria, B.C.]

Dear Inese,

Thank you for the letter from Banff... We got the last National Geographic with pictures and story about Canadian Rockies and especially about – Banff. All about the millions and millions of tourists, and black bears and grizlies and wilderness and horse pack trips etc. etc. but not a word about the Banff Centre and college and art etc. So – the usually story. But it is good to look at the added map with all the lakes, and roads and some very colorful pictures, and one – Banff in the late evening (with lights) deep in the valley, fotographed up from one mountain, with 2 late skiers there.

We have some hope for nearing spring, had a long and pretty sharp winter. It might be, that the cold winter stopped us from more vital artistic activities. I have not had the courage to go for second time to Newcastle to arrange the exhibition, Dzid has not done any search for galleries here. But – we have gone to some performances – theatres, play readings, films, I keep walking to the park, reading too. And soon now – the warmer days might come. already have nicer air at daytime. All together – we had not much rain – so nothing to complain.

I have not been yet to Canadian Embassy – have to go, settle the extent of my stay, if possible. In Canada, when I got the permission to stay a year here, the office clerk said – just go and ask for more extension and you will get it. But have to ask about it before I make all my plans to stay longer.

Your plans in all the directions seem to develop just fine! Even your French comes in so good a use. It sure will help your popularity a lot! So enjoy yourself with all the social life you get there. You will be able to do your work more freely at home afterwards. And – the big success with the selling those 3 pieces! Also the news from Hope seems to be good – pleasant surroundings naturewise etc. I would like to join in there straight away – but I think I have to stay until March, and also – enjoy as much as I can the goodies what is here – the theatres, the big city etc.

… Just now – went and asked about the extension of my stay away from Canada? I can get it, have to fill a form, and supply a photo. So – that I must do. It was a long walk around the city, to find the embassy, also went to David Jones for some goodies – cheeses, smoked ‘teylor’[?]. Canadian smoked salmon costs 32 doll. a kilo! (Teylor – 4.25.).

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12. august 1980

Dear Inese and Gordon

I am writing this note – just to share your big success – Gordons new pleasant work in Hope, Ineses enormous luck with such high class order! I hope, you Inese, will be able to work that thing as you please and let yourself go on all your creative forces freely. I wish you all the ideas to be realised without too much frustrations, doubts etc. We here are still under those things – frightened to grab the bull by the horns…

Now – the holidays are almost starting – Tālis goes to Melbourne this Thursday (but we do not know for how long, probably not for all the holidays, as he is going away couple of days before the school finishes).

In those free days I have to write something for Rakstnieku dienas. If you have not done yet the sending of my dress – leave it. I will have the long one (silk, what I have here) to wear for the ball (or something) and make together some new, or halfnew outfits. The spring is kind of starting – we have already nice and sunny days. The nights still cold, but not too bad.

We (that is – I) hope that we will make a trip to Newcastle and may arrange an exhibition there. I am speaking of it all the year already…

Clive is leaving for good to Melbourne now together with Gay and Tālis. They go to Clives new farm – half an hour drive from Melbourne. Clive will soon stay on 3 day a week job, and live in farm mostly. Now (from thursday on) they will go and arrange the farm – house, and garden etc. etc.

Dzid imagines that they will live – so beautifully, so good, so ideal etc. etc. and has trouble to persuade herself that nothing will be so perfect and ideal that she should envy – but so the thinking goes.

Our boarder did not come this weekend from his job in Newcastle – we got message from his friends, that he is sitting in jail for some driving troubles. He needs $400 to bail him out of jail till the court day, and the friends did the money finding. But we have not heard of him, how it all goes. He had lost his driving licence for a year, and there were only 2 month left, and he could get it back, but now he has fallen again for something, just driving without that licence or something more. He was coming the weekends here, dead tired from the long drive after work (often from Glosester) then all the weekend drinking and parties, then driving at night back. Last weekend he was sitting in our lounge room quite exhausted from the good times – and waiting for his friend late after the midnight to start the long drive back to work. He said – his friend will drive, he will not – but how it all was – who knows. After all he has been driving and now is – basta. Dzidra is thinking only of her board money – if he will come and pay. The other boarder keeps trying with his bistro. One of Dzidras pictures is there too, and she changed it for another one after 2 weeks – so at least there is some exhibited from her works. Now all our hopes are for the holidays, to do some working, some going around to the galleries to offer the paintings etc.
At Latvians there is a play (first night) this weekend – I have to go.

Have not heard again from my editor. Promised – that the books I will get in August… Today I send them a card to remind them about that…

Well – you probably have not time for long letter reading – so I will finish… We are eating some healthy food – lemon tree still gives us most delicious fruit – mild, juicy almost like oranges – we make jelly (with gelatine, out of them – all juice and skins). Sometimes I am making also alfalfa at home and beansprouts…
Have good times! Be happy! Enjoy your success! Good luck!
Xxx M.

Friday – Tālis away to Melb. We – Dz + me were to a theatre – play (in Nimrod) written by a young Latvian from Queensland. Had learned acting in London etc. The play – ‘Backyard’ – about Australias suburban life. His name – Jānis Balodis – Australians pronounce it Žanis Baloudis – sounds funny…

The big city’s happening was the 23-24,000 people ‘jogging’ from Townhall to Bondi beach. ‘City to beach’ 14 kilometres run, had to be finished in 45 min.
It was an amazing sight how they (the mass of people – standing full street from Townhall till the other side of the Hidepark) moved, like a cloud of ants, children, women, oldies even cripples – some finished in 2 hours time…

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Tuesday 2 sept. 1980.

Dear Inese and Gordon!

How are you ??? Will you have to pack out of Victoria soon? Good luck! I got the dress you sent me, Inese. Thank you very much. It came on here perfectly fine. I am a little too fat yet for it, but I can get in it in… And I have 3 weeks to count calories! I do not know if I really will need it – but I might – there will be Rakstienku Dienas, Kulturas dienas and Eižena Freimaņa piemiņas vakars – he composed music for 3 of my poems, and there will be a concert, and I have to be there too… These all are small things – but have to attend they and etc. etc.

Our holidays were fine, and they practically are ending tomorrow when Tālis will arrive… However Dzidras school starts half a week later. Dzidra felt Tālis absence as relieving and relaxing as I did. She felt happy, took paintings to Macquary Univers. exhibition (however – no prices for her this time…) and is painting big paintings and plans to send some to Blakes exhibition which starts late September. I have not done a thing new – but have sent things to Latvian paper, have rewritten and revised a short story for Rakstn. dienas. (Found also the good reader for it – Zeltīte Nīce.) Now I am relaxed about Rakstn. dienas no more to worry too much.

This weekend I was in Newcastle with Freijs – we almost have summer here. At least some days have been perfectly warm. In Newcastle I was sunbathing one day with others, but next day drank too much wine (with the others…) and was sick at night… But the day after that – I was all right again, except a little slower and weaker…

With Dzid we have been round to all the nearest galleries to look at the exhibitions – to learn what really goes on in the art world? Before that Dzid took some of her drawings to the top gallery where all the ‘big aces’ are exhibiting, but she was refused – was asked if she has paintings too, but really they were not interested to start with an unknown artist just by seeing some of his drawings. Dzid of course (and me too) had to reorganise our thinking and our ways to making new plans! Dzid took it quite reasonably – looked at all the other exhibitions – found out – that she is all right, but she might need to exhibit not only drawings, but make some new paintings too – and started to work quite happily. So – the big attacking Sydney – is just a little postponed, but also – already started with the exhibitions to be joined.

Only – harder changes will bring Tālis returning, and school. But at the moment Dzid seems to be on her way to work even in between other duties. She has made a big painting for Ojars Neimanis – she phoned him and he settled a day to come and pick it up – and then postponed the coming, date not now settled. Dzid thinks – may be the wife said a word. But – once he will come. The painting is unusually romantic and sweet – like those she made for the theatre hall, and which were sold — with plants (green, green) water, sky (blue) birds (white). About the same way – she has painted one still bigger which she plans to send in for Blake. But she is not quite satisfied, and will try to paint one more. My air ticket, to Canada and back to Sydney, is in my pocket! I have to go (and come back if wanted) in 15. of March (1981-1982). For my old ticket I got $282 refund and had to pay cash (at once ) — $396.- I think – it came out just fine. But the little clerk was working 2 days to get agreement for it from 2 bosses which one was willing and for it – the other not willing and against it – there seem to be dozens of kinds of rules, which have to be (or not have to be) followed – all, or some, or none… I still have to get the visit extension – but my foto and a filled out form is already there – I have only to bring them and show – my ticket. (They were not happy to give me one more year to stay here, as for a while seemed, that I might get only an oneway ticket, but free to take my trip in one years time. What was not really what I wanted myself.)

Dzid also have spoken to the saturday market people – and one sat. morning she will take her ‘cards’ there and might get a half table – and I am making some little embroideries to join. So – in the last days we have been quite productive…
Hope you both doing fine as usually!!
Love xxx M.
P.S. Our boarder phoned (sent money too) that he has got his court case postponed…!

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Tuesday 12. Sept. 1980.
[Erna to Inese]

Hallo there!

I hope you are in the new – magnificent place, in the special corner of that magnificent country! Much happiness, good days, success, health and wealth etc. etc. Thank you for sending me the cuts out of the magazines – I think of the place quite often and wish to start there a good time too…

Dzid does not think much of going there. She is busy here… The bad news first… Dzidras car was stolen. On sunday morning (last week), she discovered – her car is gone. Went to police – could not find her insurance papers, discovered – the last payment has not been paid (no reminding has been sent), and if the car will be lost forever – no compensation she will get. So – worries and anger… On wednesday night police phoned – they found the car not too far away somewhere on the street. Dzid went straight away and got it home – badly bent in, at right front wheel, damaged something at the pedals inside, — but – it moves. She will have to spend some hundreds to straighten it out, but the first good thing the old wreck could help her was – to take her big picture to Blakes exhibition…

Further – the good news: Dzid got invitation to Dagnijas and Ojārs wedding on 9th November. She is glad to go.
In holidays started outburst of Dzidras painting powers have not stopped and she is busy working out pictures and sketches.
Ojārs Neimanis and his wife [left] came and happily took the big painting (what Dzid prepared for them) home and gladly paid $250.-

After Rakstnieku dienas (yesterday, the monday after all the 3 days festival) I invited the authors and literature lovers here home at us. It was a nice – open day, they come (not all of them, but sufficiently many) had a good chat – and the best thing for Dzid – as the last two persons came Vita Kristovska and Krīvs. He has been a painter, an owner of a little gallery, now has a commercial art office. He has a really sharp and trained eye for paintings and artists talents – (as he has been experienced judging them for his gallery once), and he was astonished by Dzidras abilities. Encouraged her to start with exhibitions, said just the same advice that you, Inese, did – to let the word Dzidra be here and there and more and more of it – and let the critics notice it and, start to speak – and then she will have the material with what to impress the big galleries and get possibilities to exhibit there. He described very clearly what the hard, but necessary road to all that is. First – just not to postpone anything – start at Latvian house, then Newcastle etc. Dzid – is impressed and has got a real push, and will do all the starting. Krīvs liked very much her drawings, her little abstracts and the big works. He said – she has rhythem, composition, aliveness etc. So – at Latvians the hall is not hard to get, and in nearest future Dzid will have to bring her paintings and all her stuff there.

My Rakstnieku dienas also went O.K. Zeltīte Nīce did a good job by reading it (my story) – people liked it, though I think – it was just a little bit too long, but others were still much more too long. Got some compliments. Then, here at home, I showed the paperback – my new book, the letters – and it is to be hoped – the book will go well – only trouble is – the editor is sleeping again. Before Xmas he has to send the books here! How to impress him to finish the job – I do not know. I hope – he will move again.

Last tuesday Ida visited us – said goodbye, and on wednesday left for Switzerland, for nine months or so.
The weather is warm and sunny, the nights still cold, but – the spring is here. Hats, onepiece swimmers, pants with narrow ends – are in. All kinds of walking ‘sneekers’ are in etc.
We were voting our local leaders – from the laborer list…
Tālis had a cold – but not too bad, all others – O.K.

I got at Rakstn. dienas a present from Ozoliņa kundze – a long, nice josta – belt. Here at home they brought cut flowers, 2 little pots of living flowers and there are a casket and 2 bottles of riesling and 3 boxes of chocolates left – (and beer and a flagon red wine from our supply) so we could have a party straight away continued, but we have to work. I have to write a novel – that would make bigger things of me – however – the trouble is the printing of the stuff what I already have…
We will wait news from you! How all the big things are going and how is the new place??
Xxx M.

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 24. okt. 1980.

Dear Inese and Gordon!

Now it is really a very long time since we have heard from you!! I am waiting for – November, as you said – in November you will finish your big work! I hope – you do well and there is not too much trouble with it all!!! Keep cool. Take your time. Ann Dads companion phoned last week, so we know, that you are moved to Hope. Sure – it all makes you terribly crowded with little and big duties, but as soon, as you have a minute – write some lines!

We are struggling like always. Dzid is still in creating mood, still produces new paintings (experiments and working with colors,) has also survived a second ‘shock’ – the painting in Blake exhibition was rejected. It was not framed, they asked – all to be framed, but this is so big, even it seems not possible to put in frame, and so – still Dzid felt the rejection painful. But when we went to Blake exhibition – we were shocked by the quantity, and by the unexplainable choice of works – half of them ugly and bad. The first part going through the Bank hall (where they are put out) we both had sad feelings – that Dzidras painting is not to be seen there, but going further – we both confessed to each other that we had the feeling – good that Dzidras work first is not be seen here among the rubbish and peculiarities. And it was not – only beause Dzids picture was rejected… Straight away – we put it on the roof of the car again and went to Ryde – for another exhibition. Halfway down – the wind tore off the picture (one side) and broke the frame, pushed the wood through the canvas too… So – we turned back, and as it was the last days for the entrees to that exhibition – the picture has not been restorated – it will be quite a job to pull the canvas on a new frame – and then may be also – put a frame around it. – So – there has been hard moments, but Dzid is settling down – doing and appreciating her work. She also thinks – she has much to do – to make bigger paintings, to experiment etc. and as there is no much hope of selling at the Latvian club – she does not start the effort to exhibit there – she – is in working mood and have to use it!

I have not done absolutely nothing. But there is a good change for me now – I (for the first time now) have my typewriter upstairs in the room, where Martin (formerly Glenda) was – Martin likes to be downstairs – so I happily accepted the change in our rooms. I have to be careful with the stairs – but I think I can manage that. All other things here is much better – the room is much bigger, really my own, as nobody has to go through it or even near it – and here I will not feel so much the weather changes. I really hope, that I will put around all my unfinished works – and go happily through them, here I feel free from the fear of interruptions, and that for me is very important. There is not much news otherwise – We have not been out much lately, the weather is summery warm, Tālis got a bike (secondhand, mammy bought for him), and sometimes we all, or they two only, go to park and have a good ride.

The promise to have my book on August was a ‘bluff’ – there has not been no letters, no explanations – just nothing from the editor. I wrote a short letter – that they should send out the books this month… I also phoned Ojārs Neimanis [left] – if he has an advise – what to do in such a case – and he said, there is hard to do anything impressive from here. But he suggested to write a demanding letter, and if there is no news in 3 weeks time, then he might think of something more official to attack him. We will see. It is annoying. It is also hard to understand – why he does not finish it, as it is already set in print, and even promised so convincingly – you get it in August…. I wish, I had learneds [courses] and tried to write in English. I even am tempted to start it now… But…

Ann said about them – that they go to bowling every day, and even twice a day, she also said – that she is not allowed to phone or write to Dzid – she was away couple of days from home, and then phoned…
All our love to you! Do not work to hard – let them wait a little if you are late…
Love to you both from us. Tālis is strong and – not too bad!!
Xx M.

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Monday 10. Nov. 1980.

Dear Inese and Gordon.

Thank you for your letter. So you are in the new house, the new place! Who of you will bet that I will not come to the magnificent country – will loose. Only in case (what seems not to happen…) Dzidra would be too deep in her troublesome life, I would stay here. That is – without a break to go to you place. Tālis is not too bad, but still – he is a full time job for everyone who is around him. We have dry weather all the time – except yesterday for one day it was raining. The country is black and brown, but city is just beautiful. Dzid was to Ojārs + Dagnijas wedding. For the present we bought a ceramic, a pot (vase) from Dzidras friend Willy, in his exhibition. By the way – it was an annual exhibition of North Sydney – many potters and painters and weavers – (Willy hoped to get Dzidras paintings there – but the Gallery has their own countless painters…) and the paintings were not very good, but the weavings were – just owful! Even big pieces without any taste of colours, composition etc. (So were some wallhanging pieces in the Latvian rokdarbu izstāde.) Somewhere there are good weavers – but mostly around there goes just – crap.

Tomorrow Dzid will start marking, — every afternoon she will go from 4-9 pm or so, for 2 weeks.
Then – soon after that will be the holidays!!!

Clive, once in a phone call, when he had come to Sydney, mentioned – that to take Tālis for the Xmas holidays, will be pretty difficult for his mother… Now, couple of days ago he phoned from Melbourne – talked to Dzid, how she is guilty herself that she has lost him… If she would be more understanding – all would have been good… How he misses – Tālis! Will she miss – him too, and may be she would not let Tālis come all the holidays to Melbourne?… Is not he a hipocrite?? Dzid said – no, she wont miss Tālis for those – 6 weeks, having him all the year here. So. It is not yet quite sure, if he will have Tālis for the holidays. If not – we have to plan to put Tālis in some childrens holiday home. I cannot imagine not having a break from him, for some weeks… And Tālis would need some more strict patterned life for a while. He is not too bad – but all modern children, how much I can see – are burden on their parents much more as children ever have been so. They are demanding, cranky, stubborn, rude, noncooperative, lazy and with all that develop slowly, stay babylike, without respect for people and things. They are full with the TV crap, full with pocket money buying crap etc.

For the first time I think – it is not bad at all that you have no children. They are just new human beings, without special mistery, and if they happen to have their stubborn demanding characters – they just use up your life. Sure I am blubbering nonsence, the sun is disturbing my typing – and that is why I see all like that. But – there is much truth in that horrible statements of mine… I just started to read a book written by a French Canadian author – Rejean Ducharme – ‘The Swallower swallowed’. My editor (after receiving a short and demanding letter from me) has written again – a promise, to get the book ready till Xmas. I do not believe in his words, but – once he will finish it, I believe in that. All together I am full with nasty thinking of everybody and everything. I am trying not to – but it is quite a fight to keep oneself mild and good and happy etc. etc. Dzid has met some younger Latvians in the wedding who might buy some of her pictures, if she will make an exhibition. So – after marking, — we have to think of that.

Imants girl is pregnant (4 months) – and friends are not happy about his ‘luck’ – that is what Dzid has seen and heard in that wedding. Duly’s wife has told Dzid, that she has arranged with Duly [right] – if he leaves, if they have to separate – he will have to take the children and she will take the furniture!… I think that is a splendid idea to settle the things timely so, that the ‘Flying Duchman’ knows that he will not be able to fly alone… And so – the flying might loos the meaning…

Wednesday 12. 11.

Dzid has her second marking day. I am fighting to go smooth with Tālis. May be Dzid will make a party on saturday here…
Wish a big success to you with that big ‘tapestry’!!!
Xxx M.

Thursday, the 13th Nov.

No, I did not think of alluring Bosniches to come to Australia, but I wanted to ‘cheer them up’ – I send them a picture book of Sydney (the ones which are printed 2-3 years ago, are very cheep to buy), and in the page, where there is ‘the Night lif’, I put in a postcard – a girl striptease, also said – to be from Kingscross – ‘Night life’ – If I had known they have babys and cradles on the programme at the moment, I might not have done that, a little bit naughty thing… Anyway – let them have it!

We will have a party on saturday – that is Dzid will have her friends all what she can get, also from the marking people. Some of them had had supper at Tilley’s (our boarders place) and have seen there Dzidras pictures and – liked them!

If only I could push Dzid to go to Newcastle and see the artgallery there, she could fall in love with that place – and might arrange an exhibition there. But – she is too busy… May be we will be able to do something in Latv. Nams.

In our garden does not grow anything what I put in, except Dads big garlics – Nobody have eaten them, they gave a funny taste to every meal I tried to put them in, so – we planted them, they are growing high, but – what the result will be – does not matter. The trees are growing fine! The eucalipt is just beautiful – now it is dropping its bark, as a really big tree. Then – Sydney city gave to every citizen who wanted it, one plant of a tree (to choose – a special gumtree, some bushes etc.), I took a jekaranda – Dzid planted it – and it is growing just like a cabbage! It can have only an hour, or so, of the sun in the day – but it struggles up like mad. So we will have – another nice tree.

We have been to some galleries, but not to theatres, have to wait until all the schools will be over… The weather is dry and hot, but not yet really a nice beach weather… Also – that will come later.
Be good, have a good time! – I would not mind to be there with you already…
Xxxx M.

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9. dec. 1980.

Wishing the Merry Xmas and the happy New year to you! We might write more and a better Xmas message – now I am just hurrying to send you this simple card, what is meant for Davenports – have lost their address – please readdress and send it to them! Hope for a letter from you soon. This is the last week in school – and may be next week Tālis will go to Melbourne. We hope so. We would like to have a rest from those days with him… I have done nothing in writing. I cannot enjoy the Australias weather as well as before – the sun kills me the weather is – dry and hot without a break.

Dzid finished her marking – o.k. Then we had a weekend camping in Kangaroo valley – together with some of Dzidras friends. It was quite beautiful there – but it was very hot and terribly many flies… In all the years spent in Australia I had never seen so many flies… The river was very dry – but there were among the stones, deep in the valley fresh water, we even could have a swim (kind of swim…)

I have not received news that my books would have been send out – and the Xmas is there, and the last promise was – „You will have it on Xmas 2!” So I let Dzid make photos of all the letters (promises) and all the money orders I have sent to him – and together with some warning words that I will do something – I send them to the editor, and asked to send the books out – or I will let translate the letters and agreements, and promises and look for some official help… We will see what happens.

It is just a misery – what those people do to me. I hate it all so much, that I cannot sit down and finish writing. May be when Tālis will be away and all that shopping and cooking and babysitting done for a while, I will do something… I should not, but I feel tied up. I went to optist, got new (expensive) glasses – and they are ok, but no so good as the old ones – makes tired my eyes when I read long time. He said to come and tell him [….rest of sentence missing]
[..] as I will get your letter!
Xxx M.
Got a long letter from Bosniches.

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[On back of postcard of Sydney Opera House]
[Erna to Inese]
March, 1982

Happy Birthday dearest Inese!
Australia is a magnificent country!
Your mama and your sister.

————

Sidnejā 27. April, 1982.
[Erna to Inese]

You said, you will wright – so, when you have time, please wright. Dzid wanted to wright to you – but we are busy, busy,
Love to you + Gordon – xxx
P.S. I booked my flight: 19 of June, leaves Sydney 2.45 pm. QF 003.
(Price – A $ 1119), return 18th jun 1983, QF 004.

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[1982?]
[Erna to Inese]

Mīļo Inesi.

The Mountain Climber.           Rainis [famous Latvian poet]

Then you will get lonelier
Year after year
From you will go friend after friend
Rare traveller, relative of your soul,
And a rare flower, who will grow (for you) on stone,
Then will disappear those too,
And in the mountain voids
Endless calm will weight your heart,
You won’t find the rest in the glaciers
Around you the shield of ice will close
But all the desires of Earth
Will burn your chest.

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31.12.1982
[From Inese to Dzidra]

[…] I’ve spent Xmas here [at the Banff Centre] — as you probably know by now, Mum came & spent 4 days here too. There was no point in going home. Gordon is spending a week with his lady-friend & I thought that I didn’t need to go through all that trauma at close quarters. It seems that he & she are serious & that we are splitting…

[…] I have had this incredible feeling that I’m changing so fast that I can’t keep up with it — Mum had some insights on that — her theory is that I’m sort of freewheeling — following my own thinking without reference to another (father, husband etc) I think there’s some truth in that, but somehow I have to slow it down a little, control it a little, before I destroy myself physically, if not mentally — I have this incredible sensation of growth!

One of the things I keep telling myself I’m incredibly lucky in is friends — and I think that is true beyond all reasonable measure! I feel I have friends who are the most amazing people — and I’m amazed that they have any interest or time for me — There’s something there that is more important than any job or success will ever be — provided that I don’t starve to death of course! […] It is incredible to me to have Mum for a friend, though we don’t share as openly as you & she do; it is amazing that, finally, I can write to you like this — though I know that we can talk like this & more — & it’s crazy that we’re all so far apart — and yet, there is some cord that denies distance.

[…] I think of you, I think of Mum & I’m overwhelmed — I don’t know how you cope — I don’t know what kind of tearing happens to you in terms of Talis — I don’t know what kind of tearing happens in terms of Mum visiting and leaving you & me & being on her own — there seems in all that a loneliness that is too terrible to contemplate — I am told around here, that I am such a strong woman — well, it’s a great act — I am incredibly tired of being a “strong woman”! It is said as a compliment and with much admiration — it is ture & it is a fraud! It is said with some envy and with much fear of understanding — we all do understand, but won’t face it & won’t talk about it! What else can you be to survive, and to save face, & to try and not make the other person feel uncomfortable and not make them alienated, since even if they know, they can’t help you and all it does is make them acknowledge their own loneliness — this sounds pretty grim — but it probably is. There are times when my friend (woman) of the couple I mentioned above, comes with such need, in such nakedness, that I have to be almost (no, not almost) cruel, and be breezy and bright because I can’t stand to be faced with it from another person — I can’t help her — I can’t even help myself — I feel the same way about Mum — and even about Dad — there seems to have to be some barrier of self preservation (or self-deception, which amounts to the same thing) which makes you stop, which makes you put on some sort of mask of “everything is OK — just keep going!” — I don’t know where I’m heading with all this & I don’t know any answers — right now, all I can say to myself is the same: “everything is OK — just keep going!” — and eventually, in some form it’s true…

[…] [Note on side] The perception of those kind of lonelinesses seem to cut me open — from the front of me — top to bottom, to my backbone — I feel them literally — perhaps that’s how I should “show” it in my “bodies”! […] Well, Dzid, … I love you more that I can say and more than you know. When will I see you? At the moment, I can’t imagine — and that hurts!
Inese

———————–

Otrdiena 5 jūl. 1983
[Erna to Inese]

Dzid does not work in painting, at the moment. Just now – got an invitation to send her works for the common exhibition, where she once got that award. She said – she might start to make some painting.

Carol (the English girl) is struggling to extend her visit in Australia, but if she will not get it – she will leave in 3 weeks time… Dave, the other boarder (Scottish) will stay till Xmas. So – it will be big changes again with the people here. Those 2 are good, live normally (do not smoke) pay OK.

This saturday a Latvian ‘boy’ Brūveris, phoned Dzid to come to – Selonijas balle with him. Dzid will go, but probably not in a balldress.
I have read Faulkners novel, started another one. Thinking hard – what to write in a story? Probably I will have to write – what I think, and that will not be very ‘national’, sorry to say. My story ‘Saules brālis’ (about a tramp) is in Latv. paper. So – I can write what I see…
Love! Xxx M.

—————————

Monday – 18th July 1983
[Erna to Inese]

Dear Inese!

[Photos: Left, Inese and her own work in Banff studio. Right, the work in exhibition at Banff]

Your exhibition is near (or maybe started already!) and you might be very busy!

I am through with my cough (have sucked away 3 packets of menthol bonbons…)

The weather is warm and sunny at daytime, still – cold at nights. Alltogether have to know to ajust as the harsher habits of this weather: warm in the sun, cold in the shade etc. Lately there are not so much wind.

We went to a theatre in Seamore Centre – it was a nice performance with real wrestling in the ‘struggle of the life’ (man and woman), we enjoyed it very much, very modern and powerfull stuff!!

Now, for tomorrow Dzid will try to get tickets for some theatre in Opera House.

We also visited 3 art galleries. In one was an exhibition of – weaving. Big things on walls, mostly – not wool, but some rougher fibre. Some quite nice, some a little boring. But – plenty work done.

Dzid is painting little colourful abstracts to put them together in a bigger pictures, and to top them with some little landscape and nature stuff. [Sketch of 16 small squares with a roundish shape in the middle, in rows of 4, forming together a larger square] Something like that. In the little squares there is an oval drowing – they all are the same size and in all different colours. It all looks very poetic! She has made already ‘hundreds’ of them, and puts together in colour schemes – but does not know – how she will frame them??

I have not done a thing!.. But soon now, I will start to finish some my unfinished stories. Have not got ‘new ideas’. Would like to know – how you are doing? How is your new position, how the catalog etc. etc. Some day we will hear from you! And how is Nelsons cookbook? Etc. [Nelson (left) was designing a cookbook for a client, using Dzidra’s drawings]

—————

Otrdiena 26 (?) jūlijs 1983
[Erna to Inese]

Love from Dz. She asked me – how much is airfares to C.
P.S. not perfectly, but somehow I am doing the exercises…

——————-

Sveiki tur viņā pusē! [Greetings over there on the other side!]

Gaidu vēstuli – kā Tev iet? Kā ar darbu kā ar izstādi, etc? [I am waiting for a letter — how are you? How was the exhibition, etc.?] We have – warm days now, especially in the middle of the day. I am through with my coughing (and spitting…) and I hope I will be all right now. (I have quite changed there in Canada, cannot understand this climate anymore… takes time…

Dzid was to a party to Ojārs and Dagne. Met some other Latvians – also Ilze and Dāliņš, and Imants and Polly. [Photo L to R: Ilze Dāliņš, Kārlis Gulbergs, Jānis Dāliņš]

The next day was the Sunday when there is the big run, ‘from City to beach’ – Ilze [right] and Dāliņš did the running (without their 2 sons), after the running, the Latvians, the same group – met in Centennial Park for a picnic – Dzid went too. Then it was arranged that Dzid (and me) we will go to Latv. theatre – ‘Kaleidoskops’, where Ilze ‘going plika’ uz skatuves… (Actually she was not plika, but in swimmsuit…) Anyway – Dzid had to go to some insight gathering that saturday, so we went to latv. theatre next day, (second performance) – the young Latvians were not there, but I met some of my – preses ļaudis. Dzid said, that the sayings goes around that – Imants does not love his wife, but loves very much his little son – 2 years old now. Nice kid, Dzid. said. Dzid finished her strict diet 2 weeks, (on veget. No fat, no milk, no sugar etc. But sometimes – cheese.) Now she eats other things too, when she goes out, but at home mostly stays on the same diet. She is working busy with her little paintings, making already about 16 pictures – she wants to make about 20. The hard thing is to trim them and then – how to put them in a frame…?

Dzid is also very busy with putting pot plants all over the house hanging them on balconies etc… The garden is also trimmed from all the useless branches, full of sunshine now, and just now, Dzid is phoning some man who makes fences and gates, and will let him make a fence and a gate in the back of the backyard, so that people from the street cannot walk in. Carol is leaving next week, going to share a flat with her girlfriend. But as Tālis coming next week, then Dzid will postpone advertising for a new boarder – after holidays. Dzid plans to take Tālis to snowy mountains for some days, now she is thinking hard – how to arrange that – all the things that would be needed – boots etc. are expensive, and the hotel and all the other things. We will see, how she will get with it all through.

————

Sept 23. 1983 [Banff]

Dear Mum & Dzid,

Thanks for the letters & the photos — the gums in the snow are beautiful — since I’ve been away, I’m always startled by their colours — I remember that from the first trip back. […]

[…] Life has been pretty hectic. The summer always is hectic and putting our two shows at the same time doesn’t help. Still, I am alive and well. […] I do need some time off. […] There was only one weekend between the opening of the show in Calgary and the beginning of the Winter session here — and that was a bit rough — and the last body for the show was still damp when I hung it!! I keep saying I’ll never do that again, but I know that it always ends up that way, no matter how well you think you’ve planned it.

So, included here are some of the brochures we had done for Calgary. The catalogue for the Banff show won’t be ready for a few weeks yet — lots of trouble with photographing the stuff — some of Anne Pixley’s work is more or less impossible to reproduce. Nelson re-photographed some of it 4 times! (And I was usually involved with being an assistant!) Lots of effort, but in the process, I’ve sure learnt a lot, especially about lighting my pieces and about the differences that there are between what one can see in real life and what shows up, and how it reads in photographic reproductions (“transparent fallacies” is what Nelson calls them).

[…] I’m pretty pleased about both shows and there’s been quite a bit of interest from people who run galleries — whether anything will come of that remains to be seen – but it’s nice to know that at least some of them find the work interesting and “different”.

Other stuff — I met a Latvian woman — she is apparently a writer (from Toronto) & said that you, Mum, would know of her — she knew of you — I gave her your address & here is hers:
                  Indra Gubiņa […] Toronto, Ont.

She came to the studio and looked me up as a fellow Latvian, I guess. She asked if I was interested in showing with the Latvians — I said, yes, of course — but I must say I have my doubts as to what their interest and/or understanding might be! Still, who knows. She looked at portfolio photos of my stuff and my impression was that she related a lot better to the old, flat, “wallhanging” stuff, than the newer “bodies” stuff, which I don’t think she knew what to think of — more of less expectable! Quite funny, really!

Gordon has been sending the Latvian papers on to me — in the April 29 issue is the poem Laiks Zvana & in the May 13 issue is the story Saules Brālis — the last issue I have is July 8. […]

[…] Angelika got your letter and said she would write — don’t know if she has — she’s pretty busy too. She got the job of Assistant Head in Ceramics here and I think that will make her private life much easier. From what I see of them at work, she & Hubert [right] are getting along just fine. Jane also got your letter — she & Bryn are in Europe at the moment (2 months — back Oct 8) — it’s the first time she’s been, so I imagine she’s having a wonderful time — they started in England and Wales (most of Bryn’s family is there) and then are going to the Continent — France, Portugal, I think — don’t know where else. Maggie has got a job here a couple of days a week to look after the plants in all the buildings (she’s an expert) — that means that she has been able to quit all her other awful part-time jobs — she makes the same amount of money (which is very little) but has more time — she is painting furiously (she’s the one who paints the apes etc — now also whales) — so, I see her regularly.

Barbara is 1/2 time assistant to me and that will make my life easier.

Nelson is doing well — working like a dog — still doesn’t have much money, but is certainly making his reputation. The Cookbook is out — everyone seems to be very pleased. — Dzid, I guess you’ll get some copies soon […] Everyone loves your drawings and thinks they make the book. Maggie said they were free & unselfconscious […]. Nelson […] found your drawings perfect and worked hard (but with pleasure) to put them in the “right” place — he says that they could not be more appropriate if you had seen the text — not having seen it, it is amazing etc. — When you get your copies, look for all the “Nelsonisms” as I call them — […] the funny little puns, quirks etc — often a word in the text links with the drawing in a funny way (or quirky way) — e.g. p.15 “pinch” + “Adam & Eve” type illustration
p.17 “crudite” + drawing itself — also carrots in it
p.19 “to peels a tomato”… + sawing pumpkin=
p.22 “dipping” + guy in pot
p.23 “try this… delicious!” + kiss
p.25 “crunch” + bite
p.39 “variations” & also “practise” + pianist                 etc etc etc

I told him you would get his kind of humour — and I’m sure you will. The odd part, as he says, is that the text & drawings came together separately — neither was consciously (or unconsciously for that matter!) done for the other — Hard to believe!

The only place where he adjusted the text was p.84 & p.88 where the order of the lines was arranged to mimic the configuration of the drawing (text wasn’t changed, just arranged to give similar outline) — pretty subtle, but fun when you know about it. So, I hope you enjoy it! […]

[…] Also, just sold my blue VW to Leo Svoboda (friend of Gordon’s — I think you met him, Mum — […] if I remember rightly, is very interested &/or competent in music). […] I guess I’ll get a little money for it — not sure how much, since the repairs Gordon is having done to it have to come off the price…

Gordon is applying to a Superintendent’s position. […]

[…] My job here is OK for another year — I don’t know about after that. I am now called Associate Head & have, as I said, a 1/2 time assistant (and a bit more money — though my rent has gone up too, of course) — So, it makes more sense in terms of what I do around here — it also adds a few extra responsibilities […] On the whole it is probably better — somewhat more scary though. We’ll see. […]

[…] Nelson & I seem to continue more or less as before — don’t know what it all means — have been trying to take a little mental distance (and only partly successful). Nelson has applied for a Museum Designer’s job at the National Museum in Ottawa — if he gets that, he’ll be gone […] — and while that will be hard, it would probably be a good thing — maybe I could sort myself out to some more “normal” life… […]

Much love to you both!
You have a handsome son, Dzid!
Inese

—————-

Friday 7th oct. 1983
[Erna to Inese]

Dear Inese!

We got your 2 big letters – and catalogue and the book!!! I cannot express how happy your letters made me, and Dzid of course… I knew, that your letter will come one day – but I was thinking and worrying too – how it will be, how you can survive all your exhibition things, job, and still – private life, go to Hope and all! Your letters are long and are telling so much happy happenings and achievement and – just sunny luck too in all what you have finished. Luck – I mean the fact, that Dzidras drawings suited all the other thing, and you could be there and make it all happen. Dzid is really thrilled. And it all happened for her in couple of days – to create it. It gives a deep satisfaction for all the years long work, what she is doing, scribbling and loving it, but mostly – staying alone with it all.

Your catalogue looks – just beautiful! Is so cleverly made – all put out for both the ladies equally… I can understand better the critic what is said about your work. I think it is said with appreciation and love and hope and believe in the work! That is good. You said – you get a friend in her (the one who wrote it) and that is very very good. Those good thoughts (you got them from people already in your Peterborough’s exhibition too…) goes around, and even if you do not meet them all – there are people around who support your work with their good feeling for it.

I got also quite a lot loving words from many people in Rakstnieku dienas. One lady (she also writes, is old already, but have not worked much in writing literature, but mostly critics) – told me how she loved one of my stories, which I had quite forgotten, she thinks its one of my best stories. I have to find it from old Latv. newspapers, for keeping them all together. I have to look so for other 3 stories, which I have not cut out of the newspaper, and they are lost for me, have to go to Melbourne once, and find them at Dēliņš.

Good, that Gordon has sent the Latv. Pp. to you – keep them, when I will be there again (one day) I will find them there. As it seems – Dēliņš has put now almost all my stories in the paper, what I have send him, only 2 last ones have not been yet in. So – I have to hurry and prepare new ones. People (in Rakstnieku dienas) were really nice to me, and I was happy, free from duties, and free from shyness – attended all 3 days all the happenings, talked to people all around. Got, as I said – many compliments which were meant well. Tomsons – the good old (nasty too) poet – said also a warning about my poems what I wrote in one day (travelling to Banff in the train) – that I should not write too – easy, too carelessly, too quickly – as not to get shallow, because he said – I cannot afford that, I am too good for that… May be it is so – I really blubbered out those poems like a bird, looking through the window – but I wanted to – let me go, to enjoy it – talking without much thinking, I even hoped that my skill in talking is already so great, that I can rely on it without considering all the ‘demands of a poesy’. I imagine – the little poems, all in a row, were like those Dzidras drawings – not a ‘big art’, by what one could judge all the persons work – but a happy, playful thing. I also think – that Tomsons words were a good advise to me, meant good, but still with a little unrealised envy – how one can afford such silly – happy dance with such a serious thing as – poetry… Well – I really judge pretty carefully my words when I am writing, and rewriting a story. I almost would like to tell it more carelessly and also – not to cut too much out, to talk more of the ‘small talk’… But – well – „You are too good for that” – you have to be good for the sake of art, not for the poor people, readers…

You probably will not get more of the Latv. Newspapers – as with the last stories which I send to Dēliņš – I told him, to send the paper only to this Sydney address, no matter where I am – and the papers are now arriving here. I think – that I will get them safer in one place. About – printing and publishing a book here – the hopes are not great – there are a quey [queue] of – the new, first book people, who are waiting (on the list). May be – once somehow… Kreišmanes book – 10 stories, is made just in paperback, still over $2500 – but the money is not all – one just cannot get to the press, as the rule so far is – the first book people first, and there is no end of them…

I like much more Kreišmanes writing now, as I did before, I can appreshiate much more now her slowly moving, calm style, the simple, old language, the love for little things etc. It almost gives me the confidence and trust – to slow down myself, and allow myself the little thing loving, what is in me, and not to care so much for the ‘interesting’ topic. But – it all must go together, and – my way, for me.

As it seems – I have had the new kind of flu (forgot its name) what goes here around. I thought – I will never be able to get out of my being tired, sweating, coughing and spitting – but no temperature, only later pain all over, specially back and legs, which I took for rheumatic pains. Now – people told me – all the same troubles, which for many have ended in pneumonia, and what repeats itself as soon as you start to live normally, if the flu is not yet – ‘izgulēta’. Well I was kind of guessing the possibility of getting something in the lungs, — and kept – ‘vaimanāt un gulēt un neiet vējā’… Today Dzid is coughing – hope, it wont start with her the same. With me – it is finished now, and I feel all right, however – I am waiting for nice warm weather, this week was – unexpectedly cold and rainy and windy again. Funny weather…

Lucija Kalniņa stayed with us for 3 – days. We wanted to go to beach etc – and there was not a single day we could go out of the house, we only went to film and supper. The film – Australian, ‘Careful, he might hear you’ – the best film (Austr.) this year, and the best actress (this year, Austr.) in it. It was not quite what we expected – a little too crowdy, all the Australian things packed in it – storms, gardens, old rich peoples housing and life style, etc etc, but the camera has worked fine – really beautifully taken things, colourful, etc. The supper afterwards, we took in a latvian restaurant not far from here, small wine bar, (where Dzid put out her tautu meitu bildes). The owner latvian – really surprisingly sympathetic man, his wife – french. They struggle to survive, and they might! However – really they just hang on – and hope. They need advertising – after one ad in Morng. Herald ($50) they said – it was full house, then again – pretty quiet. The place is small, not in centre, but – may be.

Latv. ‘vecā paaudze’ – slowly are dieing away. Mrs. Swirska – has died, probably – a cancer. But – I do not know, or nobody knows exactly. Many people – look very – ‘līki un lēni, stīvi un klibi’. I am trying to go and walk ‘with an elastic’ step – the legs, specially the one – let it feel, the pain sometimes in the knee sometimes down ‘potīte’ – but, thank heavens – I am not too bad yet…
We will write soon again! Thanks and more thanks for your long letters.
Xxxx M.

—————–

Ceturtd. 27. oct.

Dear Inese!

I got a letter from Gordon telling that you will be at 21. Oct. in Hope. So – you will be back in Banff now and we might have a letter from you.

Dzid is on her trip. By looking in the booklet about the trip – today they will reach the middle of the desert!… Tomorrow will come out of it.
The weather is hot with some heavy rain storms in between.
I feel ok. Went (twice) to Bondi beach, did not get a ‘beautiful tan’ but got a little burned – not bad. Tomorrow I will have some (4 or so) Latvian ladies + Mr. Krīvs for slide show, and after that – to the little Latvian restaurant. (I told you…)

In our house everything goes smoothly (so far…) except that the new gate Dzid let to make in the backyard ($150) is kicked open with both 2 big bolts!!! People are getting really wild!

In next door neighbours house police arrested a young man – put irons on the hands, pushed him in the car. He was struggling madly, banging the car doors like an animal. What he has done, I do not know. I also do not know if he is the son of the neighbours wife (she has children from first marriage) I reckon they have slaughtered the old chap – they had terrible scenes from the first day the family came in this house. We could hear the screaming and swearing all the time. Now is silence there – So – have to thank God and be happy, as long as nothing too terrible happens to you.

I have not got this weeks Latvian paper, for 3 weeks now it came regularly on Mondays. Have to remind them again, not to send to Canada… I will make, for my guests (as a little entrée before we go to restaurant) the fish dish – Seviche – you said it was good. I will show the book to the ladies, they might buy it, when some books will be send to Dzid. Mrs. Freija saw already and would like to have – and this time – she will have to pay for it…

Dzid had an electric hair curler – after using it she left it on off at the thing, but did not switch it out at the line (wall). When she came home after going out – she found it all melted, hot like hell, but luckily the house had not started to burn yet! So – switch it out, switch it out!!

Piektdiena 28. Oct.

Yesterday I tried out the slide projector – it did not work! Something I do not right – 3 slides go all right at the 4th starts to show empty space. The slides by the way – are standing so loose in the rack – that they are moving like grass in the wind. So the thing cannot catch them – may be there is a way to help it. But – I will not bother, I will leave the slide showing out. I will show to the guests the new cook book! It will be enough entertainment before we go for supper. And we will try the entrée – made from the recepy out of the book.

Actually – it will be even better, to look at slides, it is better to do it leisurely – in all the evening at home, not when you have to run out for supper.

All is going now well in my life here, except that I cannot yet start properly my writings. The days are full with little empty things – but once I will settle to that, need some encouraging push, don’t know what really…

Sestdiena, 29. oct., … jau svētdiena, 30. oct.!

About our neighbour (being murdered…) I have a little exagerated: he is alive! But what there happened I still do not know – it was something very bad, because – to be thrown on ground and put in irons by police – there should be some awful reason. Anyway – when Dzid comes home, she will discover it – somehow, and I am sure – it does not concern us, whatever happened there.

Today Dzid is climbing the big rock, if it all goes as the information says in the booklet Dzid left to me. Here the weather (for 3 days now) is smoky-cloudy, and a little cooler. When Dzid was ‘in the middle of the desert’ – we had the very hot day. The map (on T.V.) showed clouds all over the half of Australia, almost till Alice Spring. Sorry if the big rock will not show the colours to Dzid…

————–

Nov. 26. 1983

Well, you two!

[…] The weekend before that, I drove with a bunch of people from here to Vancouver. The Vancouver Art Gallery had its official opening in its new space with some huge exhibitions — Emily Carr in permanent installation, a group of Old Masters (European) from the National Gallery and about 4 floors of the past 50 years of BC artists — also in another space and “alternative” show of current art art etc etc etc. Stayed with Mary & that was nice. Called in at home for 10 minutes (Gordon was away, which I knew) — and that probably helped — to set foot in the place after more than a year, on my own first. Then, the next weekend, drove down by myself & Gordon & I sorted things out — exchanged cars (my blue bug was sold to a friend of his — Leo, I think you’ve met him, Mum, a couple of weeks before that) — worked out medical & dental etc. separations — it was all very civilized, if odd. I slept in your room, Mum — everything is as it has always been — I gathered up left-over bits of clothing, bathroom stuff etc — so, all that is left is the main stuff — furniture, books, art, my weaving stuff etc. Gordon says he’ll be there till the end of June anyway, so we don’t have to move anything till then […]

[…] So, after coming back from Hope, the next week it was the trip to New York with the Visual Arts group from here — […]

[…] And now it’s back here & the same as usual, more or less — I’ve had about 10 days break from work, more or less — a couple more to go — I’ve really needed that — it’s been over a year since I’ve had a break (apart form Xmas, but then, everyone gets that) — the times I could have had holidays were the times I was preparing for the shows — in fact, I still need more time to gather myself — I feel quite fragmented, rather unsure and anxious — and I suppose that is understandable, but that doesn’t help. […]

[…] I really don’t know how things will sort themselves out — don’t know what I should be aiming for — or even how to begin to think about it. Mariette will be here in about a week — maybe we’ll clarify how much longer I can expect to be here. I don’t think she is very clear about any of that herself. So, I suppose there are reasons on all sides for feeling uncertain — still, I wish it would end.

I really am tired (not physically — I’ve had lots of sleep etc etc) but mentally/emotionally. And am very glad that Xmas isn’t far off. Have been trying to quit smoking for the past week — partially successful — by the end of Xmas break hope I’ll manage it — have also cut out most of the booze (that’s much easier to do than the smoking!) — but there is a good incentive — if I quit smoking and drinking, maybe I won’t gain weight for not smoking! […]

[…] I’m enclosing a couple of catalogues, which are finally ready […] I’m not very excited about Connie’s essay, but I knew that before it went to print — too much talk about materials and techniques — puts us back into the “craft” camp… […]

[…] Nelson […] hasn’t heard any more from Ottawa and has progressively been becoming more sure that he wants to stay in Calgary — he really has a lot of work […] he is surviving well. […]

[…] So, as you see, my life goes on, more or less as before. Must stop — Whenever you are ready to come, Mum, just come — we’ll find a place to live & live — and move if & when we have to.

Love to you both,
Inese

P.S. Mum — you already gave me your Latvian jewellery stuff — I have it here in my drawer — I had forgotten that.

———–

Jan 23, 1984

Dear Mum & Dzid,

[…] Congratulations, Mum, on your prize etc! it arrived today — the money ($246 Canadian) I put in the bank — the letter (a copy included) I’ll be sending off tomorrow, […] I assume they’ll understand my Latvian!

Yes, I’m off to Toronto and then Montreal & then Ottawa — all of it 10 days & paid by the school. I’m going with Angelika […]. The idea is to go and visit other schools and lots of galleries, both to promote the Banff Centre and explain it to and recruit participants for our programmes and to find out about other places — what their philosophies etc are — it is not such an unusual thing to do. People from here do it all the time. I’ve never done it and am basically scared of it — Angelika isn’t — if we do it together, we can probably do it better and it will get me over my fears and will probably be a great education for me. […]

By the way, Angelika and Jane have both got your cards/letters — I don’t know if they have replied yet, but both said they would — neither one knew your surname…

I can’ t remember if I told you or not, but I see quite a lot of Jane and Bryn (his surname, by the way is Finer — and Angelika is with Hu, or Hubert, Hohn). Jane & Bryn have an apartment like mine one floor down & so we often have dinner together, or once in a while I watch TV with them. They are two of my most favourite people — though spending an evening watching TV with them makes me nostalgic for “normal life”.

I got a long letter from Austra today — she’s been to see you and says how much she enjoys you, how much she gets from talking to you etc etc etc. She calls us “3 ladies” “magical people” — so, that’s nice! She gets strength from you, Dzid, and feels really valuable friendship there. She has been reading your book, Mum, with much pleasure and pain. So, perhaps we really all are very wonderful.

Life here goes on as before […] but there has been some anxiety between Mariette and me — I think it is mostly because she is unsure as to whether she wants to continue here or not. I found all that pretty hard during her last 2 visits, but feel that I’ve come out of it since. I think that I’m doing a pretty good job and she’ll have to decide for herself what she wants to do. I still haven’t done any of my own work since the last 2 shows, but I’m beginning to not feel guilty about it. Recently I’ve had the time, if I wanted to really do it — and I even know what the next “logical” step would be — but somehow, I’m unwilling/uninterested in pursuing it. I think I’m in another “gestation” period — there doesn’t seem to be any point in continuing “variations on the theme” — I have no idea what will come out, when it comes, but I’m also not afraid of waiting. It may be quite different again (though none of it is that different underneath)… […]

[…] It is late & I have to pack for tomorrow morning, leaving early! I’ll be seeing a lot or people I’ve got to know here — plus doing the “official” thing and in the process, perhaps making some contacts that might be of use — and if not, it will be a good holiday and I’ll make the most of that! […]

So, much love to you both!!
Inese

————–

Frid. 23 May [1986]
[Postcard from Banff]

Dear Mum,

Well, I’m starting to settle in. Today I am cleaning my studio — Terrific space! All kinds of office stuff to do, but it is probably OK. There seems to be a suggestion that I will get next summer! I will know next week — It will mean quite a bit of work, but that is fine! So, it is just as well that I brought all kinds of papers with me with all kinds of information.

People are still saying they will come to the writing course. So, it will probably be a good summer! So, maybe all those letters, phone calls and effort were worth it. My apartment is big & nice.

Keep up your French classes — there are not very many!

Inese

———-

Monday, 8. June 1987.

Dear Inī!

Here is the one ‘music’, but it is from a lesser (I think…) musician, Maršovs in Melbourne, than the Freimanis was in Sydney. But I am not sure. Maršau was himself a singer (Conservator. of Latv. finished or not, do not know) and was popular in Melbourne, also as a choir (kora?) dirigent. Freimanis was a pianist, finished educ. of Conservat. of Latv. Did also compose music. So – I am writing to Elvira Arone-Renga, Freimanis former wife, and may be she will send you something.
It is long forgotten funny poem what I have written and which Maršaus has chosen to ‘put to music’… The music is ‘a migrants edition, handmade’.
Here I put in also Dzidras happy letter.
The weather is awfully ‘soft’, and I am so too…
But I make myself ready for the trip.
Love. M.
Gilles Vigneault… well I cut it out and put in here…

—————-

[card] 6. jul. 1987.

Dear Inese,

Here is the precious card…
The mail starts to arrive today. I got a letter from Californy, where I have send 3 books, to a latv. woman writer. She has got them! Good!
Weather hot and smelly – they repare the streets and ‘brūvē’ some stuff near here on the street… Love!
M.

To think – how 40,000 people are hurt by the flood –
I sit in this flat like in heaven!
They say 100,000 million dollars of damage…
You are lucky to have this flat – however there are better climats in the world…
M.

———

27. jūl. 1987.

Dear Inese,

Here are the music – and the bad copy, just one, I did not put here in the 2 others. But – it would be good, if the music would be in the book – specially those from Freimanis, but also – from Marshovs, there are plenty of musicians among Latvians, the book would be more popular. The 2 musicians, here, from Australia died early – and their music is not printed, as later all the other musicians could, when the ‘Trimda’ got more rich. And then – the book would be also more like a document of the trimdas Latv. life. What about the materially for the publisher – probably not much… But – we just make the book for… our pleasure? And – let it be so.
I put here in also – the disasters of the world – heat and flood.. not the wars and fights so – they are too many…

Today is already cool – 12-13 degr. In the morning, and yesterday was so windy – that sitting at open door – I got already almost pain in the ear… So – I go like an old ship through the big waves of the life… Today – feel fine. Have send out – 8 books, paid 23 dollars, have sent also many letters, and still have to send. That is a big job, if you start sending letters. Where I send the 3 my books to Germany long ago (Invalid home) now there came a letter – not a word, but a list for – money donations for the Inv. Home. It made me really angry – send them books, pay the high mail rate – they cannot reply a single word, if they have received etc. Now – they know my address and send the donations list. If at least now there would be written word – no. Well – then – NO, from my side too. Really – they make such dumb fools of themselves. Sure – the lady who is there the housemaster, and to whom I send the books – she – thinks that the writer, is a big person, what he needs is just to give them money… So also the big Latv. libraries – they all got books without pay. What is connected with spirit (except pastors, they get their pay) it is supposed to come to the Latv. society – for nothing, „Because it is so great, that it is not possible, to pay for it with money.” Blabla-bla!

Yes – in the Wangy Dienas – the big celebrations for 2-3 days, with kora [choir] singing, dancing performances, and etc. etc. – it was a nice touching descriptions of this big happening, and then the statistics:
300 people – atklāšanā [opening]
267 – vīru kora koncertā [mens’ choir concert]
317 – raibajā pēcpusdienā [activity afternoon]
! 488 – ‘Apkūlībās’ that is the after all eating drinking etc.
50 – referātā [the reading/lecture]
35 – jaunatnes seminārā. [youth seminar]

So – the main thing is to drink and eat and blablabla but so many times there was repeated – „jaunatnes maz” and to Jaunatnes seminars, what ever it was – 35 persons from all 500... The crowd lives now on sentimental (false in a way) songs etc. Speeches etc. written by the writers, who express ‘the big sad feelings’, what the folk listens in some ‘Atklāšana’ then – to the Apkūlības.
Ok! There are 50 persons who have gone to the referat. Those are our deal.
Xxx M.
P.S. Make 50 exempl. of the book, really.

——————-

29.11.87
[From Inese to Dzidra]

[…] I feel that we’ve got into difficulties because of the peculiar black & white & limited nature of stuff written down — I find that frustrating — and also understand that you find my silence frustrating — I know I am in a privileged position, in that I get to read your letter (and know it is unfair that I don’t respond in the same way) — I may never do that — you write to Mum in an especially flowing and open way — it is very special.
[…] Banff summer was busy — stressful — I had hopes this last one would be easy & pleasant & enjoyable (it was some of that too — that is always there).

[…] Part of the actual time in Banff, and all of the mental time available, got eaten up by my guilt (& effort) re Mum’s book — I had got it into my head to write an essay on Mum’s poetry — did that before I left Montreal. Then, passed it around for comments etc. It needed some editing, re-arranging. At first there was no time, then, when I tried to do it, I couldn’t.
I spent some actual time of about two weeks struggling with it — the rest of the time, just huge quiet guilt feelings, feeble attempts & flights into avoidance — It dominated the summer, and I was short & withdrawn &b irritated, for no visible reason…

It has not been that different now — just two days ago, I finished a re-write & xeroxed it — now, I should be re-reading — It seems totally unreal & astounding how many forms (& with what persistence) the avoidance techniques can take. I’m not totally clear on all the reasons… but have thought much about them — most of them I can’t face — Including, by now, such guilt-trips as wondering whether Mum will die before this bloody book [Artava] comes out — I wake at night, listening for her breathing, snoring, coughing… It is insane! — And we’ve fought about it — and I understand her anxiety “to get on with it” — it is only the reverse side of my guilt about procrastinating…

I’m sorry I ever got involved — what seemed to start it was the idea that a “few bits needed to be added/changed in Austra’s essay”.
I have such huge blocks in terms of writing (matched only by blocks re speaking French/German…) — and I understand that it becomes ludicrous when it is my problem that hinders the other, not at all to do with me. All I can say is that I’m sorry & I am fighting my way out, inch by inch, of a situation I should not have got into! … I could die, thinking about it — and there is something only partially “funny” about that…
[Inese]

———

Monday 28.12.87
[From Inese to Dzidra]

[note at the top of the first page:] P.S. Today is the 30th — Mum’s flu is much better!
[…] You had mentioned Mum going — she said she had not thought of going so early — fine — that is not the main problem.

Right now, mum is battling her second bout of flu this fall — this one very severe — I am sure she’ll be OK — but is it a scary battle and the last couple of days, when it got bad in the night, she didn’t think she would be ok — I took her to the doctor yesterday — cough medicine and aspirins to reduce the fever (come back, if it doesn’t reduce in 3 days) — meantime she was throwing up &b getting exhausted from headache &b lack of sleep etc etc etc — The first bout lasted 3 weeks in October & was tiring & frustrating, but not so scary & no fever & no throwing up — In between, she continued to feel “fragile”. As I say, I am sure she’ll be OK — but, it is tough & it is sapping her confidence — I am putting all the energy, strength, will, love &b care & whatever into getting her through it — thank God I can be home the whole time — Anyway, I am not trying to scare you or make you feel awful — I know how hard it all is at this distance… She talked of going back later in the year — I’m sure it will happen — I think she will have to try to assess what kind of temperature/weather etc she can stand best — hot-cold-damp-humid — whatever — last summer was hard on her [extremely hot] — Right now, it is not the cold, since she is inside — and even, when well, the cold outside can be measured in small doses — She has to think of what will be ok for her both physically & mentally — she wants to go back & should & I’m sure she will — She felt that she should stick around here for a little bit this year & sort of consolidate/follow up on the sorts of connections etc she has been making, especially in Kalamazoo — and also continue working for a bit, which she was, until this flu (this one struck so suddenly — I was still up, at about 2.30 am Sat. morning — sudden & vicious).

 Anyway, she can & will decide when she’ll travel… I don’t think she should/could contemplate looking after Talis — is all went well, then, probably no problem & not much looking after — and if not, there’s not much she could do, but the worry/anxiety would be a physical problem for her — between the two flus, she complained about uneven heart action, especially if she got thinking about whatever & anxious — & then the anxiety increases, because of the unevenness… It kept her awake, had her worried — she became a lot more cautious, even about the daily walks, which I am convinced keep her alive…

I don’t know how useful it is to tell you all this at this distance — I always feel that it leaves you helpless & worried — but, in some ways, not more helpless & worried than I feel at a closer distance. And I am not being morbid — In fact we have agreed, that I will encourage her as much as I can to keep moving, to keep having courage & not give up — and she will say when she really isn’t up to it — and that’s OK (mostly I want to avoid exercises etc too).

 We talked about her feeling frail after the first flu — she said she was surprised at how suddenly that kind of change came — and we decided that there was no way of knowing yet whether it was still an after effect of the flu or whether it was the “next stage” — And then, wham! This second massive kick in the teeth.

I’ve spent the last two days re-typing the poems for “the book” — they needed too many corrections — Let me tell you that the timing could not be worse — under the circumstances it is close to breakdown material! Still, there was also, partly, a kind of mechanical aspect to it, plus it needed to be done, and I seem to be incapable of concentrating on anything that requires thought & attention & decision — not even the cards/letters to friends and acquaintances I thought I might tackle.

So, I didn’t intend to end up here with this letter tonight — I had intended to send it tomorrow — I will wait till Mum begins to really get better — she was better today, but so she was yesterday & then went under again in the early hours of this morning — By “better” I mean over the fever — (and I think the headache & vomiting are part of that) — the more regular parts of the flu will have to take their time & their course… This is the scary part & the battle.

Wednesday Dec. 30

So, Mum is slowly getting better — and it will take a long time, but the scare is probably over — this morning she had an upset, frail stomach — it may be from the aspirin she’s been taking to reduce the fever — and so it goes & it is slow & she gets frustrated etc — but it is beginning to begin and we will work on patience together.

Something that has helped was to play musical tapes on the ghetto-blaster — I almost never do, even though I have an assortment (I did in Banff) — also Mum had had some tapes made of some of the pieces she heard in concert in Banff (they tape them anyway & one of the students made her some copied) — so, all that was a godsend and gave her relief and calm — it ain’t much fun when you’re flat on your back & too sick to read even…
Anyway, enough on that.
Well, right now, I can’t think of much else — I feel as if I’ve been in a kind of fog for a week — Monday, it’s back to work.
[Inese]

——————

21.5.1991
[From Inese to Dzidra]

Mum is doing really very well — she is currently feeling “dry” in terms of new work, but the fact that we have been able to put out this bunch of books has been pretty marvellous and seems to have ben at the right time & by some luck, got to some of the right people — I’m sure she has told you, but getting the books to Latvia & to some of the “right” people there (by miracle, I think) to have some of it published in the “Litertūra un Māksla” publication (the most important one there), some by their own finding it somehow (the contact with them directly came afterwards) — has been a kind of vindication of everything since she always thought, and rightly, that there was the true audience, the true critical test — Some of it is due to current political easing, some to her having “lived long enough”, some to the advent of the computer & Nelson’s help to figure out how to publish “cheaply” with it etc etc. And, if she had not gone to the writers’ conference in Kalamazoo & somehow come back with the idea that she should get a computer (although she didn’t attend the session which explained more about it) and we could not have got a discount to buy it because I was employed at Concordia (by the time I bought it, the term had just ended, but it was enough…) etc etc — Anyway, it all seems pretty amazing.
[Inese]

—————-

[8. Feb. 1992]
[Erna to Inese]

Dzidra has millions and millions of drawings on little sketches, nicely kept in many folders – and the big ones many framed on the walls. What to do, to use all the skill and talent – she thinks she will do that after she finishes her course. She prepares to work hard and finish it nicely.

And you should – come and visit Dzid and Australia. As soon as you will paid the mortgage. Dzidra gets a little over 100 doll. a week from government for the course. It is not much – but she manage to live ok. She switches out the hot water every night and also day, leaves in only in the time when you use bath etc. She said – she has saved about 100 doll. a year like that. Sometimes she uses her microwave oven for preparing meals, she says – it takes a little less electricity as other electric stoves.
[…]
I have no Australian pension card – and can not use it on busses. May be later, when I will be more relaxed and the weather will be milder – I will go to pensioners Centr. Office and try to get the card.
Look after yourself, be careful and good and
All the best from mama.
P.S. Dzidra is happy and strong!
Love to you from her!
P.P.S. The sun is starting to come out a little…

—————-

13.2.1992
[From Inese to Erna & Dzid in Sydney]

Dear Mum & Dzid,

Got your letter today, Mum (written on the 8th) — so, that got here quite fast — You sound good & that is good.

Here, nothing too new of different — last week, for most of the week, it got cold –0 to about 20 below, but not more & now it is warmer again, but not as warm as when you left, Mum — So, perhaps you are in the better place for the moment. Everyone is very impressed that you’ve undertaken and managed the trip!

I haven’t finished with re-organizing the books yet — it is a major undertaking! And, in between, last weekend was spent on putting the flooring down in the two bathrooms — some problems in all that (including that the upstairs toilet had a leak under it, etc etc) — still, some of it is done & some still to do — (P.S. I already had the lino tiles for the bathrooms — same as the kitchen, bought way back at that time.) Also put in a little more insulation on doors & windows (a couple) — And, if it now gets warmer again, the “incentive” will no doubt evaporate…

Have printed out your texts but have not got far yet with any corrections etc.

I did go to see the Canada pension people and did get some answers & the required piece of  paper to send to Australia pension …. So: of the cheque for $542.61 (monthly) — $374.07 is Pension and the rest is Income Supplement (i.e. not counted as income by the Aust/Canada agreement) — also the $10 — from Alberta (i.e. a Provincial extra) is also Income Supplement &b not counted as income —

So, probably, the Canadian part ($374.07) will get deducted from your Australian Pension in some way and the rest of the Australian Pension will still be paid (as well as the Income Supplement bits i.e. $168.54 + $10). I assume that that is how it will sort itself out — when you come back, we’ll send off the information & then we’ll find out — In any case, you will not get less than the Canadian cheque, since they already have your information & are prepared to pay you that amount. Anyway, I don’t think you have to worry about any of it — it will all sort itself out & be OK.

Well — I’ll send this off, just so that you get a letter! — I did forward a couple of letters from Ruņģis & someone else — hope you got those — Nothing else has come since then… Take care & don’t overdo it — but do go for walks — And don’t worry about the “social” stuff — Let them know you are visiting and let them take care of the rest!

Much love to you both — and when my [mortgage] payments lessen a little later, I will be able to do a few things again…

p.s. Do you want me to call Mary in Vancouver to meet you on the return trip?
pps. Happy Valentine’s Day! [3 hearts]
[Inese]